Instead of You

by Anie Michaels

  “Luce,” my mother whimpered, tears forming in her eyes. One slid down her cheek and I reached up wiping it away for her.

  “How are you feeling now, Mrs. Wallace?” This was from Dr. Andrews.

  “Please, call me Chelsea.” She took in a deep breath and then let it out. “Honestly, I’m really embarrassed. And tired. And sad.” Her voice cracked on the last word, and the next sentence was taken over by sobs. “I’m really, really sad.”

  Dr. Andrews reached her hand out and ran it slowly along my mother’s shin, saying, “In order for us to figure out what’s best for you, both physically and mentally, we’re going to have to have a tough conversation, Chelsea. But I want to assure you, whatever you’re feeling, however you got here, it’s okay. You’re going to have to be really honest, though. Both with Dr. Stevens, and with myself. Do you think you can do that?” Mom nodded. “That’s great.” Her eyes darted to me. “As a rule, I require this first conversation to be handled privately.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. That’s how we got in this mess.”

  “Hayes,” my mother’s weak voice rasped. “This isn’t your fault. Not even a little bit. And honestly, the last thing I want is for you to hear all this.” Another tear slipped down her face, but before I could wipe it away she used her shoulder to awkwardly dry the stray tear. “I’ll be okay.”

  I studied her, tried to make sure she meant what she said, that she wasn’t just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.

  “I’m just going to go to the cafeteria to get some coffee. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She nodded as I stood, and I watched her try to be outwardly strong, as if she was just holding on until I left the room, waiting to have some sort of breakdown as soon as I was out of earshot. I leaned down, pressing a kiss against her forehead. When I stood back up she turned her face away, and I took that as my cue to leave.

  I walked down the hall, having no idea where exactly I was headed, and passed a waiting room. Mrs. Harris was sitting on one end of an uncomfortable-looking couch, and McKenzie was lying down, her head resting on her mother’s lap. Both of them looked to be asleep.

  “Shit,” I whispered, angry with myself for not even thinking about the fact that of course they’d be waiting all night for an update. I turned toward them and Mrs. Harris must not have been completely asleep because her eyes popped open at the sound of my footsteps and she immediately shook McKenzie’s shoulder until she lifted her head.

  When McKenzie’s eyes met mine she jumped up from the couch and ran right into my arms. I didn’t waste any time wrapping around her and burying my face in her hair. She smelled like home. Everything about her made me feel whole, especially the way she fit perfectly inside my arms.

  She pulled away and linked both of her hands with mine, looking up at me expectantly.

  “I’m really sorry I didn’t come out here and update you guys. It was kind of a strange and overwhelming night.”

  “How is she?” Mrs. Harris asked, coming to stand behind Kenzie.

  “She’s in with the doctor and the psychiatrist. She woke up just a little while ago and seems upset, but okay.” I let out a large sigh. “They strapped her wrists to the bed.”

  “Oh, Hayes,” Mrs. Harris said, her words dripping with sympathy. “I’m so sorry.”

  I shook her words off, stepped back, pulling my hands from McKenzie’s and running them through my hair.

  “It’s okay. I’m okay. I was just going to get some coffee.”

  “I’ll come with you,” Kenzie said, stepping closer to me again.

  “No.” I shook my head, looking down at the floor. “No, you and your mom should go home. My mom is fine medically. But I don’t think she’s up for visitors, and she’s talking to the shrink right now. You guys should go home and get some sleep.” I steeled myself for her touch when her hands gripped my t-shirt, effectively pulling me into her.

  “Hayes,” she said softly, “I don’t want to go home. I want to be here, with you, to help.”

  Without touching her I raised my eyes to meet her gaze. “There’s nothing for anyone to do. It’s probably going to be a long day. You guys should go home.”

  Mrs. Harris stepped up behind McKenzie and put her hands on her daughter’s shoulders. “Come on, let’s give them some time, sweetie.”

