I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

  A thank-you card should feel personal, not like a form letter, unless that’s the joke. I recently received a thank-you letter that read, “I loved all my anniversary gifts, every single one. Thank you so much. They all mean so much to me as do you. Thank you so much.” This letter is as vague as my memory of his party.

  Try and provide a place where people can put their coats once they’ve arrived. If your place is small, hang them on the shower rod in the bathroom. But be aware of pickpocketers (see “Blind Date,” page 47). If you toss garments on the bed or in another room, provide a small mirror because girls and certain types of men like to take a quick look-see after they’ve taken off their coats.

  When introducing people, try to avoid saying something that could be embarrassing like: “This is Barbara, she can’t have children,” or “Matt’s on mood stabilizers,” or “Lenny just got fired. He was the promotions manager at Nowells.” Also try and avoid introducing people by categorizing them, such as “He’s a dancer at Wag Tails,” or “She’s in the outdoor musical The Lost Colony,” or “He’s the guy who found the girl in the well.” Give your guests an opportunity to share what they wish to share.

  Blueberry Pie

  Once everyone has arrived, the first fifteen minutes are the most important. This often will set the tone for the whole party. You must use constant owl-like behavior in order to monitor how the party is shaping up and intervene when necessary. Occasionally a party will need a bit of initial poking and prodding. If the energy seems low, work the room. Engage as many people as you can. Bring guests together that you think might enjoy talking to each other. “Alice, you remember Ilene, she was at Riker’s the same time you were.” Keep the cocktails flowing. Make sure everybody has a fresh beverage and pour heavy. Change the music or the lighting if you feel it will pump up the energy.

  If your preplanning is successful, you won’t be stuck in the kitchen. Use this time to work the room and enjoy the party yourself. Mingle. It is as important for you to have a good time as it is for your guests. Offer everyone a drink, but don’t ask in a way that assumes that they drink alcohol, such as “Name your poison,” or “How ’bout a cocktail?” This might be awkward for guests who don’t drink or alcoholics who are in the program. They hear it in a different way. No one wants to tempt an alcoholic: you don’t want that on your shoulders (see “Alcoholics,” page 86). Create your own special drink that can be served with or without alcohol. That way nobody will know who is or who isn’t drinking. It’s more discreet, like medication.

  At the Party

  As the party hits full swing, it often doesn’t matter what you’ve preplanned, you have to be in the moment and open for whatever may come your way. If the guests are not ready for a sit-down buffet because they’re having a good time, let the party go on. Don’t try to control every moment.

  During the party you’ll want to tidy up as if you were a ghost. Be discreet when emptying ashtrays and clearing glasses and plates. It makes the guests uncomfortable otherwise. Continually check on the bathroom in case there has been a “toilet accident.” (You know who you are, Alice!) Don’t be a pusher with the food or drink, that’s annoying: “One more glass of wine won’t hurt you,” or “Come on, I’ve seen bigger asses than yours, have a piece of cake,” or “Just taste it, trust me the eyes are the best part.” If you are offering someone a second or third drink, never say, “Can I get you another gimlet?” Just offer to get them a gimlet and don’t remind them that they already had a few. This appears judgmental. However, if it’s clear that they have had too much, it’s better to cut them off rather than to pretend it’s not happening and then allow them to stay over and wet your bed (see “Blind Date,” page 47).

  Don’t make guests uncomfortable by putting them on the spot insisting they tell a particular story or joke or sing a song or say something in a different language. They might not be in the mood. They might not be up for making some sound effects or ready to show their surgery scars. Don’t exploit them, although I do.

  Oftentimes during a party people tend to cluster together in one clump. In order to get them to circulate, I’ll put a cheese ball in the bedroom to lure some of the guests in an attempt to de-clump them.

  If you see someone boring someone else, just be grateful it’s not you. If you see someone hogging the conversation, create an opening and try to include someone else. Have something ready in your apron pocket to talk about. My line is, “Yes, paella is very traditional to the Spaniards.” Or “Wasn’t that British territory?” If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, “Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we’re all listening.”

