by Amy Sedaris
TURN OVEN OFF.
SUGGESTION
Odd numbers of food look better on a plate. Five chicken wings are going to look better than four.
Baked Chicken Wings
LINGUINI AND CLAMS
60 small fresh clams
1 tablespoon of chopped garlic
4 tablespoons of olive oil
¾ tablespoon of parsley
Pepper
Pinch of crushed red pepper flakes
Pinch of oregano
Clam juice (optional)
1 pound linguini
Open the clams by steaming. Remove the clams and chop into pieces. Save all the juices. Save a whole clam or two just so you can use it later to garnish the dish. Sauté the garlic in oil until tanned. Add parsley, pepper, pepper flakes, and oregano. Add the clams and cook for about 4 minutes. Add the optional clam juice. Add it when you add the pepper, pepper flakes, and oregano and maybe more after you have cooked the clams, then just cook for another 2 to 3 minutes. Serve on top of linguini.
Bats in the Belfry
As a host, you will have to accept early on in the party process that some or many of your guests will have psychological problems and these need to be considered. For instance, one of your guests may be unable to remove himself from a physically abusive relationship. You need to be sensitive to this and avoid menu items such as battered chicken, whipped potatoes, beets, or sock-eye salmon. If another guest is in a codependent relationship, they might feel more comfortable being served peas and carrots, turkey and stuffing, fish and chips, linguini and clams, or pork and beans.
You might not be aware of a guest’s mental disorder beforehand, only to find it flaring up just as the party kicks in. Remember, this is your party not a sanatorium. Your healthy party guests must come first. If the troubled guest cannot be talked down, ask him or her to leave. If the troubled guest refuses to leave, sedate him. If sedating him flops, coax him into a closet by either preying on his paranoid fantasies or with a chicken wing. Once the guest is trapped, block the door with furniture and call a professional.
Codependent Foods
There is much one can do to remove a urine stain from a mattress. Vinegar can remove odors, but because this is a moisture problem, I suggest dragging your mattress out into the sun. But realize you’re not only airing a mattress, you’re airing your dirty laundry as well.
Potato Salad
TIDDLYWINKS TOADSTOOL PIE
1 baked piecrust (see page 214)
CREAM SAUCE:
3 tablespoons of butter (salted or unsalted)
3 tablespoons of flour
1 cup of light cream
Salt and pepper
MUSHROOM FILLING:
1 pound of fresh mushrooms, sliced
2 tablespoons of butter
2 small garlic cloves, crushed
3 shallots, minced
2 egg yolks mixed with 1 tablespoon of light cream
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons of white wine
TOPPING:
½ cup of grated Swiss cheese
Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour and cook until smooth. Add cream and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Sauté mushrooms in butter with garlic and shallots. Drain off any liquid. Add the mushrooms to the cream sauce and the egg mixture. Blend salt, pepper, and wine. Pour into pie shell. Top with cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes, until cheese is melted and crust is brown.
MR. MACE’S MUSHROOM CASSEROLE
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 package frozen chopped broccoli
1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup grated Cheddar cheese
1 cup chopped onion
Breadcrumbs
Butter pats
Mix everything except breadcrumbs and butter in a bowl and place in baking dish. Cover with breadcrumbs and place butter pats on top. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, until brown.
Courtesy of Alan Mace.
Fungus Amongus
Buttermilk Pound Cake
Pound Cake
1 cup butter, softened
3 cups sugar
4 eggs
¼ teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 teaspoons lemon juice
3 cups flour
1 cup buttermilk
Cream butter and sugar together. Add eggs one at a time, incorporating well.
Add baking soda, vanilla, and lemon juice. Add flour and buttermilk alternately. Bake in a greased and floured tube pan at 350 degrees F, for one hour.
Optional: Sprinkle top of cake with sugar before baking to create a sweeter crust.
