I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

  GOLDEN YUKON POTATO WEDGES FRENCH FRIED IN OLIVE OIL

  6 medium/large Yukon gold potatoes, olive oil

  (or olive pomace or sunflower oil), salt, pepper, and parsley

  Wash potatoes well. Wrap them individually in aluminum foil and bake at 400 degrees F, for 30–35 minutes (¾ of the way through). Remove from oven and allow to cool. Cut in ½ lengthwise and again into wedges (steak cut). Using a deep pan, fill it 2/3 full with oil. Heat to 350 degrees F. Drop wedges into the oil in small batches, and fry until golden brown (they will rise to the top). Remove to paper towel and season with salt and pepper immediately. Garnish with chopped parsley leaves.

  SILVER DOLLAR PANCAKES

  2 cups flour

  1 teaspoon baking soda ¼ teaspoon salt

  2 tablespoons sugar

  2 eggs

  2 cups buttermilk

  1 tablespoon butter, melted 1 cup banana

  mashed, optional

  Mix dry ingredients together. Beat eggs and buttermilk together, and add dry ingredients. Beat until smooth and add butter. Pour into pitcher. Heat and grease griddle. Pour batter into 2" rounds. Brown and flip when air bubbles form in the batter.

  How To:

  Measure felt around book leaving 3 or 4 inches on each side to fold under and ¼ inch extra on top and bottom edges. Cut. Fold sides and stitch on top and bottom to create pocket. Stitch to center front of book cover. Trim and decorate with appliqués and embroidery. Fill with your favorite short stories. Excellent.

  RICH CHOCOLATE CAKE

  You will need:

  Water, cocoa, buttermilk, unsalted butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla, flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt

  I use this recipe for chocolate cupcakes as well.

  In a bowl combine: ¾ cup of boiling water, ¾ cup of cocoa, 1 cup buttermilk and mix together until smooth and then set aside. In a mixer, beat 1½ sticks unsalted butter and 1¾ cups sugar until fluffy. Add 4 eggs, beating after you add each one. Add 2 teaspoons vanilla, 2½ cups flour, 1½ teaspoons of baking soda, ½ teaspoon baking powder, and 1 teaspoon salt, and combine this mixture with the chocolate mixture. Pour into a sheet pan or a cupcake pan or two 9-inch cake pans. Bake for about 25 minutes.

  See how to make this fake cake on page 279.

  FROSTING:

  Rich chocolate whipped cream:

  6 tablespoons of cocoa, 1 cup of sugar, 2 cups of whipping cream, ¼ teaspoon of salt

  Stir well and chill for an hour or two. Then whip in chilled bowl using chilled beaters.

  First-Class Suggestions Fit for a King

  Put the cake plates in the freezer to serve dessert or salad on.

  Chill your beer mugs and martini glasses; nothing is better than a frosty mug or glass.

  Heat your dinner plates in the oven, or if you have a dishwasher, run them through the dry cycle. (The dishwasher is also a good place to steam fish, by putting it in foil and having the dishwasher steam it for you.)

  The Unexpected Guest

  Unfortunately, not all unexpected guests are rich uncles, but fortunately, I have a doorman so I can pretend I am not at home. I seldom answer my phone anyway because I can’t hear it; the volume is turned down. Either way, I am prepared. But if my defenses fail and the unexpected guest does slip through, I accept the inconvenience and act as hospitable as possible. I make a point never to apologize for being caught unprepared, for they’re the ones who busted in on me.

  The unexpected guest comes in many forms, sizes, and shapes. It could be a fair-weather friend, a former teacher, a police officer, or a priest. You could get a call from someone at the bus station looking to kill a couple of hours or they could “just happen to be in the lobby” or neighborhood. Maybe they grew up in your home before you lived there and want to reminisce. Perhaps it’s a Girl Scout selling cookies or an escaped convict on the run. Maybe Social Services has dropped by and it’s important to play a gracious host while concealing what they are so desperate to find. Whatever the situation, this is where your hospitality is put to the test.

