by Jana Janeway
“So this is it for you?” She sounded incredulous, but mostly, she asked just to see what his answer would be. “After knowing me for just a few short days, you’re ready to make a lifelong commitment to a virtual stranger?”
“I may not know everything about you, but what I do know, I know I love, and whatever I don’t know, I’ll learn about as we spend our lives together. So, unless you’ve buried multiple husbands, all of whom having died under mysterious circumstances. . .” His quip was meant to lighten the moment a little, which it did, but he grew serious again before continuing. “I doubt there’s anything you could tell me about yourself that would change my opinion or feelings for you.”
“No previous husbands, dead or otherwise.” She smirked, letting him know that she was joking, but it dropped as she asked again, “So this is it for you?”
“That depends on you.” Wanting to prevent the vagueness of his answer from frustrating her, he added quickly, “But yes, for me, this is it. I may not be the smartest man on the planet, but I’m not the stupidest, either. And I’m also not blind to what’s right in front of me. I would have to be blind, not to see what an amazing woman you are, and stupid, not to want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Idly, she began drumming her fingers against his chest, distracting him and herself from just how much his declaration affected her. “If we hadn’t been standing there at gunpoint, them ready to execute us, when do you think you would have told me?”
Even with her touch as innocent as it was, he couldn’t help but respond to it, his words catching in his throat as he struggled to answer. “I—I hadn’t. . . decided that yet. Maybe once we got settled into our new identities?”
She accepted that without comment. “What happens if Bibi and Josiah never approve of us? I don’t want you to hate me, down the line, for being the one who caused you to lose your friends.”
“If I lose my friends, it won’t be because of you,” he insisted. “It’ll be because of their narrow-mindedness and self-created issues. And I could never hate you, okay?
“Josiah, he’ll come around. He’s frustrated right now, but once everything settles down, and we get situated in our new lives, he’ll be fine with things. Bibi, I’ll have a better idea about once I talk to her.”
“If I’m wrong, and she’s not in love with you, what do you suppose her problem is?”
“You mean, for why she seems to have issues with us?”
“Yeah.”
“I really don’t know. . .” Perplexed by his friend’s behavior, he asked, “But if she is in love with me, why didn’t she get upset in the same way she is now, when I was dating Denise or Katie?”
She shrugged, unsure of the answer. “Maybe because she just recently realized her feelings?”
“Maybe.” He didn’t want to think about it anymore. Pushing all unwanted thoughts from his mind, he instead focused on Jessica, on how it felt to hold her in his arms, and his body reacted accordingly. “My heart is racing so fast right now.”
“I know. Mine is, too.” Her admission prompted him to move his hand, to place it over her thundering pulse, causing her breath to quicken in response.
“The Chimie makes you nervous, doesn’t it?”
“A little, but I like it, too. It’s. . . nice.”
“It is nice. Where’s the line?”
The abruptness of the question surprised her, but not what he was asking for. He wanted her to establish the boundaries, before they both became lost to the other. “Above the waist, since we’re basically on display.”
His fingers twitched in anticipation. “Over or under clothes?”
“Both.” Shifting in his arms, she raked her fingers into his hair, pulling him towards her and crushing her lips to his.
Stunned, it took him a few seconds to react, to meet her level of enthusiasm before taking the lead. Inching his hand up under the hem of her top, he caressed her bare skin, his lips then leaving hers to brush kisses towards her neck.
She tilted her head to the side, giving him better access. “Where’s your line?”
“You can touch me anywhere you want to.” Permission given, she started to slide her hand up his thigh, only to stop short of where he wanted it. Still nuzzling, he groaned his disappointment against her skin. “God, Jessica, please, just a few more inches.”
She could feel his need, not just physically but emotionally, and it made her guilt soar. “Should we really be doing this?”
“Probably not, but please,” he begged, “just for a few minutes.”
“You’re not going to want me to stop, Craddock, and you know it.” Both aroused and concerned, she struggled to hold on to clarity and reason, but his wandering fingers were making it difficult. “I want to. Believe me, I do, but not like this. Not before you talk to Bibi, and not in a car, where we could be disturbed at any moment.”
“I agree with what you’re saying, but God, I want your hand pressed up against me so bad right now, I can’t think straight.”
“I want that, too, Craddock. Like what you were doing earlier? That felt so amazing.”
“I’m sorry we were interrupted. We can finish now, if you want to,” he offered, almost desperate for her to agree.
One of her hands fisted his shirt, forcing it to behave as she shook her head. “Please don’t. You can’t say stuff like that to me right now. I don’t have the strength to say no.”
It was too much too fast. He had pushed her too far, overwhelming her when he should have been guiding her slowly. Upset with himself, he removed his hand from under her shirt and wrapped his arms around her, being affectionate rather than trying to excite or seduce.
“We should stop now, while we can. Just. . . give me a minute to calm down, and then we’ll go back inside, okay? That way, with Bibi and Josiah around, we won’t be tempted.”
