by Amy Sedaris
Gorgonzola, small chunk
Shiitake mushrooms, large handful
Small bulb of radicchio
Salt and pepper
Butter
Sauté shiitake mushrooms in butter.
Cook shells al dente. Rinse in cold water, drain.
In large bowl, combine cream, grated Parmesan cheese, grated Bel Paese, and crumbled Gorgonzola. Take the drained shells, shiitake mushrooms, sliced radicchio, salt, and pepper and put in a buttered dish. Bake for 20 minutes at 400 degrees F.
Courtesy of Hugh Hamrick.
FARMER’S SALAD
Combination of salad greens—dandelion highly recommended Tomatoes
Cucumbers
Red onion
Cold Roasted Potatoes in Their Jackets (see page 53)
Avocado
Sunflower seeds
Raisins (optional)
Olive oil and red wine vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste
Toss well.
FENNEL AND ARUGULA SALAD
Create a salad using arugula lettuce, shaved fennel, and Parmesan cheese. Top with oil and vinegar dressing.
PROPER RABBIT HOUSING
A cage should be at least four times the length of the rabbit when he is fully stretched out (this generally means a cage at least 4 feet long).
It should be high enough to permit the rabbit to stand upright on his tip-toes and stretch upward.
The cage floor should be flat and not made of wire; wire-bottom cage floors can create or contribute to foot problems. Rabbits do not have padded heels the way people do. Their heel bone is directly up against the skin—like a human’s elbow. Wire floors can cut into the heel and create a path for infection. If you have a wire-bottom cage, cover the floor with plain, clean, corrugated cardboard.
For many reasons (fleas, ticks, parasites, extremes of weather, predators), the safest place to keep a rabbit is indoors, and a 30″ high, 4′ x 4′ puppy exercise pen makes an ideal indoor rabbit environment. A large dog crate with a metal or plastic-pan floor is a suitable alternative. Using corrugated cardboard to cover the floor gives the rabbit something nontoxic to dig at and chew, and it is easily replaced whenever necessary.
Outdoor cages or hutches must be carefully protected from the elements. Rabbits are extremely sensitive to high heat and humidity. Provide shade from hot summer sun, and provide adequate shelter from wind, rain, snow, and ice in other seasons. In subfreezing weather, check daily to make sure your rabbit’s water is not frozen, and provide plenty of hay or straw for bedding and insulation against the cold.
Rabbits kept outdoors in wire-bottom cages or hutches are at especially high risk for fly strike. Feces that are permitted to accumulate on the ground under the hutch attract egg-laying flies. If there is any fecal material stuck to the rabbit, this also attracts flies. The fly eggs hatch into maggots, which literally eat the rabbit alive. Rabbits kept outdoors should be checked frequently to make sure they are free of fecal material (and maggots!). Feces around the rabbit cage or hutch must be removed regularly and frequently.
Rabbits are, by instinct, immaculately clean. In an effort to keep their quarters clean, they will normally select one corner of the cage for urination and defecation. Identify which corner the rabbit has chosen, and put a litter box there. The litter box should have sides that are 4–5 inches high. Line the litter box with a section of newspaper and fill it with grass hay, such as timothy.
Courtesy of Mary Cotter, House Rabbit Society chapter manager.
Almost everyone has lost a pet at one time or another. I like the traditional method of burying them in the backyard, but I live in a city and I don’t have a backyard. You can always flush them down the toilet, but make sure you are on good terms with your plumber because these things tend to go awry. I have now found what I consider to be a great way to not only dispose of a pet, but to memorialize them as well: first, have them cremated (any veterinarian can do it), then retrieve the ashes and place them into a customized grieving sack. You can make your own sack using felt and customize it according to your loss.
Gift Giving
Giving a gift can express many things—Congratulations! Get well soon. Remember me? I’m so sorry, it will never happen again. Happy Secretary’s Day! Happy Graduation. Happy Birthday. I didn’t mean it, it was the spiced rum talking. The best presents come from the heart and say something simple: “I like you.”
No matter how hard you try, you cannot purchase affection with presents unless you are willing to drop some serious coinage, but you can show thoughtfulness and creativity. Sometimes the way you present a gift, say, with genuine enthusiasm, is much more important than the amount of money you spend, unless of course, again, you are trying to buy somebody’s love, then it’s all about the price tag. Cha-ching. The card you give along with your gift is important in the presentation. Did you just sign your name to a store-bought card? Or did you put a little effort in and make a card from scratch and write a little something personal?
Gift wrapping is another chance to make your present unique. My younger brother wrapped all his presents in carpet one Christmas.
Some people put very little energy into buying a gift and then use the excuse, “Well it’s the thought that counts.” These lazy people tend to give gifts that end up in your hallway stairwell or on your “reduced for quick sale” display table (see “The Money Jar,” page 32). They’re the same people who start their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and don’t travel with an address book (see “For a College Graduation,” page 189), any aspirin, or suntan oil.
