Clarity

by Gabbie S. Duran

  “What is really going on with you and Taylor?” She immediately demanded to know.

  Confused by her question, I simply answer, “Nothing.”

  Slanting her head, she looks at me doubtfully “That’s what she said, but I don’t believe either one of you.”

  “What did she say?” I cheerfully ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.

  Instead of answering my question, her eyes narrow.

  “I don’t know what it is about you, but for the first time Taylor has let someone get to her, so it means something.” That made me perk up, but just as quickly she attacked again. “I’m warning you, Nick. You mess with her, you’re messing with me, and I’m not one to mess with. Do you understand?” she scorns with an ugly twist of her mouth.

  Holding my hands up in surrender, I say, “Understood. I would never do anything to hurt her.”

  She still looks unsure of my answer, but quickly lowers her head and points at my ankle. “Good. Now get your foot up on that table so I can do my job. In the meantime, we’re going to figure out just how serious you are about Taylor.” Doing as she orders, I easily become stunned from her comment. “Don’t look at me that way. I’m not stupid. I’ve caught you eyeing her, so I know there’s more than the both of you are telling me and I intend to find out.”

  Her comment makes me laugh.

  “But I mean it. You break her heart and I’ll break your ankle again.”

  My ringing phone brings me back to the present. Looking down at the screen, I see it’s my mother calling and the thought of speaking with her has me silently cursing.

  “Hello, Mother,” I answer, knowing the next twenty minutes will be a lecturing hell. No matter how much I try to avoid my parents, it’s inevitable, especially with my mother.

  THE DAY ENDS without any further problems, although we had a circus of a day. We managed to pull through and the next day is much the same routine. It isn’t until the end of Tuesday when I’m on the L that the events of two non-stop days catch up with me. By the time I walk into the door of my apartment, I feel exhausted. Katie is in the kitchen cooking dinner, already appearing to be her cheerful, bubbly self.

  “Hey there, I’m cooking spaghetti tonight so I hope you’re hungry,” she states before pounding the spoon on the pot and placing it on the counter. The sound alone makes me wince from the headache I’ve been keeping at bay on the walk home. I was also sweating the entire time, as if I’d just completed a marathon. The thought of eating has my stomach twisting in knots.

  “I’m sorry, Katie. I’m tired. I think I’m going to just go lie down for a bit.” Giving her an apologetic smile, I make a beeline for my room. Shedding my coat, my scrubs come off next and I throw myself on my bed. All I want to do is sleep. It seems only a couple of minutes later have passed when I hear Katie lecturing me.

  “Are you ever going to get up?” she asks from my doorway. Rolling over to face her, I’m barely able to crack my eyelids to make out her silhouette. My mouth feels dry and my stomach is turning in every direction.

  “I’m sorry, Katie. I’m still not hungry,” I mumble.

  The effort alone is making me want to throw up. I’m completely soaked all over, feeling as if I just exited the shower.

  “Taylor, it’s morning. You slept straight through the night,” she informs me, her voice sounding as if it’s echoing in the room. The cool touch of her hand is felt against my forehead, and it’s welcoming. “Shit, Tay. You’re burning up.”

  Groaning, I attempt to sit up but it only makes me dizzy and I’m forced to close my eyes to keep the room from spinning. The movement threatens my stomach contents to rise up my throat, making me gag. Katie is quick to bring over my trash bin seconds before I begin to vomit. When there is nothing left to throw up, my head lands back on the pillow in a hard thud, feeling as if a hammer has pounded on it.

  “I was lucky enough to not have a fever, so that must suck for you.” Katie’s remark makes me groan in pain. Her retreating footsteps can be heard through the darkness behind my closed lids. A few minutes later she returns and hands me some pills. Opening my eyes, I find her holding out a glass of water.

  “I’ll make sure to let our boss know it’s your turn to stay home,” she voices before pulling the covers up over my shoulders and disappearing. The sound of the front door can be heard opening and closing soon after, notifying me she’s left.

