by Ryan Field
Then one hot afternoon while Jim was floating on a raft in the pool, his father came home from work early and went outside to talk to him. The conversation began with a civil tone. His father smiled and said he deserved a little time off after working so hard in Princeton. Jim barely glanced up him, which made his father’s tone drop. He clenched his fists at one point and told Jim it was time to get up off his ass, start acting like an adult, and get busy working on getting accepted in law school.
Jim squinted through the afternoon sun and glanced up at his father. “But we decided I’d take some time off first. If I go to law school I’ll begin next year in September.” He still hadn’t taken entrance exams or been accepted anywhere. He hadn’t even started to study for the entrance exams. His father made going to law school sound so simple and Jim knew it was anything but that.
His father’s eyebrows went up. “What do you mean if you go to law school? I thought you’d decided you would go. I was assuming when you said you’d take a year off you’d spend that time trying to get accepted into a good law school, taking entrance exams, and doing some kind of part time work at the firm. I didn’t expect you to lounge around the house for a year doing nothing. We need to discuss this further, Jim. I’m getting the feeling you’re living in some kind of a fantasy world.”
Jim thought for a moment: his world at that point revolved around Len Mayfield. He wiped cold water across his hot face. “I was thinking I might move to Los Angeles and take a job there. I have a friend from school who does public relations work out there. I’m just thinking about all my options. Law school isn’t out of the question.” He couldn’t tell his father all he wanted to do was suck Len Mayfield’s dick for the rest of his life. He couldn’t tell his father he wanted Len to get divorced so he could marry him and become Mrs. Len Mayfield. He’d fantasized so often about marrying Len in a gay wedding he’d even scribbled the name Jim Mayfield all over a notebook in his desk. He threw the notebook out right after he’d scribbled this because he didn’t want anyone to find it.
When Jim’s father heard about Jim’s confusing plans, his face grew so red he turned and headed back to the house. They didn’t discuss it again. And Jim made no definite plans to do anything. He continued to lounge at the pool and ride the horses during the day. At night he’d sneak out and meet Len somewhere private and they would make love until the muscles between his legs ached from being stretched too far apart. Then he would sneak back into the house, wearing Len’s cowboy hat, and fall into bed and dream about what Len had just done to him.
Two weeks after Jim and his father talked about his future, Jim was in the pool when he heard people approach. He was floating on the raft; he didn’t bother to look up to see who it was.
When they moved closer to the pool, Jim’s father looked down and said, “I hope we’re not disturbing you. Len and Janice Mayfield came over to play bridge. It was very impromptu. Your mother got it in her head to play and she called them up.” Radcliff spoke with his overly friendly fake tone he used around his friends.
Jim felt tightness in his stomach. His head went up fast. As he squinted up at the four people standing over him, his mother said, “There are some leftovers in the kitchen if you get hungry, dear. We just came out to say hello.”
Jim forced a smile and nodded to Mrs. Mayfield. Then he looked up at Len and said, “Hello, Mr. Mayfield.”
Len smiled and said, “Hello, Jim. It’s so hot out I wish I could jump in there and join you.”
Jim wished Len could join him. But he remained calm and distanced. In spite of his beating heart and the blood rushing through his veins, he turned his head, rested it on the raft, and said, “I was just ready to get out.”
As they turned toward the house, Len glanced back and said, “See you later Jim.”
Though Jim didn’t know Len was playing bridge with his mother and father that night, he’d already planned to meet Len at a hotel at midnight. He didn’t lift his head or turn. “Have fun everyone.” He was amazed at how calm and relaxed Len was in front of his parents. Here they were having the affair of a lifetime that no one knew about and Len didn’t even have a slight quiver in his voice. Jim decided he would take the back stairs up to his room to shower. He would avoid them playing bridge at all cost.
After he had an avocado sandwich, he took a nap from seven at night until about ten. He woke up, watched some TV, and then went to his bathroom to shower for his rendezvous with Len at midnight. But while he was standing in front of the mirror trying to get his hair to fall into place, he heard a knock on the bathroom door. He jumped back and dropped his blow dryer.
“I’m just checking in,” his mother said. “Len and Janice Mayfield went home and dad and I are going to bed now. We’re exhausted.”
At least she knocked this time. He’d forgotten to lock his bedroom door and he wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d just walked in on him while he was naked. He took a quick breath and picked up his blow dryer. “Okay, mom,” he said. “Good night.”
She didn’t leave right away. He saw her shadow in the doorway. She remained outside the bathroom and said, “I hate to pry into your life, Jim. But I’ve been wondering where you go every night. Who are these friends you’ve been running around with? Are they local people? Do I know their parents?”
Helen Darling always wanted to know if Jim’s friends came from good families. This was the first time he’d never brought his friends home. He wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the bathroom door. When he walked into his bedroom, he saw his mother holding Len’s cowboy hat. She was looking down at it with a deep, serious expression. Jim gulped and said, “These are just some new people I’ve met. You don’t know them.” He didn’t feel as if she had the right to treat him as if he were a child anymore. He thought he deserved at least a little privacy and respect.
