by Amy Sedaris
Courtesy of Daddy Mac’s.
If you write someone a fan letter and request an autographed picture, you should include a self-addressed envelope. And once you have heard from this person there really is no need to write them back unless you were asked to.
Backstage Etiquette Suggestions
Most people know the basic rules of etiquette when attending a play—arrive on time, no candy wrappers. As far as backstage etiquette goes, most people seem to be a little murky on what sort behavior is appropriate. Be positive with opinions of the performance, even though no matter what you say to an actor he is not going to believe you. Actors are the most insecure people on earth, next to battered housewives. They become upset if you don’t stay after the performance to praise them, but get upset if you inconvenience them by coming into their dressing room to offer them praise while they are still trying to get out of their ham costume. I always try to find something positive to say to an actor after a performance, but I don’t say something like: “You looked so good on stage,” or “I can’t believe you have to do this four times a day,” or “How did you learn all those lines?” The biggest mistake you can make when talking to an actor after a performance is praising another cast member. Trust me, they don’t want to hear it. The truth is, going backstage is always awkward. I prefer to send a note off the next day or to wait and call them so we can talk about every detail of the show. If the ham in the show is your friend, let them know you won’t be staying afterward, because they will assume you hated their performance if you just leave. When exiting the theater, don’t talk about the show until you are a good distance away. You don’t want to be overheard saying something that might hurt a thespian’s feelings; you never know who’s listening and how they are related to that ham in the play.
Interesting Information
It is best not to whistle backstage because the stage-hands use a whistle as a cue to drop heavy sets on stage, or lift sets using sandbags as a counterweight. So if you whistle backstage and are standing in the wrong place, there is a good chance of getting a five ton set or a sandbag dropped on your head. Better yet, if you don’t really have anything nice to say when going backstage, maybe you should whistle.
Bailiwick Gingersnaps
Grieving
“We were in the bathtub and I felt a cyst on his good testicle. I insisted on taking him to the hospital even though he protested, saying it was nothing. After a thorough exam it turned out he was right, it was nothing. On the way home he was murdered.
“I’m not allowed to talk about the case but I can say this: had I not forced him to go to the hospital he’d still be alive today.”
I am sure we all have heard stories like this before. Tragic tales that could make even the most coldhearted wail. There is no bigger hospitality challenge than entertaining for the grieving. They are just so sad. One must take a practical approach. When all is said and done, entertaining for the grieving is really not much different from normal entertaining except for all the sobbing.
Often tragedy occurs suddenly, which doesn’t give the host much lead time to prepare. On these occasions I think potluck is the way to go.
Most people want to contribute when someone else is grieving, but often they are unsure of what to do. I know when I hear the words, “It was a freak accident,” I immediately think “I need to roast a chicken.” I always encourage guests to contribute food for the table and try to subtly orchestrate the menu because I wouldn’t want 12 people all showing up with 4-alarm chili, especially if the guest of honor is having trouble keeping food down.
Once the food has arrived, I display it in a way so people can help themselves: it’s all about the flow of the table.
It is also a good idea to have a wide assortment of alcohol on hand. Drinking kills feelings. Make sure that you crack the seal on all the liquor bottles ahead of time because mourners don’t want to feel inhibited about diving in.
I always like to keep what I call a grieving kit tucked away in my closet for these occasions. It’s like a first-aid kit for the brain.
When one is in the company of the grieving, one must be considerate of the words we choose. So often we want to say something comforting to the grieving, but are stuck for something to say.
THE GRIEVING KIT
It’s a thoughtful idea to personalize a handkerchief for the grieving person. So if the name is Jocelyn Ellen Wortis, a nice hand-stitched “J.E.W.” on a hanky would be so touching.
Alprazolam
An assortment of handkerchiefs
A laminated picture of a religious figure or icon Candles
A mix tape of sad songs A tuft of hair from the deceased
Extra alprazolam
Appropriate Things to Say
My sympathy to you.