Money can make a nice gift, but once you start sending family members checks for their birthdays, you’ll have to do it for the rest of your life because they will be looking for it for the rest of their lives. It’s like feeding a dog from the table. A good way to give money is to donate to a charity of the person’s choice. When friends say they want to donate money to a charity of my choice, I always suggest my vacation jar. I keep my vacation jar screwed under my kitchen cabinet above the sink so when I wash dishes I can stare at it and fantasize about the places I might go, and all the ways I can convince people to donate money to it.
OTHER CREATIVE WAYS TO SEND MONEY
• A card pocket to hold dimes.
• A special envelope for paper money and checks.
• Offer someone a shopping spree.
• Make a “coupon” book full of passes and gift certificates such as movie or theater tickets, fast-food gift certificates, or lotto tickets.
• Only older sisters give traveler’s checks, because traveler’s checks are very practical.
• People who have lived through a war tend to give bonds. They never want to give up the fight.
• Make your own gift certificates, like: “good for one back massage with full release,” or “good for one cheese ball.” Or, “I’ll be your slave for a day.” This is a good idea if you are low on money.
• If you have a friend or loved one in the hospital, and you want to assure that they will be taken care of, supply the nurses—especially the ICU staff—with baked goods, chocolates or a Crock-Pot of soup or stew.
• Re-gifting is tricky. This is when you receive a gift you don’t like and then rewrap it and try to pass it on to someone else. Usually it’s pretty obvious. Did you really think your aging aunt would appreciate those skates? Or your toothless cousin would enjoy that box of saltwater taffy?
Compliments
If you can’t afford a gift, give a compliment. This is an easy way to make somebody feel better. If someone gives you a compliment, accept it. Nobody wants to hear “Don’t tell me—tell my gynecologist,” or “Thanks, but you’re not exactly the Piedmont Times book review,” or “Oh please, I just rewired it.”
If you receive a gift and you don’t have something in return, accept it graciously. Nobody wants to hear your backhanded compliments: “Thanks for the hook rug you made me. I don’t know how you do it, Dale. I couldn’t find
any time to even think of gifts what with all the work we’re supposed to be doing on the Teesdale project. Well, I guess one of us has been slacking off, and the other one of us has a new hook rug.”
Gift Suggestions
See other gift ideas in the chapter.
For a Single Man
Identification bracelet
Shiitake log
New strap for his sports watch
Neck chain
Blazer buttons or tools
Sponges and socks
Rock concert tickets
Gifts for a Divorced Man Who Works in an Office
An easy-to-care-for terrarium
Place mats
Frozen chicken thighs
The Holy Bible
Paint chip wheel
Hangers
Oven mitts
Comb
For Preteen Girls
Gold balls for pierced ears
Animal pin
Colored cotton balls
Stationery
Subscription to a magazine
Tin can bank
Diary
Apron with turtles on it
A book about horses
For a High School Graduation
Potted plants
Bridge or guitar lessons
Corkscrew
Radio
Hair dryer
Money
Wristband
Instant camera
For a College Graduation
Evening scarf or Fuck It Bucket (see page 290)
Briefcase
Set of beer mugs
Clam steamer or Crock-Pot
New tires
Wall clock
Binoculars
Belt
Pen set with initials
Address book (When going on trips with other people, bring your own address book if you want to send postcards. Nothing is more annoying than traveling with someone who didn’t think of that. The point of sending a postcard is that you thought enough to bring their address with you.)
For a Priest
Cooked turkey and roast beef
Color TV* or Calf Stretcher (see page 292)
Golf clubs
Pistachios
Pot holders
* The best time to choose a color TV is on Saturday morning when the cartoons are on. That way you can tell which TV has the best color for your money.
For a Nun
TV set
Suitcase
Cheese
Soap
Sausage links
Shower caps
Raisins
Single Girl in Her Mid-Forties Living Alone
Pink toilet paper
Stamps
For Early Menopause
A pin made from a broken china plate
Drapes or curlers
Hand mirror
Earring tree
Rose lotion
Rolling pin
Homemade Children’s Gift Ideas for a Rainy Day
Homemade decoration for their school bags or pocketbook. Outline your initials in chalk first, and then sew the buttons along the lines. Be careful when tossing it in the dryer because it can get noisy.
For Children
Bank
Wallet with pictures of scientists and movie stars
Popcorn popper
Paint set
Breakaway china
Inflatable briefcase
Magnifying glass
Box fi lled with old wigs, clothes, and character glasses
Push toys are good for two-year-olds
Housewarming Gift Ideas
Key chain
Band-Aids
Stamps and a stamp holder
Flashlight with extra batteries
Homemade bookends (see page 277)
Timer or peppermill
Phone book covers (see page 286)
Personalized matches
Wood-burning kit
Scissors
Clothesline
Hard line (in case of a blackout)
Offer to clean the apartment or house before they move in or clean their oven. My brother did both of these things for me before I moved into my apartment and continues to clean my oven when he comes to visit me.
