Derek pulled me over to the kitchen table; I could tell they had been sitting here before I had interrupted. Mugs were scattered over the surface and Jillian went to get me a cup of her best hot chocolate. An awkward silence suddenly filled the room as if another person had followed me inside. Each sound was like a shattering boom in the stillness as all eyes rested on me. In some way I felt as though I was seeing things through a different person’s eyes. I knew what they were waiting for, but any form of an explanation had long since left my mind. There was nothing that I could say or do to make them understand what I had been through.
I swallowed heavily and opened my mouth to speak, “How is everyone?”
“Fine,” Jillian said after a pause.
My father cleared his throat and the twins shifted as though of one mind while I kept my eyes on the table, too afraid to meet their gaze.
“Wh—where—” Jillian choked the word out, but I cut her off.
“Emly must be big now, huh?” I asked, the question sounding silly, but Jillian smiled and whipped a tear from her cheek. With a giant sniff and a careful look thrown in my father’s direction, she began to talk and didn’t stop for ten minutes.
Time had certainly passed while I was gone. The months seemed like years as she spoke of how Emly was holding her head up and rolling from stomach to back with ease. Aaron, Caitlin, and Sara were all enjoying school. Kaleb was learning his ABC’s and Justin had lost his first tooth. Much to my surprise, she said that Derek and Sean had moved out and now owned a small house closer to the docks, that way they could work more efficiently. It sounded like they were taking over more and more of the family business.
It grew quiet again as Jillian finished telling me about the goings on at the restaurant and I knew what was coming. It was my turn to talk, but I didn’t want to. For one thing it was strange, but more than anything I wanted to get away from the idea of him. I couldn’t think of his name without feeling the pain in my heart and I didn’t want them to know. I wanted to hold onto his memory forever. Talking about what had happened would only make it real, and for now I needed to believe that it wasn’t real. I needed to believe that he was still waiting for me, even though my heart knew that he wasn’t.
“Where have you been?” Dad said, pulling me from my thoughts. There was a harshness in his tone that I didn’t remember and lines around his eyes that never used to be there. More guilt fell onto my shoulders; he was still angry with me for leaving.
“That,” I said, staring at my hot chocolate as I swirled it in my mug, “is a really long story.”
“We have time,” Derek shrugged.
“I know you do,” I said, but I didn’t enlighten them further.
“Are you going to tell us?” Sean asked and I could hear the hurt in his voice. Did he think I didn’t want to share things with them anymore?
I nodded to let him know I would, “Eventually I will. It’ll just take some time, and it’s kind of weird talking about it with you guys.” They all nodded realizing that this was awkward for me and I knew they felt the same way. My being here forced them to accept things that were supposed to only be myths. Suddenly, I remembered that there was one person in this group who didn’t even know the truth about me. I looked at Jillian.
“I told her after you left,” Dad lifted his hands in innocence, “she needed to know.” I nodded, knowing he had done the right thing.
“Well, in that case,” I took a big breath, not wanting to begin, but knowing I had to. “First you need to fully understand why I left. I know I mentioned in the letter that Morven had visited but I didn’t tell you why. He came to check on me and in that moment I realized my life was going to be forever tied to his. I didn’t want that, and so I left. I knew all of you would disapprove so I had to do it quickly. I’m sorry but it was all I could do. The only thing I could think of was to find freedom.” A weight I’d been carrying for the past months lifted from my chest when I saw the acceptance in all their faces. Beside me, Derek patted my hand.
Without going into greater detail, I launched into the story of finding the island and meeting Patrick, and quickly mentioned Kryssa, Shaylee, and Nixie. I went on to explain how the merfolk lived and told them of Nixie’s wedding. I was very vague about my kidnapping and escape. In fact, I didn’t even tell them I had stepped foot on Hyvar. Instead I mentioned a girl had been spotted who looked like me and I had been free to go home. There was no mention of the love between Patrick and I, those were details I wanted to keep in my heart. The rest of the world never needed to know about the man who had changed my life forever.
