A Matter of Trust

by Ciana Stone

  Maxwell stumbled back as she pushed him with both hands. He grabbed her by the wrists. Nikki tugged and jerked, trying to break free but he hung on. She fought harder, her eyes flashing.

  He shoved her back. One of her feet missed the edge of the pier. Maxwell let go of her wrists and she started falling backward. She flailed for something to stop her fall and latched onto his shirt. It was enough to pull him off balance. She went over backwards with him on top of her.

  They hit the water with a tremendous splash. Maxwell surfaced before she did. She came up with her hair covering her face. Spewing, she slung her hair back. He grinned at her and it made her madder. She let out a roar then dove on him, pushing him under. He grabbed her arm and pulled her with him. The war was on.

  Finally, Nikki’s anger gave way to laughter as she realized how stupid they must seem, trying to drown one another. Maxwell looked at her like she was insane which made her laugh harder. Sputtering and giggling, she tried to climb onto the pier, failed and submerged.

  Max grabbed her on either side of her waist and pushed her up then climbed up behind her. They both collapsed on the pier, breathing hard. After a few minutes, Nikki looked over at him. She hadn’t lost her temper like that in a very long time. She wondered how much she’d damaged her chances of ever getting him to talk to her.

  Maxwell turned his head and she didn’t see anger on his face. Hoping that maybe his anger had been expunged along with hers she sat up and extended her hand. After a moment he took it and she pulled him up into a sitting position. Just as it seemed he would smile, he looked away.

  She didn't speak for several minutes. Nikki was wondering what kind of approach she could use to open some kind of dialogue with Maxwell. What common ground did they have? That question was easy to answer. None. He was a spoiled rich boy with a father who was an uncaring bastard, and a mother who was so self-absorbed that she had no care for anyone but herself.

  Maxwell was occupied with negative thoughts. He was very conflicted. He’d eavesdropped on Nikki and his father. They didn’t seem like people who were involved. And she hadn’t said a word to his father about anything he’d done since Richard had been gone, not even destroying the notes she had for her school project or him trying to tackle her or filling her bed with ants. Why was she protecting him?

  Could it be that the staff were wrong about her? They loved to gossip. Maybe because his father had a history of being interested in young women, they just assumed Nikki was the next on his list. Even Simon wouldn’t help, but would only tell him he had to find the truth for himself.

  Maxwell had never felt so confused about a person. He wanted to be around her. He was curious about her. She’d figured prominently in his dreams for a long time, and when he looked in her eyes he felt something he’d never felt before. But he couldn’t be sure, and it was the uncertainty that worried him.

  His secret hope was that she wouldn’t be the same type of person he always found himself saddled with as guardian. He wanted to take her up on the invitations to be together or do things. But he wasn’t sure he was ready for the disappointment if she turned out to be just like everyone else, treating him like some kind of retarded person who couldn’t understand even simple things. It’d be easier just to make her hate him enough that she’d leave. Then he’d be safe and wouldn’t be vulnerable to the feelings he had when he was around her, the longings she caused inside him.

  “It’s very beautiful here.” Nikki cut her eyes in his direction.

  Maxwell started to get up and leave but he was exhausted from fighting his own anxieties. If he really wanted to discover the truth about her, now was as good a time as any. He even considered her comment. To an outsider the estate probably looked different than it did to him. He didn’t see much beauty in his surroundings anymore. A prison was a prison, regardless of how you decorated it.

  Max paid no attention to Nikki or whether she was watching him. . He was too lost in his own misery and confusion. Guilt was gnawing at him for not having the courage to face her until now, and fear at the possibility that facing her now was a big mistake.

  He was afraid of trying to make himself understood. With all the gestures in the world, he couldn’t say what he wanted to say, and he’d watched himself enough in the mirror and in videos he’d shot of himself to know that he looked like an idiot trying to explain even the simplest of concepts with only gestures and expressions to communicate with. He didn’t want to look like an idiot, especially to Nikki.

  Nikki slid over to the edge of the pier, dangling her legs over the side. “You don’t like it here very much, do you?”

  Maxwell didn’t react to the question. She turned and looked up at him. “I don’t want to seem rude, or start another fight, but what’s with you? Is it me? Have I done something to offend you?”

  Maxwell shook his head and looked away “Well, is something bothering you?” she asked. “I’m not big with answers, but I’ve been told I make a pretty good listener.”

  Listener? Maxwell was floored. It hadn’t occurred to him that she didn’t know. He looked at her and saw what he read as sincerity in her face. He also couldn’t help but once more think how beautiful she was. She met his eyes without hesitation and held them. Neither of them could have known how much the other was affected from the look.

  For the first time in a long while, Maxwell felt a surge of courage. Acting before it faded, he pointed to his mouth then shook his head. Nikki’s brows drew together in a frown. He repeated the motion, shaking his head for emphasis. Abruptly, her brows rose and eyes widened.

  “You can’t talk?” She was stunned. She’d been there for nearly a month and no one had told her that he couldn’t speak?

  He nodded and she laughed. She saw the look on his face and reached out to put her hand on his forearm. “I’m sorry. It’s not funny. It’s just that I thought all this time you were just purposely being rude.”

