by Alexis Gold
“I’m so glad I heard this. I might never have known the truth. I might never have known that you couldn’t be further from what and who I thought you were. You are unequivocally the worst woman I have ever known in my life.” He raised his hand and pointed his finger toward her, and she felt as if he had stabbed it straight through her heart as he almost growled at her.
“I don’t ever want to hear from you again. I never want to see your face, and I better never hear anyone else ever talking about this game you played with me.” He shook his head and began to turn away when suddenly Mia found her voice.
“Alexander wait!” she cried out, and his eyes sliced back to hers.
“Don’t speak my name. Don’t say anything at all to me. I am not human to you, and I can see that now. No one with a heart would ever treat another person the way that you treated me. I am not a toy or a tool or a chess piece in your sex game to be used and tossed aside when you are finished with me. I am a man. I was a friend, and I was a lover to you, and those relationships should count for something; they should mean something to you, but they don’t. They are worthless to you, and you’ve shown me that I am worth nothing more than a travel ticket to you. We’re done here. There’s nothing you need to say to me.” He turned and began to walk out of her office, but she bolted for him and gripped his muscled arm tightly with her hand. Everything in her had suddenly jumped to action as he turned to leave, and every part of her that had been frozen was ignited with life and fire, and everything in her was determined to stop him from leaving.
“Alexander! Don’t go! Please, let me explain! It might have started out like that, but it changed! It’s not like that now!” she gushed anxiously, trying to get him to turn and face her so that she could explain to him what was really going on inside of her heart and mind.
He turned his head to look at her and the anger and pain his eyes felt like a lethal blow straight to her heart. He yanked his arm from her grasp and said with a guttural voice, “Don’t touch me.” Then he turned and strode from the room, and as she watched him leave, she felt everything in her sink straight into hell. She swayed where she stood, her hand lifting to cover her mouth as tears flooded her eyes and began to pour down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure she was ever going to be able to breathe again.
Maddie ran up to her and closed her arms around her, holding her up and embracing her tightly. “Mia! You’re going to be okay, it’s going to be okay.” She said firmly, walking Mia over to the chair at the desk. She said Mia down and held her as Mia began to sob into her hands, her breath ragged.
“I’m so sorry honey! I didn’t know he was here. I didn’t know anyone was here except the two of us. I’m so sorry…” she repeated in a whisper. “Mia, it’s going to be all right. We’ll work this out.”
Maddie held her tight and rubbed her hand over Mia’s back and shoulders, but Mia felt like she was exactly who he had said she was. She felt like she might very well be the worst woman in the world, and no consolation could amend that.
Chapter8
The days seemed to pass so slowly for Mia, each of them feeling as if it was lasting a century, but that was nothing compared to how long the nights were. Try as she might, she could not get Alexander from her dreams. She could not keep herself from trying to find him, from trying to talk with him, from kissing him and feeling him take her and make love with her. She woke up each morning with deepened heartache and renewed guilt, and her friends had taken to trying almost anything that they could think of to cheer her up.
A week after he left her weeping in her office, Maddie rang her doorbell, and Mia answered it, dressed in her jeans and a light blouse.
Maddie frowned as she looked Mia up and down. “You look good, but you look a little tired. Are you sleeping?”
Mia shrugged. “Some. It’s not really restful sleep,” she answered quietly. She didn’t want to admit to Maddie that she wasn’t sleeping alone in her dreams, and that they were volleying between passion with Alexander and pain in trying to find him and talk with him. Her dreams of passion with him could never compare to the real thing; he was the best lover she had ever known, and she’d lost him. No matter what she remembered in her head, her body reminded her that it was nothing compared to being with him.
“Well are you eating? You look a little thin.” Maddie’s eyes moved over Mia’s figure and then met Mia’s face again.
Mia nodded slightly. “Of course I’m eating. I haven’t yet today, but I am.” Another half-truth. She had been eating now and then, but she had no appetite for full meals. She had almost no appetite at all, but she knew she had to sustain herself, so she made herself eat healthy basics.
“Well, we’re going shopping and then we’re going to meet Liam for a champagne brunch. Ava can’t come, she’s off visiting her mother.” Maddie spoke as she waited for Mia to pick up her purse and walk out of the door with her.
Maddie’s words lodged in Mia’s head. A champagne brunch. Champagne. Her mind took her back to the picnic in Central Park… Alexander pouring champagne for them, the way he looked rowing the boat, their heated kisses on the bank. She thought of the dinner they had shared on his rooftop and the champagne he had poured there. The violinist, the dancing, the night of fiery passion in his bed… in his arms, where she would never be again. She swallowed hard and forced her mind back to Maddie, trying to focus on whatever her friend had been talking about.
They visited several shops and boutiques in Maddie’s favorite neighborhood, browsing through everything from clothes, hats, and shoes, to perfumes and jewelry. There was a lingerie shop that Maddie almost walked into with Mia, until she saw the look on Mia’s face, and they opted to pass the shop for a cappuccino at a café instead.