  With Katie gone, the apartment is draped in silence and I’m able to drift off into sleep again. Time passes in a peaceful bliss, but I awaken when the touch of something cool wipes at my face and neck. The coolness of the cloth is refreshing on my burning forehead. With every effort I can muster, my eyes open to a slit and sitting next to me is a silhouette of a body. The scent reminds me of Nick, but I’m sure I must be dreaming. I have to be.

  Awakening again, this time with the urge to pee, I push my weakened body from the bed, struggling to stand up.

  “Hey, you’re finally up.” The deep voice causes me to snap my head up and look in its direction. Walking towards me is Nick carrying a tray containing a bowl and other contents I can’t clearly make out at the moment.

  “What are you doing here?” I rasp out. My throat feels dry and scratchy. “How did you even get in?”

  “Katie gave me her key,” he casually answers, placing the tray down on my side table before standing and sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He’s so tall; I have to crane my neck to look up at him, giving me a crick in my neck.

  “Why?”

  “She told me you had the flu now and I convinced her it’d be a good idea for me to check on you in case you got worse.”

  Knowing Katie wouldn’t just give in so easily to his request, I skeptically look at him. “I know you’re lying,” I throw back at him.

  He chuckles. “I may have also told her you could be here having a seizure from the fever and she wouldn’t even know it.” A grin spreads across his face, evidently satisfied with himself. “That one pretty much did it for her.”

  Katie would have been a sucker for that proclamation.

  With the heaviness of my bladder making itself known once again, I attempt to stand one more time, but my weak legs have me nearly stumbling to the floor. If it weren’t for Nick’s quick reflexes, I would be lying sprawled across the floor.

  “You really shouldn’t be getting up out of bed,” he says to me, sounding upset that I even attempted to get up.

  My miserable attempt to shove him away fails since my arms are so weak. The action takes the only energy I have left, leaving me slumping against his chest.

  “I need to go pee,” I confess, sounding pathetic when I say it.

  I yelp in surprise when he picks me up and walks us down the hall towards my bathroom. I’m too delusional from the spinning still in my head to be able to enjoy the touch of our bodies. Inside the bathroom, he gently places me in the middle of the room then steps back to casually look at me.

  “I’ve got it from here,” I inform him, grabbing onto the sink for support. In the reflection of the mirror, I catch the uncertainty in his eyes. I patiently wait for him to comprehend my unwillingness to move until he leaves. When he gets the point, he gradually retreats from the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Finding my reflection in the mirror, I’m mortified when I see I’m still only wearing my bra and underwear. I’d completely forgotten I had disrobed.

  Ugh . . . Great, now I have to live with the thought of knowing Nick has seen me half naked. My urge to pee has me quickly pushing the thought aside to take care of business. Washing my hands and face when done, I brush my teeth next. God only knows what my breaths smells like after this morning’s retching. Wrapping myself up in a towel, I muster the strength I will need to return to my room before I open the door.

  I wasn’t expecting to find Nick waiting for me in the hallway. He’s standing against the wall looking impatient with his arms crossed over his chest. “Took you long enough. I was about to go in after you in
another minute,” he chastises.

  Glaring at him for his comment, I try to take my first step out of the bathroom, but Nick is already stepping forward to pick me back up.

  “Nick, I can walk,” I argue, but he ignores my protest and continues back to the room, gently lowering me onto my bed. The soft feel of clean sheets brushes against my skin, unlike the ones I had awakened in. “Did you change my sheets?”

  “Yeah, the other ones smelled pretty nasty,” he replies, pulling my comforter up to cover me. Feeling my forehead, he grimaces while he asks, “When was the last time you took some medicine?”

  “This morning. I think?” Still feeling disoriented, I can’t quite remember.

  “You should lie back down and I’ll go search for the medicine.”

  “I feel as if I’ve been sleeping for days.”

  He chuckles at my response. “That’s normal. Just lie down and I’ll be right back,” he urges, gently shoving my shoulder back down towards the bed. The stubbornness inside of me doesn’t want to lie down as I try to sit back up.

  “Stay down, Taylor.” This time I’m forcefully pushed back with a reprimand.

