My Love

by Sabrina Zbasnik

  Her hand whipped out so fast to catch his wrist and yank it back it was a blur. "You don't want to be doing that, Milord," she spat out before resuming standing like a statue.

  Other than that, it was an incredibly boring night and Gavin was aching to slide under the thin blanket and get to sleep. Surely they wouldn't make them stand here forever. Unless it was a test.

  Maker, not another one.

  Lights lifted as if someone spontaneously lit all the candles in the candelabras at once and some soft groaning broke through the group. "Well," Ser Daryan stepped away from her post, "that's it."

  Gavin blinked in surprise a moment. It was? Just a wave of the fingers and the pomp and ceremony was finished?

  "Wh...what happened?"

  His Knight pointed to a golden skirt slipping up the stairs, "Her Majesty is heading to bed. We're no longer needed. Do what you wish, squire, but I'd suggest you take sleep when you can. Tomorrow might be rather full." The woman groaned, her legs stiff as she walked towards the door.

  Gavin focused anew on the world around him. While he stood watch he didn't take it in. Sure, he looked out for danger, in as much as anyone could while armed with a long bowstaff, but he hadn't really accepted that he was standing in the middle of a party. Not just any party but a fancy one with royalty and tiny finger foods. The last party he was at they had a full roast boar in the middle of the room for anyone to yank handfuls off. He was also eleven and it was Satinalia. His parents weren't big on celebrating with others.

  "Hey," hands waved in front of his face, and Gavin looked down to find Snowy leaping about before him. "Hello. Are you in there?"

  "Yes," Gavin smiled at the antics of the dwarf that slept above him.

  "Let's fly this gilded coop," Snowy said, jerking one of the empty bottles that'd been on his head around the proceedings.

  A yawn reached Gavin's mouth and he managed to do that while also finally tackling that itch. No doubt his father would be so proud at his gentlemanly behavior. "Sleep," he had to pause for a second yawn, "sounds inviting."

  "Sleep nothing," Snowy tugged aside his red tunic to reveal a bottle tucked under his arm.

  "Is that...?" Gavin gasped. "Did you steal that?"

  The dwarf rolled his eyes skyward, "It doesn't count as stealing if they were gonna waste it anyway. Come on, before Cal and his cronies try to muster in on this." Gavin followed Snowy's cautious gaze to watch as the other boys, released from their duties, were circling around the girls in dresses. Most of the nobs were quick to lift up their noses and scoff, they'd already picked their choices during the dance, but a few were humoring Calenhad. No doubt they'd already known the Bann's younger child from before he was shipped off to become a squire.

  Given the two choices, Gavin much preferred Snowy's idea of topping off the night. "All right, where do we go?"

  "Follow me!" the dwarf chuckled and took off at a nearly full run towards the back doors.

  Out across the open courtyard, Snowy didn't slow down until they reached a back half of the palace almost to the point they were outside the gates themselves. A handful of older towers sat here, long since abandoned and in desperate need of repair or being torn down. There was some obvious structural damage to the...

  "Are you going to get up here or not?" Snowy's voice echoed from an open hole in one of the red stone towers. Before Gavin could give a response, he followed after and stepped inside. If there'd been a staircase it'd long since rotted away, but someone took the time to leave ladders nailed up to the wall.

  The two of them climbed up to a part of the leaning battlements and inched out onto the wall line together. Turning to look behind him, Gavin gasped at the city stretched further than he could see. Mage lights burned a haunting blue in lines highlighting the streets and houses. A few reds lit up the sky from people no doubt cooking or warming their houses. Gavin paused and ran a hand across his sweaty forehead. Probably not wasting wood to warm up. He gripped his hands to the stone edges and stared transfixed at the life beyond the walls.

  There was so much of it out there, further than he could see. Even with a spyglass he couldn't spot the edge of the city. It was amazing, unbelievable. How could so many people exist in one place and not drive each other mad or starve?

  "Hey," Snowy spoke up, distracting Gavin from his wandering thoughts. He turned back to find the dwarf with his stolen bottle pressed to his lips. "Are ya drinkin' or are ya staring?"

