by Ryan Field
“Do you mean that?”
“Of course I do,” Len said. “You’ve heard me talk about the trouble Cain is always getting into. And now that he’s coming home to Dallas I’m worried about how he’s going to act. I never know what to expect or what he’s scheming. I’d never compare you to Cain or belittle you, Jim.”
Jim shrugged. “Well, I’m sorry about what I said about you being old. I didn’t mean any of it.”
Len grabbed his balls and flung Jim a glance. “Are you saying you want to get back into bed? We still have a few more hours. It’s only one in the morning and I’m sure you can think of something we can do.”
Jim turned and crossed back to a chair where he’d left his clothes the first time he’d undressed. “I guess I could stay a little longer.” He wanted to blow Len that night. He’d been thinking about it all day. Now that he’d seen Len’s dick swinging around, he could wait to go down on him.
As Jim began to remove his pants, Len went back to bed and said, “Just promise me you’ll stay as far away from Cain as possible when he comes home. I’d rather you two didn’t get too friendly again. It’s best for all concerned.”
Under the circumstances, Jim fully agreed. He would try to avoid Cain as much as he could. After all these years, he doubted Cain would even want to see him again. He pulled off his pants and left them on the floor. “Let’s not talk anymore. We only have a short amount of time.” Then he removed his shirt, went back to bed, and slid his head beneath the covers.
As Len grew harder in his mouth, he stretched his legs and said, “See what I mean, Jim. This is much better than going out to dinner like other people. I could just lie here all night long while you do this. I’ve never met a guy with such soft, sweet lips. You were born to suck dick.”
When Len said this, something in Jim snapped. Jim knew he’d just been manipulated. He knew, at that moment, Len would never come out of the closet. He stopped sucking; he climbed out of bed and put on his clothes as fast as he could without saying a word.
Len sat up and pulled the covers to his waist. He turned on the light and asked, “What’s wrong now? Where are you going?”
Jim turned to face him. “I want more, Len, and you don’t. I want to go out to dinner and do things in public. I think I’m in love with you. This isn’t going to end well no matter what we do.” Then he grabbed his keys, turned to the door with his shirt wide open, and left before Len had a chance to respond. He also left Len’s cowboy hat on the chair where he’d removed his clothes.
Chapter Nine
* * *
A few days later, Jim asked his mother if she wanted to go riding. It was late in the afternoon and his father wouldn’t be home for dinner that evening. His father had an important business dinner with a client, which wasn’t unusual. When Jim asked her this she was in the kitchen going rummaging around in the pantry. She stopped what she was doing and turned to face him with a blank expression; a can of peaches in one hand and a jar of hearts of palm in the other.
He smiled. “Why do you look so shocked? Can’t a guy ask his mom to do something without looking suspicious?”
Helen set the food back on a shelf and smiled. Then she grabbed his arms and said, “Wait here. I have to change first. I’ll be right back.” On her way upstairs, she shouted, as if to make sure he wouldn’t change his mind, “Don’t go anywhere.”
When she returned, she was wearing jeans, a white blouse, and a brown suede vest that matched her boots. He smiled and said, “People are going to think you’re my sister instead of my mother.” He’d always marveled at the way his mother never seemed to age. Of course there were a few extra lines on her face and a few veins on her hands. But she was still the same size she’d been the day she’d married his father, she still had her hair colored the same light brown with subtle blond streaks, and she never left the house without wearing at least a three inch high heel.
Helen blushed. “Don’t be silly.” Then she smiled and headed toward the back door. She seemed a little hesitant; as if she were afraid she’d say the wrong thing.
They rode to the back pasture and up a wide path that Jim knew would lead them into a wooded section just off the property. The heat wave they’d been experiencing all week had broken and there was a gentle breeze blowing through the trees. They talked about the weather for a few minutes, and then went silent for a while. They hadn’t actually spoken to each other since Helen had confronted him in his bedroom the night he was getting ready to sneak out to meet Len.