  Because I live in a small apartment, I can’t stock a lot of food due to a lack of space, not to mention cockroaches, mice, and the occasional rat. But I do try to be prepared the best I can when unexpected guests arrive by having a few basic things in the refrigerator that I can whip into something for drive-bys or munchies. Canned goods are a safe bet. I always have a couple of jars of stuffed grape leaves or a can of peanuts. I have spaghetti, butter, and of course, lots of greens (because that’s all my rabbit eats), things that can be thrown together in 15 minutes (see “15-Minute Meals in 20 Minutes,” page 196), as well as plenty of cupcakes and cheese balls, because of my business. Growing up, my neighbors always had a frozen cake in their coffin-like freezer in the basement for an unexpected guest, because it thaws out fast. I also know someone who kept pineapple flavored ice cubes somewhere in the house to add to a drink to make it special.

  An unexpected guest means you have to be quick on your feet and adapt to any situation. If someone brings their two-year-old to my home I have to immediately hide my reaction and quickly think about what might be at their eye level, like knives, lighters, or candles.

  If the unexpected guest is pressuring you to allow them to crash on your futon for the night, be prepared to pull out one of those excuses you’ve been saving in your back pocket, like, “I’d love for you to stay, but they’re fumigating for rats,” or “I found a spider sack.”

  Feel free to turn the tables on an unexpected guest. If you are a single girl, an old person, or someone who is injured, sick, or obese, take advantage of having an extra set of hands. Have them put a shelf up, set clocks back, remove a mouse from a mousetrap, rotate a mattress, or snake a drain. If you’re the unexpected guest doing the visiting, be considerate and appear with something heavy that is a pain in the ass to haul up six flights of stairs, such as fireplace logs, kitty litter, charcoal, bottled water, or birdseed.

  I find my timer to be a great tool when it comes to unexpected visitors because it keeps track of the time so you don’t have to. I bring one with me when I drop in on people.

  Unfortunately, the one thing you can expect with most unexpected guests is that they are not expected anywhere. So when the unexpected guest doesn’t know when to leave, expect to educate them. I recently had a gay friend drop by unannounced. This is always a high-alert situation. If you don’t act quickly he may become a permanent fixture. You can always lie. Make up a story, such as: “Don’t mind me. The doctors said the best thing for my yeast infection was to expose my vagina to the air.”

  Or

  “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here. You can help me pick out the best photos of my vagina from these contact sheets.”

  Or

  “You can’t stay. It’s March Madness” (or whatever month Madness it is when they drop in). This is a sports-related reference and will work well on all but the jockiest gay men.

  Or

  “If you stay, you can help me babysit the babies in the back room—I’ll go get them.”

  Homosexuals are easy to fool because they have such great imaginations. Try to avoid allowing him to get high or drunk. This will really cloud his sense of time. If he does insist on drinking, this is your chance to empty your stash of weird liquors. Gay men will drink anything alcoholic because most of them feel a great need to escape, but pour heavy because he’s not leaving until those bottles are empty. Never ask for advice, such as his opinion on beige versus tan. He will go on for hours. As a last recourse, yawn a lot, especially when he’s speaking. Hopefully he’ll get tired of hearing you say, “I’m sorry, what was that?”

  Kourambiethes

  Cold Cuts Anytime

  The Out-of-Town Guest

  As an unexpected guest, you present quite a challenge to your gracious host, but nothing nearly as crippling as the out-of-town guest. When the unexpected guest hijacks a host’s valuable time it’s only for hours, while an out-of-town guest can be around for days, even wee
ks. So, if you are an out-of-town guest, be classy and find somewhere else to stay. If you’re not classy or you’re a family member, here are a few suggestions on how to be a tolerable outof-town guest:

  • Make it clear to your host exactly how long you will be staying. This allows them to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Never arrive uninvited, like an earthquake, with a lame excuse. Nobody likes a shocker.

  • Try to be in good spirits. You’ve already burdened your host with your stay, don’t add insult to injury by expressing your disappointment about not getting better tickets to No, No, Nanette or The Drowsy Chaperone on off Broadway.

  • Don’t arrive saying you have chiggers, scabies, ringworm, or lice. Keep your parasites to yourself.

  • Make sure you have a game plan for your trip so your host doesn’t have to also play events coordinator. The last thing your host wants to hear from you is, “So, what’s shakin’ for today?”

  • Bring two books to read or one to write.