  A memory resurfaces and I panic.

  The image of Josh forcing me to the ground flashes through my mind. His appearance is clear, as if it’s currently happening. As before, I try shoving him away with as much strength as I can muster, but I fail. I’m weak. My arms don’t have the strength I’m searching for. His words to stop fighting are screaming in my head. The grip on my shoulders continues to force me down, pushing me to keep fighting as I scream at the top of my lungs, praying someone will save me.

  My fists are pummeling his chest. My head is thrashing back and forth with every scream. My legs have managed to kick him, giving me the chance to scramble away. It doesn’t matter where; my only aim is to escape. My will to fight keeps me moving, regardless of where I’m going. I fall, landing with a thump against the ground, leaving me confused. Wasn’t I already on the ground?

  “Taylor!”

  The deep tone of a man’s voice snaps me back into action, but for some reason I’m unable to move. My chance of escape is rendered hopeless as a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist. In my mind, Josh has caught me and he’s going to continue what he’d intended from the beginning.

  “Get off me, Josh! Get. Off. Me!” My hysterical pleas to stop are pathetic to him as his grip tightens. I’m trapped with nowhere to go. As much as I want it to end quickly, I want him off of me. Now.

  “Taylor—Taylor, please calm down, baby.”

  Is he actually pleading his request?

  I’m usually the one begging.

  Then it occurs to me, he’s never held me in his arms. He’s never pleaded. The deep voice rumbling next to my ear doesn’t sound like him, either. This voice is calming, yet sounds so familiar and makes me fight to leave the darkness. I fight with all my might to reach for it. My fight is now to push the awful image of Josh away. The nightmare surrounding me starts to fade away and I register it’s Nick’s voice pulling me away. It’s his voice demanding I leave the nightmare. He’s still holding me tightly as I slowly start to calm down.

  “You’re okay, I’m right here. It’s only me, Nick.”

  “Nick?”

  I can feel him rubbing his hand on my back in an effort to comfort me as he says into my ear, “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” His voice is laced heavy with concern. The sound of his voice keeps pulling me back, removing me completely from the darkness that’s my nightmare.

  With my eyes now completely open, I see I’m not in the dark forest anymore, but in my bedroom, and I can still hear Nick murmuring into my ear to calm down. Just hearing his voice and knowing that I’m safe, I know he’s right and I breakdown crying. My tears turn into uncontrollable sobs as he keeps me wrapped in his arms. My fist automatically grabs onto his shirt, refusing to allow him to pull away. Nick’s voice has managed to pull me from the darkness of my nightmare.

  I don’t know how long I sit in Nick’s arms crying, but he never once complains, leaving me gratified for the comfort. Eventually my emotions calm enough to look up into his eyes, which are curiously looking down at me.

  “Hey there, you okay?”

  My throat is dry and hoarse from all the screaming, or maybe the crying. I don’t know which. Either way, I nod, feeling embarrassed over the entire situation.

  “I’m so sorry,” I rasp out.

  “It’s okay,” he whispers, his hand smoothing the hair from my face.

  His body is warm and the feeling of his breath against my ear has me shivering with delight. Leaning my head against his shoulder, I take advantage of his arms still wrapped around me. With my eyes closed, I savor his unique smell while trying to figure out why it all started.

  I’ve only ever had those episodes in my dreams. Katie has dealt with them in the past, but never once have they occurred with anyone else, especially with a man. I’ve never once allowed myself in a situation where it might occur.

  Feeling ashamed for still being in Nick’s arms, I try standing but find I’m still too weak. Lifting me up by the hips as if I weigh nothing, Nick helps me to stand.

  “Taylor, what just happened?”

  With too many emotions coursing through my mind, his question is like a bucket of cold water to the memory I’ve just left. I wish I could tell him, but I refuse to accept his pity at this moment. I’m ashamed as it is.

  “Are you going to answer me?”

  “No,” I answer, trying to step around him.

  “Why not?”

  “Because you don’t need to know,” I clip out as I glare at him.

