Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3)

by Stacey Mosteller

  The rest of the visit continues, and at one point David has to leave because him being in the room while the doctor has a hand up my gown is a little more than either of us can handle. Once Dr. Bailey is assured that I am healthy and so is my "little bean", she declares us good to go for another four weeks. I send a quick text to Wyatt and Livvie letting them know we're both good before going out to meet my brother in the waiting room. Lyric stayed behind with me, something I'll always be grateful for, because this experience isn't something I can handle alone right now.

  By the end of the most embarrassing doctor's appointment ever we stop for a quick bite before heading home to discuss everything the doctor told us. As soon as we're all inside, Lyric and I head for the den, expecting David to follow right behind us. He stops at the door and watches Lyric go through the bag of "goodies" the doctor's office gave me. His face is still pale and his brows furrowed. When Lyric pulls out a sample of nursing pads, he throws his hands up and walks out of the room saying, I'll be back later. She turns to look at me; one eyebrow raised before we both start laughing. It's laugh or cry at this point, and I'm just simply tired of crying.

  Jeremy

  "Mr. Meloni?" Tonya's irritating voice, which grates on my nerves, especially after she offered to "distract" me the other day, is coming through the intercom.

  Removing my glasses, I tip my head back and rub the bridge of my nose where they were sitting with a sigh. "Yes, Tonya?"

  "There's someone here to see you. A...David Pearson. He doesn't have an appointment, but he says it's urgent. Should I send him back?" I jolt straight up in my seat at her words. Why is David here? She's pretty new, so the fact that she doesn't know who he is isn't a surprise, she only knows who SarahBeth is because she came here quite a bit the past few weeks trying to see me. Thinking about the way she looked the last time she was here has me clenching my fists, hating that I hurt her, but before I can say anything else, Tonya's voice comes through again. "Um, Mr. Meloni?"

  "Sorry Tonya. Go ahead and send him in." Straightening my tie and the lapels on my suit and running a hand through my hair, I try to look unaffected. David always could read me better than anyone else. I don't need him seeing just how much I'm struggling with all of this because it won't make letting them go any easier.

  The door to my office opens, revealing my very pissed off best friend. He steps inside quickly, stopping briefly to thank Tonya, who's currently undressing him with her eyes. Stupid girl. He doesn't even notice, he's too in love with Lyric to care about the slutty receptionist that is currently banging at least one of the partners here. Clearly insulted he doesn't take her bait; Tonya finally shuts the door, leaving us alone in my office. Sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans, David stands just inside my office looking uncomfortable as he studies me. Determined not to make the first move, I stare back at him but saying nothing, careful not to betray any of my emotions.

  "We need to talk," he finally states, his voice still full of anger.

  Putting my glasses back on, I raise an eyebrow as he continues to stare at me. "Talk about what?" I ask hesitantly. I'm blowing the, I don't give a shit attitude I want to portray because the truth is, I do give a shit. The fact that he's here to "talk" has my mind running in a million different directions imagining all the possibilities. "Is Sarah okay?" The only thing I can think of that would bring him here to talk to me is that something has happened to her. My chest tightens at the mere thought of it and my pulse quickens.

  "Why do you care?" When I say nothing, continuing to watch him, he finally sighs and his voice softens. "Physically she's fine, but she's not dealing with any of this well. There are things you don't know, things I can't tell you, things she needs to tell you." He shakes his head before breaking our eye contact to look out the window behind me, his jaw clenched. "Hell, I don't even know what I'm doing here."

  I open my mouth to ask what in God's name he's talking about, because he's really starting to worry me when he cuts his eyes back to me and narrows them, "Do you love her? She thinks you don't." My heart beats painfully in my chest and I want to be angry that she could doubt me that way. In one way or another I've loved her since she was born. It's not something I can just turn off. Fuck, I think it'd be easier to stop breathing than to stop loving her.

