by Ryan Field
“You didn’t pick up when I called you,” Len said.
“I know. I thought it was best to ignore the calls.”
“I would have answered if you’d called me.”
“But I didn’t call you and you know why.”
“Fuck you, Jim,” Len said. “I should never have gotten myself involved with a child. I should have known better.”
Cain shouted Jim’s name again.
This time Jim glared at Len. He had some nerve treating Jim this way. Len was the one who’d used Jim for nothing but sex. Jim turned toward the hallway and said, “I shouldn’t have gotten involved with an old man. Have a good night, Mr. Mayfield. I know I will.” Then he headed out to meet Cain and didn’t give Len a backward glance. But he knew, as he crossed into the hallway, Len’s eyes were on his back with each step he took.
When they were outside, all the frustration and torture Jim had endured in high school came rushing back to him before he even had a chance to duck. Cain took Jim’s car keys without asking and said, “I’ll drive. I know where we’re going. You’re going to love this place, trust me.” Jim submitted to his old friend’s aggressive personality the same way he’d always submitted in high school. He followed Cain to his car, sat in the passenger seat, and watched as Cain adjusted the driver’s seat to accommodate his long legs.
Cain drove the same way he’d driven in high school. They swerved out of the driveway with a screech and Cain hit the gas. He wore tight low-rise jeans and a black V-neck sweater that hugged every muscle in his solid torso. His hair had lightened from the sun that summer and his entire body was glazed with an even bronze tan. When he shifted gears, his left leg bent at the knee and the bulge between his legs grew rounder. On the interstate, Cain told Jim about his tumultuous relationship with a girl in Austin. He’d met her in Stanford, they’d been together since his junior year, and they’d been planning to get married for the last six months. Cain said it would probably be sooner rather than later now, because he’d just found out she was pregnant. This was one of the reasons why he’d come home for a few weeks, to break the news to his mother and father before he went back to Stanford. He also mentioned the girl came from a poor family, was swamped with student loans, and his mother and father would have to pay for the wedding.
The one thing Cain mentioned that caused Jim’s jaw to drop was that his father had been adamant about Cain and his girlfriend keeping the baby. Len promised he would support his son and the girl both financially and emotionally. Cain said his father did not support abortion in any way and it would be the one thing he would never forgive. Len said he didn’t care about the girlfriend’s rights as a woman or her body; he only cared about the rights of his unborn grandchild. If Cain and his girlfriend aborted the baby, Len said he would never speak to his son again for as long as he lived. This surprised Jim; he would have pegged Len as being more liberal. It made him frown, too. He realized how little he knew about the man with whom he’d been sleeping.
While he spoke, Cain weaved in and out of other cars, blowing the horn and waving his middle finger. Jim sat there clutching his seatbelt. He remembered how he’d always hated getting into a car with Cain. He listened to the story of Cain’s life and wondered how long the marriage to this girl from Austin would last…he gave it two years at the most. From what Jim could gather, it seemed as though the only reason they were getting married was because she’d gotten pregnant. But he said nothing and made no gestures. It was none of his business what Cain did with his life. Besides, he knew from years of experience that Cain never took advice from anyone. He’d always done whatever he wanted to do and it seemed nothing had changed.
They pulled up to a bar in a part of Dallas that was foreign to Jim. The only time he ever went to this part of the city was when he was passing through. Cain climbed out of the car without giving Jim a chance to explain where they were or why they were there. He started walking toward a door where there were tons of people lined up outside leaning into a stucco wall. Jim followed him without saying a word. He had to walk fast to keep up; at times he had to jog. He was sorry he’d agreed to go out that night. He wished he were home, in his bed, waiting to see if Len would call again. Len seemed so mad now he’d probably never speak to him again.
As they approached a crowd of young men, Cain reached for Jim’s arm and pulled him toward the entrance. Cain knew the guy at the door. Cain was the type of guy who knew all the bouncers at all the clubs. He leaned into bouncer, said something Jim couldn’t hear, and the guy stepped aside so they could enter. Jim had noticed there were a lot of young men outside the bar. And when he entered and saw there were only men in the bar he grabbed Cain’s arm and said, “What are we doing here? This looks like a gay bar.”