  Nodding his head, Gavin slipped to sit down on the old wall and watched as his bunkmate took a longer swig. "Ah!" Snowy smacked his lips, "not bad. Bit weak, but..." He passed it over to Gavin who tried to twist the bottle around to read the label, but with only the stars and moon it was nothing more than a large S and then squiggles.

  Abandoning hope, he pressed the wet glass edge to his mouth, braced himself, and tipped it back. "Merciful Maker!" Gavin gasped, somehow managing to get that liquid fire down his throat instead of spraying it at his friend.

  Snowy laughed at that and took the bottle back, "Knew you weren't a drinker. Mam had us on shit this strong when we were teething, ne'er mind when you get an axe stuck in your arm and need to dull the pain."

  "I..." Gavin tried to blot away the pain but his eyes were tearing up. "I'm not, it's true."

  "Yeah," Snowy took another drink and sighed again. "Doubt you go in for any of the vices."

  "That's not..." his stomach thudded deeper down, Gavin staring limply at his hands. "That's not fully true."

  "Le's see," Snowy ticked his fingers, "I ain't heard you curse, not properly like. I ain't seen you sneak food. You didn't pop off Cal's head even when you had good reason. And you're not sniffin' after skirts right this second. Unless you're a boastful prick when no one's looking, yer cleaner than Andraste."

  "No one's as pristine as the Bride of the Maker," Gavin sputtered, partially in shock at the blasphemy, but also feeling indignant at the assumptions.

  "Yup," Snowy chuckled, "knew you'd be religious too." He laughed again, tipping the bottle back, when he froze and wild eyes honed in on Gavin, "Yer not gonna try to convert me, are you?"

  "I...I doubt I'd even know where to begin," Gavin said truthfully, but it was enough to cause Snowy to laugh and hand the bottle back.

  "Take slower sips, like a baby bird. Sip sip sip, then it won't burn so bad." He watched his protégé follow his advice, Gavin able to take down more of the alcohol than before. "So, how'd you wind up out here in the mucks of all places?"

  "Huh?" Gavin was starting to get the hang of this. He tipped the bottle back further, letting more of the liquid gold slide down his throat with only a slight tickle behind it.

  "King talked to you, Arl wandered by to see what you were up to, even that pretty princess was making eyes with you..."

  "She was not," Gavin gasped out fast, this time spraying some of the liquor on his friend.

  Snowy took it all in good stride, wiping the spittle off and taking the bottle back. "Sure she wasn't. She just liked 'talking' to a muddy ol' squire. Maker, that one ain't fair. Princesses are supposed to be plain, or so vain about it all their skin turns bright green. But she's...far too easy on the eyes to be so untouchable. Ya know what I mean?"

  Gavin pinched his lips together while watching his fingers dance in and through each other. It was fascinating as if he could bisect his own flesh and...oh, his eye was closed.

  "Or, do ya not know what I mean?"

  "Hm?" he tried to focus on Snowy's words, aware that his mind was feeling fluffy. Maker, he missed the abbey's pillows. They were all as fluffy as marshmallows, here he was better off using a rock. "Oh," what his roommate was driving at struck Gavin like cold water to his face. "No, I...I agree, she's quite lovely."

  "But out of your reach too?" The dwarf kept on trying to figure him out. He acted as if Gavin was some secret spy that was only in the squire program to sniff a threat out. The truth was far more boring.

  "Yes," Gavin nodded, "despite her father not despising me, she
's far out of my reach."

  Reaching forward, Snowy shoved the last few drops of the bottle into Gavin's hands. "Good. There's prettier and easier out there, believe you me."

  "That..." Gavin tipped back the bottle, trying to wash away a burning at the back of his mind. It had cooled over the years, but the aching throb of his failure, his foolish choice would never leave him. It was a brand of shame of his choosing that only he could see.

  Trying to shake it away and turn the conversation off of girls, Gavin placed the bottle down and asked, "What about you?"

  "Me?" Snowy pointed at his chest, "I love talking about me. Whatcha got?"

  "How'd you wind up here?"

  Snowy paused a moment, "Well, I woke up one day and realized 'hey, there ain't a lot of dwarven squires running around.' Then I thought to myself, there's an opening if I ever saw one."

  "That's it?" Gavin chuckled.