As they rode, Helen seemed content not to speak at all and he figured it was her way of letting him know she didn’t want to pressure him that afternoon. Although Jim’s father would have been asking him about his future and law school, his mother always took a different approach. She waited and listened. In some ways her silence could be even louder than his father’s aggressive approach.
When they reached a clearing that bordered a wide meadow, Jim took a quick breath and said, “Let’s get down and walk for a while. We don’t get many days this nice. I’d like to talk about something. I feel bad about what happened in my room the night you asked me where I was going.”
He climbed down from his horse and then helped his mother climb off hers. They walked for a few minutes with nothing but the sound of branches and leaves crunching beneath their feet. He knew she was waiting for him to speak first. He felt this in every fiber of his being. And the more he walked the warmer he grew. By the time he finally started to speak there were beads of perspiration running down the sides of his face.
Without glancing at her, Jim took a deep breath and said, “There’s something I have to discuss with you.” His head was about to explode.
Helen smiled and continued walking. “You know you’ve always been able to talk to me about anything. I’m your mother and you can say anything to me.”
He’d been practicing this for a few days. He’d gone over it in his head, and aloud in front of his bathroom mirror, in so many different ways he’d forgotten everything he’d rehearsed. So he stopped and glanced down at the dirt path. When Helen stopped, he shoved his hands into his pockets and said, “I’m gay.”
The minute the words fell from his mouth all the blood in his body seemed to rush to the top of his head. His voice took on a muffled sound, as if he were underwater. His hands, still in his pockets, felt shaky and he didn’t dare pull them out. For a moment, it felt surreal, as if he couldn’t believe he was finally having this conversation with his mother. And then something happened he hadn’t expected. A second after the initial shock of saying the word gay out loud, a sense of absolute relief passed through him.
Helen remained silent for a moment. She processed what he’d said and sighed. Then she sent him a blank stare, shrugged, and said, “I know I’m supposed to be surprised. But I’m not. I’ve always known deep down inside.”
Jim’s head jerked to the side. “You knew?” He hadn’t expected this reaction.
She smiled. “Well, I didn’t know for sure. But no one knows you better than I do, Jim. I’m your mother and mothers have a ways of picking up on things most people wouldn’t notice. I saw signs when you were a child. I watched how you were in high school. When all the other kids were going out to dances and movies together, you were upstairs reading a book. A mother knows these things. It’s hard to explain.”
This was all news to Jim. Here he’d been agonizing over telling her he was gay and she’d known about it all along. “Why didn’t you ever say something?”
Helen shrugged. “I figured that it was best for you to deal with it on your own. Maybe that was wrong. I don’t know. But I figured that if I did confront you about it you’d only back away from me. It’s not an easy position to be in, trust me. I wanted you to come to me.”
He knew she was right about this. If his mother had even hinted he was gay back in high school he would have been so mortified he would have denied it completely. And he would have backed away, which would have caused a rift b
etween them. He spread his arms out and said, “I wasn’t even sure myself. I swear I didn’t lie to you on purpose.”
Helen moved closer and hugged him. She kissed his cheek and took a step back. “I’m glad you finally told me. To watch you this summer hasn’t been easy. I had a feeling a lot of what you’ve been going through had a lot more to do with being gay and deciding about law school. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so helpless about anything.”
Her ability to read him so well frightened him a little. He didn’t want her to know about his affair with Len Mayfield or any of the details about what he’d been doing that summer. “Does dad know, too?” he asked. He was wondering if his mother and father had ever discussed this.
Helen laughed. “Oh, hell no. Your father doesn’t have the slightest clue, trust me. And if he did ever consider it, I’m sure he would put it in the back of his mind.”
“Are you going to tell him?” He was wondering if it might be easier for his mother to break the news to his father.
