by Amy Sedaris
It’s lotion time. I will now apply a special roux of moisturizing crème that will hopefully reverse the severe drying effects of that mask. Let’s just get this slathered on good and thick. There you go. Now, we’ll just pat you down with a tissue to sop up some of that excess moisture. I always use cotton balls because tissue leaves embedded fibers in your skin. There you go, perfect. Now you have about the same amount of grease as when you walked in. I’m gonna go wash up and clear my roll cart and return with a fresh salad and some other healthy delights. While you are eating, I will fill out an evaluation slip and suggest purchasing some of the products I used on your face, which are for sale at street prices. Tell you what I’m going to do: I’m going to put you on something that I want you to take three times a day and it’s going to make you feel better about yourself and where you’re going in life. I don’t do “happy endings,” but I can recommend a guy who does—he works at the Wax and Wicker and he has his green card. Here’s his number.
Here also is a brochure detailing some other services I provide: hair washing, waxing, foot massage. You might want to consider returning for Group Beauty Night, also known as Ladies’ Lockup. Some of the events will include breast and pelvic exams on the house as well as tube tying, hair removal, and genital cleansing. You can also expect a full menu. Oh, and lastly, on the way out don’t be afraid to become intimately acquainted with my tip jar.
Crabs
Crabs are light brown, small, and flat. They need your blood to survive. Crabs live in the hair of your armpits, chest, eyebrows, and eyelashes. For more information go to your local library. Drawing by Kabuki.
GREEN GODDESS SALAD DRESSING
1 tablespoon of lemon juice
1 cup of mayonnaise
½ cup of sour cream or heavy cream 2 tablespoons of tarragon vinegar
2 tablespoons of garlic vinegar
1 tablespoon of anchovy paste cup of chopped parsley
¼ cup of chopped green onions
Add lemon juice to creams, then mix everything else in. Serve chilled over endives or any other lettuce, asparagus, or broccoli.
STEAK DIANE (FOR 4)
1 pound of thinly sliced filet mignon
3 tablespoons of butter
1 tablespoon of parsley
1 tablespoon of chives
2 teaspoons of Worcestershire sauce 2 teaspoons of A.1. Steak Sauce
Brown the meat on both sides. Remove to a platter. Add remaining ingredients to the pan and stir until well blended. Pour over steaks.
CAT TOY
Put googly eyes on a tampon with no applicator. Magic marker the tail. Drive your puss-puss crrrrrazy.
LADY BALTIMORE CAKE
¾ cup shortening
1 cup plus 3/8 cup sugar
6 large egg whites
3 cups cake fl our
4 teaspoons baking powder Salt
1-1/3 cup milk
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
Cream shortening with 1 cup sugar. Whip egg whites and gradually add the 3/8 cup sugar. Sift dry ingredients together. Add dry ingredients to creamed ingredients, alternating with milk and vanilla. Fold in whites at the end. Bake in two greased and lined 8-inch cake tins at 375 degrees F for 25 minutes.
FROSTING (DIFFICULT):
2 cups of sugar
Water (a little over ½ cup)
4 egg whites
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
Cook sugar and water to soft ball stage (falls from spoon in thin backlashing thread).
Add a pinch of salt to egg whites and beat until stiff. Pour in syrup in a stream, beating continuously until spreading consistency.
Add to half of frosting:
½ cup raisins (snipped and soaked in a little liquor) ½ cup chopped walnuts
½ cup chopped fi gs
HAVE FUN.
Courtesy of Hugh Hamrick.
LADY SLIPPER
In a pitcher, combine some vodka, pink lemonade, and a little cranberry juice (optional: splash of maraschino cherry syrup). Stir and pour straight up in small glasses or on the rocks. Garnish with a lime and a loose cherry.
SUGGESTION
Calorie-free soda adds sparkle to iced fruit juices. Not only does it make them go further, it also reduces calories for those ladies who are watching their figures when no one else is.
Another good activity for Ladies’ Night would be to have an accessory swap.
FRÄULEIN MAGIC
¼ ounce of Egyptian musk oil 13 drops of lavender oil
1 drop of jasmine oil
Rub oil on your pulse points.
Courtesy of Nicki Lederman.
Bloodstains, Ladies?
Use a bar of soap and wash garment under cold water or, if the stain has dried, use some hydrogen peroxide. If they are old stains, go shopping.
How To:
If one were to take a close, almost clinical look at your vagina, what would they find? Would they be impressed? If it’s well maintained, chances are better than average that the answer will be a resounding yes. What is the best way to maintain a vagina? Believe it or not, it’s as simple as warm water and a little elbow grease. There is no need to bother with douche or deodorants. Start by separating the outer lips of the vagina and tugging back the hood of the clitoris exposing all those unpleasant secretions that collect around the glands. Next, a liberal dose of clean warm water teamed with a spirited scrubbing, taking care to work the folds, and the results will speak for themselves. Our body secretions and smells are an unfortunate part of our bodies, but if you wash regularly, you will smell and taste good. Trust me, or better yet, ask my doorman.