He will be missed.
He had a lot of friends.
At least they didn’t suffer too much.
She lived a good life.
Be careful what you wish for.
Inappropriate Things to Say
He’s better off now.
You’ll meet someone new, speaking of which, I know this guy who works at the Wax and Wicker. He’s got a green card!
Only the good die young.
I know exactly what you are going through, I mean, I didn’t lose my husband to a boating accident, but I can imagine.
Give it 3 weeks, you shouldn’t grieve more than that.
Was he drinking?
Where were you when
this happened?
He told me you two split up.
Did she smoke?
He had a secret life.
A Living Will
Everyone should have a living will. You can pick one up at the post office for peanuts and it’s good because all your belongings will go to someone specific instead of going to a holding area for a few years.
If you are grieving, have someone stay at your house while you are at the funeral parlor because crooks will comb the obituaries to see who has died and break into your home to steal things. The last thing I want to do is add any more stress to someone who is grieving, but you should know you are a ripe target.
If there is something someone has given you and you don’t like it, get rid of it while they are still alive. Otherwise, if you don’t, then you will only be hanging on to it out of guilt, and clutter piles up. Also, it just encourages them give to give you more of the same.
LOIS’S HOT CHICKEN SALAD
2 cups celery, chopped
2 cups cooked chicken, diced
½ cup silvered almonds
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons lemon juice
2 teaspoons onion juice
1 cup mayonnaise
1 can cream of mushroom soup (undiluted) 2 cups potato chips, crushed
Pour boiling water over celery. Let set for 15 minutes and drain. Mix all ingredients together except potato chips. Place in casserole. Top with potato chips. Bake at 450 degrees F for 15 minutes. Courtesy of Billy Erb.
MICHAEL’S KEY LIME PIE
1 can sweetened condensed milk 2/3 cup key lime juice
2 egg yolks
1 premade pie shell
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
2. Whisk milk, lime juice, and eggs until well blended.
3. Pour mixture into pie shell.
4. Bake 10–15 minutes.
5. Cool in refrigerator at least 2 hours. Courtesy of Michael Ingulli.
PAUL’S ZUCCHINI FRITTERS
I don’t use a measuring cup when I make zucchini fritters although I probably should. I suppose I like the crapshoot quality of cooking without specific measurements. It’s exciting. Although, there is some safe ground, because whenever a recipe calls for breading and then frying in olive oil, it’s hard to go wrong. Here is generally what you will need:
1 zucchini
More flour than you think you’ll use 1 to 3 eggs
Salt and pepper
1 onion, chopped
&nb
sp; A little parsley, chopped
¼ pound of feta cheese
Garlic, sliced
The first step is to grate the zucchini, and then place it in a strainer. It’s important to get as much water out of the shredded vegetable as possible. It helps to salt it, then place a heavy lid or bowl on top of it and press down. When you think you’ve got all the water out, keep pressing because I can tell you, you haven’t. Now, in another bowl mix the flour, egg or eggs, salt and pepper, onion, parsley, feta, and garlic. Your goal here is make a light batter. Add more flour if it seems watery, or another egg if it’s not binding. Place the drained zucchini into the batter and mix with your hands.
You are really going to have to get in there. Coat the bottom of a skillet in olive oil. Heat it up. For best results, make sure it is good and hot before adding fritters. Scoop a fistful of mixture from the bowl. Shape it into a small patty and place in skillet. Makes approximately 20 to 40 fritters. No one can really say for sure.
Courtesy of Paul Dinello.