When I finished, there was a deep silence. I took a sip of my now cold hot chocolate and went to reheat it in the microwave. It gave them time to think, time to register their thoughts. The world had just gotten a lot bigger for them. I remembered that powerful overwhelming feeling when I had first realized Kryssa was a mermaid. I sat back down at the table knowing there would be questions.
“Are you home for good, then?” Sean asked, and I tried not to feel guilty at the hope in his voice.
“I think so,” I nodded and bit my lip debating on whether to tell them. “But I will have to leave eventually. I’m different now.” I tried to think of the words that would explain my problem. They waited patiently.
“I learned about merfolk and they live a really long time.”
“Are they immortal?” Jillian asked, and I smiled internally knowing this was the same question I’d asked when Kryssa had told me.
“No,” I said, and shook my head. “But when I turn eighteen I will fully transform into a mermaid, as if I had been born one. That means for every fifty years you guys live, I will only age one.”
They stared at me silently, and I looked down. Seeing the fear in their eyes was harder than I had thought. For the first time I really had to grasp what this meant for me. I realized my brothers would be almost seventy when I turned nineteen.
“So we’ll be old and gray and you’ll still be young, huh?” Derek broke the silence.
“Yep,” I said and a small smile passed over my mouth.
“Well, at least we’ll have you around for a little while, right?” he nudged me with his shoulder and looked at his twin who nodded in response.
“Yeah, you’ll have to put up with me for a while now,” I said.
“Good,” Jillian sighed and smiled with warmth. “It’s been lonely being the only adult female in this house.” I acknowledged her words with a small smile of my own; a reminder of the kinship we’d had before I left.
A sudden yawn passed through my whole body, and the exhaustion in my muscles finally pushed forward.
“Let’s get you to bed,” Dad said. “You look exhausted.”
“Just a bit,” I said, through another yawn. I hadn’t slept in two days. I had been too afraid to sleep underwater by myself, all the while worrying Morven would find me. But I had also known that if I went to sleep I would have my nightmare again; the same nightmare I’d had in Lathmor before our attempted rescue. I shivered as I thought of holding his hand again, of hearing him telling me to save myself. Now I didn’t know what the nightmare would bring, now that I knew he was gone. I felt tears press against the backs of my eyes.
“Come on,” Jillian stood quickly and walked toward the stairs. She looked different without her overly large pregnant belly. For the past months I’d still been thinking of her as pregnant, but she was back to her normal tiny waist.
I said goodnight to Derek and Sean quickly and Dad patted me on the arm before sending me after his wife who was already upstairs. I climbed the staircase, my feet making padding noises on the light colored wood. I felt as though my body was on autopilot and I walked straight to my old room and shut the door.
For the first time, I took a deep breath and turned around. Not surprising, tears filled my eyes and I let them fall. Ever since that merman had told me he was gone, I’d been left in a state of uncertainty. Everything felt weird, and uncomfortable. There was
nothing that felt like home and I knew why. I’d thought maybe my old bedroom would bring me comfort again, but it didn’t. I knew why it felt strange; it was because there was another room I wanted to be in much more. There was another house, another home that was my comfort. If I closed my eyes I could hear the wind whistling through the trees and hear the fire cracking in the hearth.
A soft knock sounded on the door, and I hurriedly wiped my face and ducked my head as Jillian entered the room carrying a clean towel and washcloth. I stood awkwardly to the side, trying my best to look normal but failing miserably.
“We left everything the way it was,” Jillian said while placing the towel on the bed and turning on the bedside lamp. “Your father and I hoped that you would come back someday,” she sighed and faced me. “The little ones will be so happy that you are home. Especially Justin, he asks about you every day.”
Touched, I looked away. I knew I had hurt Jillian, Dad, and my brothers by leaving, but I hadn’t really thought about the effect it would have on my half-siblings. I crossed the room to my dresser and pulled out my old pajamas.