  "What can I say? I really love carting around some fat arse's sweaty leathers and getting their nicked swords repaired. Makes me feel all warm and squishy inside."

  The lie warmed Gavin, or perhaps it was the liquor. Maybe a little of both. Maker, he swiped a hand along his forehead, leaving a trail of sweat behind on his fingers. "My dad, he's..."

  "Ooh, now we get to the good stuff. You know everyone in the bunks has been wanting to ask about him, but they take one look at you and chicken out."

  "One look at...? Why?" Gavin never thought of himself as intimidating. He was usually graded on par with a lazy house cat when it came to guarding their livestock.

  Snowy blinked a few moments and then muttered, "Right, first thing we do is get you a mirror cause clearly you've never used one. Forget that, your daddy dearest. Big ol' general from a great war before all our time?"

  "General. Ha!" Gavin snorted, his nose burning as if the liquor found a new avenue up through it. Could it do that?

  "Don't tell me, he marches around in his old uniform and constantly relives the glory days."

  "Nope," Gavin shook his head enjoying the feel of his ears slicing through the wind. "The exact opposite. He never likes talking about it. It's all...Gavin, I-I don't want to talk about it. And there's some other stuff I can't remember."

  Obviously not what Snowy wanted to hear, the other boy fell into silence. His fingers knocked into the empty bottle, causing a lovely ring to echo through the ramparts. "Wha' about you?" Gavin was having trouble clinging to his vowels, and consonants, and some of the punctuation. "Your dad, is he like? What?"

  "Dunno," Snowy sighed, spinning in place, "never met him. He pulled a runner when I was still in the cradle I guess, so... I don't much care."

  "Well, that's..." Gavin began but the dwarf interrupted him.

  "People come, people go. If they're worth it they stick around, if not, fuck 'em."

  It sounded like the deepest wisdom handed down from a high mountain to Gavin's besotted ears. He nodded along with the thought, trying to imprint it into his mind. If they're not worth it, fuck 'em. Maybe he could get it on a tapestry. Ooh, or a crest. Did his family have a crest? Would he need it if he became a knight or did they just assign one? Why was it so hot out?

  He picked at the tunic they'd had to spot repair to get onto him. Even then he couldn't reach too fast or the shoulders would tear in half. Part of him wanted to take it off, to try and escape the pressing heat, but he remembered Myra's warning and dropped it back onto his body.

  "Hey," Snowy called, the dwarf hanging his head between two stone supports to peer at the ground below. "Isn't that the girl who was harassing you at the well?"

  Gavin stumbled up to his feet, literally as the ground refused to cooperate. But he managed to limp over to stand above Snowy, one hand clinging tight to the wall for balance. "Yeah, it is. Hi Myra!" he shouted, about to wave, when Snowy shot up and grabbed onto his hand.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Saying hello," Gavin tried to explain, afraid the dwarf forgot the concept of simple niceties.

  "You don't 'say hello' out here in the dark towers. People don't come out here when they want to 'say hello.'"

  "No?" He felt his competent mind slipping further away, Gavin barely able to cling to anything. "What do you come out here for?"

  "To do things you don't want others to know you're up to. Like say drinking from a stolen bottle of very expensive alcohol."

  "Ah ha," Gavin nodded, unable to stop a great smile climbing up his face, "you tricked me. It was stolen."

  "Technically, I never said I didn't steal it. Ergo, no lie. Learned that one when I was real little." Snowy paused, his thick hands gripping onto Gavin's forearms to steady the tipsy boy. "Are you gonna say anything?"

  "Nope," Gavin shook his head fast, "Can't. It's the dark space. Towers. Whatever." His roomie laughed at that and patted Gavin on the back.

  "I think we're gonna get along just fine, you and me. You're not as pristine as I thought."

  "You don't know the half of it," Gavin sputtered out, ready to spill everything clinging to his tongue to this man that could spin the entire universe before him. "When I was younger I..."

  "Bwhahahaha!" Massive girlish giggles broke from below, followed by the sounds of glass shattering against a wall. The boys paused in their heart to heart talk to both watch as the blonde reached over to help the brunette. Even in the dark, Gavin could tell the brunette was an elf, her white ears stark by the moonlight. Poor Myra was struggling to hold her friend up, both of their boots slipping and sliding through the wet grass.