  Relief flooded through him and he returned the smile. Nikki felt the first glimmer of encouragement.

  “You have a nice smile.” She gave his arm a little squeeze then moved her hand away. He stared at her for a moment, then inclined his head in a gesture of thanks and pointed to her, glad that she didn’t know how fast his heart was pounding, or how vulnerable he felt at that moment.

  “Me? What about me?”

  Max pointed to her mouth and smiled. Nikki thought about it. Was he returning the compliment? “Thanks…I think. Listen, Maxwell…” she trailed off. Somehow Maxwell just didn’t roll off her tongue very easily.

  “Say, does everyone call you Maxwell? I mean it’s a great name and all that, but sounds kind of formal. Do you have a nickname?”

  He shook his head. She wondered if she was pushing too hard, but decided to go for it anyway. “Would it be okay if I called you Max?”

  He nodded enthusiastically. No one had ever known but he hated the name Maxwell. He supposed his parents had chosen it to eliminate confusion. His full name was Richard Maxwell Weston, II.

  “Okay, how about we start over?” Nikki smiled again and extended her hand. “Hi, Max. I’m Nikki. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  Max looked at her hand then up at her for a long moment. His heart wasn’t pounding anymore, but it did feel like it was lodged in his throat. Hesitantly, he took her hand. On an impulse he bowed over it with a dramatic little flourish, like a character he’d seen in a movie once.

  “My, how gallant,” she giggled.

  Immediately he tensed. Had he made a fool of himself?

  “Hey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I just thought it was cute.”

  Cute? He’d never imagined how happy it would make him to hear such a thing, or how self-conscious. The smile he gave her was timid.

  She leaned back on one elbow, angling to face him. “Would it be okay if I asked you some questions?”

  He nodded guardedly. What kind of questions?

  “Great, thanks. First, I know you can’t speak, but obviously you can h
ear. Right?”

  He nodded.

  “Could you ever talk?”

  Max didn't react in any way. What was she getting at?

  Nikki’s eyes narrowed and she bit her bottom lip as she thought. “Can you write?”

  He didn’t quite know how to respond and she apparently took his lack of response as an answer. “So you can’t read or write.”

  But I can! He nodded vigorously. Suddenly it was vital that he prove to her he could understand. And he would not have to go against Simon’s warnings by letting her know he could communicate.

  Nikki’s frown returned. “I don’t understand.”

  How do I make you understand? Max thought about it for a second then pantomimed putting on glasses and reading. She didn’t understand, so he did it again. The second time she got the message.

  “You can read?”

  A sense of victory washed through him. He’d made her understand. He nodded.

  Nikki nodded along with him. “Okay, so you can hear and read but you can’t write or talk.”

  He nodded again.

  “Then how do you communicate with your family and friends?”

  Max had no idea how to communicate the fact that he had no friends and his family wasn’t interested in communicating. How could he explain that when he’d tried ASL training some years ago and it looked like it would prove the way he would be able to finally communicate that his parents had suddenly fired the tutors, initiated a fight with him and had him put back into an institution for three months? He got so caught up in trying to answer her questions and make her understand his answers that he forgot to be suspicious about her motives for wanting to know about him.

  It took quite some time and a lot of questions for Nikki to finally understand that Max didn’t have any friends and aside from the people on the estate, didn’t have any contact with anyone.

  “My god! You mean you’ve been here…all this time?”

  He saw the shock on her face and nodded, not realizing that a look of sadness had taken hold of his features.

  “Oh my god, Max. All the loneliness and isolation I’ve felt just being here this long and you…” She put her hand on his arm. “Now I understand.”

  Understand? What? He raised his eyebrows and tapped his temple, tilting his head to one side and making a face. Nikki smiled at him.

  “I mean I understand why you wouldn’t like it here. It’d be like being in jail and never having committed a crime.”

  At that moment, Max felt like someone who’d been granted a lifelong dream. For the first time, someone actually understood something about him. It both elated and frightened him.

  “I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, Max, but I sure would like to,” she said softly.

  I wish I could tell you. Max pointed to his chest and nodded. I wish I knew I could trust you enough to be honest.

  Nikki's hand slid down his arm to take his hand. “Look, I know we’re strangers and we had kind of a rough beginning. But all friends start off as strangers. What do you say we forget about our initial difficulties? If you want to, that is. I’d really like to get to know you and understand. Plus, I have to admit, I have a selfish motive.”

  He felt an acid burn of dread take hold in his stomach. He was sure she was about to drop the bomb and mentally kicked himself for ever allowing himself to get his hopes up that she might actually be interested in him.

  Nikki gave his hand a squeeze and smiled. “Come on, don’t look like that. I’m not talking about stealing the family jewels or anything. What I meant is that I’m really feeling out of place here, surrounded by strangers in an environment that’s completely foreign to me. It’d really help to have someone show me the ropes, so I don’t make a complete fool out of myself. Not to mention the fact that I could really use a friend.”