  Saying Good-bye

  As a friend’s mother once said about a tree her late husband had planted with tenderness that now stood leafless and brittle: “Daddy’s tree! Chop it down and drag it to the curb.” Thus is the healthy attitude at the end of a party. When it’s over, it’s over. Pack ’em up and get ’em out. There is no point in dragging out the end, regardless of how successful the beginning and the middle have been. The end of a party is no time for sentiment. You’ll have plenty of time to reminisce later. For now, it’s time to say good-bye.

  When the time for farewells comes, don’t say your goodbyes in the hallway or on the street, the neighbors might be sleeping. Say them once and make them quick. You don’t want to encourage lingerers, stragglers, or carnies. Sometimes I walk them to the elevator to make sure they have left the building and I double-check the stairwell to make sure they are gone. I don’t want them standing outside my door listening to me talking about how they ruined my party. If they brought over a dish, I like to return it that night. If you made money off them, make sure they’ve paid, and make doubly sure they leave with their on-spot souvenir.

  Don’t start cleaning up while your guests are leaving, save it for later. I actually love nothing more than doing my dishes after a party because it gives me time to reflect. Time to think of the highlights, the lowlifes, the hits and misses, and the person who fell asleep in my bed. If you have the energy, you can make an entry in your party log, count your quarters, or reform your cheese ball for tomorrow night’s party. On the off chance that you have children, don’t clean up at all.

  As children, my brother and sisters and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris. As you can tell, those were my first steps in hospitality.

  Fried Fish Fillets

  T.G.I.F

  I invited four businessmen over for dinner on a Friday night after their workday. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, because I don’t usually associate with businessmen on a personal level. I’ve never held a white-collar job. Apparently, most white-collar jobs require some sort of schooling, and to me, the only thing more dull than a white-collar job is schooling. That is not to say that I do not respect people who work nine to five, Monday through Friday. I appreciate their dedication to regimen. But for me, I tend to work around my random spurts of energy.

  The theme for the party was nautical, because growing up we always had fish on Friday. For my door decoration, I put up a tissue-paper lobster that had a small sign attached to it that said: “Pinch Me, It’s T.G.I.F.” I used a tablecloth printed with ships’ wheels and anchors. My dinner napkins had a sailing theme and I made a matching apron to match. For my centerpiece, I displayed a conch shell in a beach hat. I used clamshells to hold peanuts and I put sand in the ashtrays. I also placed a tip jar on the table, but they all stiffed me. Everyone knows seamen and businessmen don’t tip.

  Because my knowledge of boats and shipping is limited, I included pirate references. I even considered wearing an eye patch, but limiting my vision while frying flounder felt unnecessarily risky, so instead I wore a hook hand.

  I also thought it would be fun to introduce my white-collar guests to the world of blue collar. I fashioned a small corner of my kitchen into a break room, thinking that if my businessmen needed to get away from the party for a moment they would have somewhere to g
o. I put a large crab ashtray (indicating cancer) on a stool so they would have a designated smoking area. On the wall I hung a time clock so each of my guests could punch in and punch out to “play blue collar.”

  My menu was simple. It included Captain Stack’s Fried Flounder or Broiled Seaman’s Red Snapper, Skipper’s Dock Romaine Salad, and Neptune’s Hush Puppies, with a “Pier” Pressure Choice of baked potato, French fries, or rice, and a monkey dish of Coleslaw of the Dunes served on the side. I also made my Captain’s Mouthwatering Bite-size Blue Ball Cheese Balls. Blue Balls are bite-size cheese balls made out of blue cheese. For dessert, I made it to the bakery and bought a Beachcomber’s Lemon Meringue Pie. I also readied my liquor cabinet, because from what I learned watching old soap operas, your average businessman likes to unwind.

