by Amy Sedaris
It’s fine to serve a lumberjack food on plastic dishware and you should always permit them to use bread as a utensil. As a general rule allow a lumberjack to dine alone. Treat them like fireworks: “light fuse and back away.” Serve them large portions quickly, and then swiftly retreat to a “safe place” until the gorging has ended.
Don’t question a lumberjack and never look one in the eye. Be polite when suggesting they remove their cleats, but be prepared if they don’t. I always have a clear path to the table, and another to the bathroom. Feeding lumberjacks can be very rewarding when you take care to follow all the necessary precautions.
Lumberjack Prayer
Bless us O Lord for logs we chop,
Logs we roll and trees we drop,
We swing our ax until we stop,
For rolls with butter and pork of chop,
We’ll chow until the forest beckons,
A hearty stew of potatoes and bacons,
Oh O Lord, one thing we reckons,
Enough with the chatter, how ’bout seconds?
by Sven Halvorson
Mud Stain Removal
Make sure that the mud stain on the rug has dried. Vacuum the dirt off. Take some laundry soap and work it into the stain. This should work. If not just turn the rug over and deny it ever happened.
Gift Ideas for Lumberjacks
Underpants
Harmonica and neck supporter
Ax guard
Socks
Insect repellent
Sandwich meat
Guide on poisonous plants
Tweezers for splinters
Tea tree oil shampoo
Book of haunted stories
White jeans
Wood grain lighter (see “Personalized Lighters,” page 288)
Toilet paper caddy
Sit-upon
Compass
Buck knife
Paper cutter
Menu
Crosscut Stump Stew
Stack of White Bread
Lumberjack’s Vanishing Oatmeal Raisin Cookies (see page 231)
CROSSCUT STUMP STEW
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Serves one lumberjack, or six people.
2 pounds of stewing beef, (cut into 2-inch cubes)
3 tablespoons of olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 cup tomato puree
½ cup of red wine
2 tablespoons of wine vinegar
1 bay leaf
1 3-inch cinnamon stick
4 whole cloves
Sugar
Salt and pepper
1 ½ pounds of small pearl onions
Brown your cubed beef on all sides in a pan of hot oil and then transfer to a casserole dish. Add onion and garlic to the pan. Add more oil or butter if you need to, fry until the onion is soft. Add tomato puree, wine, and vinegar and stir. Pour this over the meat cubes in the casserole dish, and add the bay leaf, cinnamon, cloves, sugar, and salt and pepper.
Cover and cook in oven for 1 hour, or cook on stove, slowly. While beef is cooking, boil a pan of water. Remove roots and tops of pearl onions. Crosscut (score) the root end and place in a bowl. Cover in boiling water for 2 minutes, then drain off water. The skins will slip off easily. Add the onions to stew and continue to simmer on low until the meat and onions are tender and the sauce is thick. (About 1 ½ hours or longer.)
Optional Menu
Chip Chop Chicken Pot Pie (see page 205)
Stack of White Bread
Bailiwick Gingersnaps (see page 231)
Lemon Chess Tarts
Out to Brunch
I don’t like brunch. Brunch is a combination of breakfast and lunch. I could never date somebody who was into brunch, that’s a deal breaker. I don’t like the ceremony attached to brunch. Brunch requires me to gather in the early afternoon or late morning with other people so we can talk while we eat a big meal and then when it’s over, what? I’m stuffed, I’m talked out, I’m tired and lazy as if all my bones left my body and it’s not even one o’clock in the afternoon. I like looking forward to dinner, and a lunchtime breakfast burrito or a heaping helping of huevos rancheros robs me of that. People who normally like to drink during the day love brunch because they can drink and not hide it. With brunch, they don’t have to be embarrassed about being sauced in the middle of the afternoon.
The last time I hosted a brunch was New Year’s Day a number of years ago. I only agreed to have it because it was a request. I didn’t call it brunch because I don’t like the term.
Because brunches at home tend to be buffet style, it’s a great opportunity to be brave and serve a dish you have never made before. That way, you can mix it amongst the more common dishes and take note of its reception. When using a large table to display your brunch buffet, it’s fun to go crazy with the food decorations, like butter molds and radish carvings or create pickle fans and celery curls. Brunch is also a good time to serve exotic teas. Because brunch is a daytime activity, people feel comfortable bringing their children. My brunch was no exception. Fortunately I was able to turn this unfortunate facet of brunch into a money-making opportunity because, after all, who doesn’t want a photo of their child taken on the first day of the year, especially when it costs only peanuts?
HOT ICED TEA
4 boiling cups of water
4 standard tea bags (sometimes I’ll add 3 bags black tea, then make the 4th peppermint or lemon)
Let it steep. Remove bags and let it sit awhile on it’s own before putting it in the refrigerator. Pour over ice with a lemon wheel. If tea becomes cloudy that’s OK.