  My god, she’s lonely. The revelation stunned Max. The breath he’d been holding eased out. He’d never stopped to consider that she might be lonely or ill at ease. The estate was home to him. There wasn’t anything alien or intimidating about it. What made her feel that way? And how could he ask her?

  Tell me. Using a trick he’d seen on television, he made his hand “talk” and then pointed to her.

  “Huh?”

  He did it again. Come on, you can get it.

  “Talk?”

  He nodded.

  “Me talk?”

  He nodded again.

  “Okay, about what?”

  Anything, everything. I don’t care. No, he had to make it simple, so she’d understand. An inspiration hit him and he pointed to her.

  “Me?”

  He nodded and she hesitated for a moment.

  “You want to know about me?”

  All right, touchdown. Again, he nodded.

  “There’s not much to tell.”

  That’s not what your eyes say. Max saw the expression that flitted across her face and the way her eyes changed. She was afraid. Or at least that’s how it seemed to him. It made him even more curious. How could he get her to talk?

  Being what she called cute seemed to work so he rolled his eyes, put his hands prayer-like in front of him, and made a pleading face.

  Nikki smiled at his antics and started telling him about surface things, where she went to school and things like that. Before long she was telling him about her life. It apparently made her uncomfortable to have revealed so much about herself because she suddenly fell silent and looked away.

  Max watched her for a while, thinking how much he admired her. Not just for what she had overcome in her life, but for having the courage to speak about it, to admit her pain and fears. Something inside told him it was not something she did easily and he felt an unusual sense of pride, for having been someone to whom she confided.

  More importantly, he realized that she was not at all like the gossip he’d heard about her from the staff. Unexpectedly, her admissions had granted him something he didn’t expect. He couldn’t explain it, not even to himself, but now he wanted to trust her. More importantly, he wanted her to trust him.

  He reached out and put his hand on her shoulder and she turned to look at him. Your secrets are safe with me, Nikki. He’d never had anyone share things with before but he did understand how much it meant to be able to trust someone.

  He mimicked locking his lips and throwing away the key. Please trust me. I won’t betray you.

  Nikki smiled and tilted her head so that her cheek was against the back of his hand as it rested on her shoulder.

  “Thanks,” she whispered. “It’s kind of scary letting someone in. I don’t even know why I told you those things.”

  Max didn’t know how to let her know that she didn’t have to be scared. Not in the way he wanted to, anyway. That would require a lot of words. And maybe the only reason she’d told him was because he couldn’t share her secrets with anyone else.

  He made like he was trying to talk but couldn’t and she shook her head. “I know you can’t talk. Oh, no, no, it doesn’t have anything to do with you not being able to talk. That’s not why I trusted you. It’s something else…”

  She lowered her eyes as she trailed off. Max wiggled his fingers beneath her cheek resting on his hand and she looked up again

  For a long moment she just stared at him. She was terrified to speak the truth and afraid if she didn’t it would ruin everything.

  “Oh god, Max, I don’t know how to explain it so that it’d make sense—or sound believable—not even to myself. It’s…it’s a little embarrassing.”

  He acted out locking his lips and crossing his heart and hoped she got it. No matter what she said it was safe with him.

  She smiled slightly and lowered her eyes. “This will sound crazy, but for the last year I’ve been having these dreams. Well at first they were dreams. Then they started happening when I was awake—like waking dreams but more real—they…wipe out reality. Does that sound insane?” She looked up to meet his eyes.

  Max shook his head,
feeling a lump form in his throat. It was like she was talking about his life instead of her own.

  “Max…” She looked away again. “In all those dreams and visions, there’s one constant element. You.”

  Max’s heart leapt in his chest. This could not be a coincidence. How could he have been having visions of her and she of him? It had to mean something. But what?

  He pointed to himself and raised his eyebrows.

  “Yes, you. I dream of you.”

  The way she said “I dream of you,” the tone of her voice, it made his breath catch in his throat. It was too much to wish for that the feeling he thought he heard was actually felt. He could not allow himself to hope for such a thing.

  But the need to trust, Max understood. Feeling safe enough to let someone else know things that frighten or hurt you was what he’d always wanted. He’d never been given the opportunity before. He’d never seen anything in anyone’s eyes before that made him want to trust them. Not until now. Looking into Nikki’s eyes made him feel as if he had finally found someone who was worthy of trust simply because she was as vulnerable, afraid and insecure as he.

  And more than that, they were connected in a way he didn’t understand. For whatever reason, whatever quirk of fate was at work, they’d dreamed of each other. He wondered if her dreams had been half as passionate as his.

  He pointed to himself and then to her. She thought about it for a few moments.

  “I don’t understand.”

  Max acted out being asleep then opened his eyes and touched his forehead then pointed to her.

  “You…you dream of me?”

  He nodded and smiled shyly.

  “Oh my god,” she breathed. “How is that possible?”

  Suddenly she was seized with uncertainty. She’s shouldn’t have told him. What was wrong with her? She leaned back on her elbows, looking over the water. Was it relief at his apparent change of heart and improved behavior that had made her so loose lipped? Or maybe it was having spent these last long weeks at the estate feeling like an unwanted guest.