  Around six o’clock they arrived, just in time for happy hour. I made a runner out of plywood so when they walked into the room, their feet would make the same sound you might hear walking down a wooden dock on your way to a boathouse fish shanty. After a quick “Ahoy!” I escorted them into the living room and offered them a drink, which they eagerly accepted. Initially, the party seemed stiff, mostly standing around and small chatter on such mind-numbing subjects as “the Teasdale Account,” and “the Neeves’ Memo.” From the kitchen I heard the topic change to dimples and rushed in thinking I could finally contribute to the conversation only to find out they were talking about some new golf ball. I quickly excused myself, but soon came rushing back when I heard the words “pan head” only to find they were still talking about a golf ball. After five Salty Dogs, my business- mateys began to loosen up. Coats were shed, ties were loosened, and from what I could make out from the kitchen, suggestive comments were tossed off in my direction. I rushed in a third time, and to my surprise discovered the saucy banter was aimed at my next-door neighbor and delivered from my window. Well, shiver me timbers.

  By the time I served the fish, the party had already set sail with a clear but uncharted course for inebriation. The evening was beginning to flounder. I tried to avoid getting crabby, and realized I needed to do something quick before the tide completely turned. I cheerfully suggested a party game—Charades—but from their mostly mumbled responses (“Show us your tits”) it was clear not only that they were not keen on guessing the titles to movies by acting them out, but that I had a full mutiny on my hands. My only recourse was to run this shipwreck aground. So, thinking fast, I sent them on a treasure hunt toward my neighbor’s booty. They bought that hook, line, and sinker and set sail, all men overboard.

  Possible Origins of the term “Monkey Dish”

  • A small dish no bigger than a monkey’s paw.

  • A small dish that would serve monkey.

  • Originally a dish made from a monkey’s skull.

  Menu

  Captain’s Mouthwatering Bite-size Blue Ball Cheese Balls Skipper’s Dock Romaine Salad

  Captain Stack’s Fried Flounder with Shelly’s Tartar Sauce, or Broiled Seaman’s Red Snapper

  Neptune’s Hush Puppies (see page 237)

  Pier Pressure Choice

  Baked Potato All the Way, French Fries, or Rice

  Coleslaw of the Dunes (see page 259)

  Salty Dog on the Rocks

  Beachcomber’s Lemon Meringue Pie (recipe not included, buy one)

  Sandy’s Coffee

  CAPTAIN STACK’S FRIED FLOUNDER

  ½ teaspoon of salt

  ½ teaspoon of pepper

  1/3 cup cornmeal or breadcrumbs

  4 pieces of flounder fillet Vegetable oil

  Leave fillets wet. Dredge fish in salt, pepper, and cornmeal or breadcrumbs. Deep fry in oil at 375°F until golden brown.

  BROILED SEAMAN’S RED SNAPPER

  3 pounds of red snapper fillets ½ cup olive oil

  Juice of 1 lemon

  1½ teaspoons oregano

  3 garlic cloves

  Sprinkle salt and pepper on fillets, to taste, and place them under broiler. Set aside one tablespoon olive oil. Mix the lemon, oregano, and the rest of the olive oil together and pour over the snapper. Broil until it is tender. While the fish is broiling, dice the garlic and fry it in the tablespoon of oil. When the fish is about to be served, top with the garlic mixture.

  CAPTAIN’S MOUTHWATERING BITE-SIZE BLUE BALL CHEESE BALLS

  1 cup of grated Cheddar cheese

  4 ounces of cream cheese

  2 ounces of crumbled blue cheese

  2 tablespoons of butter

  1 tablespoon of chopped green onions (optional) ½ teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce

  1 tablespoon of white wine or milk

  ¼ cup of chopped walnuts

  Ritz crackers

  Bring all cheeses to room temperature. Beat with mixer. Add butter, onions (optional), Worcestershire sauce, and milk or wine, and continue beating. Chill overnight. Shape mixture into tumor-size balls. Roll in chopped nuts. Let stand 15 minutes. Spread on a Ritz.

  SALTY DOG ON THE ROCKS

  1½ ounces vodka

  4 ounces grapefruit juice

  Mix and pour over ice in a glass rimmed with sea salt.

  SKIPPER’S DOCK ROMAINE SALAD

  3 heads of romaine lettuce chopped (cold)

  Croutons (as many as you wish)

  6 tablespoons of garlic oil

  Salt and pepper

  1 tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce

  ¼ cup of olive oil

  ¾ cup of vegetable oil

  6 tablespoons of grated Romano cheese

  1 egg

  Juice of 3 lemons

  Arrange the romaine lettuce, croutons, garlic oil, salt and pepper, Worcestershire sauce, olive oil, vegetable oil, and cheese in a bowl. Break egg over the salad and pour lemon juice on top of the egg. Toss the salad from the bottom.

