Clarity

by Gabbie S. Duran

  “Where did he go?”

  “Nick was suspended for the remainder of the game.”

  “Serves him right,” I comment, more at a non-existent Nick who is nowhere for me to lecture.

  For the next couple of minutes, replay after replay of the battle is repeated, throwing me into an angered state of mind. My phone pings in my hand distracting me from the chaos on the screen I’m staring at.

  I would have never guessed Wilson.—Nick

  You’ve got some nerve, I comment back.

  Almost immediately my phone is pinging with a response.

  For replying?—Nick

  For causing a fight! I just as quickly reply.

  Please tell me you’re in the stands so I can come get you.—Nick

  My eyes go wide as I gape at the phone.

  You wish, I sourly respond.

  He surprises me when my phone begins ringing and Nick’s number appears on the screen. Without a second’s pause, I answer.

  “I was watching the game on the TV and only because Katie put the game on,” I say, blaming her. “And I can’t believe you actually started a fight. Are you crazy? You could have injured yourself again,” I lecture into the phone. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I ask, breathlessly ending my lecture.

  “Are you done?”

  “Yes, I’m done,” I throw back at him, irritated.

  I hang up on him, infuriated by his question.

  Taking my frustration out on the phone, I toss it down onto the couch in between Katie and me. The phone begins ringing again. Still aggravated, I stare at it, refusing to answer.

  “You’re not going to answer it?”

  “No,” I furiously mumble back to Katie. She surprises me by picking up the phone and answering it herself. My hands reach out to try to take the phone from her, but it’s too late as she begins speaking into it.

  “She’s pissed.” I watch her as she listens into the phone, her head slightly nodding and agreeing to whatever it is he’s saying. “It’s your head, not mine,” she replies, leaving me confused when she hangs up the phone.

  “What did he say?”

  “He wants to know why you didn’t answer the phone.”

  Childishly crossing my arms across my chest, I keep silent while directing my eyes at the commercials.

  “What else did he say?”

  “I’m going out,” she answers, standing up from the couch and turning the television off before she begins walking away.

  “That’s not what he said,” I retort, following her down the hall and into her bedroom.

  “No, it’s not, but I have a date and I’m already late.”

  “No you don’t!” I shout at her retreating back. “Katie, if you don’t tell me what he said, I’m going to beat it out of you.”

  She turns, her eyebrow arched high. “Weren’t you just lecturing Nick about fighting?” she teases. The fury in my eyes is what has her answering my earlier request. “He’s coming over.”

  “What?” I shout back at her. “I thought you were on my side?”

  Sighing, she walks over to stand in front of me, her hands reaching up to rest on my shoulders. “You’ve done nothing but mope around for the last week. I’m tired of it. You miss him. We both know that. I may not be happy with what the douche did, but I could hear it in his voice, he’s just as miserable as you are.”

  “So?”

  “So you guys need to figure your shit out.” I shake my head in refusal, but Katie catches my attention again by shaking my shoulders. “Yes, you are,” she argues. “And I do have a date, which I’m now late for.”

  She shoves me out of her room, leaving me no choice but to retreat to my own. I sit on my bed, waiting as the minutes gradually pass by. Sometime later, Katie peeks her head inside, informing me she’s leaving and wishing me luck on her way out. My eyes grow heavy from lack of sleep. Too weak to resist, I soon fall asleep.

  A heavy knock on the door startles me awake. With my heart beating erratically, I take leaded steps towards the door. I hesitantly open the door to find Nick’s remorseful eyes staring back at me.

  “Can I come in?” he timidly asks.

  Granting him access, my hands grip at the door to keep myself from reaching out to touch him as he brushes by me. Closing the door after he enters, I turn to find him standing directly in front of me. His hands engulf my face, bringing his lips down onto mine. I reach out to grip his waist, pulling him to close the gap in between us.

  Days’ worth of sorrow and grief are still present in my mind, but my heart has already surrendered to his kiss. The warmth of his tongue gliding against my own is a presence I’ve been deeply craving for these past four days. The feel of his body against mine is a comfort I hadn’t known I’d longed for until now. The tenderness in his touch is just as familiar as it had been from the last time I had seen him.

  Our kiss comes to an end and my mind is silently whimpering from the loss of his lips as he pulls away. His hands are still possessively digging into my hair to hold me in place.

  “I missed you so much, Taylor. I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve already said that.”

  “I know, but . . .” He sighs, sounding frustrated. “What do I have to do for you to forgive me? Whatever you ask of me, I’ll do it,” he pleads, his hands gently tightening in my hair, as if refusing to let me go.

  My mind knows I can’t risk forgiving him just yet, but my heart is begging otherwise. All from his one kiss. Tears are ready to emerge and I blink them away.

  “I don’t know,” I croak out.

  “I swear, Taylor, if I could turn back time I would never have let it happen.”

  The admission swells my heart, but how will I ever know if his words are truthful?

  “Please . . .” he pleads, kissing my temple. Pulling away, I look directly into a pair of eyes full of remorse and sorrow.