“Thank you.” She sighed in relief, and in regret. “And I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he soothed. “We have the rest of our lives for this. Right now it’s just. . . bad timing.”
“You were really serious about that, weren’t you? That this is it for you.”
He nodded, his head resting atop hers. “Yes, I was. I just. . . need to know where you stand.”
She hesitated, considering her words first before responding. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. “I know what you want me to say, I’m just not quite ready to say it.”
“When you are, it’ll be the happiest day of my life.”
His confidence brought a smile to her face, his patience encouraged her honesty. “You really are an amazing man, Craddock, and I would have to be blind, or the stupidest woman on the planet, not to see it. I just need more time. Everything is just happening so fast.”
“I know.” Shifting a little, he reached up to caress her cheek with his knuckles. “I know you feel something for me. I can wait to hear the words.”
The knocking on the window startled them both, causing Craddock to whip around to see who was interrupting them. He sighed deeply, irritated, when he saw Josiah fidgeting right outside the door.
He worked to curb his annoyance as he cranked the window down. “What is it, Joe?”
“Sorry to interrupt, but I thought you’d wanna know. . .” Josiah looked back towards the motel room door before finally meeting Craddock’s eyes. “Lilith is on the phone.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
They all listened intently to Bibi’s side of the conversation, Josiah seated next to her on the edge at the side of the bed, Craddock and Jessica sitting on the matching one across from them in similar fashion, the four of them essentially facing each other. It didn’t appear to be a bad call, but it was obviously an emotional one. When Bibi started to cry about halfway through, Josiah put his arm around her, in a sort of loose half hug, as Craddock reached across and placed his hand on her knee, both showing her the support they felt she needed.
Once she ended the call, clicking off the phone and setting it b
eside her, Craddock allowed a respectable pause before speaking.
“What all did she say?”
“They were already suspicious of her, when she helped us escape,” Bibi answered, “so they started watching her. She knew they were, but when she learned of the plan to ambush us, she didn’t even think twice about risking her life and calling the Registry to warn them. They beat her up pretty badly, but she’ll heal. She was loopy on pain meds, and she’s completely exhausted from the ordeal, but overall, she sounded okay.”
Hanging her head, Jessica let out a shaky sigh, which Craddock recognized as guilt. “Stop it,” he whispered to her, more kindly than sternly. “This isn’t your fault.”
“Yes it is.” Jessica lifted her eyes to Bibi’s. “I’m so sorry.”
Bibi nodded in acceptance, and then she surprised everyone in the room. “Craddock’s right, Jessica, this isn’t your fault. And I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that it was. I’m just. . . going through some stuff, you know, emotionally, and I think I took it out on you. In fact, I know I did, and for that, I’m sorry. You really did have the best of intentions when you left Nick’s apartment, and under similar circumstances, any one of us would’ve probably done the same thing. Please, don’t beat yourself up over this anymore, okay?” Her tone and expression were the epitome of sincere. “And if I’m the reason for your guilt in any way, because of my actions and attitude, I’m sorry, and I hereby release you from it.”
Shocked, Jessica stared back for a long moment, in awe, unsure of what to say or how to respond. It was strange, but Bibi’s words actually made her feel a little better. Not guilt free by any means, but like, maybe, in time, they could possibly be friends.
“Thank you, Bibi.” Both of them standing, they moved into each other’s arms, embracing like long time friends who had just been reunited.
“Yes, thank you, Bibi,” Craddock repeated, pushing up off the bed to stand, waiting a moment before touching her elbow gently. “If you’re feeling up to it, I think we should have a talk.” He watched her closely as she pulled away from Jessica and stared back at him.
They seemed to be communicating silently, several seconds passing before finally, eventually, she nodded. “Okay. Where?”
“Outside?”
****
He wasn’t exactly sure how to start, which was apparent by the way he stuffed his hands in his pockets and dropped his gaze to the ground. He kicked at the asphalt that made up the parking spot they were standing in as Bibi turned to face him.
“Don’t know where to begin?” she asked. He returned an uneasy smile in answer. “Let me make it easier on you then. Yes.”
“Yes, what?” He scowled back at her, not wanting to assume what she meant by that. Maybe they were on different pages.
Reluctant to admit it out loud, she hesitated before answering him. “I have feelings for you.”
Even though he half expected it, he was surprised by the declaration. “Since when?”
“Since forever.” She shrugged, adding, “Since I first met you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, hurt and confused. His eyes met hers when she finally looked up at him.
“I knew you didn’t feel the same way,” she explained, “and I didn’t want to lose you as a friend, by making things awkward between us.”
“Are you—are you. . . in love with me?” he stammered, unsure of exactly how far to press. How much she would be willing to share with him? “Chimie?”
“No. And I don’t know if I’m in love with you. Some days, I’m sure I am. Others, I’m not sure of anything.”
He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, only to shove it back into his pocket, completely at a loss for how to behave, or what to do with himself physically. “I wish you would’ve told me.”
“Would it have made a difference?” she asked, trying not to sound optimistic.