  "Looks like we ain't the only ones celebrating tonight," Snowy smiled at the girls who were both singing at the top of their lungs as they moved towards the palace gates. He hoped she got home safe, but more than likely Myra knew every damn cutpurse in Denerim and could handle herself.

  "Yeah," Gavin couldn't knock the worry out of his voice. Even inebriated, worry clung to him like a blanket. He never escaped its clutches.

  Snowy's eyes pinched up tight, so tight Gavin could barely see them under the dwarf's heavy brows. "What's that girl to you, again?"

  "She..." She was so sweet, sweeter than a plum at its ripest. And he was so stupid around her. Barely able to speak unless it was reciting point blank on the topics of things he'd read. It was a wonder Myra put up with him. But, she didn't have a lot of options while at the refuge. Once she got back home, once her letters stopped, he figured she must have found someone better. Maker, he couldn't blame her.

  "She's someone who knows my parents."

  "Ah," Snowy nodded, "Story of yer life, I bet."

  "Something of that nature," Gavin sat transfixed in place. Even though he couldn't see Myra anymore, he could still picture her in that simple yellow dress. The tattered lace made him want to slip a hand over it to see if it was as soft as it looked. But that would be unseemly from him, from someone like him. His duty was to the cause, nothing else. Whipping his head back and forth like a wet dog, Gavin tried to dislodge the memory of her wearing it, but it wouldn't quite take.

  "Okay," Snowy chuckled again. "I think that's enough. Time we be gettin' to bed before you fall face first onto the ground."

  "Nonsense, I'm..." Gavin moved to shake the dwarf off, when his legs fell out from under him. He raced to catch himself, but his chin struck against the wall. The pain rattled up through his teeth and right into his swaddled brain. "Ouch," was all he could get out while struggling to stand properly again.

  "Ouch? Is that it? Take a hit like that and it's a single ouch?" Snowy laughed even while propping Gavin's hand upon his shoulder. The much taller man had to bend over, but he was grateful for the help. "Are you made out of rock? Even dwarves curse when they get one on the chin."

  "I'm real bad at cursing," Gavin muttered, which caused his roomie to break into a long laugh.

  * * *

  He wanted to die. No, not die. Death would bring judgment before the Maker and in his state he would gladly take on whatever form of eternal damnation He dreamed up as long as it took out the sound an
d light. No longer existing sounded much more tempting. To be nothing, to float through the void touching nothing and nothing touching him for eternity.

  Ah, true bliss.

  "Morning, sunshine!" a deliriously perky voice shouted through every bone in his body.

  Gavin grumbled, a hand attempting to knock whoever it was far away from him. It missed and smacked air because he refused to remove the pillow off his face. "Stop," he begged, "please."

  "Well," the loudest whomph in the history of people jumping off of beds erupted from beside him. He wanted to rage, but in his state could only whimper from the auditory attack. "Ol' bilious get to you last night, did he?"

  "Ugh," Gavin wadded the pillow tighter around his head, dead serious about the dying part.

  "Can't have you bein' like this. Your knight might act extra cruel. Here," a hand slid under the gap between pillow and mattress to show off a few roots and herbs.

  "What are these?" Gavin muttered, before hissing at the pain from... Oh Maker, did he get into a fight? When a finger glanced over his chin it all came back to him. No, he was a clumsy idiot, but not a foolhardy moron.

  "My special hangover cure. Just chew 'em."

  Without any other recourse left to him, Gavin bit down on the herbs and groaned. It tasted of every bitter vegetable his mother ever grew. The smell was reminiscent not of his mother's distilling, but when she'd have to clean the equipment between potions. "Blighted hell," he cursed, his mouth overflowing with saliva to try and escape the horrors he inflicted upon his tastebuds.

  "Give it a few and you should be right as rain. Well, that might be a reach. Wantin' to die ought to go at least," Snowy chuckled, each laugh an arrow to Gavin's temples.

  Groaning, he risked yanking the pillow up and blinked against the cruel light of dawn. To think, when he was younger he'd often rise before it without a care in the world. Now it mocked him, each sunbeam burning his eyes to a crisp.

  Snowy patted him on the arm and laughed, "Welcome to the city, farm boy."