  • Don’t bring a gift like flavored coffee or a personalized mug unless you know for sure that’s what your host is into or even worse, don’t show up empty-handed. If you don’t know your host’s tastes, bring a little something like a bottle of wine or stamps. Then, be a good detective while you’re there. Scope something out that would be more appropriate for her, like a new pair of dish washing gloves, coffee filters, a romance novel, a carton of cigarettes or, better yet, how about replacing that bottle of Tia Maria you emptied? You can always send them a gift after you’ve left, along with your thank-you check.

  • Don’t show up with a pet you need to bury.

  • Pack lightly when visiting. Nothing will scare a host more than matching luggage and a hatbox.

  • Never put down your host’s town or compare it to where you are from.

  • Keep your belongings together and not scattered about. This applies double in the bathroom. Bring a dopp kit.

  • If you are sleeping on the couch, fold your bedding and put it away before you get up and don’t oversleep.

  • Don’t make extra work for your host. Clean up after yourself. If you drop change on the floor or see packing peanuts, pick them up.

  • Don’t expect to be waited on.

  • Don’t steal anything and stay out of the medicine chest.

  • Be respectful of furniture and other belongings. Don’t put your luggage on the table afraid that the rabbit might chew on the identification tag, or sit on the couch and pour iodine on an open sore.

  • If you break something, replace it. I once had a friend over who broke a dinner plate and he was gay enough to realize that the plate he broke was a Russell Wright. The next day I received eight of them.

  • If you take a nap, leave your clothes on. Don’t get naked and get under the covers. Naps involve clothing.

  • Don’t invite other people over, answer the phone or the door, or adjust the temperature. Don’t turn on the TV or hi-fi without asking.

  • Don’t give your host’s number out so you can receive personal calls, especially if it’s a drug connection. Always pay for any calls that you make.

  • When given choices, make a decision. Breast or thigh? Can or bottle? Parcheesi or Chinese checkers? Grand Central Station or JFK? Pick one.

  • Let your host know of any dietary restrictions. Are you fatally allergic to root vegetables or only eating purple foods this month?

  • Offer to help with household chores such as setting the table, raking leaves, washing windows, painting baseboards, or digging a grave.

  • If you do smoke cigarettes or marijuana, or you drink a lot of beer, then bring it with you. Don’t suck the hostess dry and then just leave. I went to a wedding on a boat once, and my date was a smoker and didn’t even bring any cigarettes. He mooched off other people all night long on a four-hour boat ride. He should have bought three packs just so people could mooch off him.

  • Don’t flirt with the boyfriend or husband.

  • Don’t leave anything behind—nothing’s worse than your host having to mail your forgotten golf umbrella.

  • Don’t dye your hair while you’re there.

  • My mother always said “Don’t bother other people.” I think that’s good advice.

  Other Preparations for an Out-of -Town Guest

  Regardless of the situation an out-of-town guest presents, it’s important to rise to the occasion and be the best host that you can be. Here are a few ways to make your out-oftowner’s stay as painless and pleasant as possible.

  • Offer them a ride to the airport.

  • Ask if your guest needs anything, like an iron, hangers, or a razor. Always have spares.

  • Never, under any circumstances, leave a guest alone in your apartment, especially if you have something to hide. They will find it because they are looking for it.

  • Take into consideration how they traveled to get to you. Are they jet-lagged, fresh off a boat, or cramped from an eighteen-hour bus ride?

  • Always act interested in their small-town stories even if you aren’t. Don’t assume that your stories are any more interesting than theirs.

  • You should let your guest know ahead of time if you’ve planned a certain activity (see example below), so they have enough time to psych themselves up or to pack the proper tranquilizer if it’s something they loathe to do.

  • Don’t plan every minute of your guest’s stay. They might have planned their own trip or simply not want a plan at all.

  • If you want to splurge, show them one of your money jars and tell them, “This is what we have to blow” or better yet, ask them to contribute to it before they leave.

  • If you know what your guest likes, stock a few of their favorite food items or drinks. And if this particular guest comes to visit often, consider having something monogrammed for them, such as towels or a branding iron for steaks. Triple initials, Jocelyn Ellen Wortis.