  “I don’t know if I can handle having my heart broken again,” I truthfully admit.

  “I won’t break your heart.”

  “You don’t know that,” I say as I pull away.

  “Yes, I do.” I doubtfully stare at him, unable to believe his words. “I don’t know what you’ve done to me, Taylor, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Ever. I don’t want to know what it would feel like to completely lose you.”

  I swallow to keep myself from admitting he has the same effect on me. I’ve known it from the moment we first bickered.

  “Can we just go back to the beginning?” I ask.

  Letting out a sigh of relief, he says, “As long as it’s not too far back where I have to wait to kiss you. I don’t know if I can endure having to wait to earn your trust all over again.”

  “It’s too late,” I respond.

  He stiffens. “If I have to earn your trust a hundred times over, then I will.” Pulling me close to envelop me in his arms, the warmth of his body has me melting into his embrace.

  Turning back time seems like the most logical answer at this point, but it’s impossible. Regardless of what he says or does, I know things will never be the same.

  WITH MY ARMS tightly wrapped around Taylor, I keep asking myself if I’m dreaming. Holding her still feels surreal. For the past week, I’ve only experienced it in my dreams. I want nothing more than to stay asleep, to be able to hold onto her. I’d come to believe it was all I had left. Brushing my nose against her hair and inhaling her sweet smell, I realize I’ve missed it just as much as holding her.

  “Why did you start the fight?”

  “He hit me first,” I laugh out. Jerking her head back, she glares at me.

  “Now you just sound like a child,” she reprimands.

  “I was pissed. Not at him, but at myself. It was just easier to take it out on him.”

  “Was it worth getting kicked out of the game for?” she asks, sounding irritated. Unfortunately, her fury makes me smile. I’ve come to love the furious side of Taylor. It’s what drew me to her.

  “Can we not
talk about that? I want to talk about us.”

  Her lips go flat and her eyes are looking anywhere but at my own. She’s avoiding my question. A drawn out silence gradually starts to overtake the room, worrying me.

  “Taylor,” I croak out, pulling her attention back to me.

  She pushes herself away from my embrace, leaving me with a sense of loss from her now absent body. “I don’t know what to do, Nick. Did you honestly think you would just be able to come over and I’d easily forgive you?”

  The blood drains from my face from her question. It’s a sign she isn’t willing to forgive me.

  “I can’t help but think your parents were right.” Her statement both angers and pains me.

  “They’re not the ones who would make the decision for me, Taylor.”

  “You led them to believe they can. You never once spoke up during dinner!” she throws back at me. My mouth opens to dispute, but I’m quickly cut off before I have the chance. “It was then you should have been saying those words, not now. Not when it’s too late.”

  “Don’t say that,” I desperately plead as I step towards her, but she retreats, moving further from my reach. “I went back. I did tell them. You’re all that matters now, Taylor.” Her eyes stare back at me with uncertainty.

  Stepping forward to catch her before she can react, I look directly into her eyes as I say, “Stop thinking you’re not worth anything, Taylor. You’re worth more than you’ll ever know. What’s it going to take for you to understand that?”

  She swallows as her eyes become glassy, but she blinks to keep from shedding her tears. Instead, she tries pulling away but my lips are already descending down onto hers, hoping to kiss her agony away. She responds by gripping onto my forearms, pulling me to close the small gap between us. When we end the kiss, she slightly shakes her head.

  “I can’t be with you wondering how long it will be before you break my heart again.”

  “I already told you—”

  Before I have a chance to finish, she argues, “I believed you in the beginning and I trusted you then.”

  She’s right. My own selfishness made me determined to earn her trust and when I’d done so, I’d just as easily taken advantage of what she’d hesitantly given me.

  “I’m so sorry, Taylor,” I shamefully let out. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m asking you to at least give me another chance.”

  Her hands are gripping my wrists, as if contemplating whether or not to pull my hands away. Instead, her hands tighten, a sign she’s still struggling with her decision. A nerve-wracking silence fills the room as I await her answer.

  She gently nods her head, allowing me to breathe in relief. The entire time I waited for her answer, I was left with a sense of heaviness, fearing she’d deny my request. I pull her against my chest, feeling as if the weight of the past week has finally lifted from my shoulders. It may only be the beginning of the battle to earn her trust again, but knowing she’s giving me the chance has made me more hopeful than when I’d last left her.

  Her head is now resting against my chest as my arms securely wrap around her body. She lets out a heavy sigh followed by an exhausted yawn. She’s struggling to disguise it behind her palm, but watching her makes it contagious.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I woke you when I got here, didn’t I?” I ask, remembering her sleep filled eyes when she answered the door.

  She answers with another nod, struggling to keep her eyes open as she lays her head back down against my chest. The sight of her fatigue hadn’t gone unnoticed in the brief second I’d taken her in before she allowed me inside her apartment. But the need to hold her, to kiss her, had completely distracted me.

  “Would it be selfish of me to ask to stay the night with you?” I bravely ask. Her head yanks back as she looks at me with uncertainty. “I just want to hold you, Taylor. Just like in the beginning.” My statement seems to help calm her anxious mind, but she’s still impassively looking at me, making me feel uneasy.