“You’re being evasive,” she said, as she turned the hat over and glanced inside. “You know, this reminds me of a hat I’ve seen somewhere before. Where did you get it?”
He knew his mother was probing for information. She knew Jim never wore hats, especially cowboy hats. She was obviously wondering why he’d started to wear one that summer. “I found it at a flea market,” he said. “I liked the way it looked. And I’ve been riding a lot this summer. It keeps the sun out of my eyes and off my face.”
She set the hat down on the edge of his bed where she’d found it. She looked up and smiled. “Where exactly do you go with these new friends?”
“Oh we just hang out, mom.”
She took a deep breath and turned fast. “Don’t treat me like a fool, Jim. I know you better than you think I do. And if you’re not willing to confide in me, I’m not going to stand here and be insulted.”
Jim’s eyes opened wider. He hadn’t expected this reaction from her. He opened his mouth but didn’t speak. He had no idea what she was talking about. He didn’t think he’d been rude or that he’d insulted her in any way. “Mom, wait.”
She continued toward the door, leaving him to wallow in guilt. “I’m not going to be treated that way, Jim. I know you’re going through something this summer. I’m your mother. I deserve better than just a casual dismissal. If you have something to tell me, you shouldn’t hesitate. Obviously, you don’t trust me enough.”
“Don’t go,” he said. But before he could say another word she was out the door and down the hall. He almost went after her; he was tired of sneaking around and pretending to be someone he wasn’t. If she wanted the truth, maybe he should just tell her and be done with it. But he couldn’t move his legs. Up until that moment, he’d never pictured himself admitting to his parents that he was gay. This would mean there was no turning back. Once he said it aloud he would be gay for the rest of his life no matter what he did. And that night, at that very moment, he wasn’t ready to admit this to anyone, not even himself. And there was Len to consider. If Jim did admit he was gay he wanted to know that he could tell them about Len, too.
*****
Two hours later, Jim climbed off Len’s body and fell back on the bed. They were both naked and soaked in perspiration. Jim had just ridden Len’s dick for more than an hour and they’d both climaxed together. Len seemed to enjoy this position more than others. He said he liked to grab Jim’s legs while Jim was riding him.
That night Len had rented a hotel room in a smaller hotel in a less popular section of the city. The lights were off and the room was dark except for the blinking neon lights flashing in the windows from the tattoo parlor across the street. For a moment, the magnitude of how tacky and sordid their affair was becoming hit Jim hard and he experienced a sharp pain in his temples. He pictured trying to explain where he was to his mother and the pain grew sharper.
He reached over Len’s body and turned on the small lamp next to the Danish modern headboard. “Maybe we can go out to dinner one night this week. I’d like to do something normal for a change. The last time we were out in public I blew you in the men’s room of a fast food place.”
Len switched the light off and pulled the top sheet up to his waist. He scratched his balls and said, “You know we can’t be seen together in public. It would be too risky. People would wonder why we were together.”
“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me? Is it because I look gay? I promise I won’t wear high heels.” He had to know. Although he enjoyed making love to Len, he was starting to crave a more authentic connection…or at least a hint that things would become more authentic in the future. And he’d always wondered if he looked gay to other people.
“Of course I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you,” Len said. He reached over and grabbed Jim’s ass. He squeezed it and said. “You look perfect to me. I just think it’s better to be discreet. People do talk.”
Jim rose from the bed and walked to the windows. He pulled the blinds up and turned back to face Len. It was so dark he had trouble finding Len’s outline. He kept his voice calm; he wanted to remain polite. “I’m starting to think we’re stuck right now. We’ve been sneaking around this way since the beginning of summer and we never do anything but have sex. I have strong feelings for you, Len.”
“Where do you want to go?”
Jim walked back to the bed. He sat on the edge and laced his fingers together on his lap. “I don’t care. I’ll go anywhere. Just dinner once in a while would be okay.”
“Would you like to ask Cain and your father to join us on a camping trip?”
Jim turned with a jerk. “Are you serious?”
“Cain is coming home soon for a while. It might be nice for the four of us to get together. Just a long weekend for the men.”
“Holy shit,” Jim said. He couldn’t believe Len would be serious about this. “I was talking about us going out. I’m starting to feel like a fucking vampire. Do you know that tonight, back at the house, was the first time I’ve seen you in the afternoon since we started sneaking around?”
Len sighed. He switched on the light and looked into Jim’s eyes. “You know how it is, Jim. We’ve discussed this. Neither one of us is openly gay and we don’t have a choice. Discretion is very important for men like us. Too many people could get hurt.”
Jim turned and gazed at the windows. He was starting to wonder if Len would ever openly admit he was gay. Sometimes he thought he would, and then other times Len seemed so worried about appearances and other people. In many ways, Len seemed even more confused than he was. “You’ve told me your wife knows all about you. You’ve said that your marriage is only for show. How long can you live that way indefinitely?” Though Jim wasn’t certain when he would come out of the closet, he knew he would come out one day. And that day would probably be sooner than later. He wouldn’t have a choice. There were days he felt so suffocated from keeping it all inside he thought he might explode.
