I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

  Children’s Games

  You’ve got fifteen to twenty children in your home and they’re getting restless. By God, you better have some activities planned or they’re gonna start making up their own games, like “rub doodoo on the couch” or “doodoo in the fish tank.” Here is a list of children’s games that are sure to entertain even the most stubborn of children.

  General Party Game Safety

  NOTE: If for any reason a child’s clothing catches fire, prevent the child from running because this adds oxygen, causing him to burn more quickly. Roll the smoldering child on the ground or in a rug. If a youngster breaks through the ice, have him kick his feet and wriggle to a solid surface. Kerosene is an accelerant: try not to mix it with an open flame unless an escape route is cleared. Stay in single file. Don’t scratch and never put that in your mouth. The eyes are the most vulnerable part of the wolf. When cornered, jab something pointy into this area.

  1. MEMORY GAME Out of the children’s view, place about twenty items on a table and cover the items with a blanket. Now, divide the children into two teams. In the presence of both teams, uncover the items for one minute and then cover them again. Now send the teams off to separate rooms. Adults should act as the secretary. Have the kids try to name as many of the objects as they can remember. Whichever team remembers the most wins.

  2. MEMORY GAME II Have the children sit in a room together. Ask a neighbor to enter the room and let the kids take a good look without informing the kids that they will later be asked to describe him. Now, after about three minutes, tell your neighbor to leave and have the kids attempt to remember details about your neighbor. Not only is this fun and helpful for honing detective skills, but if your neighbor does become involved in anything unsavory, you now have twenty youthful witnesses who can describe him.

  3. PLAY GROWN-UP Have a cocktail party. Make fake liquor using food coloring. For example, use yellow for scotch, green for crème de menthe. Pretend French fries with the tips dipped in ketchup are lit cigarettes. Have children simulate spousal abuse by arguing and, as this escalates, slapping each other. Use Tic Tacs to spit out of the mouth as if they were teeth. Use red Tic Tacs if you want to pretend they are bloody teeth. If there is an infant in the house, it’s always fun to play Social Services. Have one child pretend he is going to take the baby away from another child. The pretend “mother” can fight for custody. You can always substitute a real baby with a fake baby by wrapping something baby-like in a towel. Have a child pretend he is walking in on his wife and catching her having an affair with another person.

  4. GYPSY Blindfold all the children and then drive them across town. Drop them off in a place they have never been before. Remove their blindfolds and drive away. Their goal is to make it back home.

  5. JR. ASTRONOMER Have the children lie in a neighbor’s driveway and look up at the stars.

  6. JR. U.N. AMBASSADOR Teach the kids how to say hello in different languages.

  7. JR. CAT BURGLAR Lock the kids out of the house and see if they can break in.

  8. JR. VACUUM SALESMAN Have the children take turns dumping things on the floor, and then demonstrating how they would clean it up.

  9. TRAIN ROBBERY Make a pretend train car by setting up chairs in a line. Now have some of the children act as train passengers. Have the rest of the children pretend they are Indians and rob the passengers. If one of the “passengers” is a blond girl, encourage the “Indians” to kidnap her in hopes of making her their savage bride.

  10. BUSKING Drive the party to the airport and have them entertain travelers for small change.

  11. HILLBILLY HIJINX Toss a greased watermelon into the pool and have the kids try to grab for it. If you don’t have a pool, use a tub.

  12. P.O.W. Confine some of the children and give them a secret. Now have some of the other children escort the confined children one by one into another room. Once secured, the “guard” children will attempt to get the “prisoner” children to tell their secrets through coercive means.

  13. WIGGLE WORM Have the children take turns being a worm. One child gets in bed and another makes the sound of a phone ringing. They then try to make it to the phone to answer it by dragging themselves across the room. The goal is to make it to the phone before it stops ringing. A variation on this theme is to pretend someone is breaking in and the child playing the worm has to make it to the phone in time to call for help.

  14. WISHING WELL Make your friends use their pocket change. Turn your bathtub into a wishing well and let them try to earn their money back.

  15. BEAUTY PARLOR Do each other’s makeup and hair and talk about your problems.

  16. BEAUTY CONTEST Pick up some old clothes, bathing suits, hats, and jewelry from a thrift store. Create a catwalk and have all the children dress up and play Beauty Contest. Videotape it and critique each other afterwards. Make a winning sash out of toilet paper.

