Chase of a Lifetime

by Ryan Field

  After he pulled away from the curb, he didn’t wait to see if Chase got inside safely or not. He didn’t care one way or the other. Chase was out of his car and out of his life. For a few minutes, it felt so good to dump him off it caused a warm feeling to pass through Jim’s body. He turned on the radio and the theme from Titanic began to play on his favorite station. He might have continued to smile all the way back to his house if he hadn’t started thinking about Len again. When the novelty of being with Chase started to wear off…which took less time than he’d imagined it would…he started to feel guilty about what he’d done to Len. Then he remembered the message on his voice mail.

  So he pulled over and reached for his phone. Len had been the last caller. He hesitated a moment, and then listened to the voice mail from Len. “I see you’re busy with this guy. I called to talk about us. But I see I’m wasting my time. Sorry to bother you.”

  Jim turned off the phone and set it on the seat. Len wasn’t dumb; he would suspect Jim had cheated on him last night. Jim couldn’t lie about something like this. Even though they weren’t an actual couple in a committed relationship, there was an unspoken agreement between them to be monogamous. If Len had cheated on him he would have been throwing rocks at Len’s bedroom window. Jim had given into temptation, and he’d done it in a way he’d never imagined possible for someone like him. He felt a pull in his stomach and he wished he could go back and change everything that had happened the night before. The more he thought about what he’d done with Chase more nauseous he became.

  By the time he pulled up to the house, he decided to avoid Len Mayfield from now on. Not seeing Len anymore seemed the best viable solution. Everything about their relationship had turned wrong and nothing good could ever come from it. They hadn’t officially committed to each other; they owed each other nothing. Only Jim didn’t have much of a choice. When he rounded the bend in the driveway he saw his car parked near the front door. Then he saw Len’s truck parked in front of it, as Cain stood there dangling a set of keys.

  Jim parked his mother’s Mercedes four car lengths behind his. He unfolded from the car very slowly and walked over to meet Cain with his head bowed.

  Cain jiggled the keys and said, “I asked my dad to drive me back so I could drop off your car.” He had a sarcastic smile, and an expression that suggested he knew what Jim had been up to last night.

  Jim rolled his eyes. “You didn’t tell your dad what happened last night, did you?” Even if Len suspected, he didn’t want Len to know any details. If and when he ever spoke about this with Len, he wanted to do it his own way.

  Cain smiled. “I don’t even know what happened? But I have a feeling you just took Chase home. That big old football player wound up spending the night.” He laughed and said, “You look like you’re walking with a limp this morning. I remember him well from high school. We used to tease him and call him horse dick.” Cain lowered his voice; he saw the way Jim reacted to his bad jokes. “Calm down. My dad is clueless about shit like this. Basically, I said you got drunk, I drove you home, and a buddy spent the night. Even if my dad did know he wouldn’t care.”

  He felt a sharp pain in his gut. Len Mayfield wasn’t clueless about anything. “I wish you hadn’t said anything to your dad. It’s none of his business.”

  “I had to say something about why I had your car.” Cain didn’t seem concerned about what Len thought. He smiled again and asked, “Did Chase fuck you?”

  Jim closed his eyes and took a quick breath. He took the keys from Len and said, “Don’t be an idiot. Thanks for bringing the car back.”

  “That’s it?” Cain asked.

  “What?”

  “Aren’t you going to thank me for hooking you up with Chase?” Cain asked.

  “I’m not going to discuss that,” Jim said. “Just please keep it a secret. I don’t want anyone to know about it.” He had his doubts about Cain’s sense of discretion. When they were kids, he’d confided in Cain and he’d been disappointed. He’d told Cain he wet the bed once in a while and the next day all the kids in school knew about it. After that, he’d learned never to tell Cain Mayfield anything unless he wanted the entire world to know about it.

  Cain punched him in the arm. “It’s cool, man. I’d never talk about it. Don’t worry. Like I said, I just told my dad you guys had a few too many last night and I decided to drive you both back here.”