Greek Beans
The following is the menu I served for brunch. In creating it, I had to take into account that it would be served on New Year’s Day and I had plans New Year’s Eve, which meant I would be up late the night before, so I tossed out the more traditional brunch menu and went with a menu that included the jackpot recipes I know like the back of my hand, in order to save time. Normally I would serve these dishes closer to dinnertime, but being this was a special occasion, and given the fact champagne was still coursing through my veins, I had to go with what I know.
Menu
Freshly Ground Coffee, I Mean, Brewed
Lemon Verbena Tea
My World Famous Lil’ Smoky Cheese Ball (see page 181)
Ginger Ale
Various Juices
Pastitsio Spanakopita (Spinach Pie)
Tula’s Country-style Greek Salad
Greek Beans (see page 238)
Arty Sarayiotes Koulouraki (Greek Cookie Twists)
Tattletail’s Vanilla Cupcakes (see page 182)
White Wine
PASTITSIO (MEAT PIE)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees for 45 minutes.
MACARONI:
1 16-ounce package of ziti macaroni
5 tablespoons of butter
¾ cup of Parmesan cheese or Kefalotiri cheese
¼ teaspoon of nutmeg
Salt and pepper
3 eggs, lightly beaten
MEAT SAUCE:
1 or 2 pounds of beef
1 onion, chopped
1 crushed garlic clove
3 tablespoons of olive oil
1 small can of tomato paste
½ cup of red wine
½ can of beef broth or stock
2 tablespoons parsley
½ teaspoon sugar
Salt and pepper
CREAM SAUCE:
1/3 cup of butter
½ cup of flour
3 cups of milk
¼ teaspoon of nutmeg
Salt and pepper
1 egg
SWEET TEA
4 boiling cups of water
4 standard tea bags (sometimes I’ll add 3 bags black tea then make the 4th peppermint or lemon)
Let it steep. Remove bags and let it sit awhile on it’s own before putting it in the refrigerator. Add a cup of sugar. Pour over ice with a lemon whe
el. If tea becomes cloudy that’s OK.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a large pot, boil and drain your ziti, return to pot. Melt butter. Pour over the ziti and toss.
Add ½ cup of the cheese, the nutmeg, salt, and pepper. Save a little of the cheese to sprinkle over the top of the dish before baking.
Toss again and set aside. Let it cool a little before adding the eggs. Toss well. To make meat sauce, brown meat in frying pan until almost fully cooked. Drain off the fat and set meat aside.
Fry onion and garlic in oil. Add meat and remaining ingredients. Cover and simmer for 20 minutes.
To make the cream sauce, melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour and cook until smooth. Add milk all at once and bring to a boil, stirring constantly.
Add nutmeg, salt and pepper. Let it cool, then stir in the beaten egg.
Add ½ cup of this cream sauce to the meat sauce and mix.
To assemble, use a 13 x 9 x 3 inch oven dish, buttered. Spoon ½ of the macaroni evenly on the bottom, then top with the meat sauce. Cover that layer with remaining macaroni. Pour on cream sauce and spread over the entire top.
Sprinkle remaining cheese on top and bake until a little brown on top, about 45 minutes.
SPANAKOPITA (SPINACH PIE)
5 eggs
3 10-ounce packages of frozen, chopped spinach, defrosted (ring out any water using cheesecloth or dishrag)
8 ounces of cream cheese
8 ounces or more of crumbled feta cheese
8 ounces of small curd cottage cheese
Olive oil
2 bunches of chopped green onions, sautéed
1 tablesoon of parsley
Dill, fennel (optional)
3 tablespoons of Parmesan cheese
1 1-pound of box of phyllo pastry
In a mixer, beat the eggs until fluffy. Add everything else (except the phyllo) gradually, just until mixed. You can store the filling in the refrigerator to make the next day, if desired. Or you can make the whole pie, freeze it and bake the next day.
Melt a stick of butter. Using a pastry brush, butter the pan you will be using to bake it in. I use a 9 x 13 x 3 inch pan.
Line the bottom with half the box of phyllo, buttering between each layer. Add spinach filling and spread evenly.
Top with a little extra crumbled feta, if you have some left.
Place the remaining phyllo on top, again buttered between each sheet.
I precut the spanakopita and place it in the freezer until ready to bake. I then baptize the top with a little water and bake at 350 degrees F until brown and crispy on top, 45– 50 minutes.
If phyllo starts to get too brown, cover with foil.
TULA’S COUNTRY-STYLE GREEK SALAD
3 tomatoes, sliced
1 cucumber, peeled and sliced
3 spring onions, chopped, or 1 small red onion, sliced
Lettuce and green peppers (optional)
5 ounces feta cheese, diced, crumbed, or cubed
Handful kalamata olives
Salt, pepper, and oregano or rigani
Handful roasted pine nuts
Arrange the tomato, cucumber, onions, lettuce, and green peppers in bowl. Top with the feta and olives and sprinkle with salt, pepper, and oregano or rigani, to taste. Toss on pine nuts.
Beat dressing (below) and pour over vegetables.