She hugged him again and climbed back up on her horse. “No way,” she said. “That’s up to you to do. But I do think you should do it sooner than later.” She looked down at him and lifted her eyebrows. “It’s not fair that I know and he doesn’t know. He’s a good man, Jim. He’ll understand in time, trust me. He deserves your honesty. You owe him that for no other reason than because he loves you.”
Jim shoved his foot in the stirrup and flung his leg over the saddle. “I need a little time. I’m not ready to talk to him about it.” He was still in shock about telling her. It felt as if he’d been introduced to his mother for the first time and nothing would ever be the same again. It wasn’t a bad feeling; just different.
“Don’t wait too long,” she said. “C’mon, let’s go back to the house. I have a couple of steaks we can grill. And then you can go out and do whatever it is you do at night. I’m not going to ask. But I want to know that you’re having safe sex.”
A rush of adrenaline shot through his body. “Mom, seriously.” The last thing he wanted to do was discuss his sex life with his mother…even if she had just proven to him she was the coolest person in the world.
“I’m just saying,” she said. “I’m not an idiot and I know how important it is for everyone to have safe sex nowadays. Promise me you’ll be careful.”
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll have safe sex. I promise.” After this fight with Len, he wasn’t sure when he’d have sex again. The only man he’d ever been with was Len Mayfield and he knew Len wasn’t having sex with anyone else.
*****
After dinner, he went up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He looked at his phone and saw that Len had phoned him four times that afternoon. Len had been phoning him non-stop since the night he’d left Len in the hotel room and Jim hadn’t answered once. He knew what would happen if he did answer. Len would talk to him in that deep, convincing voice and make him weak. Len would tell him that everything was going to be all right and that they should get together and talk. Jim would listen, trying to steel himself from being taken in by Len’s charm, not to mention his desires for Len. Then he would agree to meet Len somewhere, they’d wind up having sex again, and the vicious cycle of sneaking around would resume. Jim wanted more out of life than just great sex. He wanted a man who could offer him a future, not just a man who could offer him a few good times, sore legs, and a room they rented by the hour.
A few minutes later, the phone rang again and he almost turned off the ringer. But something told him to look at the caller ID to see if it was Len. When he did look, he saw a strange phone number he’d never seen before. So he answered out of curiosity.
It turned out to be Cain Mayfield. Cain said, “My mom gave me your phone number. She’s been bugging me to call you since I got home.”
Jim found it hard to speak. He was sorry he’d answered. Cain must have been calling from a cell phone. “You’re home?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m back for a few weeks before I start grad school at Stanford. And I’m going crazy here. I was in Austin, with this girl I met at school. We decided to take a break from each other and I came home. Short version to a very long story.” He laughed when he said this, as if to cover something up.
Jim gulped. “I see.”
“Listen, buddy,” Cain said. “You want to get together and hang out for a while tonight? My folks are driving me crazy. I don’t know why they just don’t get divorced. It would be so much easier on everyone.” He laughed again, as covering up his real feelings.
It was the last thing Jim wanted to do. “I was just going to read a book.” He did feel a little sorry for Cain. He knew better than anyone that Len’s marriage was over. Though there wasn’t animosity between Len and his wife, there was no happiness either.
“Fuck the book, dude,” Cain said. “You haven’t seen your old buddy in ages. Let’s get together.”
He figured it couldn’t hurt to go out and have one drink. Besides, the more he said no the more Cain would hound him. Cain tended to be aggressive like Len. When he sank his teeth into something he didn’t let go. “What do you want to do?”
“I was thinking you could come here and pick me up,” Cain said. “Then we can head out and decide then. No set plans right now. Man, I really need to get out of here. My dad’s in the worst mood I’ve seen in years. My mom can’t seem to sit still. It’s like she can’t get out of the house fast enough and she’s only here because of me. It’s creepy, dude. And my car’s in the shop so I’m trapped.”