  I can't tell David that though, she needs a clean break and if I admit to my feelings, he will tell her just to make her feel better. That will put us back at square one, with her trying to work things out; it will just make me hurt her more. I start to say no, but I know I can't lie to him convincingly. Instead, I try for a half-truth and a shrug. "I'll always love her in some way."

  "You're so full of shit, Jeremy. You told me not that long ago that I needed to get my head out of my ass because you were coming after her. What's changed?" He's still staring at me intently as though he can see right through me, like he knows all of my secrets. That's probably not far off the truth; he doesn't know practically all my secrets.

  Not wanting to tell him about the visits from my mom, the veiled threats about what she'll do if I don't start "taking care of her for once", I look away. "Nothing's changed. I just don't want to do this anymore."

  "You just don't want to do what, exactly? You don't want to be with her, you don't want the responsibility...I just don't get it. You were willing to fucking fight me over her less than a month ago, and now you're just going to let her go without a fight? That's not like you J." His eyes are full of concern now, even though his anger is still easy to see. I wish I could take everything back, I wish I could be the man she needs...but I can't. How do I make him understand that?

  Taking a deep breath, I attempt to explain without giving anything away. "Your sister deserves better." Better than a man whose mother didn't even want him, who couldn't be bothered with him. "I love SarahBeth, but I'm not good for her." The only people in my life who've ever shown me love are my grandmother, David and SarahBeth. As much as it hurts, I need to let her move on, I need to let her find the guy that will be able to be there for her. I hate it, but that man isn't me, at least not right now and I'm not going to ask her to wait 'til I am that man. "At least I figured that out before we got too deep, right?"

  "Too deep?" David snarls, taking a menacing step towards me. "You have no fucking idea how deep you are my friend." He stops suddenly; looking like he wants to say more, and it takes everything in me not to react. "I'm so fucking tired of the secrets - both yours and my sister's. You need to talk to her, Jeremy. There is shit you need to know."

  I have no idea what he's talking about, but the fact that I'm not the only one keeping a secret has me worried. Even that isn't enough to break my resolve though; I know I need to stay away from her...before I make everything worse. "I can't, David. I'm sorry, I really wish things could be different..." I trail off at the furious look in his eyes, watching him stalk towards me. I know he's going to hit me, and fuck do I deserve it. I deserve anything he wants to throw at me.

  "You're a god damn moron, Jeremy Meloni. Do you not realize that girl fucking loves you?" David's so pissed right now that he's shaking, his hands balled into fists at his sides like it's taking everything he has to keep from punching me.

  Hating that I'm doing this to her and knowing how much I wish things could be different, my emotions rush to the surface and I say the thing I didn't want to tell him. "I love your sister more than my fucking life!" Wishing I could take it back, I watch his eyes widen as he takes a step back.

  "If you love her so much, why are you pushing her away?"

  This time, I'm the one who looks away, not wanting him to see the conflict on my face. "I can't answer that David. Just know that if I told you why you'd understand. Hell, you'd help me." My voice sounds as defeated as I feel now. I'm so tired of this fight, of explaining myself to the Pearson siblings. Why won't they just let it be? Telling David that my mom is causing problems again, owes money she can't pay back, is getting high and showing up at all hours of the day and night would ge
t his attention. But I don't want to drag him into my screwed up family either. The last thing SarahBeth needs is a boyfriend that not only can't protect her, but one that brings chaos and dysfunction into her life.

  Still refusing to turn and face him, I can see his reflection in the mirror, but I say nothing more. Finally, David sighs, "If that's the way you want it. I can promise you this though Jer, you're going to regret this one day...and sooner than you think." Then, he walks out of my office, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The thing he doesn't get is I regretted this decision the moment I made it. I just don't know a better way to handle it.

  SarahBeth

  Hanging at the mall wasn't in my plans today. I'd rather be home drowning my sorrows in Ben & Jerry's, but with Lyric pushing and Livvie dragging me out of the house to go shopping, I didn't have much choice. Hanging out with Livvie is fine, but she didn't say anything about Tyler joining us. I like Tyler, but being around someone who is such a close friend of Jeremy's is going to suck. All I will want to do is ask him how he's doing, if he's okay; does he ever talk about me?