  17. I WANT TO SEE, I WANT TO SEE Blindfold someone and do some sort of activity in the room. Un-blindfold him and see if they can guess what you did.

  18. THE GREASY BAG GAME Pass a greasy bag around and act out different scenarios. This is especially good for all ages. “Dr. Fleischacker— don’t forget your lunch.”

  Several of the games listed here are also fun for children with a disability or handicap—no need to eliminate these children from your party guest list. If they are blind, invite them to your house a day early to familiarize themselves with the layout of your house. If they are deaf use bright, vibrant colors and play games that aren’t hard to explain. You might want to invite another child with the same misfortune so they don’t feel alone. I would imagine planning activities would be challenging but in a fun way.

  Suggestions

  Organize coloring books and crayons using your dish drainer.

  If you place a tight rubber band around a glass, your child will be able to hold on to it better and this will eliminate drink spills.

  The more colorful clothes your child wears, the easier for you to find them in a crowd.

  Buy a book on stain removals.

  Montgomery’s Disguise Kit

  Hello to you! My name is Montgomery and I am a worm of many disguises. Sometimes I find myself in a tough situation that I need to wiggle out of. Whether it’s avoiding being dangled from the end of a fishing pole or being dropped to the bottom of a tequila bottle, I do a lot of squirming around. That’s why I have put together my disguise kit, because a lot of times it’s safer not to be me. Now get a wiggle on!

  This kit includes bald cap, icky teeth, Coke bottle glasses, mustache, eyebrows, mole (with hair), eye patch, nicotine stain, rubber cement for scars, scabs, cork and matches (for hobo), fingernails, yellow paint (for Oriental), red paint (for Indian chief), Chap Stick (if you suck the lid onto your upper lip, it looks like you have a bucktooth).

  Also includes: steel wool for a beard, vacuum cleaner hose to make antennas, and charcoal tablets to give the illusion you don’t have a tooth in your head, like me, Montgomery.

  Opening Night

  The show has just let out and a small troop of thespians is headed to your home for an encore, only now it’s your opening night and being a hostess is just like being the star of your own sold-out show. If you’ve prepared correctly you can expect rave reviews! A must-see! An extended smash hit! Make sure to have the affair scripted, leaving some room to improvise. Don’t be up-staged by surprises, and you’ll be guaranteed to have no walkouts for this performance. Take this opportunity to cast some of your guests as backstage helpers—although the program consists of do-ahead dishes served at room temperature, you can always use an extra hand behind the curtain.

  The guests have arrived and it’s time to seat the house. Curtain. Appetizers to half, appetizers go! Fade on appetizers. Cocktails go. Someone asks for a “Rum Punch Dazzler.” Line!? Cue main course. Main course, go! Don’t rush it . . . This isn’t a speed-through. Relax, just like you’ve rehearsed! Cue ambient music. Lights to half. Settle into tabl
eau. Fade up on small talk. Fade out on general laughter. Strike dishes. Wait for applause. Bow. Encore! Coconut cream pie! General conversation, ad-lib. Fade out music. Strike dessert plates. House to full. And curtain!

  Suggestions

  • Ask someone to play meat carver.

  • It’s always good to keep some nonalcoholic beer in your refrigerator in case someone is on penicillin or in the program or has been banned from drinking at your parties (see “Alcoholics,” page 86).

  • Stock your neighbor’s apartment with basics (alcohol, ice, corn chips . . .) so when you run out at three in the morning you know whose door to knock on.

  Menu for this Evening’s Performance:

  STARRING:

  Spiral Cut Ham

  THE ANTAGONIST:

  Macaroni and Cheese

  Baked Beans

  Potato Salad

  TONIGHT’S UNDERSTUDY:

  Beef Tenderloin

  Thumbnail Review

  Crab Balls and Stuffed Mushrooms were scene-stealers. Good in a supporting roll: the biscuits. Nice turn as foreign dignitary: the Dijon mustard and horseradish mayonnaise. The debut of the heavyset cheese ball was surprisingly crowd-pleasing.