SISTER’S OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD POTATO SALAD
2 pounds boiled potatoes
1 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons white wine vinegar, or fresh lemon juice
(I prefer cider vinegar)
3 hard-cooked eggs, chopped
½ cup sweet red pepper, finely chopped
½ cup white or yellow onion, minced
½ cup bread and butter pickles, finely chopped
3 tablespoons fresh parsley, minced
Salt and black pepper
Crisp, fried bacon, crumbled for garnish, optional
Sweet red or gold pepper, cut into shapes (I like stars), optional
Wash the potatoes under running cold water, scrubbing well to remove soil. Fill a pot with enough water to cover the potatoes by 2 inches and boil. The preparation of the potatoes is time consuming, so it’s good to start this first and, while the potatoes are cooking, get on with your prep work. When water is boiling, add the potatoes and cook until tender when pierced, about 25–30 minutes. Do NOT overcook.
Drain. As soon as the potatoes are cool enough to handle, peel them, cut into cubes of uniform size and place in a bowl (I like them about 1½ inches or chunky bite size).
In a separate bowl, whisk or stir together the mayonnaise, mustard, and vinegar or lemon juice. GENTLY toss enough of the dressing into the potatoes to cover completely. Stir in the eggs, chopped sweet pepper, onion, pickles, and parsley. I usually add 1 teaspoon of salt to start. If it’s too salty, it’s not good. If it’s not salty enough, it’s terrible. I tend to go light on the black pepper.
Your choice.
Serve the salad at room temperature or slightly chilled. Just before serving, garnish with bacon and red pepper cutouts.
Courtesy of Alan Mace.
JENNIFER’S ARTICHOKES AU GRATIN
20 ounces frozen artichokes, cooked and drained 2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
½ cup half-and-half
1 chicken bouillon cube dissolved in ½ cup boiling water
1 tablespoon dry sherry
½ cup Gruyère cheese, grated
Salt and pepper to taste
½ cup Parmesan cheese, grated
Place artichokes in a well-greased 1½ quart baking dish.
In case you don’t know: Make the white sauce by melting the butter in a saucepan. Add the flour and stir until it forms a paste. Add the half-and-half, chicken broth, and sherry.
Stir this until it thickens, then add the Gruyère cheese, salt and pepper. Melt cheese and pour over artichokes. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese and bake at 350 degrees F for 15 minutes. Serves 8.
Courtesy of Jennifer McCullen.
GINA’S HOT NUTS
1 pound cashews
1 pound almonds
1 pound pistachios
1 pound filberts (or substitute with a holiday nut; no peanuts) ½ pound butter (softened)
2 large sprigs of rosemary without stem, pieced
Pinch of cayenne (add more if you want the nuts extra spicy) 1½ cups brown sugar
1 cup candied ginger (cut into very small cubes)
Salt to taste
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Bake nuts for 10–12 minutes until golden. Do not brown. In a bowl, cut up butter and add remaining ingredients. Add the hot nuts to the bowl and toss frantically. As butter melts add more sugar or other dry ingredients to taste. Let cool on a baking sheet until sugar hardens onto nut. Courtesy of Gina Vetro.
AMY’S TURKEY AND GRAVE-Y
Roast a turkey until the internal thermometer pops out. Remove the turkey from the pan and set aside. (Follow any recipe you would like for roasting a turkey.)
To make the gravy, pour off all but 8 tablespoons of fat from the turkey pan. Add about cup of flour and cook for about 3 minutes. Add 3 cups of turkey broth (recipe below), ¼ cup of red or white wine and cook, stirring and scraping in the brown bits that are clinging to the pan. The gravy should now look thick and smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste.
TURKEY BROTH:
To make turkey broth, put 4 cups of water in a pan and add all the turkey’s insides that come in that little bag that is inserted in the cavity: the heart, gizzard, neck, and wing tips.
Put 1 carrot and 1 onion in the pot as well as some celery tops, parsley, salt, and pepper. Simmer while your turkey is roasting; just keep your eye on it and add more water when you need to. Strain the broth and use it when you are making the Grave-y, above.
VICKI’S PICKLED BEETS
Boil 5 pounds whole beets until done. Peel and slice into hot sterilized jars. Bring to a boil:
2 cups of cider vinegar 1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
Salt and pepper to taste
Pour mixture over sliced beets and seal jars. Courtesy of Vicki Farrell.