Cain continued walking toward the front of the bar. There was a stage and a group of tables near the footlights. He forced Jim to sit down in an empty chair and he sat across from him. He rested his elbows on the table and said, “I thought you’d like it here better. I thought you’d feel more comfortable than the places I would normally go. I know the bouncer. He used to get me pot in high school.”
Jim felt a strong tightness in his chest. Music with a heavy constant base began to play and he glanced over his shoulder. A young man in a tuxedo danced out on the stage. He swung his hips, rolled them to the point of exaggeration, and kicked off his shoes. Jim turned back to Cain and said, “Why would you think I’d want to come here?”
Cain rubbed his arm and said, “C’mon Jim. There’s no need to hide it from me anymore. We’re both adults. I’ve known you were gay since you were about sixteen. Frankly, I’m a little insulted you never said anything to me about it.”
This was news to Jim. He sat up straighter and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He knew his mother hadn’t said anything to anyone. It was too soon. Besides, she’d never do anything like that without telling him first. He knew Len hadn’t said anything to Cain. For a moment, he thought Cain was joking around. He’d done something like this once before in high school. Cain, along with a few other guys, had blindfolded Jim and taken him to a gay bar. When they removed the blindfold and saw the horrified expression on Jim’s face, they all doubled over laughing. Jim had been mortified, but not because he’d been taken to a gay bar. He’d been horrified because he thought they knew he was gay. He’d covered his tracks, as any other closeted gay guy in high school would have done. He played along and laughed about the “fags and queers” with them that night. He sensed Cain was doing the same thing all over again.
Cain shook his head. “Stop pretending, Jim. It’s cool. I don’t mind if you’re gay. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Seriously, man.”
Jim leaned forward. “You’re really not joking are you?”
Cain shrugged. “Man, I’ve known since you were sixteen and I caught you sniffing my clothes one night. You thought I’d gone downstairs for food. I came back for something and found you sniffing my jeans and socks and groping yourself. I never said anything because I didn’t want to embarrass you. But that was years ago. It’s time to come out, Jim.”
There had been so many times Jim had buried his face in Cain’s clothes he wasn’t sure which night that had happened. He’d sniffed Cain’s jeans, his shirts, his socks and his underwear. He had no idea Cain saw him do this. As he began to deny it again, he took a deep breath, exhaled, and said, “Even if I am gay, it doesn’t mean you had to take me to a place like this.” He glanced back over his shoulder and saw the male stripper had removed everything but a G-string. He shook his hips so fast his dick went up and down beneath the sheer silver fabric.
Cain punched his shoulder. “I thought you’d like it. Isn’t this what all gay guys do?” He rubbed his jaw and smiled. “Holy shit, I think you’re a virgin. I had no idea. I would have guessed you’d at least come out of the closet in college.” He folded his arms over his chest and smiled. “No one’s popped that cherry yet, have they?”
If Cain only kn
ew. “No, I’m not a virgin, asswipe. That I can promise you.”
The male stripper continued to bounce toward Jim and Cain’s table, as if Jim had a target on his back. He came up behind Jim, squatted, and started to swing his dick right over Jim’s head. As the rest of the men in the bar cheered the stripper on, Jim felt a pull in his stomach. This was out of context; not fun at all. He suddenly felt cheap and dirty, as if they were all laughing at him. Len would never have taken him to a place like this. “I want to get out of here, Cain. I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable.”
Only Cain gaped at the naked male stripper with a wide smile. He laughed with everyone else, watching the male stripper shake and bounce his nuts above Jim’s head.
So Jim crawled out from under the stripper’s legs and stood up. Without waiting for Cain, he turned and headed toward the exit. As he crossed through the bar, men booed him and made rude gestures, implying he was a poor sport. They laughed at him and poked him in the arms. He ignored them and continued walking. Though he felt a sting in his eyes he didn’t dare shed a tear in front of them. It wasn’t until he was outside when he realized Cain had followed him. Cain grabbed his arm and said, “Hey, buddy. I’m sorry. I thought I was doing a good thing. I had no idea you’d react this way.”