Witchy-Poo Poof Products
THE RIPE BANANA MASK
Enriching mask with banana and almond oil.
1 ripe banana
2 tablespoons of rosewater 1 egg yolk
1 tablespoon of almond oil 1 to 2 tablespoons flour
In a blender or food processor, combine all the ingredients except for the flour. Add the flour in small increments until the mask forms a smooth paste.
On clean skin, apply the mask to face and neck, avoiding the eyes. Leave on for 20 minutes and remove with warm water.
• Can be used up to 3 times a week.
• Banana helps skin find its pH balance.
Courtesy of Antonia Xereas.
WITCHY-POO LOVE POTION
Essential Oil Essentials:
Musk oil Chocolate oil Patchouli oil Almond oil
Clean out old perfume vial or buy some from a beauty supply store.
For a vial: 2 parts musk, 1 part chocolate, ½ part almond, ½ part patchouli.
MUST SHAKE WELL BEFORE EACH USE. Another option is to keep all 4 essential oils separate. Just create whatever stimulates your own senses on any given day, for if you feel sexy, no one can resist you. It’s a good idea to keep musk as the base note. Mix the drops on the back of your hand and then apply to neck and cleavage.
Apply Witchy-Poo when you know you will be seeing the one you lust after.
Courtesy of Callie Thorne.
WITCHY-POO’S DETOXIFYING SALT SCRUB
Use any kind of jar that is easy to scoop your hand into. Always use scrub before shaving; the exfoliation and oils will prove for a closer shave. Avoid rubbing the scrub on any cuts or scrapes, the salt will only irritate or burn them.
Ingredients:
Plain old table salt
Jojoba oil or safflower oil or apricot oil (In a pinch you can even use olive oil or vegetable oil. But never use mineral oil; it will clog your pores and dry out your skin.)
15 to 20 drops of your favorite essential oil
You want to create a consistency that is not too thick yet not too thin. Essentially this means 1 part oil to 2 parts salt. Start low with the essential oil and add more depending on how long you want the scent to last after the shower or bath.
In the shower, scrub from neck to toe to relax your muscles and to detoxify your skin. Rinse the salt thoroughly and then let the oil
deeply moisturize with the heat of the shower.
For the bath, use the scrub while standing (before you get wet), then dunk in the tub and let the salt dissolve in the water while the oil moisturizes. HINT (ONLY FOR SHOWER):
If you want to invigorate the skin and lessen the look of cellulite, mix 2 parts ground coffee with 1 part oil, and scrub away. Courtesy of Callie Thorne.
WITCHY-POO’S EGGY MASK FOR DRY SKIN
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp. olive oil
1 tbsp. whole milk 3 pinches salt
1 tbsp. flour
Mix up the wet ingredients until well blended. Then stir in the dry ingredients. The mixture needs to be wet, but thick enough to stay on your face. If it’s too thin add more flour. If it’s too dry add a little more milk.
Once you have found a good consistency, spread over clean face and neck. Leave on for 15 minutes, then rinse with warm water. Follow with your favorite moisturizer.
HINT: Add a few drops of lavender oil to tone.
To keep color on your lips when your lipstick wears off, you can stain them first using a cherry popsicle (just keep one in the freezer) and/or use those little pink dental plaque tablets.
Green Toenails?
One cup of table vinegar in a Tupperware basin. Soak the toes daily and this will help get rid of the green cyano pigments created by the pseudomonas bacteria under the nail (and, of course, go see your dermatologist). For dry cracking toenails/fingernails apply household Vaseline before bed to all the nails and eat Jell-O brand gelatin (orange). Your nails will be stronger and better and glossy in two weeks. Courtesy of Dr. David Colbert.
You can easily curl your eyelashes using a small espresso spoon. Press your lashes along the edge of the spoon using your thumb. The heat from your thumb will help to set the curl. Do not use a pencil.
How to Iron Your Hair
You will need an iron and an ironing board. Place either a piece of silk or a brown paper bag (based on income) between your hair and the ironing board so you don’t burn it. Set your iron on low to medium and press briefly. Section hair and repeat. Courtesy of Orlando Pita, hair stylist, and Karen Thorne, astrologist.
“If you feel good wearing red lipstick, regardless of what anyone says, then wear it.”
—Kevyn Aucoin, makeup artist, departed
Pointers to Help You Sleep
Darken the room
Hot bath (remember a shower perks you up, a bath relaxes you) Lavender oil or sachets (see page 267) Red wine
Tincture of valerian root
Don’t worry about staying awake
“To remove hair color from the hairline, place fresh cigarette ashes on the stain and rub off with water.”
—Evan Hyisky, hair stylist
“Sleep on your back.”
—Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis
If you are anemic eat out of a cast iron skillet.
“The little curls that you place in front of your ears are called kiss curls and sometimes ‘man catchers.’”
—Miss Perfi dia
Make sure your wig is always secure. Just a few years ago there was a woman in Florida praying to God in hopes that her town would be safe from a hurricane and a strong gust of wind came and blew the wig right off her head.