  Jim glanced at the pickup truck for the first time. He saw Len’s face in the rearview mirror and his chest started to pound. He wondered if Len had called last night because of something Cain had told him. Len seemed to be glaring at him, as if Len already knew what he’d done. Jim turned toward the front door and said, “Thanks for bringing the car home. I’m a little hung over from last night and I want to go back to bed for a while.”

  Cain shoved his hands into his pockets and loped back to the truck. As Jim opened the front door he heard the truck start up and Len revved the engine a few times. Jim didn’t turn around to see this. But when the truck pulled away from the house, Jim heard a loud screech that sounded as angry as Len had looked in the mirror.

  Chapter Thirteen

  * * *

  On Sunday, it rained so hard Jim had to put a towel on his windowsill to keep the wall from getting wet. Radcliff had been meaning to fix the window for years; it only leaked when a storm came from that direction, which rarely ever happened.

  Jim set the towel in place and frowned. It seemed more than appropriate to have this kind of unusual rain, especially when he considered his own dire circumstances. On the one hand, he felt guilty about what he’d done with Chase. On the other, he seethed when he thought about Len being mad at him without being willing to commit to a relationship. For Len to want him to be monogamous he should have at least promised Jim some kind of a future. He could have offered a morsel of hope. All it would have taken would have been a glimmer of some kind of future and Jim would have told Chase to sleep in the guest room.

  After Jim changed the sheets he’d slept on with Chase, he went to bed for the rest of the day. He waited for the phone to ring. He set it beside his bed and glanced over at it every fifteen minutes. He even checked the ringer to see that it was working and getting a clear signal. He phoned himself from the landline three times just to be sure. When it rang each time, he slumped back to bed in his underwear and pulled the covers up over his head. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t erase the image of Len’s disappointed face in the rear view mirror.

  Sometime around seven that evening, Jim’s cell phone rang and he jumped out of bed. His parents phoned and said they were staying an extra night. A minute after that, Cain called and asked him if he wanted to go out that night for a drink. “I’m losing my mind again,” Cain said, with a hint of forced sarcasm. “It’s even weirder around here tonight. My dad locked himself in his office out back all day and he hasn’t come into the house at all. He’s really bad this time and he won’t talk to anyone. I really need to get out of here, man.”

  Jim frowned when he thought about what it must have been like at the Mayfield house that day. But he didn’t want to go out with Cain that night. Len’s absolute silence that day sent him a message and he knew it was over with Len. The best thing he could do now would be to stay as far away from the Mayfield family as he could. “I think I’m going to stay in tonight. I’m kind of tired.”

  “No way,” Cain said. “I haven’t told you everything yet.”

  “What do you mean?” He’d detected a trace of panic in his old friend’s tone.

  “Not on the phone,” Cain said. “Pick me up in about a half hour. I’ll tell you everything then. Just get me out of here.” He spoke with urgency now, and not with the same light-hearted tone with which he usually spoke.

  If Jim hadn’t been so curious, he would have continued to refuse. He sat back and thought for a moment. He’d already disappointed Len and he figured he couldn’t do more harm than he’d already done. “Okay. I’ll be there in a half
hour.”

  He didn’t bother to shower this time; he had no intention of having sex with anyone that night; he didn’t care how he looked. He put on the first T-shirt and jeans he found on the floor in his closet. The rain had slowed down at four that afternoon, and now it was growing more intense again. The weather report said it would rain this way all through the night, which is one reason why his parents decided to spend the extra night with their friends. On the way to the Mayfield house, the rained came down so hard Jim had to lean forward to see where he was going. He didn’t dare drive over thirty miles per hour.

  Jim found Cain waiting for him at the door when he pulled up to the house. When he climbed into the car he tossed his head back against the seat and said, “You have no idea the bombshell my dad dropped on us today. My mom is hysterical. She spent most of the day in her room and then left a few minutes ago. I have no idea where she went.”