Courtesy of Jennifer McCullen
Munchies
1. Baked Tater Tots, topped with Cheddar cheese and bacon
2. Mozzarella sticks dipped in Cool Whip
3. Take the chewed-up cracker that is in your mouth and top it on another cracker and eat it
4. Peanut butter sandwich with grapes, bananas, and honey on toasted bread
5. Cold peanuts with milk
6. Toasted frozen waffl es with ice cream between them
7. A glass of milk with four Milk Duds at the bottom
8. Popcorn popped in bacon grease
9. Banana with peanut butter on it
10. Coconut and peanut butter mixed together
11. Block of Cheddar cheese with mayonnaise on it
12. Grilled cheese and corn sandwich
13. Powdered sugar on any kind of cheese
14. Banana dipped in Jell-O powder
15. Potato chips dipped in ketchup or mustard or salad dressing
16. Stovetop s’mores
17. Crushed pretzels with cream cheese on toast
18. Uncooked hot dog dipped in Swiss Miss
19. Turkey sandwich with Doritos crunched inside
20. Pretzels dipped in peanut butter
21. Grape jelly with chocolate sauce
22. Cake mix milk shake made with water
23. Crisco mixed with sugar
24. Kool-Aid mix and pickle spears
25. Fudgsicle
Children
As far as I’m concerned, children’s parties don’t really matter until the children are at least five. This is the age that gifts count. Children before that age are too young to understand the concept of presents. You can gift wrap a head of cabbage and give it to a two-year-old and they won’t know the difference. I once gave a toddler a string of old colored lightbulbs and his reaction was no different from when he opened the blocks or the stuffed turtle. Of course, I say that gifts don’t matter to children under five, but this is coming from a person who has given a hand-tailored cape to her rabbit. But that’s different, rabbits know (see “And Rabbits,” page 179).
When planning a child’s party, send invitations out, because children love to get mail. Explain what activities are planned so the children know what to wear. (Pool party or hayride.) Children’s parties should always have a set time limit, like, “from 2 to 2:30,” because, given a child’s boundless energy and the lack of yours, you will never wear them down. The more organized the party, the better, because you don’t want the kids to get bored or restless.
THE BEST ROOT BEER FLOAT IN TOWN
Take two scoops of vanilla ice cream and put them in your favorite glass. Pour as much root beer as you can on top.
Serve with a straw and a spoon.
Organizing a child’s party is also a great time for your own child to begin learning how to be a good host or hostess. Make sure they greet and say good-bye to everyone and send thank-you notes, even if they just say “Thanks.”
Surprise parties are wasted on young children, because they take away all the excitement building up to the date as well as the fun of planning.
If you have a backyard, take advantage of it (Sprinkler! Well!) because kids need lots of game room and running space. If you have a children’s party in your home be sure you put away anything that you d
on’t want broken or chewed or scratched or ripped or tortured or burned or drawn on or peed on or spit up on or permanently stained or tangled or stabbed. If you are incapable of managing more than two children, either have a grown-up friend help you or pay some teenagers to help.
I decorate for birthday parties the same way I did growing up, with crepe paper streamers coming from each corner of the room. It doesn’t matter what age group will be attending: streamers always scream “party.” Use sturdy paper plates and cups; they are the safest bet around children. They are colorful and easy to clean up.
The menu should be simple and fun. Add faces to the hamburger buns, or cookie “ears” to an ice cream scoop so the food appears as if it could come alive. If you are feeling really generous, you can make what the birthday boy/ girl requests. My brother always had my mother make him duck for his birthday, but he made the rest of us eat Spanish rice so we would envy him. I always asked my mom to make a Baked Alaska on my birthday.
NOTE: You might want to set up your attic and/or basement as a punishment area.
