I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

  Tip: Empty egg cartons make great earring organizers.

  Carrot and Potato Bracelet

  I remember seeing this craft on the Mike Douglas Show when I was little. Chop carrot and potato up into small shapes like cubes and coins, put a needle (using thread or dental floss) through the carrot and then potato alternating between the two. Hang your strand in a closet for about 4 to 5 days. When the carrots and potatoes look all dried up and feel hard, tie the two ends together and wear it around your wrist.

  Note: If you have a mildew problem hang the strand somewhere else—or don’t make this bracelet.

  Note: If you want it shiny use clear nail polish and dab it on.

  Paper Clip Necklace

  You’ll need:

  paper clips & sticky shelf paper

  Cut several 1" squares of shelf paper. Link two paper clips together. Peel off and wrap the shelf paper square around the first paper clip to secure the link. Now link another paper clip to make a chain. Keep securing the links and adding paper clips until the desired length is achieved. You can make a tassel from several short chains.

  Penne Earrings

  Boil penne or other shape of macaroni till done. With large embroidery needle and thread, pierce hole near edge of macaroni and string onto thread. Separate on thread and hang in window overnight to dry. When dry, remove thread and put jump rings through holes. Attach to earring wires. Paint desired color or coat with clear nail polish.

  The Nosey Tissue Ghost

  You’ll need two sheets of nose tissue. Lay one sheet out flat and take the other sheet and ball it up and place it in the center of the flat sheet. Wrap the flat sheet around the ball to make a head. Use dental floss to tie the head off just at the neck. Dot with felt tip pen to make eyes. Hang your nosey ghost anywhere—I suggest a ceiling fan.

  Tape Kleenex Box

  Go over the tissue box you have now with either different colors of tape or the same one. When the box of tissue is empty you can either throw it away and decorate a new box or cut the bottom out and press your new box up under the old box—it fits snugly.

  Tissue Flowers

  Start with several sheets of multicolored tissue paper. Fold back and forth accordion style with folds about every 1-½". Tightly tie off or secure with a pipe cleaner in the center of the folded strip. Unfurl each individual sheet separately and fluff. You can trim the flower to shape it if you want to. ¡Que linda!

  Drip Candle

  Step 1: Drink one bottle of chianti.

  Step 2: Burn lots of cheap candles in the bottle, letting them drip down the sides (a flickering flame will make more drips). You can melt crayons to add more color. You can do this by putting it in front of an open window on a breezy day.

  Seeing Peanut

  Glue googly eyes on a peanut shell. Looks great on clams, too!

  Pom-Pom Can Can

  Wrap a string of different colored pom-poms around a can, using glue.

  Customized Cans

  Take any can and cover the outside with felt, sticky shelf paper, construction paper, or wrapping paper— your choice. Decorate the can to suit your personality or the personality of the lucky person you’re giving it to. Great for pencils, scissors, and change.

  Personalized Lighters

  Take a lighter and cut some sticky shelf paper 3 x 2-¾ inches and cover lighter. Don’t use fabric (tends to catch fire). Felt gets dirty fast. Colored tape—great. Vinyl tablecloth material—perfect. Rickrack—a little thick.

  Fuck It Bucket

  PAUL DINELLO’S CALF STRETCHER

  Anyone can build a calf stretcher. It is simple and fun. One only needs a few items to easily accomplish this crafty limbering device:

  1) A saw. 2) Wood. 3) An insatiable burning desire to have your calves stretched.

  First, Acquire Wood. Anyone can go to a lumber store and purchase wood, but this seems silly because so much wood is lying around just asking to be cut into pieces and then assembled into a nifty flexor wedge. I found my wood on a busy street by my house. It must have belonged to the department of sanitation because they were working in the same area. I figured it must have fallen off a truck or something. Picking it up revealed a massive hole in the street, so I was clearly doing the city a favor by removing it and exposing this menace that needed immediate attention. Imagine what would happen to some unsuspecting driver if he hit that hole driving at a good clip? And it being evening and all, the hole is practically invisible. No, this must be fixed, and who knows how long the hole would have remained untended, hidden by that board and those flashing sawhorses.

  Second, Measure the Board. A tape measure is probably best for measuring. I have to get one. For this project I used a lot of guess work. I knew I wanted to end up with a wedge, which is much more information than I usually have when I start a project. All I can really say about this part of the project is you will need a couple of rectangles, two smaller triangles, and then a single smaller rectangle.