Jim smiled and rolled his eyes. It was the same old Cain he knew from high school. The only reason he’d phoned was because his car was in the shop and he knew Jim had a brand new car. “I’ll be there in about a half hour.” He remembered that Len had told him to stay away from Cain. He didn’t care. Len wasn’t his boss and he had no right to tell him what to do. And this would be the perfect way to show Len he didn’t have that much control over him.
“Come into the house to get me,” Cain said. “It will make things easier. If they see I’m really with you they’ll be cool about me going out. There was this little incident this summer. I got into a fight and ever since then they’ve been questioning everything I do. I make one dumb mistake and throw one punch and I’m labeled a hardened criminal.”
Jim played dumb. He didn’t let Cain know he knew all about the incident in Austin. But he didn’t want to go into the Mayfield house and run into Len face to face. He wasn’t certain he could pull that off without buckling under the pressure. “I’d rather just wait outside for you,” he said.
“No, come in,” Cain said. Then he hung up before Jim had a chance to argue the point.
Chapter Ten
* * *
Janice Mayfield opened the door and lifted her arms in the air in a fake, dramatic way. “Well look who’s here,” she said. “Come in, Jim.” Then she threw her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek.
Jim forced a smile and walked into the front hall. The last time he’d been there Janice had been out all night with her tennis instructor and Len had fucked Jim on the black leather sofa in the den so hard they’d knocked over a table and broken a candle stick holder. He wound up wearing Len’s underwear home that night by mistake. Len’s underwear was still in his hamper.
“Let’s go back to the den,” Janice said. “I’ll make you a drink and let Cain know you’re here. When I found out Cain was going out with you, I decided to meet a friend of mine, too. I’m so glad you guys are getting together tonight. It feels just like old times again.”
Jim’s heart began to beat faster. He could see from where he was standing in the hallway that Len was stretched out on a black leather chair watching TV in the den. He’d been hoping Len wouldn’t be around.
Sure Mrs. Mayfield was thrilled to see him. It gave her a chance to see the tennis instructor. As they walked to the back of the house, Jim set his jaw and prepared to see Len for the first time since they’d quarreled in the hotel room.
Janice went to the bar and asked him what he wanted to drink. Jim walked to the sofa, sat down, and said, “I’m fine, Mrs. Mayfield. Nothing for me. I’m driving.” He’d forgotten to call her Janice like she’d asked. She didn’t seem to notice and he didn’t correct himself.
Len sent him a glare. His eyebrows furrowed, his fists clenched, and his face burned bright red. “Why don’t you have something, Jim? One drink won’t hurt you. You’re a big boy now. You’re a big strong man.”
He spoke with such a sarcastic tone Jim felt like throwing something at him. He looked down at the floor and said, “No thank you. I’m fine, sir.” He called him sir on purpose, as if to rub in the fact that Len was so much older.
Len sent him a more intense glare, and then turned away fast.
Janice poured herself a martini and said, “Don’t force him, Len. He’s driving, remember?” She took a sip and said, “I’ll go up and tell Cain you’re here. I have to get something in my room anyway because I’ve leaving right after you guys.”
When she left the room, Jim slid to the end of the sofa and said, “I didn’t want to come here tonight. Cain insisted we go out.” He lowered his voice to a stage whisper.
“You promised me you wouldn’t see Cain,” Len said. He didn’t look at Jim. He gazed at the TV with a blank expression.
“I didn’t have a choice,” Jim said. “You know how your son is. He’s even pushier than you are.” Then he lifted his head higher and said, “And you’re not my boss. I can see anyone I want to see and I can do anything I want to do. So don’t ever tell me what to do.”
Before Len could reply, Cain Mayfield and his mother called Jim’s name from the hallway. Jim stood up and smoothed his jeans. The fact that Len wouldn’t even look at him made Jim want to kick his chair. At first he felt bad about going against Len’s wishes and seeing Cain. Now he wanted to smile and do a dance in circles around the chair.
