Take What You Want

by Jeanette Grey

  “Play nice with your father this weekend.”

  “No promises.”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “At least promise me you won’t start anything?”

  He ruffled her hair. “I love you, Mom.”

  Sighing in exasperation, she opened the door for him and held it as he headed out. The sun was still low on the horizon, and Josh shook his head. He really preferred not to see this time of day, but he wasn’t the one calling the shots on this trip.

  He stopped that train of thought right in its tracks. He could call the shots if he wanted to.

  This was his life. His trip. His chance to be who he wanted to be.

  He’d tell his dad everything. He’d stay calm while he did it, but he’d be firm and in control.

  And then he’d come home. He’d find Ellen and he’d tell her everything. And he’d ask for even more.

  He picked up his pace as he rounded to the back of the SUV where his dad already had the hatch up. He tossed in his bag. After taking just a second to check that he had his phone and wallet and toothbrush, he reached up to shut the back.

  His fingers had just closed around the metal lip of the hatch when the early morning silence was broken by the sound of an engine. He craned his neck to look. Once he recognized the car as Ellen’s, his heart took off in his chest, a furious pounding of blood in his ears. She pulled into the turnaround, next to his car, and had the door open before the engine could even quiet.

  And it was just like that first night. She wasn’t dressed as provocatively, no, and far from looking at him like a stranger, her gaze settled on him with a fierceness that reached to the core of him, as if she recognized a part of him in a way no one ever had before. There was that same determination to her, that same drive. She knew what she wanted, and damn it all, she was going to take it.

  He’d never seen anything sexier in his life.

  “Josh? Were you expecting—?”

  Josh cut his dad off with a curt, “No,” then slammed the hatch down and turned to face the woman striding across the lawn to him. Even from half the length of the driveway away, the air crackled, and he wanted nothing more than to close the space between them. His feet refused to move, though, and even if they had…

  There were words that needed to be said, but not here. Not before he was in charge of his own life, and definitely not someplace where his dad could hear.

  He coughed and fought to find his voice. “Ellen, what are you—”

  She stopped a foot away, chin set, hands on hips. “I want more.”

  “Ellen—” He cast a glance over his shoulder at the inside of the car, at his dad tapping impatient fingers against the wheel.

  She demanded his attention with a hand on his chin, a firm grip pulling him back to her. She spoke quietly, clearly aware they were being observed, but with an intensity that belied her hushed tone. “I feel things for you I’ve never felt. I feel…alive for once. Like I can be exactly who I want to be.” She dropped her hand to press her palm against his chest. “And I want more.” Lowering her voice even further, eyes burning, she insisted, “I want you in my bed and in my life and…everything. No matter where you’re going, we can make this work. Phone calls or visits or—”

  “Ellen. I know.” He placed his hand over hers, his throat burning as he confessed. “I want that, too.”

  “But there are things I need to tell you. You have to promise you’ll hear me out, but I swear, I never meant to lie to you. But you just—you have to know.”

  Her eyes were darting between his, her voice rising with every word, and her breathing was fast. Josh felt the same panic rising up in him. He’d all but asked her last night not to tell him, to wait until he felt like he could confess all of his lies, too. She’d given in then, but he should have known her spirit wouldn’t lie down for long.

  Before she could get another word out, the engine of the SUV turned over. Josh darted his gaze over his shoulder to see his dad’s head hanging out the window, his hand waving for him to wrap this up.

  “Please.” Ellen squeezed his hand. “Just a few minutes. I need to tell you—”

  It was a split-second decision. He had to go. He wanted to go.

  And he wanted to let her off the hook.

  “I know,” he said, voice as strong as he felt. A weight lifted off his shoulders, and he let go of her hand to cup her face. “I know.”

  “What—”

  “I know everything. Who you are and what you’ve been doing. I’ve known all along.”

  Her face went ashen, and her hand fell away from his chest. “How—”

  He gripped her face more tightly, forcing her gaze to his. “And it doesn’t change anything about how I feel about you.” Behind him, his father revved the engine, and he leaned forward to press his forehead to hers. “I still think you’re amazing. And I want more, too. But there are things I need to tell you.”

  Her eyes were glassy, her smile cracking, but with his last words, confusion furrowed her brow. “I don’t understand.”

  “You will,” he promised. “When I get back, I’ll tell you everything. Give me…” He glanced over his shoulder again, then closed his eyes and turned to her. “Just give me a couple of days. And I’ll come back to you, and I’ll tell you everything. Just know…” He echoed the very words she’d spoken to him. “Just know I never meant to lie to you.”

  His father’s voice rang out through the quiet. “Josh! Come on. Let’s go.”

  “One minute,” Josh growled. He opened his eyes and moved his hands to rest on the tops of Ellen’s shoulders. Speaking just above a whisper, he asked, “Can you be patient? For just a little longer?”

  “Yes.” She nodded. Her resolve was still firmly in place as she stared up at him. “And whatever you have to say…” She touched his cheek. “It won’t change how I feel about you either.”

  Unable to resist for another second, he pressed his lips to hers and kissed her with everything he’d been holding back. All the things he was holding back still. With tongues and teeth and the heat of his mouth, he told her all of it.