  I’m preparing myself for her to say “no” as she relinquishes her hold from my waist, but surprisingly she reaches down to take my hand and leads me towards her bedroom. I shut the door behind us, enclosing us in the darkness before she tugs me in the direction of her bed. She releases my hand before I hear the rustling of clothing and the sound of a creak from her mattress.

  Removing my shoes, socks, and shirt, but leaving my pants on, I climb in next to her to lie down. Her legs are bare, her body only covered with a shirt, explaining the earlier rustling I’d heard. I can’t resist my smile when she entangles her body with mine. Placing a kiss on her temple, I feel her breathing slow, alerting me she has quickly fallen asleep.

  Sleep eludes me for another hour. The adrenaline of the night is leaving me to stare off into the distance of the room’s darkness, my mind drifting off to the possibilities of what could have been the outcome of tonight.

  Taylor twitches in my hold, startling me from my thoughts. My mouth finds the hollow of her neck in an attempt to calm her, allowing me to taste and lightly kiss along her soft skin. It reminds me of how sweet every inch of her has always tasted against my tongue. Feeling content with Taylor in my arms, I feel her body tremble and this time she lets out a soft whimper. I’ve felt her this way before, right before she awakes from a nightmare. I tense, preparing for the worst.

  I arch higher, thrusting upwards to meet Nick’s lips. His hands are skimming against my skin, provoking my desire to rise with every inch that he touches. He lifts his head, greeting me with his teasing smile, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. It’s the same gaze every time he brings me to the brink of completion. My mind knows what’s coming. It’s mentally prepared for the loss I will soon feel. But as always, I can’t pull myself awake. I’m silently screaming, begging, for him to stay.

  My arms reach out for him, still begging, crying. I scream for him not to leave, but my plea is useless. I have no voice. Only a silent cry escapes my lips as his retreating steps put distance between us. I follow, hoping to catch up to him. He’s within grasp. My arm extends as far out as it can stretch, but he’s not close enough for me to reach.

  It’s useless.

  He’s gone.

  A sense of loneliness has replaced the comfort of his arms, filling the hollow of my shattered heart. I can blame no one but myself. Falling to my knees, I continue screaming, unable to contain my sorrow any longer. Darkness overcomes me and I welcome it. It will replace the agony I’ve brought upon myself.

  “Taylor . . .”

  Nick’s familiar voice is calling out to me.

  Searching, I’m alone, still trapped in my nightmare. My crying intensifies from the agony of being teased.

  “Taylor, baby. Wake up.”

  The voice pulls me completely from the nightmare. My hands aggressively grip the sheets of my bed. Gasping, my lungs demand I fill them with air.

  “Shhh, it’s okay, baby. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” he murmurs, rubbing his hand up and down my back to comfort me.

  “Come here,” he requests, already lifting my body to turn and straddle his waist.

  I hear his words, yet I’m still doubtful. The palms of my hands find his face, feeling, needing to confirm he’s real.

  “You’re still here?”

  “Where else would I be?”

  “You left me.” It comes out as a whimper.

  “Taylor, I told you I wasn’t giving up on you.” The meaning of his words still has me baffled as I remember his promise. He pulls me to his chest, closing the small gap between us. “What were you dreaming about? It wasn’t your usual nightmare, was it?”

  I’m afraid to admit the truth. His next question keeps me from answering.

  “How long have you been having them?”

  “Since the night you left.” Laying my head on his shoulder, the sound of his beating heart comforts me back to a serene state.

  “Will you tell me about them now?” His deep
voice is just as comforting as his touch. “You were begging me not to leave. I want to know why you would think that.”

  I don’t want to speak of the dream, but my conscience is telling me I should no longer keep secrets from him. It wouldn’t be fair after all the text messages I’d read earlier.

  “It’s not about him,” I inform Nick in case he thinks I’m still dreaming of Josh. “They’re about us. It starts with us having sex.”

  “Making love,” he corrects. “I don’t think I’ve ever had sex with you, Taylor.” His statement lightens my heart.

  “It starts with us making love,” I correct my earlier words. “Before we finish, you leave. It’s the same every time.”

  Soft lips meet the hollow of my neck. “That’s never going to happen, Taylor. Nothing will ever pull me away from you.”

  “You keep saying that, Nick, but it’s hard for me to believe.”

  “Tell me why you’re so afraid, Taylor.” I can hear the desperation in his voice. “Is it because of your dreams?”

  “It’s hard for me to believe anyone would care for me. My own mother made me feel more like a burden than her daughter.”

  He’s silent for a moment. “I’m sorry you had such a shitty life, Taylor, but that won’t change the way I feel about you,” he says, feathering kisses against my temple. “And I’ll always be here to pull you from your nightmares.”

  Burying my face in the crook of his neck, I inhale his unique scent, a smell I’ve so greatly desired. My lips find the smoothness of his skin, gently trailing kiss after kiss along his shoulder. His body stiffens, the soothing of his hand on my back coming to a halt.