By the time they were heading to Carly’s to meet Liam for their brunch, Mia had managed to keep Alexander off of her mind for a portion of the morning, and it had felt like a small victory to her, though she still didn’t feel much better about herself.
She had been berating herself since the moment he left her office, wondering when her morals and values had dropped so low that she would stoop to such a thing, using another person the way that she had used him, and for no reason other than to satisfy the curiosity of strangers about his body. She felt beyond wretched about doing it, and about who she had become, and keeping that off of her mind was almost impossible.
Liam welcomed them both with open arms and spring flowers, and they hugged him in return, happy to see him as well. Mia took her seat after kissing his cheek and she lifted the little bouquet of flowers he’d given her to her nose. They were sweetly fragrant, and in her mind she was suddenly back in the row boat with Alexander, drifting beneath the blossoming trees in Central Park as the pink and white blossoms swirled all around her.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, determined to spend her time with her friends focused on them rather than on herself and Alexander. She took a deep breath and set the flowers at her side, looking up with a small smile at Liam and Maddie.
Liam smiled at them both. “So how was shopping? Did you find anything that you couldn’t live without?”
Maddie answered his question, going into detail about the various treasures that had been discovered during their shopping mission. When she had exhausted her story telling, he turned to Mia.
“What about you? Anything good today?” he asked, reaching his hand over to hers to hold it for a moment.
She shrugged. “Nothing I had to take home, although Maddie was fairly positive that I should never have left a cute little red cloche hat that I found, but that was all,” she answered him, but spoke simply and softly and he watched her carefully.
When she had finished speaking, he took a breath and rubbed his fingers over her hand. “How are you doing? Really doing?” he asked, his eyes penetrating hers.
All of the emotion that she had been able to keep just barely held back beneath the surface came rushing at her and she choked on it. Blinking furiously, she raised her h
and to her face and closed her eyes, taking in a long slow breath.
Liam nodded. “I see,” he said quietly, handing a mimosa to her. “Here, drink this.” He fairly forced it into her hand and she took it without a word, tipping it back and emptying half of it in a few swallows. The glass was empty within moments and she set it back down on the table and took another deep breath.
“Darling, you are in such a horrible spot right now, but you are right in the middle of it, and I can promise you that there is an end to it, and the end of it will come. There will be a day, hopefully sooner rather than later, that you do not feel so much pain and sadness. That day is coming. You need to hold on for it. It will happen. I guarantee it,” he promised her, handing her another glass of mimosa. She sipped at it instead of downing it swiftly.
“Have you heard from him at all?” Liam asked softly.
She shook her head and stared at her drink, raising her eyes slowly to meet his. “How is the job going at his office? Do you… do you see him?” she asked just above a whisper.
He shook his head subtly. “No sweetie, the job is done. I haven’t heard from him at all.”
Mia nodded silently and gave him a halfhearted smile, going back to her mimosa.
Liam reached his hand over to her chin and lifted it so that she found herself looking at him. “Mia, you need to start dating other guys. Lots of other guys. Stat. Do you hear me?” he asked, his eyes as serious as his voice.
She nodded and tried to give him a small smile. “I know you’re right. I will.”
He smiled back for her. “Good. That’s the perfect remedy for this. Someone who can cheer you up. Get back out there honey, and do it soon.” He looked at her pointedly and she nodded.
“I will,” she promised.
Their brunch cheered her some, and by the time she got back to her apartment, she did feel a little better. She tried to distract herself as much as she could through the remainder of the day, barely keeping him on the edge of her thoughts, but as the sky darkened around the city, she wasn’t able to focus on anything but him. She told herself over and over that she shouldn’t call him, that she shouldn’t even be thinking about him, but there was so much that she wanted to say to him, so many things that she wanted to tell him about how sorry she was and how she regretted what she had done.
Somewhere in her she felt as if she had come to a fork in her own road and she couldn’t go any further until the tangle of the mess she had made with him was resolved one way or another, and she didn’t feel that it could be resolved until he let her explain what had happened. She told herself that it didn’t even matter what happened after her explanation; whether he ever spoke to her again or not, just so long as he really knew the truth about how things had changed after she had gotten to know him. She believed that as long as he knew that, she would feel some kind of peace, and she could move on without him and not be so caught up in him as she was. She was desperate to move ahead, to try to fix what she had done, and as she sat in the cushioned softness of her bed, she closed her eyes and held her phone in her hand, praying that she would be able to find the right words to say, whatever they might be, to make him call her back and listen to her; even if it was just over the phone.
Mia dialed his number and her heart raced in her chest as the line began to ring. She didn’t breathe as it continued to ring, unanswered. Her mind was racing with scenarios and questions. What if he answered? What if he was cold and mean? What if he didn’t answer? Should she leave him a voicemail? What would she say? The line continued to ring. She wondered if his ringer was on or if he was ignoring her. He had told her he never wanted to talk with her again. She was sure he meant it, but she just had to explain everything. Her call went to his voicemail.