  Nick stays silent, but by the hurt in his eyes, I know I’ve offended him.

  “Trust me, Nick. You don’t want to know,” I reply, managing to step away to the other side of the bed. “I’m so sorry for messing up the bed,” I utter, trying to tidy up as much as possible to distract him.

  His chuckle behind me makes me turn to face him. “It’s fine. I would’ve preferred we mess it up another way.” The comment has me growing furious, especially so soon after my episode.

  “That’s all you ever think of, isn’t it?” I snap at him.

  “Taylor, I’m sorry.” His agonized tone makes me turn away. “It’s just a bad habit I have.” I hear his apologetic plea from across the room where he’s still standing by the bed.

  Already at my dresser retrieving a shirt to put on, I yank it on before taking my anger out on the drawer as I slam it shut.

  “It’s not your problem, it’s mine. I have to learn how to deal with it,” I forcefully say while trying to blink away the tears forming in my eyes. “I think it’s best if you leave, Nick.”

  “Taylor, I don’t want to leave you alone.”

  “Just leave!”

  Silence surrounds us both for the next couple of minutes.

  “I’m really sorry about what I said, Taylor,” I hear him say from the doorway, his footsteps soon following his words.

  Hearing the click of the front door, I finally break down and cry again, the painful memory of what I’ve done shattering my entire soul. Using the only ounce of energy I have left, I walk to the bed and throw myself onto the mattress, allowing the tears to fall as I lay in misery over what I have done.

  I’M STILL CRYING when Katie knocks on the door. Remembering Nick borrowed her key, I get up to let her in¸ still crying as I open the door. Katie takes in my tear-streaked face and she looks ready to attack.

  “What did he do?”

  “It was my fault,” I respond between sniffles as I shut the door. Her perfectly arched brow goes high, doubtful of my answer. Breaking down, I tell her everything that occurred. By the time I’m done explaining, she’s trying to comfort me.

  “He probably hates me,” I murmur, wiping my nose with the tissue she hands me.

  “He doesn’t hate you, Taylor. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s confused as hell.”

  She grabs my hand, c
oercing me to open it. “What is this?” she asks, trying to take the small Post-it note I’ve had clutched in my hand since Nick walked out of the door. I’d taken it from my side drawer near my bed after he’d left, wanting to have a piece of him near after I’d so crudely pushed him to leave. Reading it, her eyes go wide before finding mine. “When did he give you this?”

  “Monday, right before he left. We had another disagreement during his appointment and I’d escaped to the bathroom to hide knowing he’d go straight to my office afterwards. I found it when I got back.”

  A smile spreads across her lips.

  “What?” I question the smirk on her face.

  “I knew it!” she exclaims, looking smug with herself. “You like him.”

  “It’s not what you think, Katie.” Her eyes narrow at me with an unsatisfied scowl. “You know damn well nothing can come out of this. He was my patient.”

  “Was,” she clarifies. “He’s my patient now, which means you’re welcome to date him.”

  Shaking my head in denial, I say, “We’ve already gone over this. I’m not his type and he’d only resent me when I don’t put out.”

  Rolling her eyes at my proclamation, she asks, “Who said you have to put out?”

  I look at her with arched brows. “You can honestly tell me he won’t expect me to have sex with him?”

  “Nobody said you had to put out right away. Guys like to earn it sometimes,” she voices with a wag of her brows. I glare at her for her persistency. “Taylor, give the guy a chance. What’s the worst that can happen?”

  I want to say by giving him a chance he’ll most likely do as Josh did—break me in more ways than one: my heart, my soul, my spirit. But to tell her all those reasons would be to admit that Nick is the first person who makes me believe it can happen again.

  “I don’t know, Katie,” I croak out.

  “You won’t know unless you try,” she argues.

  My audible sigh has her smiling. I remain silent as she rises to walk over to the kitchen, leaving me on the couch still pondering my thoughts. She returns minutes later, handing me a glass of water and holding a glass of wine in her own hand. Tapping her glass to mine, she says, “Here’s to falling in love.”