  Third, Cut the Board into Desired Pieces. I like saws, especially electric table saws. You would be amazed what an electric table saw can cut through and cut through really fast. A shoe. A tennis racket. As a scientific test I once cut a Pioneer stereo receiver in half. I can’t really say what I was testing, but I can say I now know that with the exception of all the sparks, a table saw doesn’t have a problem cutting a stereo receiver in half.

  Four, Assemble Pieces. I used screws and glue. Five, Decorate With Paint. I used spray paint for this project. I use spray paint whenever I can because brushing wears me out. Continue painting until the wedge is completely covered or until your headache is so disorienting that you are having trouble pressing the nozzle.

  Six, Add Nonstick Substance to Top of Wedge. This additional step was added after my cousin tested the wedge and found out firsthand that gravity and momentum coupled with slippery spray paint can result in a humorous, yet serious, head injury.

  Popcorn Cherry Blossoms

  Find a nice branch. Pop some corn. Glue the popped kernels on the twig and dot each one with a little bit of pink nail polish.

  The Insect Hotel

  Make a little lodge for an insect or small animal whose lifestyle you admire. Give each guest some food and furnishings. Maximum stay is ten minutes. Set them free and think about what you have learned.

  Be Prepared

  Medicine Chest

  Petroleum jelly

  Cotton

  Tweezers

  Band-Aids

  Gauze

  Laxatives

  Scissors

  Thermometer

  Aspirin tablets

  Rolaids or Tums

  Adhesive tape

  Hydrogen peroxide

  Rubbing alcohol

  Emergency Numbers To Have On Hand

  Pharmacy

  Hospital

  Police

  Ambulance

  Neighbor

  Fire department

  Liquor store

  Suicide hotline

  Poison control center

  Veterinarian

  Neighbor

  Household Phone Numbers*

  Hardware store

  Plumber

  Electrician

  Exterminator

  Rabbit Kit

  Eyedropper

  Nail clippers

  Oral feeding syringe

  Baby simethicone (for gas)

  Frozen bottle of water in the freezer (in case of heat wave you can lay this next to them)

  Always Have

  Spare keys

  Flashlight with extra batteries

  Matches

  Water

  Money jar

  Landline phone

  Candles

  Backup medication

  Firearm

  A good book to read

  Items That Make My Life Easier In The Kitchen

  Green bean frencher

  Carrot peeler

  Garlic press

  Nut grinder


  Corkscrew

  Bottle opener

  Tongs

  Extra ice cube tray

  Pastry brush

  Poultry shears

  Timer

  Extra sponges

  Lemon press

  Tool Kit**

  Safety glasses

  Nails

  Screws

  Tacks

  Hammer

  Screwdrivers

  Pliers

  Measuring tape

  Sandpaper

  Small hand mirror

  Acknowledgments

  When I started this book I fantasized that I would be able to do it on my own and in my spare time. (How hard can it be? It’s recipes . . . ) But after a few minutes of actually trying to type, that quaint fantasy quickly turned into desperate phone calls. It turns out to be very hard to steal a recipe. Luckily, I was considered special from a very early age—from my ability to glue two popsicle sticks together to the bus I rode to school. What makes me most special is my uncanny ability to corral other special people and then use them to make me look good. And countless people did just that. And even though my name is on the cover, I couldn’t do it without them. I can’t put their name on the cover since it is not their book. It is mine. But this is their page—well, what’s left of it—and I’d like them to think of it that way.

  When I say “written by me,” what I mean actually, and possibly legally (if he ever becomes smart enough to hire a lawyer), is by me and Paul Dinello. And for the woman’s touch, I also relied upon the Greek expertise of Antonia Xereas.

  The book is full of crafts, food, lushly-appointed sets, props, and costumes. To accomplish this, I assembled a group of crackpot craftateers called The Creative Daze Team who made it all happen on location in my apart-ment in the dead of summer (hence the melted food and covered dishes . . . and E. coli). But back to the team and their page. Th ey were: [names on jars]. I am so grateful. And I would like to give an extra thank you to Billy Erb, who went beyond his call of duty. Working with these slaves made me feel like I had magical powers. I’d utter my desire: “make a stuff ed snake with pom-pom eyes,” “make a portrait of me and my rabbit out of beans,” “I want a fake cake. Make that four,” and—poof—it would appear, leaving me plenty of time to herbally gear up for my next request.