His deep voice sounded in her ear. It was friendly and professional, and she bit her lip as tears stung the back of her eyes at hearing the familiar sweetness of it. The beep sounded. She took a deep breath and began to speak.
“Alexander, it’s Mia. Please listen to this whole message. I just needed to call you to talk with you. I know what happened is horrible, and I am so sorry about it all, but I need to tell you… to explain to you what really happened. There’s more to it than you know, and it did start out like you heard, and that was a terrible thing for me to do, but it changed as I got to know you. I changed… And I’m different now, and I need you to know that what happened between us—” there was a beep and the voicemail ended. She closed her eyes in frustration and hung up.
She had left him something at least. It was nowhere near what she wanted it to be; she hadn’t explained anything at all to him really, but she also had done much more than she had since the day he walked out of her office; she had tried. She had reached out to him, and in the deepest darkest part of her heart; the part where she hurt the most about what she had done and what he had said, she began to feel a little lighter. She was changing, and she was making an effort, and though it was a little change, it was something. It was a step in the right direction.
Mia sighed and put her phone on the nightstand beside her bed. Maybe he would listen to it and decide to give her a chance to explain. Maybe he would just listen to it and delete it. Maybe he wouldn’t listen to it at all, but at least it was there and she had made an effort, and he would at least have to acknowledge that. He would know that she was thinking about him, that she was sorry, that it mattered to her what she had done to him; that he mattered to her, and that she was somehow trying to make things right, no matter how it ended up.
Chapter9
Cocktails at Carly’s had three of the four friends talking about their latest romantic escapades as usual, and though Mia was doing her best to keep her head in the conversation, she struggled with thoughts of Alexander, and did her best to keep anyone from seeing it, but her friends all saw through it.
Ava sighed and tipped her head a little. “Still worrying about him? Mia, I met a guy a couple of days ago that you might like. His name is Brian. He’s super hot looking, and a terrible flirt. I think he’d be fun for you to play with for a little while. Would you like his number?” she asked. “He’s really charming.”
Mia shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said offhandedly. She wasn’t feeling quite up to dating strangers, though she knew she had told them that she would.
Ava frowned. “Honey, you can’t keep letting this Mr. Big guy put you in a funk. Seriously. He’s gone. It’s over. He found out and he was mad and it’s over. You’re still here with us, you’re still a gorgeous successful businesswoman and you are still one plane ride away from going to Italy. Your life is not terrible right now. You just had a big bump in your road, and you need to get past it. You can’t hold on to it. So, let it go. No good can possibly come from you holding on to any of what has already passed, especially that whole thing. So let go and find some hot guy to have a fling with, get some good sex, have a few laughs, and enjoy yourself. Life is too short to spend any time being miserable. You need to put some good positive things back into your life.”
Mia looked up at her and realized that she was right. Ava didn’t often have a good point to make, but she certainly did at that moment and Mia was struck by it. “You know what, Ava? You’re right. There isn’t anything good that can come of holding on to any of it. I have been miserable, and I don’t have to be. I don’t even know why I’m holding on to it… I guess I just feel so bad… so miserable about what I did.” She lowered her voice a little at the end.
Maddie gave her head a shake. “What good is that guilt doing? Does he even know how you feel? Does he know you’re wallowing in it? Does he care? No. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care. The only one here who is being affected by it is you, and it’s not doing you a damn bit of good, and it’s not fixing anything or making you a better person, so just let it go. Now, I know that you chose to accept the challenge, but we are all three the ones who put you up to it, so we’re just as much to blame for acting below the morality line, aren’t we? You weren’t
the only one in that whole mess. Ava’s right. Let it go. Go do what makes you happy and move on. Move forward. Don’t carry this crap around with you everywhere. Okay?” She looked at Mia pointedly.
Mia nodded and gave the first genuine smile she’d had since Alexander walked out of her office. “Okay. I’ll do that. I’m going to do it. Thank you… all of you, for being so strong and supportive of me. I love you,” she told them, looking around at all of them. She promised herself that she would not carry the guilt with her any longer; it wasn’t doing her a bit of good, and Alexander wasn’t even around to appreciate that she was wallowing in guilt, so there was no point in doing it whatsoever.
She went home that night feeling a lot better, though she was still sad that he was gone. She slipped into a hot bubble bath, and though she tried to talk herself out of it, she wound up listening to his old messages on her voicemail. There were three of them, and she had listened to them countless times in the week that had passed since he’d left. She knew every moment of them, and as she listened over and over, she closed her eyes and soaked in his voice; his deep happy sweet voice, asking her for her time and company.
The messages took her back to a time when everything was all right; when he wanted to be with her and talk with her, when he wanted to kiss her and hold her, before everything was ruined. She finally sighed and ended the call to her voicemail, knowing that she would have to delete the messages if she was going to move on, but still allowing herself one more night with them before she wiped them from her phone.