Menu
Ceremony Punch for Kids
Mrs. Hog’s Hot Dogs
Mr. Hog’s Slaw for Hot Dogs
Mrs. Mason’s Chili Sauce for Hot Dogs
Patty’s Hamburger Patty Baked Alaska
Optional Menu
Croque Monsieur
Poppy’s Shake-a-Leg Drumsticks
The Perfect Party Cake
MRS. HOG’S HOT DOGS
You will need: hot dogs, hot dog buns, ruffled potato chips, timer, pan of boiled water, fork or tongs, plate, ketchup, mustard.
1. Wake up.
2. Turn the stove on.
3. Get a pan, put water in and boil it.
4. Drop hot dogs in boiling water but be careful not to splash boiling water on yourself.
5. Set timer for 3 minutes.
6. Get out hot dog buns and put on a plate.
7. Jab the hot dogs with fork, or use tongs to remove from pan. Put into hot dog buns.
8. Decorate with ketchup and mustard.
CHUCK WAGON STYLE (ALL THE WAY):
Ketchup, Mustard, Mrs. Mason’s Chili Sauce for Hot Dogs, onions
MR. HOG’S SLAW FOR HOT DOGS
1 shredded head of cabbage
2 finely shredded carrots
½ a green pepper, slivered
1 cup mayonnaise
Salt and pepper
½ teaspoon sugar
¼ teaspoon dried mustard
½ tablespoon celery seed
1½ ounces vinegar
Toss the cabbage, carrots, and green pepper together. Mix remaining ingredients to make dressing and pour over cabbage. Chill. Serve with ruffled potato chips or French fries.
MRS. MASON’S CHILI SAUCE FOR HOT DOGS
1 pound or less of ground beef
2 tablespoons of chili powder
1 finely chopped onion
½ to ¾ teaspoon of garlic salt or powder
1 can of tomato paste
1 teaspoon of salt
Put enough water in pan to cover beef. Bring to boil. The color will be an unattractive gray. Don’t precook the beef. If you do, it will be larger chunks and you don’t want that for this chili. After water begins to boil, add all other ingredients. Simmer for at least a half hour or more.
BAKED ALASKA
THE ICE CREAM:
Pack an 8- or 9-inch mixing bowl or round container with your favorite ice cream and refrigerate for 8 hours or until solid. You might want to line the bowl with Saran Wrap or even foil just so when you have to remove the ice cream, it’s easier.
THE TWO SPONGE CAKES:
6 eggs
1 cup of sugar
2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract
1 cup of cake flour
1 stick of butter
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F, and grease two 9-inch baking pans. Beat the eggs and add ½ cup of sugar. Continue mixing (about 6 minutes with a mixer). Gradually add the other ½ cup of sugar and beat until the mixture looks lemony and has a ribbon texture (about 2 more minutes). Add the vanilla and fold in the cake flour. In a double boiler, melt butter and let it cool a little before folding it into the batter. Pour into the prepared pans. Bake for 35 minutes.
THE MERINGUE:
Whites of 6 large eggs
½ teaspoon cream of tartar
1 cup of sugar
Mix the 6 egg whites with ½ teaspoon cream of tartar. Beat until frothy, beating in the sugar. Beat until meringue is stiff and glossy.
TO ASSEMBLE:
Set oven at 500 degrees F. Place the cakes on a board, then on a baking sheet. Loosen the ice cream from the bowl and invert bowl over the cakes. Cover the cake and ice cream completely with meringue. Put the assembled cake into the broiler (if the broiler is on top of the oven) for 3–5 minutes or use a torch and torch it all over.
You can also use my aunt Joyce’s brownie recipe that I wasn’t supposed to give out (see page 224) to make the bottom of the Baked Alaska.
CEREMONY PUNCH FOR KIDS
Fill Punch bowl full of ginger ale. Float a carton of lime or orange sherbet on top.
POPPY’S SHAKE-A-LEG DRUMSTICKS
½ cup of flour
½ teaspoon of salt
1/8 teaspoon of pepper
½ teaspoon of paprika
2 pounds of chicken legs
1½ sticks of butter and/or shortening
Take a brown paper lunch bag (I double mine) and mix the flour and seasonings in the bag.