When using hairspray on your wig, use the same amount you would on your own hair.
Tips from Beauty Expert Jim Crawford
You can use old standard milk of magnesia on your face as a mask. This really works. It will appear like a liquid clay and it contains lots of minerals that help to restore and detoxify your skin. A Cuban woman told me the same thing, and her face is perfect.
Sour cream is a soothing agent and a good remedy for razor burn, so you can use it under your arms, or on your face, bikini line, or even your legs to help take away the stinging and burning.
Remember to always work in an upward motion when applying any product or moisturizer. The skin under the eye is the thinnest on the body and needs extra attention and care.
You can use the old home remedy of salt for oily skin and sugar for dry skin. Use them when removing a mask to help exfoliate.
Entertaining the Elderly
There is a lot to consider while entertaining the elderly; for one, they’re old. They don’t like quick movement and they can’t hear very well. I don’t mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I’m not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am. All right, fine, let’s just all grow old together.
When I waitressed, I noticed it was common when old folks came in for the Yellow Plate Special, for them to want the music turned down and the heat and lights turned up. I try to keep this in mind when I entertain the elderly.
It’s never good to stereotype. All of your guests are individuals with different needs. Except in the case of the elderly. You can pretty much count on all of them not liking loud music and being cold. Elderly people like to eat early. Plan your schedule around them. Nobody wants to prechew a roast beef at 4:00 in the afternoon, but these are the concessions you will be making when entertaining the elderly.
Bland food that is easy to chew and digest is a good idea, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be visually cheery. Mix colors, and use festive dishware.
It’s important to interact with the elderly after a big meal. This is touch-and-go time and they need all the stimuli you can muster. Keep them engaged or it’s the express train to nappy-land.
Toss a balloon back and forth. Offer to treat them to a foot soak in an Epsom salt bath. Plant seeds. Read them a story or pore over a photo album and reminisce. Thread some needles for them to take home, but by all means keep them engaged.
Just as you need to childproof a home when young ones are invited, considerations need to be taken when having the elderly as guests. Make sure the rugs are secure and the traffic patterns are clear. If you have a small dog, enclose him in a room so that he doesn’t get under a walker or jump up on laps.
With all the special attention needed, one might ask, why entertain the elderly? The answer is this: elderly people have much to offer. They have years of experience stored in their brains. Of course it might prove difficult getting it out. I suppose the most important reason is soon you will be in their comfort shoes, and wouldn’t it be nice to be invited to a party?
THREE GIN-SOAKED RAISINS
This is good to have every day because it helps with arthritis.
Menu
I Remember the War Cube Steak
Canned Pork and Beans
Mom’s Potato Salad
Banana
Dustbowl Junket
Glass of Champagne
I REMEMBER THE WAR CUBE STEAK
Cube steak is an inexpensive cut of beef. Melt in skillet 3 tablespoons of butter. Take cube steak and bang it with a mallet until it is riddled with pockmarks. Dip in flour. Cook as you like it. Season with salt and pepper and top with postage-stamp size butter squares.
Other foods that are good to keep in mind when cooking for the elderly:
MOM’S POTATO SALAD
Scrub potatoes. Boil in salted water. Drain. Put in refrigerator. When cold, peel skin off, cut into small squares. Add minced green onion, chopped egg.
Optional: 1-½ cups mayonnaise, 1 tablespoon mustard, 1 tablespoon wine vinegar, 2 teaspoons celery salt. Measurements vary.
Stain Suggestions
You can use 2 denture cleaning tablets to clean your Corning Ware by filling them up with water and dropping the tablets in for about 45 minutes.
Gift Ideas
• Your time.
• Offer to walk their dogs.
• Take their cat to the vet, rake their leaves, take down their Christmas tree. Discard their jack-o’-lanterns. If they know another language encourage them to practice it. Crack their ice cube trays, listen to them when they talk about the past. This will also keep them from talking about all their aches a
nd pains. You learn more by listening than by talking, I know I already said that, but maybe you’ll hear something they didn’t say.
• The older they get the more they want to go to church, so offer to drop them off and pick them up.
• Comb their hair or style their wig.
Fruit Salad
Baked Alaska
PARENT/TEACHER YELLOW CAKE
2 cups of flour
2 teaspoons of double-acting baking powder
½ teaspoon of salt
1 stick of unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup of sugar
3 egg yolks
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Mix all of your dry ingredients except sugar in a bowl. Put aside. With an electric mixer, cream your butter and sugar until light and fluffy, add the egg yolks and mix thoroughly. Add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture, alternating with milk until thoroughly blended. Stir in the vanilla.
Bake in 2 greased and floured 8-inch cake pans for 25 minutes.
BUTTERCREAM FROSTING (SEE page 182):
Frost between each layer. Then frost entire cake.
You can dye the frosting a pale cool green or light pink.
THREE WAY CAKE WITH CUPCAKES AS SLOPPY SECONDS
1 eight inch layer of Yellow Cake
1 eight inch layer of Chocolate Cake
1 eight inch layer of Spice Cake