  SHELLY’S TARTAR SAUCE

  1 tablespoon of dill pickles

  1 tablespoon of sour pickles

  1 tablespoon of chives

  ½ tablespoon of chopped green olives (optional) 1 tablespoon of parsley

  ½ cup of mayonnaise

  Chop the pickles, chives, olives, and parsley into fine pieces. Wring these ingredients in a cloth to get all the liquid out. Combine with the mayonnaise. Mix it up. Courtesy of Jennifer McCullen.

  TWO FISHHOOK INCIDENTS:

  1. My friend’s mother saw her cat swallow a fishhook in the shed. Rather than see the cat suffer, she shot it in the back of the head with a gun.

  2. My sister had a fishhook hanging in her shower. She slipped and the hook went through her lip. The only good thing is that it plumped up her thin lips for a while.

  Optional Menu Suggestion

  Steak with Red Wine Butter Sauce Julius Caesar Salad (see page 258)

  Gloria’s Peas and Onions

  Baked Potato All the Way

  Cousin Kathy’s Cheesecake (see page 233)

  Coffee

  A great tool to use for steak night is a stovetop grill, which fits snuggly over two burners. I can fit up to eight slipper-size steaks on it or two porterhouse steaks. What I like about using the grill is that it makes you feel like a line cook, especially when all your guests request steaks at different temperatures. I find that I can judge people by the temperature of their steak. I serve my steaks with a red wine butter sauce and a steak temperature poke.

  Buy steaks that include a bone. Bones are good items to sell at the end of the night to dog owners.

  RED WINE STEAK BUTTER SAUCE

  My mother got this recipe out of a Playboy magazine. She made it whenever we had a roast beef or steaks. Usually it was made late, so I always saw a small saucepan in the freezer chilling to speed along the hardening of the butter.

  Remove skin of 3 shallots, chop fine, toss in a small saucepan with 2 tablespoons of butter, simmer until tanned. Add ½ cup dry red wine. Continue cooking until the wine is reduced to ¼ cup. Place saucepan in the refrigerator to cool off. Mix one stick of soft butter into the mixture and blend well. Spoon on roast
beast or steaks.

  GLORIA’S PEAS AND ONIONS

  3 sweet (white) Vidalia onions

  ½ cup of olive oil

  4 cans of Green Giant peas

  Slice onions thinly and sauté in oil on medium to low heat, stirring with a wooden spoon. Onions should be stirred frequently, as to NOT BROWN at all. Cook until pearlized. Drain canned peas and add to cooked onions. Fold in gently and keep on warm until serving. Serves 8. Courtesy of Dino Deguiceis.

  BAKED POTATO ALL THE WAY

  Scrub your potatoes and stab several times with a fork. Put them in an oven at 400 degrees F for 1 hour. Remove from the oven and make a slit down the middle lengthwise. Press the 2 ends a little towards each other until the insides come out of the slit. Top with butter, sour cream, diced chives, salt, and freshly cracked pepper.

  Chicken of the Taverns

  Blind Date

  I like having a first date in my home. I feel more comfortable when I can control the evening.

  The goal is to impress him, and this is easier for me when he is on my turf. I can put my skills to work: I can cast a spell. I don’t like a lot of small talk, so I allow my home and homemaking abilities to speak for me. I’m guessing a stranger can get a pretty good idea as to who I am by observing the medical wax model of a canker sore I have hanging on a wall, or my antique correction shoe displayed on a bookshelf, or the fact that my place is organized primarily to accommodate my rabbit (see “And Rabbits,” page 179). First dates often have an air of illusion swirling around them. Because typically on a first date, people don’t know much about each other so they tend to reinvent themselves for the occasion as well as project onto the other what qualities they desire most in a mate. Many times, it’s not until well after you’ve said “I do” that the fantasy fades and it becomes up to your lawyer to help you settle the custody for the leather Dale Earnhardt jacket.