Take 3 or 4 drum-sticks at a time and shake them in the bag, until they are coated.
Place in a small, foil-lined pan (13 x 9½ x 2 inches) with about stick of butter, or butter mixed with vegetable shortening.
Bake at 425 degrees F for about 45 minutes.
It’s a lot of fun to shake chicken in a bag.
To prevent disputes when hosting a party for children, be sure to keep all the party favors and treat decorations the same for every child.
PATTY’S HAMBURGER PATTY
What you will need:
1 pound ground chuck
½ teaspoon Worchester-shire sauce
Salt and pepper
3 hamburger buns
Optional toppings: ketchup, mustard, relish, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and onion
Potato chips
Mixing bowl
Fork
Broiler pan
Tinfoil
Timer
Spatula
Plate
1. Wake up.
2. Put ground chuck in bowl, breaking it up with a fork.
3. Add Worcestershire sauce.
4. Add salt and pepper.
5. Form meat into three patties using your hands.
6. Wash hands and dry.
7. Get a broiler pan. Cover with tinfoil. Randomly stab some holes through the foil.
8. Place patties on pan.
9. Turn broiler on and heat patties about 3 inches from heat.
10. Set timer for 6 minutes.
11. When the timer goes off, turn patties over with a spatula.
12. Set timer for another six minutes.
13. Get hamburger buns ready on a plate.
14. Place a patty on each bun.
15. Dress with ketchup, mustard, and relish or go deluxe and add lettuce, tomato, cheese, and onion.
16. Serve with potato chips.
CROQUE MONSIEUR
You will need:
2 slices of bread
2 tablespoons of room-temperature butter
2 slices of deli-style cheese
1 slice of deli-style ham
Plate
Knife
Frying pan
Spatula
1. Wake up.
2. Place 2 slices of bread on plate.
3. Butter slices of bread on one side.
4. Place unbuttered side up.
5. Place 1 slice of cheese on top of one slice of bread.
6. Place 1 sli
ce of ham on top of cheese.
7. Place 1 slice of cheese on top of ham.
8. Place remaining slice of bread on top, buttered side up.
9. Melt 1 tablespoon of butter in frying pan on medium-high heat.
10. Turn heat down to medium.
11. Fry sandwich slowly, so that the cheese has time to melt.
12. When one side is tanned, flip over with spatula and press down.
13. Fry until golden brown.
14. Place on plate.
Serve with French fries.
Ice cream clown clowns
THE PERFECT PARTY CAKE
Make an angel food cake from a box. This is the only boxed cake I ever make because to me it tastes just like a homemade one and you don’t have to deal with egg whites. Egg whites intimidate me (for some people it’s phyllo), but either way, the best part of making an angel food cake is that you get to hang it upside down on a wine bottle for an hour, and you can still do that with a boxed angel food cake.
Take your 10-inch angel food cake and place it on a plate. Slice entire top from cake, about 1 ½ inches down. Lift off the top and put it somewhere else. Make a tunnel and scoop out the angel food cake. Now there is a wall; it will look similar to a Jell-O ring mold. Take the angel food cake that you scooped out and put it on another plate. Completely fill the cavity with either the chilled whipped filling or with an ice cream of your choice. Replace the top of cake. I like to use the cake left over from the tunnel and stuff it in the center hole. I then slather the sides and top with whipped cream.
You can include a half cup of toasted almonds to the cake cavity and then sprinkle the outside with 1/3 cup of shaved toasted almonds.
FOR FILLING:
Make whipped cream using a chilled bowl and beater.
You can dye the whipped cream and decorate it any way you want.
For chocolate whipped cream, use a chilled mixing bowl and add:
6 tablespoons cocoa
1 cup sugar
2 cups whipping cream
¼ teaspoon salt
Stir well and chill for an hour or two. Whip in chilled bowl using chilled beaters. Use for cake filling and topping.