  This was getting interesting. He’d been imagining Len going back to his normal life, in the closet, pretending to be happily married to a woman who had stopped loving him years ago. Jim pulled away from the house and asked, “What happened?” He drove slowly to the end of the driveway and hesitated.

  Cain took a deep breath and rubbed his face. “My dad wants a divorce. He told my mom he’s tired of living a lie and he wants to change his life completely. It all came out this morning at breakfast. I was checking my e-mail on my phone and my mom was making scrambled eggs. My dad was sitting where he always sits and he just came right out with it as calmly as if he were giving us the weather report.”

  Jim pulled out of the driveway, creeping onto the wet road. His jaw dropped and he turned to face Cain for a second. “A divorce?” He’d never expected to hear this.

  Cain rolled his eyes and shrugged. “It gets better.” He tried to speak with a lighter tone, but Jim could tell he was emotionally shocked.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Hold on to the steering wheel, Jim. This is going to shock you more than anything you’ve heard before.”

  “Just tell me,” Jim said. He forced a smile. “It can’t be that bad. And most of the people we know come from divorced families. Hell, in Princeton people used to marvel at me because my folks were still together.”

  Cain looked down at his legs and said, “He not only wants a divorce, he told us he’s gay, he’s tired of living a lie, and he said he’s been having an affair with someone that didn’t end well.”

  Before Cain could say another word, Jim hit the brakes and pulled to the side of the road. He turned to Cain and gaped at him for a moment. “He told you all that today?” He couldn’t believe Len would come out of the closet, especially not after what he had done with Chase the night before. Now he knew why Len hadn’t called him that day. This went deeper than Jim had thought it did.

  Cain said something Jim didn’t hear. He continued to speak about how fucked up his parents were and all Jim could think about was what Len was going through. Jim had to do something now that he knew all this. But he couldn’t do anything with Cain sitting right there. He had to see Len and explain what had happened with Chase. And he had a feeling deep down in his gut that if he didn’t do it that night he never would. A sense of urgency passed through his body and he couldn’t contain his emotions any longer.

  Cain sighed. “Maybe you could talk to him about being gay, Jim. It might help if he talked to someone who is gay. I don’t know what the fuck to say to him right now.”

  Jim thought for a moment. “I should talk to him,” Jim said. “You’re right. It might help.”

  Then he jumped out of the car while Cain continued speaking. In the pouring rain, he jogged up the driveway, stepping in puddles. He ran to the back of the house first because Cain had said his father had spent the day in his office. He found the little out-building empty and turned back to the house. When he reached the front door he found it unlocked and stepped into the front hall. His entire body dripped with rain and he had to wipe his eyes with the bottom of his shirt so he could see clearly. He shouted Len’s name a couple of times and ran up the front staircase.

  When he reached the top of the stairs, the guest room door opened and he saw Len standing in the doorway. He’d just come out of the shower; his body was almost as wet as Jim’s and the only thing he was wearing was a short white towel set low around his waist.

  Len sent him a stunned look. “What are you doing here? I thought you’d be with your new friend you met at the bar last night.”

  “What did Cain say?” Jim’s chest caved in.

  “Cain told me he hooked you up with someone. He even told me you were gay. Cain thought it was hysterical that he’d fixed you up with someone so you could get laid. He couldn’t stop laughing.”

  “Cain said all that?” Jim asked. His friend had betrayed him once again. “He told me he wouldn’t tell anyone about what happened last night.”

  “That’s how Cain is,” Len said. “I tried to warn you about him. He was dying to tell someone so he told me all about you and this Chase guy late last night.” Len took a step forward. “Did you sleep with him? I want to know. I want to hear it from you.”

  “We aren’t in a committed relationship,” Jim said. “The last time I saw you I had a feeling you’d never come out of the closet and I’d never see you again. I got drunk. I was upset and frustrated. Think about how I felt.”

  Len glared at him. He didn’t raise his voice. “That’s all I have been doing since I met you.”

  Jim lowered his eyes to his shoes and didn’t say anything.

  “You should leave,” Len said. “It’s been a long day.”