  At Warner, I’d Also Like to Thank:

  Amy Einhorn, Jamie Raab, Emily Griffin, Tareth Mitch, Stephen Callahan, Tom Whatley, Bob Castillo, Harvey-Jane Kowal, Justine Gardner, Anne Twomey, Evan Boorstyn, Nicole Kuritsky, Jennifer Romanello, Emi Battaglia, Karen Cera, Anthony Goff , Dennis Boutsikaris, Rebecca Oliver, and David Young.

  And at William Morris, I’m Grateful to:

  Tracy Fisher, Jon Baker, and Eric Zohn.

  Both my agent and editor got pregnant at the same time. Thanks, ladies.

  The Underbelly

  Finally, countless friends and others contributed and helped in countless ways. Th ey are my seamy underbelly, my galley slaves, without whom this book wouldn’t be in your hands today. They are:

  Conn Brattain, John Giordani, Joe Oppedisano, HelenAnn Lally, Lily Thorne, David Rakoff , Peter Belsky, Paul Tough, Ken Siman, Andrea Ciannavei, Cathy Camper, Kelly Rakowski, Jennifer Nielsen, Jill Watson. Eric Blume, Danny Murphy, Adam S. Wahler, Mary Adams, Mary Cotter, Rosanne Quezada, Paula Scher at Pentagram, Sarah Thyre, Hugh Hamrick, Marshall Wyatt, Todd Oldham, and everyone in my family, including Kathy and Madelyn Rose Sedaris (crying child).

  Photography by

  Billy Erb and Mark Ibold

  Additional photography by: Michael Ingulli— cabinets, gouged cheese ball, butter mint dish, tissue bride and groom, bowl of googly-eyed peanuts, individual miniature foods, art deco cigarette holder, jimmies, ghost cake, squirrel with potatoes, end pages

  Amy Sedaris Photography by

  Todd Oldham

  Hair and make up by: Pia Guccione

  Additional photographs of Amy by:

  Michael Ingulli (cab face)

  Andrew Eccles (whipped cream)

  Mark Ibold (pumpkin built by Wendy)

  Lou Sedaris (Mr. Mushroom)

  Charcoal Drawings by

  Tobie Giddio

  Hand Lettering by

  Ellen Berkenblit, courtesy of Anton Kern Gallery. Additional lettering by:

  Tobie Giddio—This Sturdy Book Belonged To, Other Books By Amy Sedaris, Step Right Up, Soap Opera Box, Worth Flying Home For, Spotlight On . . . , Out of This World, Munchies, I Like You, Competitive Ribbon Making, and

  Billy Erb—popcorn cherry blossoms

  Hillary Moore—I Like Us, Pound Cake, Coffee Cake, No Squirrels, My Success Story, Poof It’s Magic

  Drawings by

  Hillary Moore

  Additional art by:

  Ellen Berkenblit—bat, mouse, squirrel, graveyard, spiders, pink “I Like You,” squiggly dingbat, and

  Conn Brattain—Chianti bottle, first-aid box, shell, hobo stick, art pallet, cake on stand, needle and thread, leaf, bacon, cherry pie slice, lobster, large fancy ribbon, peanuts, popcorn, brown rabbit, tall glass, coconuts, envelopes, spider plant, 25 cents, pink mushrooms, strawberry, pineapple, lighter, noose, hatchet, Band-Aid, Revere ware pot, crab

  David Rakoff—salt shaker

  Billy Erb—thumbprint guys

  Gretchen Sedaris—page of leaf drawings, beetle, marching ants, teenage wasp, young Amy portrait

  Hugh Hamrick—stump, toadstools, witches pot, oval piglet painting, end pages, airplane, leaf curtain backdrop

  Justin Theroux—bucktoothed cucum-ber, praying lumberjack hands, drug eyes, drugs and paraphernalia, worms, stiletto heel, sad sack society, garlic pot, Korean corner

  Tobie Giddio—full release jar, ink drawings of rabbits, ice cube tray

  Design Team

  The Dingbats: Jessica Rosenberg and Lenny Naar

  * Tip them “right” and they will put you first on their list.

  ** Everybody needs a tool kit in his or her home. If you want someone to fix something for you, you can at least have the tools. The same goes for in the kitchen, have a decent pan.