MARK’S BLOODY MARY MIX
1 teaspoon horseradish
1 teaspoon lemon juice
2 squirts Worcestershire sauce 1 shake celery salt
1 pinch black pepper
3 drops Tabasco sauce
4 ounces tomato juice
Combine all ingredients and garnish with a celery stalk.
Courtesy of Mark Ibold.
Ladies’ Night
Shhhhhhh. Put your head back and shut your eyes. It’s okay, don’t be afraid, although this will sting a little. Imagine a beautiful outdoor water park with jet sprays spurting onto a slide. Shhhhh. Let all that luggage go. Leave it at the door. It’s not invited here. Relax . . . calm, calm, hold still, fight it, fight it . . .
Hello, I’m Amy Sedaris and welcome to my Night of Beauty, an evening of tossed salad, Spa-ghetti, light drinks, and dry exfoliating. “Tossed,” “light,” and “dry” are the key words here. This sofa will act as my clinic: I call it Patina. That’s me with the low cut uniform and pantyhose. Can you smell all that perfume? Excuse me if I get my ample bosom in your face while I take a closer look. Oh my, we’ve got our work cut out for us, don’t we? Let’s get those shoes and pants off. Why don’t you fill out this index card so I’ll have all your information on file, while we discuss the major pitfalls of your face. Excessive sebum, check. Pockmarks, noted. Sun damage and freckles, you betcha. And then there is that growth . . . hmmm. Why don’t you relax while I first fix you a drink—a large glass of warm water and a slice of lemon to help you detoxify before I retire to my lair to assemble the right mixture of creams, lotions, emollients, and perhaps a lancing tool, so that we can tackle your . . . situation. While I’m gone, don’t forget to fill out the back of the card as well, especially the part about dating status, including the last time you had relations. It matters.
Menu
Steak Diane or Yogurt Spa-ghetti
Green Goddess Salad
Lady Baltimore Cake
Lady Slipper
YOGURT SPA-GHETTI
(Inspired by the book The Glorious Foods of Greece by Diane Kochilas)
&nbs
p; 5 large Vidalia onions, coarsely chopped to about the size of a postage stamp
6 tablespoons olive oil
1 pound spaghetti
2 cups Greek yogurt (thick)
1 cup coarsely grated sharp cheese, preferably Kefalotiri ½ cup roasted pine nuts
Fistful chopped parsley
Sauté the onions in oil on medium to low heat for about a half hour, until onions are brown (caramelized). Leave them in the pan. Then boil spaghetti in salted water. Drain pasta, saving a half cup of pasta water. Mix
yogurt and pasta water in a bowl, then add half the cheese and all the caramelized onions and roasted pine nuts. Toss all ingredients well. Top with remaining cheese and parsley.
I’m back. I hope I wasn’t gone too long. You’re not my only customer. Why don’t I change your drink to something more liquory? Is the music too loud? I hope you like it: I call it ambient environmental music. I have a bootleg copy for sale. I’ll give you a street price.
Let’s get back to your face. No time to lose. It’s time for CEP: cleanse, exfoliate, purge. Bye-bye blackheads, hello red welts. Next, I’ll apply a mask. I bet that feels good the way I’m rubbing on the mud and massaging your face. Good, completely coated. Now I’ll place two chamomile tea bags on your eyes to rejuvenate the sockets. I’ll set a timer. Generally you want to give a mask ten to twenty minutes to dry as it absorbs the many toxins from the skin and soothes it from the violent purging. For you, we’re gonna go forty-five.
It’s me again. I couldn’t tell if you were dozing or the liquor was kicking in. Just to hedge our bets, let me fill your glass again. I’m applying warm water to your mask, which will soften and then remove all that chalky residue. What we’ll be left with is squeaky clean skin and of course that growth. Next I will be spraying your face with homemade grapeseed water. This does nothing, but it’s included in the cost.