“What exactly did you tell them?” My voice cracked as I tossed the flannel pants and t-shirt onto my bed.
“We told them and anyone else who asked, you had enrolled in a foreign study program. You were in Norway living with my brother and attending classes at his school.” I nodded my head and thought of Jillian’s crazy older brother, Joel, who lived in Norway. I had met him twice and he was even crazier than the stories Jillian would tell about him. I knew the two of them trusted each other more than anything, and if Jillian asked him to say I was living with him, then he would do it without asking questions.
The more I thought about the plan, the smarter it seemed. Joel had been living in Norway for the last nine years and was head of a local school. I smiled to myself as I realized how logical my absence could sound.
“Thanks,” I said. “I wouldn’t have been able to come up with something that good.”
“It took some thinking,” she shrugged as she took the decorative pillows off my bed and placed them on the floor. I watched while she turned down the comforter and the three blankets that were layered beneath. She straightened, “Are you all settled?”
“I think so,” I nodded. “I’ll just get changed and brush my teeth. Do I still have a toothbrush?”
“Not you’re old one. Before the kids got up on the morning you were gone, we packed away some of your stuff. We wanted to make it look like you had actually left. It’s all in a big box at the boys’ apartment. We can get it tomorrow.”
“Okay, I’ll just use my finger. No worries.” I shrugged and yawned without thinking.
Jillian walked across the room and gave me a tight hug, her thick sweater tickling my nose. “So glad you’re home.”
“Me too,” I said and as she turned to leave, she paused at the door.
“Be sure to sleep in nice and long,” she smiled, knowing how tired I was. “Goodnight.”
“Night,” I said just before the door clicked shut.
A sigh of relief escaped my lips, and I changed clothes hurriedly while placing the pack with the dagger on my bedside table. I was exhausted and I hoped that sleep would take me quickly, but that was not meant to be. For the first time since Lathmor I was alone and had nothing to keep me busy. The past two days I had swum constantly to avoid this feeling; the weight of what had happened crashed over me.
I let the images of him fill my mind. He moved behind my eyelids doing tasks of no importance. I watched the memories of him as he carved a swan out of wood. I saw him slicing the meat for dinner, picking out one of his favorite books for me to read, laughing in the firelight, giving me a bracelet that was more beautiful than anything I had ever owned.
My fingers found their way to my naked wrist and I choked back a sob. Would this separation from him be so hard if I could have had that last gift? It had been given to me with such wonderful love and to have it now would be a treasure beyond anything I could ever imagine.
I rolled to my side and let the tears crawl down my nose and splatter on the pillowcase. It was the first time I had allowed myself to truly mourn his death; to let my whole body crumple in silent wracking sobs that shook the mattress beneath me. He deserved so much more than just my tears, but I could do nothing to change it. All I could do was hold onto the memories of the happy days I had spent with him on our island, in our home.
The hole in my chest grew wider and I tried to silence my sobs into the pillow
4. Normal
I recognized the view as soon as I saw it. I was on the beach, and I knew I was dreaming. I cringed because I knew what came at the end of this dream. I had seen the events unfold before. It all happened like I knew it would. Patrick was there and he walked with me, holding my hand. I reveled in the moment of seeing him smile; it was so real, I almost thought I wasn’t dreaming. But then came the worst part. Patrick stopped and his eyes filled with fear. He could see things I couldn’t and I tried to ask him what it was he saw. He took a step in front of me and disappeared. I knew he wasn’t just taken, he was literally gone. He was no longer part of this world that I lived in. I crumpled to the ground in pain and agony. A heavy weight pressed me into the sand and I felt as though I couldn’t get up. As I tried to free myself, a voice filled my ears. I struggled, and raised my head to look around. I knew it was his voice but couldn’t tell where it was coming from. He was calling my name desperately, as though he was trying to find me. I held out my hands not knowing if he could see. “I’m here! I yelled, “I’m here!” And then there was nothing.
