Loving Lucy

by Lynne Connolly

  “Don’t be. You can’t think properly after such a shock as you’ve had. You’ve been invaded - violated - how can you think at all? But I swear I won’t let that happen to you again. Just remember that I’m your friend, I’ll always come if you want me. Nothing else. I know you’re not for me, I’m used to that now, but to have your friendship means a great deal. And we are friends, are we not?”

  “Oh yes.” She was certain of that at least. “How do you know you love me?”

  He smiled. “I don’t know. I just do. When I look at you it makes me happy, gives me a feeling of contentment and restlessness all at the same time. I didn’t ask for it - but I’ve learned to live with it.”

  Gently he lowered her until she lay against the pillows, making sure her hurts weren’t paining her too much. “You look tired. Sleep safe.” He kissed her forehead gently, bent down to pick up the basin, and left her.

  He was right. She fell asleep almost at once.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Because she had slept so early, Lucy woke early the next morning. When she turned her head on the pillow, she saw Philip, head lolling against the back of the upholstered chair, sleeping peacefully, noiselessly. She lay still, anxious not to disturb him, and put her mind to thinking.

  When she had woken up, when she had seen him, the wave of warmth, of happiness had been unmistakable. She had thought it was so yesterday but then she was still confused, despairing. Her torrent of tears last night had washed a lot of that away. It would always be there somewhere, but she was determined now that it shouldn’t control her life. And she would never marry Geoffrey Sanders, never.

  How could she have been so blind? She thought of him, remembered how she had felt with him. Safe, cherished. She’d never felt that with Geoffrey, only, in the early days, a feverish excitement. But there was more here. Looking at his chest rising and falling with his breathing she wanted to touch it, wanted him to hold her again. And wanted to care for him, too. Could that be love? Not that fleeting thrill she had felt when Geoffrey kissed her but this deep, quiet, abiding feeling? Her mother’s prejudices gone, she looked at him anew. And knew it was so. They had spent a lot of time together when they had been young, and she supposed she had fallen into the habit of looking on him as her erstwhile playmate, but he had grown into a very attractive man, very popular, and not just for his new earldom. She knew him as she had never known Geoffrey. That, she saw now, had been a passing fancy, an infatuation. She wondered how many infatuations had grown into bad marriages, now the marriage market was an established thing and young people were allowed to choose for themselves, within reason. And how many had grown and blossomed into a livelong partnership, like the one she wanted now.

  There was something she could do for him, and perhaps it was something she could also do for herself. She knew Philip would never presume on their situation now, unless she forced it, so she pushed her maidenly modesty aside and decided to act. Now, when they were forced into unnatural intimacy, before society regained its hold over both of them. Her head was clear, her mind made up. She only wondered how it had taken her so long to work it out.

  Feeling the need to use the necessary, she slipped out of bed and made her way to the tiny powder room, the only other room they had been assigned. Although she tried to be quiet, when she returned he was awake.

  They looked at each other for a moment and then smiled. Lucy was certain now. The warmth that filled her was unmistakable. “Good morning,” she said. “You couldn’t have slept well on that tiresome chair, but I hope you got some sleep.”

  “I’ve slept on floors before. I can manage.” Throwing back his blanket, he revealed himself in shirt and pantaloons, now sadly creased without his valet to help him. The shirt was open at the neck, the formality of a stock or neckcloth dispensed with. He stood up and went into the little room, while Lucy got back into bed.

  When he came back ten minutes later, Lucy saw he had changed into a fresh shirt and shaved. He seemed much brighter. “I’ll ring for breakfast.”

  Breakfast was very quick in coming. It must be ready downstairs. Lucy ate from a tray on her bed. The conversation was kept determinedly mundane, but the maid brought a newspaper up with the breakfast this time, and while he ate Philip perused it for news.

  He found something.

  Glancing at Lucy, he read out,

  The Dowager Lady Royston would like it known that her daughter, Lady Lucinda Moore, has gone into the country to recover from a severe chill. No serious effects are expected, and the proposed marriage to Sir Geoffrey Sanders will take place as arranged.