  • Plan a menu that will provide you with multiple meals such as a ham, turkey, or a meat loaf or plenty of cold cuts. This way your guest can make himself sandwiches or a late-night snack. Do-ahead dishes are great for weekend stays.

  • Have some busy work you can do together while sitting around catching up, like frosting cupcakes, snapping beans, shucking corn, squeezing limes, or shelling walnuts. Good mindless things make it easy to carry on a conversation. Avoid counting change, reading, playing solitaire, or listening to music with headphones. These activities don’t leave you open for conversation.

  • If you have a lot of errands to run, invite your guest along; it’s a good time to talk and it’s a great way for them to sightsee.

  • A good trick is to fill your medicine cabinet with marbles. Nothing announces a nosey guest better than an avalanche of marbles hitting a porcelain sink. Plus you’ll know which guest is a junkie whore or gutter hype, and you’ll know what else to hide. Count your stash or remove the labels from your prescription bottles.

  Gift Suggestions for a Hostess from an Out-of-Town Guest

  Books

  Flowers or plants, depending on yard

  Tree identification tags (see picture, page 293) Ashtray

  Hairbrush

  Umbrella

  Stationery for guest room

  Personalized matches

  Expensive candle

  Something that can be used up or consumed like olive oil, nuts, soap, butter, wine, weed, liquor, paper napkins, hangers, catnip, carrot tops, crabmeat, fancy mustard, dog bones, salami, saffron, chocolates, good coffee, peppercorns, candy, stamps, fireplace logs, hand cream.

  Breakfast for Sleepy Hollow Heads

  There is an old saying that goes, “Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a citizen, and dinner like a beggar.” I don’t live by that, but I like repeating it. For me I prefer, “Eat breakfast like a peasant on a hunger strike, lunch like a serf with gastroenteritis, and dinner like a jester who has just raided the pantry when the king’s away.” In other words, I
don’t eat breakfast. Lunch weighs me down and dinner never ends (see “Munchies,” page 96). Of course, this lifestyle probably explains my problem areas. Although I don’t eat breakfast, I do sometimes contribute to the breakfast table on special occasions. I like to make coffee cake. Coffee cake is also an appropriate dish to give to a person when they have lost someone special, or when you want to bring a tasty treat to a morning meeting. I make this cake every Christmas morning. The recipe is based on a recipe from an old Sunset cookbook my mother had that I can’t find.

  CINNAMON SOUR CREAM COFFEE CAKE

  You will be placing this cake in a cold oven, then setting the oven to 350 degrees and baking for 55 minutes. You will need 9-inch greased tube pan.

  Beat until light and fluffy:

  2 sticks of unsalted butter

  1¼ cups of sugar

  2 eggs

  Blend in:

  1 cup of sour cream

  2 cups of sifted flour

  ½ teaspoon of baking soda

  1½ teaspoons of baking powder

  Add into butter mixture.

  Add: 2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract

  Blend well.

  Spoon half the mixture into the tube pan (this batter will be thick), sprinkle half the nut mixture (below) over the batter. Then spoon the rest of the thick batter on top of that and top with remaining nut mixture.

  For the nut mixture, I use a small, hand, nut grinder: Grind 1 cup of finely chopped walnut meats and mix with 1¼ teaspoons of cinnamon and 2 tablespoons of sugar.

  Strawberry Shortcake

  Lumberjack Lunch

  No one appreciates a hot, hearty lunch quite like a lumberjack. These brawny, bearded men definitely know how to work up an appetite. What with their logrolling, vertical chopping, and sawing, it’s no wonder they grab for seconds. Most of the lumberjacks I know have a simple palate. They tend to like their whole meal on one plate or in a single bowl, which is why I’ll be making stew. Lumberjacks are no nonsense. I never serve appetizers to my lumberjacks. They don’t like cocktails and they don’t like cordials. They’re not big on nuts. Perhaps it’s all the squirrels they come in contact with on the job, or it could be unshelled nuts are just not worth a lumberjack’s effort. Lumberjacks have a one-track mind. Like a brown bear fresh from hibernation, they can become confused and easily agitated when not fed quickly. It’s important not to dillydally in the presence of a lumberjack. The last thing a lumberjack wants to hear on a lunch break is, “Why don’t you relax while I prepare you some lunch.” A lumberjack is a working man and his time is limited.