  And he told her his fears, too. “I hope that’s true,” he murmured against her mouth, the tiniest slivers of doubt opening up inside.

  She didn’t let them live long. With her kiss, she closed them up. Pulling her lips from his, she stepped away, her whole being radiating a strength he would take with him. A strength he’d never let go of. She touched her fingers to her lips and held them out toward him. “Come back to me soon.”

  “I will.”

  She retreated a few steps farther, arm dropping as she gripped her own elbows behind her back. Josh made his way to the passenger side of his father’s car without taking his eyes off her. He wrenched the door open and slid inside.

  “About time,” his dad said gruffly, throwing the car into gear.

  “Yeah,” Josh agreed, watching Ellen through the window as they drove away. “Yeah, it was.”

  For the second time in twenty-four hours, Ellen watched Josh leave. She kept her brave face on, but inside, she was just as wrecked.

  He knew. He knew everything, he’d said, and he’d known it all along.

  She absently smiled and waved and kept her eyes on the retreating taillights of his father’s car, trying to conceive of it. Every moment they’d spent together passed through her mind, memories of strange looks and hesitations, all of them infused with new meaning. Memories of him saying yes to her.

  He’d come willingly to her bed, knowing she was lying in his face. Chased her down at work and introduced her to his family.

  And he’d had lies of his own.

  She shivered and crossed her arms over her chest. It had been so easy to say that whatever he needed to tell her wouldn’t matter, but the second thoughts were coming fast and furious now. The deep warmth in her chest told her she wouldn’t take it back, though. She still trusted him.

  The way she felt about him… It was too new to name, too tender and too tentat
ive. But it was real. She couldn’t deny that now.

  The car turned the corner, and Ellen let out a rough exhale, her posture slumping. Alone on his lawn with the sun barely risen in the sky, she stared off into space at a future that wasn’t quite as hazy as it had been the night before.

  He wanted more. He’d be back soon.

  And he knew.

  Behind her, the door creaked on its hinges, and Ellen started, whipping around. Josh’s mother stepped out onto the front porch, looking just as elegant as the last time. She gave Ellen a soft smile before heading down the path toward her. Ellen drew herself up to her full height and squared her shoulders, bracing herself.

  His mother stopped beside her, a quiet presence there in the dawn. After a long moment, she spoke. “You aren’t going to break my son’s heart, are you?”

  Ellen swallowed and turned her head to look at the older woman at her side. There was a twinkle in her eye.

  “What?” she said, nudging Ellen’s shoulder with her own. “It sounds better than asking what your intentions are, doesn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I guess it does.” She tightened her fingers around her arms, mind racing. “And no. No, I don’t plan to.”

  “Good.” She stayed silent for a moment before lowering her voice and continuing, “He really likes you, you know.”

  “He does?” It wasn’t a surprise, but still to hear it, so unexpectedly, and from his mother, no less…

  “Very much. The other night, he was so nervous, asking his father and me to behave.” She clucked her tongue, the corner of her mouth twitching up before flattening down into a line. “My son… He’s the kind of boy who knows what he wants, deep down. But actually telling people, that’s something else entirely. He’s so afraid to disappoint them.”

  Ellen thought about his continued reticence about medical school. And then she thought about his reticence around her. Something in her chest tightened.

  “Sounds like Josh, all right.”

  “Little does he know, the people who love him could never be disappointed by him just being himself.”

  The words hung between them for a long minute. The sun rose higher in the sky, and a beam of it broke above the line of trees, shining light down on the two of them.

  Ellen broke the silence, stepping back and turning. “I should go. I have to, um, get to work and—”

  Josh’s mom waved her off. “Do what you need to do. I hope we see you again soon.”

  It was a split-second decision. Before she could stop herself, Ellen opened her mouth and confessed, “I’m not just a waitress, you know.”

  The older woman chuckled and reached out to brush her hand across Ellen’s arm. “Oh, sweetheart. You won’t disappoint me by being exactly who you are, either.”

  With that, she turned and walked back toward the house. It took Ellen a few seconds to snap out of it. As Josh’s mom waved goodbye from the porch, Ellen lifted her hand, too, then retreated to her car. Once inside, she started up the engine and kicked the car into reverse.

  She headed home, and back toward a world that was about to return to normal.

  But she felt anything but.

  Chapter Nine

  Sunday

  The sun was already up by the time Josh pushed back the flap of the tent and emerged out into the cool morning air. He yawned and ruffled his hair, ran his hand along the stubble on his chin. As he stood, he cracked his spine and winced.

  “Morning,” his dad said. He was sitting in one of the collapsible chairs set up around the fire pit, a book in his hand. He didn’t look any worse for spending the night on the ground.

  “Morning.”

  “There’s coffee.”

  Thank God. Josh mumbled his thanks and headed over to join him. He poured himself a cup and grabbed a granola bar from the stash before sinking down into the other chair. He ate and drank in peace for a few minutes, staring off into space.

  Uncomfortable as these camping trips could be, both physically and conversationally, there was something about the silence and the green. He felt like he could really breathe.