“I have obligations, Jim. I have to consider the impact this would have on my family and my businesses. It’s not something a person can do without thinking about it first.”
Jim understood this. All he did was think about it. “I was thinking about coming out of the closet soon,” he said. “And I was hoping we could do it together.” He didn’t think this was unreasonable to ask. Len had been telling him all summer how much he loved him, with each kiss, blow job, and fuck.
“It’s not that simple,” Len said. “You’re young; you don’t understand.” He spoke with a deep, hollow tone.
“What does your wife think of all this?” Jim asked. “She must be wondering about where you go every night. My God, you just played bridge with her tonight and pretended to be the perfect couple in front of my parents. They think you are the perfect couple.” He decided not to mention how his mother had been pumping him about where he went at night. He didn’t want to freak Len out completely.
“She doesn’t ask,” Len said. “I don’t ask where she goes either. I’m sure she’s with the tennis instructor right now. And I’m even surer the tennis instructor isn’t asking her a bunch of stupid questions like you’re asking me.”
“That’s dysfunctional.” Jim’s face grew warm. He didn’t like Len’s tone.
“It is what it is. Grow up.”
Jim stood. He clenched his fists and squared his shoulders. “Are you telling me that wanting to talk about our future together is stupid? Because that’s exactly how it sounds, Len.”
Len took a deep breath and exhaled. “All I’m saying is that we decided to take it slowly from the very beginning. Why spoil things right now? We’re both getting what we want.”
“How much slower can we go? Am I supposed to sneak around with you until I’m thirty years old? It has to get better than this, Len. I know there are gay men and women all over the country who are living decent, respectable, open and honest lives. And I’d like to be one of them. I’m tired of sneaking around and feeling rotten all the time when I’m not with you.”
Len turned off the light and said, “I’d rather not talk anymore. Come back to bed. We’ll discuss this later. You’re too emotional right now.”
Jim climbed back into bed and smiled. He set his palm on Len’s chest and laughed. “Maybe we should go camping. I could share a tent with Cain. We could snuggle up together and keep each other warm.” He was only joking around. He wasn’t serious about doing this with Len’s son.
But Len grabbed him by the throat and pushed his head back against the pillow. “Don’t you ever say something like that to me again. I don’t want you anywhere near Cain. Is that understood?” He released Jim’s throat and turned his back on him.
The minute Len’s hand was off Jim’s throat Jim lurched from the bed and went back to the windows. “I wasn’t fucking serious. Shit.” He could still feel Len’s hand pressed to his neck; it stung his flesh and his soul.
“I’m sorry I overreacted,” Len said. “It’s just that I don’t want you getting too friendly with Cain again. Stay away from him.”
All of a sudden a sick feeling passed through Jim’s entire body. He reached for his socks and started to get dressed. “I see,” he said. “It’s because you don’t want Cain hanging around someone like me, isn’t it? It’s because I’m a fag and a cock sucker. Well, I’ll have you know I haven’t been proud of myself this summer. I know I’m sneaking around with a married man and I’m just as dysfunctional as you and your wife. Do you think I’m proud of sucking the dick of a man who is too damn insecure to live an open and authentic life? You’re nothing but an aging sad cliché and I don’t want any part of it anymore. You’ll wind up right here, in a room just like this, twenty years from now paying for what I’ve been giving you for free from someone even younger than I am right now. Only you’ll be twenty years older and nothing more than a broken down image of the man you used to be. Good luck with that.”
As Jim continued to dress, Len remained silent for a moment. He didn’t apologize; he didn’t try to stop Jim from leaving. And then, as Jim pulled up his zipper, Len sat up on the edge of the bed, turned the light on, and reached for h
is own socks. “I was wondering when you’d get tired of being with an older man like me. I knew it would happen and I knew you’d throw up my age. I should have seen it coming.”
Jim clenched his fists. “Don’t start that now. You know that’s not what it’s like. Don’t go twisting things around, Len, like you always do.” Len had a knack of twisting a situation to suit his own needs.
Len didn’t look at him. “I suppose I will wind up alone and nothing more than a broken down old man who pays for sex. You’re right. You should go now. You’re young and you don’t need someone like me to hold you down.” He stood up and spread his legs apart. He reached down and tugged on his dick in an obvious way, as if to tease Jim.
When Jim saw the way his penis began to swing back and forth, he felt the sudden urge to go down on his knees. “I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. It’s just that it hurt when you told me to stay away from Cain, as if I’m not good enough.”
Len leaned back and spread his legs a little wider. In this position, it almost looked as if he was posing nude for a photographer. Every muscle in his tight lean body seemed to glisten. “You misunderstood. I don’t want you around Cain because I think he might be a bad influence on you, is all. I love my son but he’s trouble. He can’t be trusted.”