  Award-winning Desserts

  Coconut Cream Pie

  Gingersnaps

  Assorted Chocolates

  Coffee and Tea

  Notes on the Night’s Performance

  Normally, in a situation where seventeen people are coming over to my house late evening, I would plan a menu similar to the one I prepare for brunch, which consists mostly of do-ahead dishes served at room temperature. But because I was lucky enough to manipulate the help of a good friend, my do-ahead dishes were done-ahead while I was at the theater. This meant a meal that could be served warm as the guests arrived and that didn’t rely on a knife to eat.

  I personally wouldn’t have chosen this menu because it required a lot of attention as far as keeping the food warm and fresh and because I needed a lot of help. But then this is also what I liked about it; it was different for me. Also, because this was an evening performance the menu might have been a little heavy in the cheesy sense. But it worked to our advantage because we were up all night waiting for the reviews of the show that we had just come from and my guests had performed in. This meant plenty of awake time, giving all that cheese ample time to move through the system.

  COCONUT CREAM PIE

  You need a 9-inch prebaked pie shell (that has been pricked) for this, and you won’t want to fi ll it with the pie fi lling too soon because it can become soggy by the time you are ready to serve it.

  ½ cup of sugar

  ½ cup of flour

  1 teaspoon of salt

  3 cups of milk

  3 slightly beaten egg yolks

  2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

  2 tablespoons of unsalted butter ½ cup of shredded coconut

  Whipped cream

  Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

  In a saucepan, combine the sugar, flour, and salt. Add the milk and stir on a low heat, until it becomes thick. Add in the egg yolks, stirring for another 2 minutes. Take saucepan off the burner and add the vanilla, butter, and coconut. I let the custard cool and transfer it to the refrigerator.

  When the pie is ready to be served, I pour the filling into the shell and slather a generous amount of whipped cream all over the top. Then I toast some coconut by browning it in a pan on the stove and tossing it around using my fingers until it’s toasted. Sprinkle the coconut on top. If I need to hold off on serving the pie for a while and need to cover it, I insert about four or five long raw spaghetti strands in the whipped cream to prevent the Saran Wrap from touching and ruining the look of the pie (see picture).

  For Banana Coconut Cream Pie, add two peeled bananas, sliced, to the bottom of the pie shell before adding the cream fi lling, or before you add the whipped cream topping.

  For Chocolate Coconut Cream Pie, all you have to do is melt 2 ounces unsweetened chocolate and add it to the milk before mixing it with the sugar and flour mixture.

  You can make any of these pies without coconut—just leave it out.

  This recipe was originally know as “The NutSnacker,” by Kraft.

  THE HEAVYSET CHEESE BALL

  1¼ cups of whole natural almonds

  1 8-ounce package of cream cheese

  ½ cup of real mayonnaise

  5 crispy cooked bacon slices, crumbled

  ½ teaspoon of dill weed teaspoon of pepper

  1 tablespoon of green onion, chopped

  Preheat oven to 300 degrees F. Place and spread all the almonds on a cookie sheet or in a shallow pan, pushing the almonds around until they turn color, about 20 minutes.

  Mix together the cream cheese and the mayonnaise. Add the bacon, pepper, dill, and onion. Chill overnight.

  On a serving platter, make two pinecone shapes with the cheese. Begin to press the almonds at a slight angle into the cheese, starting at the narrow end of the pinecone shape.

  Do this in rows, continuing to overlap rows until all the cheese is covered. Garnish with fake pine sprigs, or real ones, or with rosemary. Serve at room temperature and spread on a Ritz.

  MACARONI AND CHEESE

  1 box elbow macaroni

  1 stick butter

  1 cup grated smoked Gouda

  1 cup grated white Monterey Jack cheese

  2 cups grated mild yellow Cheddar cheese

  ½ cup grated Parmesan cheese

  1 cup heavy cream

  ¼ cup milk

  Salt and pepper to taste

  TOPPING:

  ½ cup grated Parmesan cheese 1 cup breadcrumbs

  2 tablespoons chopped parsley

  Salt and pepper to taste

  8 thin pats of butter to go on top

  Boil macaroni in salted water to al dente. While you are waiting for it to boil, melt together butter, cheeses, cream, milk, and salt and pepper.