“It would have given me a better understanding of things,” he said after an eternity of agonizing seconds. “But as far as feeling the same. . . I’m sorry, Bibi, I really am, but I just don’t feel that way about you.” There was sympathy, and even pity in his tone, which she took immediate issue with.
“Don’t do that!” she demanded of him. “Don’t pity me! I’d rather you hate me than pity me!”
“I don’t hate you. I love you! I’m just not in love with you. I see you more like a sister.” His expression was pleading with her to understand, to be okay with what he was saying.
She looked away, back at the ground. “I can live with that.”
“Can you? ‘Cause I can’t imagine you not in my life! I don’t want this to be the end of our friendship.”
“It won’t be,” she assured him. “I have things to work out in my head, but I will always be your friend.”
“And. . . my relationship with Jessica?” he asked cautiously.
She sighed heavily. “Bottom line, I want you to be happy. And if she makes you happy. . .”
Even though she trailed off, like the words were a burden to say, he felt impelled to confide in her.
“She does, Bibi. She really does. I’m in love with her.”
“I know. I can see it in the way you look at her, and touch her.”
The pain in her voice almost had him to the point of tears. To stave them off, he gathered her into his arms and pulled her tightly to him. “I’m so sorry,” he said, and she nodded against him in silent response. “If there’s anything I can do, to help you through this. . .”
“There is one thing. . .” She pulled back to initiate eye contact, though she only held it for a moment before looking down at her feet.
“What?” Before he even asked the question, a part of him already knew what she was going to say. He could just sense it, since he knew her so well.
“Let me kiss you.” Her voice was timid, sounding nothing like the confident person she usually was. “I just need to know,” she added quickly in explanation. “I need to see. . . To be sure. . .”
“Would it make it harder for you, though?” He was reluctant to agree, concerned that if she did feel Chimie for him, it would only cause her deeper pain.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “If I do feel Chimie, it might, but if I don’t. . . I think it might make it easier on me. To get over you.”
This had disaster written all over it, but he didn’t feel like he could refuse her outright. “You know what your heart can handle better than I do, but. . .”
“You can say no, Craddock.” Frustrated, she took a step to walk away, but before she could take a second one, he reached out and stopped her, grabbing her arm and turning her back around to face him.
His hands dropped to her waist, making her gasp. “You’re sure?”
She nodded, her heart racing as she anticipated his lips on hers.
Slowly, he leaned in towards her, only a fraction of an inch separating them. “Don’t tell Jessica,” he asked of her. “She’s confused enough as it is.”
Bibi had barely nodded in answer, and then his lips made contact with hers. He realized that it had been a mistake to kiss her almost instantly, when she started to shake in his arms, but his conscience couldn’t decide if he should end it quickly or see it through.
Her eager response told him where her heart was. She was in love with him, and it made him ache to know that she would now be in pain, because of him, since there was no chance of it ever being reciprocated.
Feeling her tears against his cheek, he pulled away, wiping them gently from her face. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you, Bibi. You’re hurting! And it’s my fault! I just. . . wanted to help.”
“I’m okay.” She was trying to put up a brave front, but he could see through the facade. “I asked you to. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Still shaking from his touch, she stepped back and away, putting needed distance between them. “I’m sorry I got carried away.” Wrapping her arms around herself, she looked a little like a lost child, which just pu
shed him further towards guilt and regret.
Straining to think of something appropriate to say, he fell silent, staring back at her with sad eyes. He wanted to do something to take her pain away, but he knew there was nothing he could do, which just made it all the more heartwrenching. “Bibi?” Gaining her distracted attention, she slowly looked up at him in response. “What’s the verdict?”
Sighing, she looked away again, shaking her head in answer. “No Chimie.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” he asked carefully. “I mean, you said if you didn’t feel it, it might help you to, you know, get. . . over. . . me.”
“In time.” Her voice hitched on the words, though she tried to disguise the fact by clearing her throat.
But Craddock wasn’t fooled. There was something wrong, besides the obvious of the situation. “What aren’t you telling me, Bibi? Are you lying to me? Did you really, actually, feel Chimie, and you’re just trying to keep from upsetting me or something?”
“No, I didn’t feel Chimie. I just. . .”
He sighed when she trailed off, his gut telling him she was hiding something important, purposefully. Stepping around in front of her again, he stopped himself from touching her, not wanting to hurt her further by doing so. “What?” he asked. “You just, what?”
“I guess I was hoping that maybe we’d both feel it.” Her sadness suddenly turned into anger, though it was self-directed. “I’m fine, Craddock, okay? Can I just have a minute alone?”
He nodded, but didn’t make a move to leave just yet. “I want to take your pain away, Bibi, I just don’t know how.”
“There’s no way you can, short of feeling the same way about me, which you don’t.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t. I almost wish I did, but. . . I’m so sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” she snapped, but then she shook her head, reprimanding herself for her tone. “You can’t help who you fall in love with. Jessica’s the lucky one.” She sounded wistful, attempting a smile to hide her pain. “I hope she realizes just how much.”