  McKenzie looked hurt and confused, and it took everything in me not to reach out, pull her close, and tell her all the manic thoughts running through my mind. I wanted to explain to her why I was pushing her away, but I knew it would just make her cling to me tighter. This was better. For everyone.

  “Tell your mom I love her, and that I’ll be waiting to hear from her when she’s ready.”

  I nodded at Mrs. Harris, and watched as she steered McKenzie out the door. They left and I let out a sigh. It was going to be a long day.

  Forty-five minutes later when I peeked my head into my mother’s room, I saw her lying on her side, hands tucked up underneath her head. Relief coursed through me knowing they’d let her out of her bindings.

  “Hey,” I whispered as I stepped into the room. Her eyes opened and she gave me a sad and weak smile.

  “Hey, honey.”

  “How’d it go?”

  “They decided I wasn’t a threat to myself or anyone else. I’m being moved out of ICU soon. But I have to stay one more night for observation.”

  I walked around her bed and sat in the chair just next to her. I leaned forward, exhausted, and rested my elbows on my knees, bringing my chin to rest on my clasped hands.

  “Mom?” I finally said.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Will you tell me what happened?”

  She held my gaze for a few moments before she eventually looked away. I didn’t know what was going to come next, if she was going to tell me or push it away. It felt as though we were in limbo, unable to go anywhere from there, unable to move forward unless something changed.

  “Before I explain everything, I want you to know that I never wanted to die.” Her words were strong and clear. In fact, they were the strongest words I’d heard her speak since we lost Cory and Dad. The strength in her voice surprised me, made me sit up straight, made every sleepy part of me wake up and listen. “It’s been difficult, Hayes. I hope you never feel the kind of loss I’ve been wading through. Every day I feel guilty for checking out on you, but I couldn’t find a way past the grief.” She took in a deep breath, and then continued. “I was feeling a little better, trying to move through my days without getting lost in the sadness, but then Cory’s acceptance letter came and it was another setback. Another part of his life he’ll never get to live because of the actions of one person. It’s not fair.” Her voice, although still strong and loud, cracked at that point, and I fought the urge to go to her, to hold her close and tell her I didn’t need to hear anything else, if only to spare her the pain of explaining it to me.

  “With the wave of grief came more nightmares, and Hayes, I promise you, I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep without images of Cory bleeding on the floor of a convenience store, or picturing the fear in his eyes before he was shot, or imaging what he’d look like on his wedding day, what his children would look like. I wanted one night where I could sleep in peace.”

  A tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away, seemingly determined to continue. I didn’t dare interrupt her.

  “I took a sleeping pill, but the thoughts wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t let me be. So I took another. That one managed to put me to sleep, but I just remember waking up from a nightmare, crying, and wanting to just sleep. I’m so tired, Hayes. So tired. So, I took two more. I think. I think it was two more. But, honestly, it could have been more. I’m not sure.” Her eyes darted up to meet mine then, red rimmed and wet, but so completely clear and focused. “I never wanted to die, Hayes. I just wanted one night of not feeling. One night of numbness. I just wanted to sleep. I promise.”

  She finally broke down and cried. I stood from my chair and wrapped
my arms around her, holding her as her body shook from the sobs. I’d seen my mother cry a lot over the last few months. But she’d always been crying from the loss of her husband and son. This was the first time she’d cried because she was acknowledging her grief and recognizing the fact that it was unhealthy.

  For that reason, I cried along with her.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  McKenzie

  Three days had passed since I’d seen Hayes. The last time was in the waiting room at the hospital. I’d been so confused by that person. The one who wouldn’t let me stay and help, wouldn’t let me try and comfort him. But my mom dragged me out of the waiting room and then fretted over me the rest of the day.

  Those hours we’d sat in the waiting room had been painful at first, not knowing what was happening or if Mrs. Wallace was going to be all right. My mom was frazzled, coming down hard on herself for not checking on her sooner. So, in an effort to distract ourselves, we started talking about anything but Mrs. Wallace.