“Ah well,” Jim said. It all came rushing out of him at once. “That’s how you always were. Life’s just fun and games to you. You have no idea what I had to do this afternoon. I told my mother I was gay. You have no idea what it’s like to tell someone you love that you’ve been pretending about who you are all your life. And now there’s no going back.” He couldn’t contain it a minute longer. All the emotions he’d been holding inside seemed to flow from his body. He turned to face the stucco wall and tears streamed down his face.
Cain grabbed him from behind and put his arms around him. He held him and said, “I’m sorry. I had no idea you told your mother this afternoon. I thought this would be a good way for you to come clean with me for once. I thought it would make us closer. I figured by now you’d come out. I just wanted you to know I’m cool with it. I forgot how sensitive you always were. I’m a fucking asshole.”
Jim turned around in Cain’s arms and looked at him. Cain held him tighter and rubbed his back with gentle strokes. “I’m okay,” Jim said. “It’s just that it all hit me at once. How would you feel if you were gay and two people you’ve known all your life told you they already knew? Both in the same day, too.”
Cain pushed Jim’s head to his shoulder. “Your mom already knew?”
Jim wiped his eyes and nodded. “Yes. She said she’d always known. Hell, I wasn’t even sure about it and you guys already knew. I feel like a fucking idiot. And now I’m wondering who else knows.”
“If it makes you feel better, there are a lot of people who don’t know,” Cain said. “My mom doesn’t know. She thinks you’re the perfect straight guy and some lucky girl is going to snatch you up very soon. She said so tonight and I just rolled my eyes. I’m sure the only people who suspected are the people who know you the best.”
Jim tried to lift his head and step away, but Cain held him tighter. “You think so.” He was starting to feel silly about crying. He had to learn to control his emotions better.
“I’m certain,” Cain said. “Let’s go someplace for coffee now. I’ll tell you all about my impending wedding and you can tell me all about what it’s like to suck guys off. I always wanted to ask a girl but never had the nerve.” He laughed and slapped Jim on the ass hard. “Do you swallow?”
Jim blinked and stepped back. His eyes bugged and he wasn’t sure how to respond.
“Calm down,” Cain said. “I was joking, man. I’m not asking for details. You have to have been involved with someone since I saw you last, one dude at the very least.”
He wondered how Cain would react if he knew Jim had fallen in love with his father and they’d been lovers. He seemed so cool and calm about Jim being gay because it didn’t affect him in the least. “Let’s just get out of here,” Jim said. “I’d like to go someplace quiet.”
*****
They went to a smaller bar above a restaurant and Jim ordered coffee. Cain started drinking beer, which didn’t bother Jim. He would be the designated driver on the way home, not Cain. There were threadbare sofas, overstuffed arm chairs, and western accessories everywhere Jim looked. It appeared overdone, in order to attract tourists and those looking for a western theme. They sat down on an old brown leather sofa with cracks, beneath a plaque of steer horns, and Cain started talking about his girlfriend while Jim sipped a cup of black coffee.
“I hope I’m doing the right thing getting married,” Cain said.
“Do you love her?” Jim asked. For him, love determined the most important question anyone could ask someone who was thinking about getting married.
Cain laughed. “You’re the first person who asked me that. My mom and dad are just concerned about our ages. I think I love her. And we’ve known each other for a long time. I just never thought I’d have to get married because she was pregnant. We’d talked about getting engaged and married in the future. But we’d never set a time frame for it. And when she found out she was pregnant, there didn’t seem to be any reason to wait.”
Jim didn’t understand this. He’d always wished he’d had the freedom straight people have when it came to love and marriage. He shrugged and asked, “What’s the problem?”
Cain gulped the rest of his beer and set the glass down on a table. “I’m a little freaked out, that’s all. This is going to sound terrible, but I don’t want to wind up like my parents.”