  Jim walked toward the doorway and pushed Len back into the guest room with a gentle shove. “Cain told me what happened today. He told me you came out and that you want a divorce.” He spoke with a lower tone, and much faster, so no one would hear him. He didn’t want anyone to know he was the guy Len had been sleeping with yet. It was too soon. It would only make things worse for Len. And yet, he couldn’t seem to control the depth of his feelings no matter how hard he tried. It took all the strength he had not to throw his arms around Len and beg for his forgiveness.

  Len turned his head and glanced down at the floor. He wouldn’t look into Jim’s eyes. “I’m tired of living a lie. I didn’t come out to my family because of you. I’m tired of everything about my life, including you.”

  That comment stung. Jim heard the disappointment in Len’s voice; he could feel it by the way Len refused to look at him. “I made a mistake last night. I was drunk. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. I had no idea you’d ever come out of the closet and ask for a divorce.”

  Len lifted his head and glared at him. “I never said I wouldn’t leave my wife.”

  “I’m not a mind reader,” Jim said, as a tear rolled down his cheek.

  “I wouldn’t have done that to you. I know I’m not perfect, but I deserve better.” He punched the wall. “The thought of you with someone else kills me.”

  Before Jim had a chance to reply, Cain walked up to the doorway and glanced into the bedroom. He looked at his father first, and then he looked at Jim. His face remained blank, as if he couldn’t figure out why his half naked father and best friend were shouting at each other. “What’s going on here? Am I missing something?” He stared at Jim and asked, “Why are you crying? I thought you were going to talk to him about being gay.”

  The entire house went dead silent for a moment. The only sounds came from rain pounding against the windows. Len glanced at Jim with glazed eyes; he stared at his son and then looked down at the floor. “I think you should leave now, Jim. There’s nothing more to say.”

  Cain turned to Jim and asked, “Do you know anything about my father’s mid-life gay crisis and the little fling he’s been having with this secret guy?”

  When Jim looked into Cain’s eyes, he didn’t speak. It only took a second and Cain finally understood the magnitude of the situation. He pressed his palm to his chest
, turned to his father, and said, “Tell me this isn’t happening. You’ve been fucking my best friend?”

  Len didn’t reply. He continued to stare down at the floor in shame.

  “How long has this been going on?” Cain asked. He clenched his fists. “I want to know.”

  “It’s not what you think,” Jim said.

  “What should I think?” Cain asked. “Here I thought you were poor, shy innocent Jim Darling, the gay virgin. While I was hooking you up with a guy your own age last night, trying to help you, you were fucking my dad behind my back. I’m allowed to think anything I want right now. I should probably kick the shit out of you and throw you down the fucking stairs.”

  As Cain moved toward Jim, Len’s head jerked to the side and he shouted. “That’s enough, Cain.” He turned to Jim and said, “You should leave now before my wife comes home and this gets any uglier.”

  “But I want to explain,” Jim said. “I made a mistake last night. I was drunk.” If Cain hadn’t been standing there, he would have pleaded and gone down on his knees. He wanted Len to know Chase meant nothing to him.

  Len turned and headed back to the bathroom, without sending Jim or Cain a backward glance. Cain walked toward the other end of the hall, with his head down and his hands buried in his pockets, dismissing them both with contempt.

  Jim felt a sting in his eyes and tears began to stream down his face. He walked to the bedroom door and back down the steps. He went outside and left the front door wide open. By the time he returned to his car every inch of his body dripped with rain.

  When he sat down behind the steering wheel and thought about the mistake he’d made with Chase, he leaned forward and cried so hard his entire body trembled. He cried because of the expression on Cain’s face when he found out his father was having an affair with his best friend. He cried because he’d cheated on Len with Chase. And he cried because Len was now out of the closet and they still couldn’t be together. He could have handled everything else that had happened. But knowing he’d never be with the man he loved tore his insides to shreds. He would have given his life to go back and change things. He would have ripped his heart from his chest for one more chance with Len. But he knew it was over now, and the only thing he could do was try to figure out how to put his life back together again.