  Everyone is trying to keep me in the dark where Jeremy's concerned. I know David's trying to protect me, and even though I overheard that he went to see Jeremy last week when I eavesdropped on his conversation with Lyric, I still don't have answers. I think he and Lyric are worried I'm going to hear something I shouldn't, so they don't talk about anything downstairs. It's ironic that everyone is hiding things from me now considering the secret I'm keeping and how much trouble my past secrets caused. I'm wounded, but I'm not broken. Good or bad I'd rather know everything than live wondering what's going to happen next.

  I tried to explain that to Livvie on the way here, but she kept giving me shifty eyes and avoiding the subject. I know she's been spending time at Tyler's recently and I'm not sure what's up with that. Spending time with him means she must've seen Jeremy at some point, but she just keeps telling me to drop it. Thankfully he won't be joining us until after we finish our shopping because Livvie's been pulling me into the baby and maternity stores. We've "oohed" and "aahed" over adorable baby outfits and now she's going through racks of maternity clothes in an attempt to get me excited about all of this.

  "Oh SB! Come look at this shirt. Isn't it adorable?" The last word is a high-pitched squeal as she waves me over to her from across the store. I've only just found out I'm pregnant so shopping for maternity clothes is more than a little daunting.

  By the time I reach her, she's found more to show me. Most are varying degrees of "I can't wait to" shirts - shave, have a martini, etc...but some really are cute. I mean, I'm barely twenty-one and I wasn't exactly a big drinker before now. I'll admit I'm a little scared about the shaving thing...what's up with that? I'm worried I'm going to end up looking like Sasquatch by December. That won't be attractive at all. The ones that say things like hear your laugh or kiss your cheek are the tops I can actually see myself wearing.

  When I don't share her enthusiasm, Livvie starts to pout, saying, "Come on babe! I know things are hard right now, but you're going to be a mom! This is one of those experiences that you want to remember as a happy time...not a depressing one!" Her eyes are begging me to agree with her, and really, she's right. The last thing I want is to look back on these months as being awful or depressing, but it's so hard to get to that point.

  "Okay Liv, I'll try." Her smile at my words is huge and I feel the need to emphasize once more, "Try, Liv. I said try...not definitely will. Please, just give me some time to adjust, alright?"

  Waving away my words, Livvie says over her shoulder as she takes one of the shirts up to the register, "All I heard was okay - and I'll take it!" Shaking my head, I follow along behind her, waiting for her to pay for her purchase before heading towards the food court to meet Tyler.

  As we reach the food court, Tyler rushes over to us, concern in his eyes, he's worrying his lip between his teeth. Putting a hand on each of our shoulders he tries to turn us around. Liv digs her heels in, refusing to go along with him. "What the hell Ty! What are you doing?" Live asks. As she tries to look behind him he steers us away. "Hey! Seriously, I'm hungry you jerk!"

  Shaking his head and avoiding her questions he's still trying to move us in the opposite direction. "Drop it love. Just move!" He's acting odd...more than he usually does, but Livvie ignores his order, still straining to see over his shoulder. Suddenly, she stiffens, looking first up at him and then over at me, an apology in her eyes.

  "You asshole! Are you protecting him?" Her voice quickly rises to a level that has people nearby stopping to watch the unfolding drama. She shoves him away from her, putting him closer to me as he tries not to knock into me.

  Tyler closes his eyes briefly before he tells her, "It's not what you think." Then, he turns to me, eyes full of sympathy. My stomach twists painfully as I realize he's trying to protect me, which means Jeremy is here.

  Standing on my tiptoes, I brace a hand on his shoulder to help steady myself. Jeremy's here all right...but he's not here alone. Is that Melanie...? Why is he here with her? They broke up a long time ago...and it wasn't pretty when they did. Why on earth would they be together?

  Glaring at him, Livvie shoves Tyler away and when he steps back, I'm no longer able to hold onto his shoulder so I lose my balance. Quickly wrapping an arm around my waist to steady me, he leans in to say, "I'm sorry love, really."