  Drain macaroni and put back into the pot. When cheese mixture is melted and smooth, pour over macaroni and mix well. Add to a 2-quart casserole dish. For topping, mix together Parmesan cheese, breadcrumbs, parsley, salt and pepper, and sprinkle on top of macaroni and cheese. Top with pats of butter. Bake at 425 degrees F for 20–25 minutes or until browned on top. One should be forewarned: this is a very rich dish. Not appropriate for diners with heart problems, the elderly, or breast-feeding mothers.

  Courtesy of Jennifer McCullen.

  STUFFED MUSHROOMS

  36 baby portabella mushrooms, destemmed (save stems and chop finely)

  4 scallions, chopped

  1 pound Italian sausage

  1 cup breadcrumbs, seasoned

  cup mayonnaise

  ½ cup Parmesan cheese

  With a little butter, sauté stems and scallions. Add sausage and brown. Drain off fat and add ½ cup of breadcrumbs and mayonnaise. Mix well and stuff mushroom caps. Place caps in baking dish. Mix remaining breadcrumbs with Parmesan cheese and sprinkle on top of stuffed mushrooms. Bake 10–15 minutes at 450 degrees F, or until tops are browned.

  CRAB BALLS

  3 pounds fresh crabmeat, flaked (back fin crabmeat is best)

  24 saltine crackers, crushed

  3 eggs, lightly beaten

  3 tablespoons mustard (whole grain)

  3 tablespoons mayonnaise

  2 red bell peppers, finely chopped

  1 bunch fresh parsley, finely chopped

  Salt and freshly cracked pepper, to taste

  Butter or olive oil, for browning

  Mix all ingredients together. Shape into bite-size balls and sauté in hot butter or olive oil until golden brown, making sure to rotate. Serve with lemon wedges.

  BRENDA THOMAS’S BAKED BEANS

  Fry up some bacon and crumble it. Drain a lot of the grease, but save some for sautéing onions. Sauté 1 onion in remaining bacon grease. Add 1 big can of beans—not that big, big can, but you know, the bigger can. Add some mustard, and a splash of Worcestershire sauce
. Add brown sugar. Simmer, then stir in the crumbled bacon. Optional: Cut-up hot dogs can be added.

  GREEN BEANS WITH TOASTED ALMONDS

  3 pounds fresh green beans

  1 16-ounce package of sliced almonds

  3 cloves garlic, crushed Extra-virgin olive oil

  Salt and pepper

  Blanch and shock green beans and set aside. Place almond slices on sheet tray. Toast in oven at 450°F, until the nuts are toasty brown. Sauté the garlic in olive oil. When it starts to brown, add beans in small batches to the oil, and sauté. Serve beans in a bowl, layering them with toasted almonds. Add salt and pepper to taste.

  GERMAN POTATO SALAD

  15 red bliss potatoes

  Salt and freshly cracked pepper, to taste

  15 slices bacon, thickly cut (I recommend applewood smoked bacon), cubed

  2 cloves garlic, crushed

  2 onions, julienned

  3 tablespoons flour

  1-½ cup water

  1-½ cup white vinegar

  2 tablespoons sugar

  Fresh parsley or dill

  Boil potatoes with skin on. When tender, drain, peel, and slice. Season with some salt and pepper and set aside. Fry bacon until crisp. Remove bacon from pan and add to potatoes. Reserving bacon fat, add garlic and onion and sauté. When onions are translucent, add flour. When flour starts to brown and smell nutty, add water, vinegar, sugar, salt and pepper. When mixture starts to bubble, remove from heat and pour over potatoes and bacon, mixing well. Serve with a garnish of fresh parsley, dill, or freshly cracked pepper.

  CREAM BISCUITS—SAVORY

  3 cups flour

  3¾ teaspoons baking powder

  1½ teaspoon salt

  1 cup heavy cream

  Coarse salt

  Mix all dry ingredients in a bowl, except the coarse salt. Add heavy cream. Using wooden spoon or spatula, pull together until it tightens. Transfer to a well-floured surface. Form into a large ball and press out with heel of your hand until it is ¾ inch thick. Using a 2-inch round cutter, stamp out biscuits and put them on baking sheet. Form remaining dough into a ball and continue to repeat until all dough is used. Moisten tops of biscuits with some heavy cream and sprinkle with coarse salt. Bake at 450 degrees F, 10–15 minutes or until golden brown on top.