  “Strange she should choose the same excuse we did,” Lucy commented, her voice carefully devoid of expression.

  “Not really,” he replied, in the same conversational tones. “It’s a common excuse. That and the headache.” They looked at each other and smiled, for no particular reason.

  He glanced back at the paper, shaking the pages flat. “Some account of where your wedding breakfast will take place for the benefit of the curious. Nothing else. Your mother has managed to keep your flight secret.”

  “She must be so worried.” She clasped her hands together tightly. “Should I not write to her?”

  “No,” he said firmly. “When they find you - and they must be looking - they’ll try to make you marry Sir Geoffrey. The contract is still in force.”

  “How can I cancel it?”

  His voice held regret. “It has to be cancelled with the agreement of both parties, but there is another way.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Wait until after your proposed wedding day. Keep hidden. Then the day after, the contract will be void and you’ll no longer be bound to him.” He looked up from the paper. “We could go through with it, go and see your mother, defy her and refuse to marry Sir Geoffrey. A marriage which doesn’t have the free consent of both parties isn’t valid, you know.” He frowned. “But there will be a lot of dust kicked up, and I’m not sure you can cope with it all at the moment. He’ll be bound to sue you for breach of contract. He might do that anyway, but we may be able to find a way to dissuade him from taking that course.”

  Lucy opened her mouth to protest, to say she was quite capable of denying her mother if he supported her, but then she thought of something else. Something she could not accept. Philip’s plan of hiding until after the wedding day would go along with that, would be better all round. Had he thought of it? She wasn’t sure. “But where can I go? I’m bound to say I think that’s the best option. I don’t think I can trust Geoffrey to keep his side and sign away my fortune. He’ll create trouble, perhaps sue me for breach of contract. But there aren’t many places I can go. And now,” she added, “I’m as poor as a church mouse.”

  She looked comically crestfallen which made him burst into laughter. “I think we’ll manage. Even if you don’t have access to your funds, I can get at mine. But,” he continued, frowning, “I can’t take you to the Grange, or anywhere else near the fashionable world. The news would get back to her, try as we might to stop it. And if we’re discovered here or anywhere like it, your honour will be compromised entirely, and I won’t have that. No, you must be somewhere you can live in perfect propriety. I want you free to make your own decisions this time, not hemmed in by what is expected of you.”

  The look he gave her was frank and tender. He wasn’t even trying to hide his love now, and she respected him for it. She knew what he said was important to him, and knew better than to argue. He came over to the bed and took the tray away. After he’d put it outside the room, he came back to her. “You’re not to worry. We’ll think of something.” He fetched a bowl of warm water, then sat on the edge of the bed and gave her that wry smile she was learning to love. “I’m afraid it’s that time again.”

  It was what she was waiting for. This was her chance, and she was determined upon it. Lucy rolled on to her front, let him pull down the bedcovers and lift her night gown, she heard him wring the cloth out in the water
and dab at the wounds on her upper back.

  Then she held her breath to brace herself against the inevitable sting, and turned over. Instead of bathing her wounds, his hands now cradled her breasts. Delighted her ploy had turned out so well, Lucy smiled up at him.

  As though scalded, he pulled his hands away, dropped the cloth and closed his eyes. “No, Lucy.” he breathed, his voice hardly higher than a whisper.

  “Yes.” She reached for his hand. “Please, Philip.”

  He opened his eyes and with an effort, looked only at her face. When he would have drawn the covers back up over her, she stopped him. “Philip, I want you to make love to me.”

  “No Lucy. You don’t know what you’re asking, I can’t do this.”

  She had no patience with that. “Of course I know. I want to know what it should be like, and who better than you to show me? And - and there’s something else.” He stayed silent, looking at her face. So she went on, and tried to explain. “Philip, I’m in love with you.”

  He shook his head. “Delayed shock. You want a man to be kind to you, and I was.”