Serves 6.
SALAD DRESSING:
Mix ¼ to ½ cup olive oil and 3 tablespoons of red wine vinegar or lemon juice. Salt and pepper to taste.
ARTY SARAYIOTES KOULOURAKI (GREEK COOKIE TWISTS)
1 pound of sweet butter
1 to 1 ½ cups of sugar
2 eggs, yolks and whites separated
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon of cardamom (from seed, crushed)
2 pounds of flour or 6 to 7 cups
2 teaspoons of baking powder
½ pint of heavy cream
You will need egg wash and sesame seeds too.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add egg yolks, vanilla, cardamom.
Sift flour and baking powder together. Add to mixture with heavy cream.
Shape by taking a tablespoon or two of dough and rolling into 7″ ropes (looks like a long cigar). Fold the rope in half and twist together.
Place on foil-lined cookie sheet and brush each twist with egg whites and top with sesame seeds.
Bake for about 25 minutes, or until light brown.
OTHER PREPARATIONS
• Instant camera for moneymaking ideas (see “The Money Jar,” page 32).
• Cardboard boxes for the kids to play in.
• It’s nice to have a couple different newspapers sitting around on this occasion because you feel lazy and newspapers and brunch seem to go together.
Cooking Under the Influence
I like drugs. And when I say drugs, of course, I mean helpful pills that are legally prescribed by doctors. Why would I partake in the use of illegal substances? I firmly believe that illegal drugs are destroying the moral fiber of this nation and I would be willing to repeat this statement in any court of law where I’m on trial. Now, if the prosecution asserts that illegal substances such as marijuana are as common at my parties as punch or appetizers, well, all I have to say to that ridiculous accusation is, “Judge, I rest me’s case!”
I never have drugs at my parties. I do occasionally have what I like to refer to as party enhancers. There are all sorts of party enhancers and often the differences in symptoms can be subtle. As a safety measure it is often helpful to be able to identify the specific enhancer your guest is flying on.
A Guide to Help You Keep Track
1. Dilated pupils. They seem wired, tense, jittery or wound as tight as a spring. Their hands and feet are in constant motion. They threaten another guest with a pork chop bone. This would indicate “Goofballs.”
2. Pupils are contracted. The person is apathetic. Their movements are slow and relaxed. They seem “out of this world.” They nod out in the eggnog. This would suggest “Zombies.”
3. Bloodshot and slightly glazed eyes. Binge-eating followed by bouts of passivity. They attempt to describe all their ideas. Say hello to pot.
Interesting Information
• If you are purchasing hash and you notice that it has been rolled really tight, chances are that children rolled it. Maybe this will make you think twice about buying it.
• When you hear someone use the word “meds” instead of the word “medicine,” chances are they’re no stranger to massive doses of mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Back out of the room slowly.
• If you know you are going to be drinking or doing drugs, make sure to first organize your wallet so you don’t accidentally pay the cabbie too much money.
Alcoholics
If one of my parties was pulled over and administered a breath analyzer it would spend the weekend in jail. That’s because at my parties, alcohol and drugs are encouraged, in moderation, and by “moderation,” I of course mean that whatever my guests want to put in their throats is fine by me; I’m not here to judge. That’s not to say I’m eager to entertain alcoholics. Even though some of my friends, as well as most of the guys I’ve dated, are alcoholics, I’m not a big fan of drunks at my parties. On first thought they might seem like the perfect party guests: lively, spirited, unpredictable, and they can be until that time of the night comes when they’re throwing up in your dishwasher. As much as an alcoholic can rev up a party, they can kill one just as fast. Yes, it’s kind of amusing when they make that beard out of cheese, but the laughs die quickly once you realize you now have nothing to dip your crackers in. And that’s the problem with alcoholics at parties, they don’t have any boundaries. That and they’ll drink all your liquor, crash in your bed and wet it. Alcoholics tend to think they are much funnier than they actually are, and this is a major pitfall for the alcoholic. Most people know when they’ve lost their au
dience, but not the alcoholic. They’ll keep plugging away long after the house lights have come up. If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it’s a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention. Also, alcoholics are no fun to cook for. They are not interested in food. Alcoholics like to drink. When alcoholics cook for themselves, they only think in terms of what they can do minimally and still sustain life.
On the other hand, a party won’t fare any better with recovered alcoholics. They love to regale party guests with ribald stories from their “drinkin’ daze,” which always makes me think, “I bet you were a lot more fun when you drank.”
Young boys start drinking at an early age when feelings and emotions develop and they yearn to suppress them. This explains why so many adult men are crisis prone and emotionally blocked. This can also apply to some women. You know who you are.
An Alcoholic’s Menu
Whiskey Dick’s Baked Chicken Wings
Applesauce
WHISKEY DICK’S BAKED CHICKEN WINGS
Put chicken wings in a pan with some oil. Add salt and pepper now (or whatever you’re sober enough to reach for) so you don’t forget later. Bake at 375 degrees F for about an hour.