  Then his dad had to open his mouth. Shutting the book, he slapped it against his thigh. “Thinking we’ll pack up, then fit in a few hours at the lake before we have to head back.”

  Josh nodded. “Sounds good.”

  Just sitting there reading for another hour sounded even better, but chances were his dad had already been up for at least that long. He finished up his breakfast while his dad started dismantling the tent. When he was done, Josh joined him, rolling up sleeping bags and gathering the rest of their stuff. As he threw his duffle into the back of the car, he hesitated, though. Looking around to make sure his dad was distracted, he fished the papers out of the side compartment and stuffed them into the inside pocket of his fleece.

  He should have brought the damn things with him yesterday when they’d gone fishing, but he’d lost his nerve and left them in the car. After a tense ride out to the campsite, during which Josh had assiduously managed to avoid talking about how Ellen had shown up in their driveway at the crack of dawn, they’d headed to the lake. For hours, he’d sat there, fishing pole in hand, avoiding talking about his plans for school.

  But he hadn’t been able to avoid his thoughts. Thoughts about Ellen, about that god-awful look on her face when he’d told her that he knew her secret. About how it had felt to kiss her one last time with at least slightly fewer lies of omission between them.

  Thoughts about school and his life. About his future.

  From the moment Ellen had said she wanted more, they’d all become intertwined, anyway.

  He patted his pocket and turned away from the car. The campsite was pretty much broken down. He helped his dad pick up the last few things and douse the fire, then headed back to the car to grab their poles. They hauled what they’d need down the path to where their boat was docked, and before long, they were out there in the middle of that smooth, blue water.

  He gave himself over to the ritual of baiting and casting and waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

  His dad was uncharacteristically silent. Before it was even lunch, he cracked open the cooler and passed Josh a beer. Josh took it without hesitation, popped the top and took a long draw. It wasn’t as cold as they’d been the day before, but it was all right.

  Finally, his dad cleared his throat. When he spoke, it was with an emotional edge to his voice Josh barely recognized. He turned to Josh and set his beer down, then looked away. “Can’t help thinking this could be the last year we do this.”

  God, Josh was a shit son. It hadn’t even occurred to him. All the unusual silences they’d shared all weekend suddenly came into focus, and his own throat got tight, his chest filling with something heavy. No matter what happened, life was going to change, and soon. It was scary. And exciting.

  And he wanted so badly for his dad to be happy with his decision.

  “Been meaning to talk to you about that,” Josh croaked. “About next year.”

  His father’s tone evened out, his calm returning as they came around to what he probably thought was familiar territory. He reached out and patted Josh’s knee. “Don’t worry, son. I know you’ll hear back soon.”

  “Actually…” Josh wiped a sudden sweat from his brow and looked out over the water. “Actually, I have heard.”

  “What?” His dad started, turning so abruptly the motion echoed in the rocking of the boat. “You— When?”

  “A while ago. Listen, Dad, could you calm down?”

  His dad’s face fell, but his eyes lit with fire. “If they didn’t… We’ll fight it. I still have some connections, you know. Your old man’s not completely useless.”

  The last words echoed, and Josh blinked. When he looked up again, he saw something completely different from what he’d seen just a minute ago. His dad looked…old. And disappointed.

  But not in Josh.

  Maybe nothing was what it seemed.

  “Dad.” With more confidence th
an he ever mustered in these situations, he forced a smile and rapped his fingertips against the side of the boat, his reassurance burning in his chest. “Of course you’re not useless. Just listen for a minute, okay?”

  His dad dry-washed his face and planted his elbows on his knees. Josh was just working up the courage to say the words he’d rehearsed so many times, but his dad straightened and held his hand up. “Just know…whatever happened.” He swallowed hard and put his hand on the wheel of his rod. “Your mother and I are so proud of you. We’ll figure something out.”

  Josh’s heart leaped, but he tried to force it back down into place. “Just remember you said that,” he muttered under his breath. Sitting forward in his chair, he reached into the gap in his jacket and ran his fingers over the edges of the papers there for luck. At the last second, he decided not to pull them out, though. Instead, he faced his dad.

  He heard Ellen’s voice in his ear, reminding him that this was his life, and that he had to do what he thought was right.

  Without another second’s hesitation, he blurted out, “I don’t want to go to medical school, Dad.”

  A hundred emotions passed across his father’s features, and for a brief second, Josh cursed himself for doing this here, out in the middle of nowhere. He couldn’t have waited until they were close to emergency responders?

  What was his dad’s cholesterol again?

  “You—you don’t—”

  “Breathe, Dad. Breathe. And hear me out.”

  His dad’s voice rose in volume and pitch, and his face grew steadily redder. “Hear you out?”

  “Just listen.” Josh closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past year. And medicine just isn’t where my heart is. I don’t want to be looking at blood and guts for the rest of my life or telling people they’re going to die.”

  “It’s not all that.”

  Josh barreled on. “Even the healing part of it. I don’t want to be beholden to insurance companies and lawyers.” He looked at his father meaningfully. “Or be forced out just because I did what I thought was right.”