  She still held his hands tight in hers. “No, I thought of that this morning, but it started when I saw you in Mr. Chumleigh’s office, before this happened. I can’t explain - perhaps it’s because I’ve seen so little of you in recent years. But I realised then how much I’d missed your company - and there was something else I didn’t want to admit.” She paused, trying to find the words to persuade him. “But now I do. I love you Philip, please believe me. I think I’ve loved you for years, but when my mother poured venom into my ears, I did as I was told, and ignored the empty feeling when I didn’t see you any more.”

  When he looked at her he saw an appeal, and his own love reflected there for him. This couldn’t be true; he’d made himself think of her in a different way, hoped for her friendship, nothing else. But what he saw in her face finally convinced him there was something else for him, something more. He’d seen that expression on his own face in the mirror too often to mistake it. He could bear it no longer. “Lucy my love.” He leaned forward and kissed her.

  This kiss felt right. Lucy released his hands and put hers around his neck, relaxed into the kiss. He lay next to her, held her, kissed her again and again. Each kiss was more passionate, more needy, and she responded. It shouldn’t be this easy, but it felt right, as nothing before ever had. His hand slid up from her waist to her breast, and she sighed with pleasure. He couldn’t deny her this. He couldn’t deny himself.

  Sensations Lucy had never felt before, thrills passed through her at his touch, and when Philip bent his head, kissing her throat and her breasts until her nipples hardened with her need for him, she was sure she was in heaven. He drew back, sat up but when she reached for him he smiled and pulled his shirt off over his head, then unbuttoned his pantaloons and slid them down his body, taking off everything else at the same time. She pulled off her nightgown and cast it aside. She thought he was beautiful, his strong body shaded with dark hair, on the backs of his arms, on his chest, and she longed to feel him next to her.

  He paused, looked at her, and she revelled in his gaze on her because he so obviously took such pleasure from it. “Lucy if you have any doubts you must say so now.” His voice wasn’t entirely steady. “Because if I touch you again I won’t be able to stop.”

  For an answer she took his hand and put it on her stomach, holding it there with her own. He didn’t move for a moment, just looked at her, trying, she thought, to make sure she really meant it before he lay down next to her and took her into his arms.

  They lay together for what seemed like forever, and he caressed her, smoothed his hands over her. Everywhere she felt her need for him. He stroked her body, kissed her, told her, “You’re truly beautiful, my love, my dearest love,” before he moved over her and entered her with insistent but gentle pressure.

  How different from before! This was no violation, no unwanted invasion but a sought for and welcome thing. Lucy sighed with happiness when she felt him begin to move inside her and kissed his neck. He turned his head and looked at her, a trace of anxiety in his gaze. “Does it hurt? Should I stop?”

  She shook her head, smiled. “I love you Philip.” This urged him to greater exertions to bring her that bliss which was her birthright.

  A warmth within her grew and grew until she cried out, and she heard him say, “Lucy! Sweet love, I’ll take care of you, let me look after you now.”

  “Yes, yes, Philip. No one else, only you.” Then, beyond words, she cried out in the ultimate ecstasy.

  Only it wasn’t quite the ultimate. He had enough self control, enough love for her to increase her joy, keep her on that plateau of delight for a little while longer before achieving his own release, crying out her name as he reached his ascendancy, pulling away just before he lost his seed inside her.

  It seemed to Lucy that stars exploded around them. Then she opened her eyes and met his blue gaze with a wondering one of her own.

  He slid to one side of her and gathered her up; careful even now not to let his arms rest on the worst of her wounds. He knew where they were; nobody better.

  “Oh Lucy, never like that, never before,” he whispered, and kissed her tenderly.

  She smiled at him, but said nothing, completely beyond words.

  She felt herself drifting into sleep, but forced herself awake only to hear him tell her; “Sleep if you want to, my darling. I’m not going anywhere.” She felt the covers gently drawn up around them and she let herself slide into sleep in his arms.