  That meant we talked about Hayes.

  I told my mom everything. Everything. From the beginning. Starting at fourteen when Hayes was my best friend’s cute older brother, to our first kiss at Cory’s party, to where we stood that day, and everything in between. The best part was my mom listened, understood, and didn’t pass judgment. I didn’t get a lecture on getting involved with someone so soon after Cory’s death, and I didn’t even get a lecture about it being his brother. She just listened and then comforted me in her mom way.

  “I was worried you wouldn’t accept a relationship between Hayes and me,” I’d said, sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room.

  “Why, sweetie?”

  “Ever since I could remember, you and Mrs. Wallace had been pretty clear you wanted Cory and me together. Being with Hayes seemed like it would be off-limits.”

  “McKenzie, Chelsea and I had the same dream every woman has with her best friend—that their kids will grow up and fall in love. But if you hadn’t been with Cory, it wouldn’t have mattered. What matters most, to Chelsea and to me, is that our kids are happy. If Hayes makes you happy, then I’ll love him like I would have loved anyone who treated you right.”

  I let out a sigh, my head falling back to rest against the chair. “I hope Mrs. Wallace feels the same way.”

  “McKenzie, Chelsea loves you. She loved you with Cory, and she’ll love you with Hayes. It might shock her, she might be surprised, but I really think she’ll be grateful you’ll still be a part of her life.”

  Later, when we’d gone home, she’d baked me cookies, fed me ice cream, and watched a Twilight marathon with me.

  Saturday and Sunday passed with only one-word texts from Hayes, and I tried desperately to understand his situation, to think about how he must have been feeling and what he was dealing with. But every text I got from him that said, “Good,” or “Fine,” made me more nervous. He wasn’t good or fine. I knew he wasn’t. It wasn’t possible.

  Mrs. Wallace had texted my mom Saturday afternoon saying she’d been released from the hospital, but that she and Hayes needed a bit to settle in before they got visitors.

  I was a mess. Hayes pushing me away had me feeling insecure and useless. But my mom was handling the situation like a pro, constantly telling me that they needed their space to heal—especially Mrs. Wallace—and that’s what got me through until Monday.

  I’d been on pins and needles all day, knowing that when last period came around, I’d get to see him. I wouldn’t get to talk to him, to hold him, or kiss him, but I’d be able to look him over and gauge how broken he was. I’d get to use my eyes on him for a whole period, and at that point, I’d take whatever I could get.

  The day dragged on and every class felt as though it took twice as long as normal. When it finally came time for the last period, I was practically sprinting.

  I walked into the room and didn’t see him, but that wasn’t unusual so I took my seat and waited. And waited. When the bell finally rang and Hayes was nowhere in sight, I panicked as Mr. White walked to the front of the class.

  “Due to unfortunate circumstances, Mr. Wallace will no longer be able to finish out the term here with us. We wish him the best and I know he’ll succeed with whatever endeavors he pursues in the future. Now,” he said, turning back to his desk, “Please open your text books to page 411, and we’ll pick up where Mr. Wallace left off.”

  Never had words turned me cold like those. Never had I suddenly felt as though stones lined my stomach, as if I were tied to my desk and unable to move. My lungs were heavy, making it hard to breathe, and my heart was pounding as though I’d just run a marathon.

  Hayes wasn’t here.

  Hayes wasn’t coming back.

  Then, suddenly, the weight lifted and I ran. If Hayes wasn’t there, then I wasn’t supposed to be there either. At least, that was the logic that had me sprinting out of my last period class, leaving everything behind.

  I ran all the way home, stopping for nothing. The adrenaline pumping through my system was enough stamina to keep me going, even when the rain set in halfway there. I came up on my house, but I still didn’t stop. I kept running until I saw Hayes’s house, and when I turned that final corner, my eyes landed on Hayes himself.

  Loading boxes.

  Into a moving van.

  That image alone stopped me in my tracks.