Jim didn’t know how to respond. He knew more about Cain’s parents than Cain probably knew. He played dumb and asked, “How do you mean?”
“I’ve always known my parents had to get married,” Cain said. “It wasn’t hard to figure out the dates between their wedding day and my birthday. They were both so young…not even out of high school. They were forced into marriage before they even knew each other. And trust me, it didn’t work out for them. They put up a good front for my sake, but they haven’t had a real marriage in years. They haven’t slept in the same room for years. And my mom is gone so much of the time I think she’s seeing someone else and my dad doesn’t even seem to care about it. In fact, he encouraged her to go out tonight. I don’t want to wind up like them, man. It would have been better if they’d gotten a divorce years ago. I kind of feel sorry for my mom. My dad has always seemed like this sexless creature to me. It’s like he was born with a limp dick. In a way, I wouldn’t blame my mom for having an affair.”
Though Jim couldn’t admit to Cain that he knew all about Len and Janice’s marriage of convenience, he could offer Cain what he considered sound advice about his own situation. “Look at it this way,” he said. “You’re not as young as your parents were. You’re a twenty-one year old man. You’re a college graduate going to a fantastic grad school this fall and you’ve known your fiancé for a long time. It’s a completely different scenario, Cain. Don’t compare your parent’s relationship to yours.”
Cain thought for a moment and nodded. “I see what you mean. It is different. Lara and I really are in love and we were planning to get married within the next couple of years. No one is forcing us into anything. If we wanted to, we could live together, have the baby, and put the wedding off. I never thought about it that way.”
Jim shrugged and said, “A lot of couples are living together nowadays, having kids, and not getting married right away.” Then he laughed and glanced down at his lap.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” Jim said. “I was just thinking about how gay people are fighting so hard to get married and have kids, and now straight people are fighting so hard not to get married and not have kids too soon. Interesting how things have turned around.”
By the time Cain finished his last beer, the bar was ready to close down for the night. Jim took the keys from him and helped him out to the car. Cain s
tumbled and leaned against Jim more than once. He tripped and Jim caught him before he fell into a row of azaleas. He’d seen Cain drunk more than once. In high school Cain got drunk almost every weekend in his senior year. The next day he would be in perfect condition and no one would have guessed he put away two six packs all by himself. And Cain wasn’t a mean nasty drunk. He laughed and joked and became animated in a way that made him even more endearing and wonderful to be around.
When they reached the car, Jim opened the passenger door and helped him inside. Cain sat down, but kept his leg outside the door so Jim couldn’t close it. Cain laughed and grabbed his crotch. He yanked his dick and said, “You’re a good friend, Jim. If you ever need a cock to suck, you’re more than welcome to mine. I’ve let a few gay dudes suck me off in school when I really needed to get off. I’m cool with it as long as you don’t expect any reciprocation.” He slurred so much he couldn’t even pronounce reciprocation. He shook his finger. “I’m not into guys that way. I’d rather eat pussy than suck dick.”
Jim smiled. He remembered a gay guy he knew in Princeton who was always bragging about how many straight guys let him suck them off. Jim would sit and listen, without commenting. The gay guy said there were some straight guys who didn’t care who blew them as long as they got off. He even mentioned a bathroom on campus with a glory hole. But Jim had never been into anonymous sex in dark, dangerous places. He had no intention of sucking Cain off that night…or ever. He lifted Cain’s leg, shoved it into the car, and closed the door.
On the way back to the Mayfield house, Cain forgot he’d even mentioned the blow job and started talking about how much he missed his fiancé. He said he couldn’t wait until he saw her again and hold her in his arms. He laughed and talked about how much he loved to have sex with her. He punched Jim at a stop sign and said he’d once gone down between her legs with his mouth for two hours. He promised that Jim would like her, too. He mentioned that she had a gay brother and maybe she could fix Jim up with her brother and they would all be one big happy modern family. He punched Jim again and said, “You’d like him. I saw him in swim trunks and he’s got a big cock. At the very least, you can suck him off.”