  ***

  Lucy woke to a wonderful feeling of safety, Philip’s arms still around her. She didn’t know how long she had slept, but she guessed not long. She lay listening to the sounds outside; the cries of the ostlers, constantly busy with the coming and going of the horses in their care, the sound of hooves on cobbles, the inevitable shouts of the vendors, a sound she hardly noticed she was so used to it.

  But this was different somehow, a new beginning, a new awakening. She felt fresh. She leaned over and kissed his chest, felt him move.

  “Sweetheart?” She heard his soft voice and looked up to receive his kiss. They looked at each other, smiling. “I can’t regret this,” he told her “Even if it never comes again, I will have had this.”

  “It will happen again,” she said. “Until you’re tired of me.”

  “That will never happen.” He kissed her again. “More than I ever hoped for,” he said, his lips against hers.

  “I didn’t know I could feel like that,”

  “Like what? Tell me.”

  “So happy - all over.” she said,

  She made him laugh. “I’d like to make you feel happy all over again. But first - I really should look at your wounds. I never did bathe them properly for you.”

  She smiled and turned on her stomach for him. Philip sat up among the rumpled sheets and looked. “You have the most delectable bottom. I tried very hard not to notice it.”

  She laughed. “Well now you can notice it all you like.” He touched her very gently, the lover’s touch so different from the nurse’s touch of yesterday. “They’re healing well. I think we can leave them to get better on their own now.”

  “Will they scar?”

  “I don’t know. Not on your shoulders, but perhaps here.” He touched the top of her legs lightly, then let his hand move up to her bottom. “Delectable,” he repeated, and bent to kiss her there.

  She laughed and turned back on to her side. “They feel much better.”

  “Perhaps I should kiss them all, but to keep you with me I’ll do it one at a time, perhaps at the rate of one a month.”

  “Do you really think you could put up with me for that long?”

  “For the rest of my life,” he assured her. He gazed at her face, all the love he had for her on open display. “You know I’m going to ask you to marry me? Is it too soon? Would you like to wait?”

  She was mildly surprised. “Ask? Don’t you expec
t it now?”

  “I have no right to expect anything from you. Only what you’re prepared to give me. I shouldn’t have done this, I know it, but - “

  She waited for a still moment. “That’s why I won’t say yes immediately. I won’t have his child take the title.”

  “It might be mine. I tried to make it less likely, but there’s always a chance.”

  “I’ll take that risk, if you agree.” She took his hand and looked up into his face, trying to make him see how sincere she was, that she wasn’t to be moved on this decision. “It’s not just your title, it belonged to my father. I can’t risk the child of a man like Geoffrey Sanders inheriting what my father once held, and now you. The two men I love most and the one I hate most! No, Philip, it won’t do. If I’m pregnant, I’ll go away in the time honoured fashion, perhaps to take the waters at Spa. Then I’ll come back. I have enough money to see that the child is well cared for, if there is one, so even if it is yours it won’t suffer.”

  “Lucy. Can’t you forget its parentage? I’ll care for it; I don’t care where it started. And what if it’s a girl?”

  She smiled. “There’s no way of knowing that, is there? A girl or a boy can be adopted at a later date. People will talk, but they won’t be able to prove anything. If it was a second child, I might consider your offer, but not for the heir. I won’t have that man’s progeny celebrated. You must see how much I would hate it. I don’t think I could live with that, not after what he did.”

  “But you won’t do this alone.” he said, sure of that, at least.

  “Thank you. It’s more than I deserve.”

  “Fustian.” He pulled her up into his arms. “It’s a selfish gesture on my part. I want you, Lucy; I don’t want anyone else to have you. If you feel you have to do this, then I won’t argue, but I will insist that I’m there in some capacity to help you.” He kissed her, forestalling any argument. “And I’ll still be asking you to marry me, right up until the moment you say yes. Won’t you marry me now? Give me the right to care for you? That would void the contract for sure, but it would give me the right to deal with it for you, stand by your side while it’s sorted out.”