  He didn’t see me right away and continued to load a few more boxes. I was standing just down the street in front of his neighbor’s house, watching. Finally, he came out of the truck, down the ramp, turned to walk into his garage, and spotted me. We stood there for a few heavy seconds, staring at each other through the rain, before he started toward me.

  “Kenz,” he said as he neared me. “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been meaning to call you.”

  I wanted to tell him I’d had my phone in my hands for three days waiting to hear from him, to tell him that he should have called, that I’d been worried sick about him, but I didn’t. “How’s your mom?”

  “They released her Saturday, and we’re just trying to move forward. She’ll be fine, eventually.”

  We were both quiet for a moment, neither one of us seeming to notice the rain falling heavily down on us. Finally, I had to speak. “What’s with the moving van?”

  Hayes turned to look back at his driveway, as if he’d forgotten there was a U-Haul there, forgotten he’d just been inside of it. When he turned back to me his face was pained and he looked as though the words bubbling up in his throat were hurting him.

  “My mom wants to sell the house. We’re going to hire movers to come and pack up most of the stuff. I’m just loading the things she wants to take with us.”

  “Take with you?”

  “Yeah, McKenzie. Shit,” he said roughly, dragging his hand through his now soaking wet hair. “My mom needs to really focus on getting better. She needs to see a psychiatrist regularly, and she needs more care than I can give her here. So we talked it over and decided it would be best for her to be near her parents in Montana.”

  “Your mom is selling her house and moving to Montana?” There were so many things about that sentence that seemed impossible to me. The idea that the Wallaces wouldn’t be just down the street, that some other family would be living in their house, it made the world feel a little colder and unfamiliar, like I’d jumped dimensions or something.

  “Kenz,” he said, the tone of his voice now apologetic, “we’re both moving to Montana.”

  The earth might as well have opened up and swallowed me whole. Everything that kept me alive stopped working. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, my heart felt like a broken engine, refusing to do its job, churning and breaking and crumbling all at once.

  “Kenz,” he said again, this time stepping toward me. I stepped back and he stopped, his head dropping, his gaze falling to the ground.

  “Mr. White said you weren’t teaching anymore. I ran here to see if you were all right. If your mom was all right.�
� I stopped, the words stacking up in my throat, jammed behind the huge lump forming there, with rain now soaking through my clothes. “You’re leaving?” I tried not to cry, but it was the only way the words could come out, strapped to sobs. “For how long? You’ll come back when your mom’s better?”

  It took a moment before he raised his gaze to meet mine, but he said no words.

  “You’re not coming back?” What world was I living in? This couldn’t be reality. Not my reality. “Hayes, if you need to go with your mom to make sure she’s okay, go. I want your mom to be all right too. But that doesn’t mean we have to be over. You’re acting like this is the end for us.”

  “It has to be.”

  My mouth fell open. Tears escaped both my eyes, mixing with the rain already streaming down my face, and my feet took me backward, away from the dagger-like words he’d thrown at me.

  “Kenz, listen—”

  “Listen to what? Listen to you tell me that you’re leaving and we’re over? Just days ago we were planning the next year of our life together, and now you’re just ending it?”

  “My mom—”

  “Is sick, I know. I love your mom, and I want her to be happy and well. And I love that you want to be there for her. I’d never hold that against you. But I don’t understand how this all means we can’t be together.” My words were frantic and tripping out of my mouth almost on top of each other. The words couldn’t keep up with my thoughts and all I was thinking was why why why.

  Hayes took a fast step toward me, grasping my shoulders before I could get away. I wanted him to stay with me, to choose to be with me, but I didn’t want him touching me just then. It felt too raw, as though his hands were carving into me.

  “I love you, McKenzie. More than I could ever love anyone. But this, us, it isn’t right. Healthy relationships aren’t born from death, they don’t blossom in the dark, and they don’t flourish while being hidden.”

  “We weren’t born from death,” I practically spit at him.