I woke with a jolt; a cold sweat on my brow. I raised a hand to my head and moaned softly at my throbbing temples knowing they hurt because of the nightmare.
I had had my beach dream, that’s what I called it, three nights in a row. But tonight it had ended differently. Usually I just fell to the sand crying, with weight pressing on me, and then I would wake up and cry myself back into a dreamless sleep. But tonight, I had heard Patrick’s voice. It had been coming closer and sounded so desperate.
Shaking my head, I turned my eyes to the clock. Good, it was late enough for me to get up. I was sick of having to just lie in bed and wait for the house to wake. I threw off the covers and placed my feet on the floor. Today was Saturday, that meant it was my first day of work. That should keep you occupied..
I had wanted to start work the day after I got back but Dad forbade it. He had wanted me to catch up on sleep; apparently I had looked too tired. Little did he know I would rather be awake because it was better than having to relive that awful dream over and over again.
My feet fumbled down the stairs and I made my way into the kitchen. No one else was awake yet, I had the house to myself. It was nice to hear the complete quiet. After spending the last three days babysitting Emly, Kaleb, and Justin while the other kids were at school, I was glad to have some quiet time.
I sat down on the couch and flicked the TV on. My finger was trigger happy on the remote and I became easily bored. I ended up watching some stupid infomercials over and over again, about some product that could crack open eggshells for you, until a little hand tapped my curled up legs.
“What you watching Lissie?” It was Justin and I smiled at him. He spoke so much clearer now; I had been disappointed the first time I heard him say my name again. I was no longer Withie anymore.
“Nothing really,” I said and shrugged. Justin walked around and waited for me to move my legs. I did and he climbed onto my lap. “What do you want to watch?”
“Cartoons,” he declared immediately and I searched for the channel I had seen earlier. Once I found Bugs Bunny, I put the remote down. We watched the cartoons and my mind shut down slowly. I was relaxed and nodded off for a few minutes more than once.
The rest of the house woke up slowly, it was Saturday and my parents slept in as late as possible. They were still in bed when Derek and Sean came over for breakfast and as a special treat, all the
kids began to make pancakes and bacon to surprise them when they woke up. When Dad and Jillian finally stumbled out of their room, they were surprised even though I was sure they had been listening to our commotion for the past hour.
The breakfast table was crazy, but it was wonderful at the same time. If I couldn’t have my earlier life, then this is what I would choose.
“Are you ready for work today?” Dad asked while he tried to pry Kaleb’s sticky fingers off a baby spoon.
“Definitely,” I bobbed my head. “It’ll be nice to see everyone again.”
“And you can tell them all about your school in Norway!” Sara yelled from down the table. She was the most enthusiastic about school due to being in first grade, somehow after that first year it just went downhill; at least that’s what I thought.
“Yes, she can tell them all about that,” Jillian was holding Emly who kept squealing randomly to get attention.
“Well, I’m going to get ready. I have to be there in about an hour.” I rose from the table, ruffled Justin’s curls and walked to my room.
_______________
About an hour later, I trudged down the familiar path to the restaurant in my snow boots. They were fuzzy and warm, but I knew I’d rather go barefoot and be just as comfortable. I looked more like a normal citizen of Maine in the middle of winter, with layers of clothing, a warm jacket, and hat and gloves on. This was all for appearance of course. Although, if someone had looked under my clothes and seen the hunting knife I still carried, strapped against my waist in and partially tucked into my jeans, they would have thought I was very odd.
I reached the restaurant in record time due to the anxiety I felt about working today. It wasn’t the customers I was worried about, but had more to do with my cousins and the questions I was sure they would ask. As I walked up the steps that led to the kitchen, I braced myself for what was to come. It seemed like ages since I had passed through the doorway.
Ripples (DROPLETS Trilogy Book 2) Page 4