NOTE: Never bring a gift to an event where the recipient would be stuck carrying it around. They don’t want to lug it around any more than you do— it’s an inconvenience.
Never Give These
Kittens
Birds
Sterling silver pinecones to struggling newlyweds
Gag gifts
Tan colored socks
3 turtles
Sexy lingerie for your son’s girlfriend
If you live with someone, don’t buy them music if you don’t want to hear it.
If you owe someone money give them something, even if it’s just half the amount, just so the person who lent you the money knows you haven’t forgotten your debt. Because trust me, they didn’t forget about it. And never buy lenders a gift instead of giving them money. They don’t want an expensive journal or a paperweight and they might not be into charities and scented candles—they want their money.
Suggestions for Gift Giving
Send flowers to your mother on your birthday (a guaranteed tear dropper).
Make a list. I like to ask the people I will be giving gifts to for a list of things they desire. We always did this as children—my family still does. And I never understood why people thought it was inappropriate after a certain point. It’s helpful and it prevents you from getting or giving someone a bullshit present. Lists are good to give to bad shoppers. Just because it’s on a list doesn’t guarantee anything, so you’re still surprised. Also if you are making a list and giving one to several different people don’t repeat an item on the list—you might want to cater it to the person you are giving the list to. You’re not going to ask your 8-year-old niece for a check any more than you’re going to ask your 80-year-old grandmother for some chronic and a decent bong, unless her connections are still good.
Keep a record of what you have given people in the past so you can refer to it when their birthday rolls around again and you don’t give them the same gift.
In Girl Scouts, we would always get a name from Social Services of a family that was in need for a Thanksgiving dinner and we would provide that family with a meal. Or for Christmas we would give presents to the family using all our dues money. This is still a fantastic gift idea. Call Social Services and get the name of a needy family. If you are too busy or scared to go into poor peoples’ neighborhoods, pay someone braver than you to deliver it.
Don’t make the mistake of telling people you collect something specific like frogs or Star Trek paraphernalia because once you do you’ll get them for the rest of your life. Most collectors like to seek these things out for themselves. That’s the fun of collecting. And try to avoid giving drinkers liquor all the time because if everybody follows suit it actually makes them feel bad. Take good care of the person you have listed on a medical form as a contact “in case of emergencies,” because that’s going to be a full-time job for them when that phone call does come.
When I meet someone for the first time and I think that I will be seeing them over a period of time, like a manicurist or cashier, I immediately ask when their birthday is and then I go home and jot it down and never mention it again until it’s their birthday. Make a quick association in your head until you get home. It’s a nice surprise. This goes for any anniversary as well. Note: Sometimes this backfires on me, especially if they weren’t thinking of the anniversary of their mother’s death, then it changes everything.
Cooking for One
Some people are alone by circumstance—they’ve lost a loved one, or are enduring a breakup, and others, like me, are alone by choice. I don’t mind being alone. I don’t need to fill up every moment of my day with companionship. I don’t need warm human interaction. I don’t need to be gently caressed while he whispe
rs those sweet tender words in my ear, “I love you Amy, and you’ll never be alone.” Well, he’s a liar. So I’m alone and that’s okay. Besides, that’s the way my imaginary boyfriend Ricky prefers it. He’s got me all to himself. Ricky and I have had a successful relationship now for over 12 years. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, but the point is we work. He gets me.
I think it’s good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.
I do truly look on an evening alone with excitement. Usually I’ll cook one of my simple yet tasty 15-Minute Meals in 20 Minutes (see “15-Minute Meals in 20 Minutes,” page 196) such as shell steak with a side salad. If I want to treat myself, I’ll put an hour and 15 minutes into it and make a shell steak with a side salad and toss a baked potato in the oven. After eating and doing the dishes, I might whip up a batch of cupcakes for delivery. I’ll flip on the fake fireplace, and listen to the phone ring. I might put on some slow jams and take in a short story. I’ll spend time massaging my rabbit. Perhaps I’ll get involved with a project I won’t finish and then rock myself to sleep.
Table for One
Popcorn
BBQ Chicken (see page 208) Steamed Green Beans with Butter and Salt
Buttered Egg Noodles
Optional Menu
Pork Chop
Whipped Potatoes with Turnips or Garlic Avocado Salad or Spinach and Mushroom Salad
Cookie Milk
POPCORN
Turn burner to high. Pour about a half inch of popcorn into a steel-bottomed pan (I like using Revere ware for this).
Pour enough olive oil to cover your kernels. You don’t want an oil slick visible on the surface.
Cover pan and wait for first kernel to pop. Change burner to medium heat, and shake pan back and forth on burner until most popping ceases. Remove from heat and transfer into a bowl that is big enough to hold all your popcorn.