  I shake my head at him; he has nothing to be sorry about. I know he was trying to protect me. "It's not what you're both thinking..." he starts to say in a louder voice, but Liv cuts him off.

  "Save it. If it's not what we think, why were you trying to keep us from seeing them?" She puts her hands on her hips, staring up at him with an expression that dares him to say that's not what he was doing.

  Tyler sighs, running a hand through the longer hair on top of his head. "Because I knew you'd react exactly like this Livvie-girl and I didn't want to upset SarahBeth needlessly."

  "Needlessly? Her baby daddy..." Livvie trails off with a softly spoken, "crap" before clapping a hand over her mouth.

  Tyler's head snaps around to me, a strange look on his face. I'm not really sure how to describe it...horror? Relief? A combination of the two? Strange. "Baby daddy?" He looks between us, seeing Liv staring at me with an apology in her eyes, before settling on my face. "He doesn't know does he?"

  "No," I say, shaking my head frantically. "You can't tell him either. Please, Tyler." I'm ready to beg if I need to, I can't have Jeremy knowing my secret, I can't let someone else tell him this, not when it needs to be me who tells him. And I will tell him but not until I'm ready...not until I know for sure what he's going to do.

  Our loud altercation is definitely drawing the attention of the people around us now and I'm now praying Jeremy doesn't look over and see me. Livvie's carrying a shopping bag from a maternity store, something I won't be able to explain away, while Tyler's staring at my stomach with huge eyes. All of the attention and the fighting combined with the food smells have my stomach in knots and once again I feel the churning that signals a need for the bathroom. Holding a hand over my mouth in mortification, I look at Livvie, trying to let her know what's happening. She's quick on the uptake and ushers me over to the closest bathroom where I don't even make it into a stall, bending over a trashcan I lose the little bit of food I managed to choke down this morning while Livvie holds my hair.

  Jeremy

  "Isn't that SarahBeth?" Melanie asks, looking over to where a small blonde and a brunette are running towards a hallway between stores that leads to restrooms. I jerk around in my seat, trying to look closer and when I see Tyler watching after them, holding a purse and a few shopping bags, I know for sure it's them. At my nod, Mel touches my hand, bringing my gaze back to her earnest one. "Don't you want to go check on her? Make sure she's alright?"

  Do I want to? Yes, absolutely. Should I? Well, that's another matter entirely. I look back to the corridor they disappeared through, but don't see them any longer. Just when
I'm about to tell her no, I don't want to check on her, Tyler's eyes meet mine and the blatant worry in them has me nodding and heading in his direction. I don't look back to see if Melanie followed me because honestly, all I can think about is what could possibly put that look in Tyler's eyes.

  "Is she okay?" It's all I can do to keep my voice level when I reach him and ask the question I need the answer to the most.

  Tyler's looking everywhere but at me when he replies, "Yeah mate, she's fine. You can go back to whatever you were doing now." His voice is hard, it's easy to tell he's not happy at finding me with Mel, but his feelings aren't what worry me now.

  Before I can ask any more questions, Olivia and Sarah are walking back in our direction. They both stop in their tracks when they see me standing with Tyler. The moment she notices Melanie standing next to me her already pale skin loses all color and she begins backing up, away from our little group. The hurt in her eyes has me moving towards her before I can even process it. I want to explain myself. When what I'm doing registers, I stop, trying to keep myself in place, but when her eyes fill with tears and they overflow, rolling soundlessly down her cheeks, I melt.

  Reaching her, I cup her face in my hands, brushing away the tears as she trembles beneath me. It's the first time I've really touched her since everything went to shit and having my hands on her, having her this close to me, I feel like I've come home. Unable to hide the emotions racing across my face, I let her see just how much I've missed her as her breath catches in her throat. Her eyes are bouncing back and forth between mine in disbelief while the look on her face has me aching to touch my mouth to hers, to pull her into me so I can hold her.

  I don't get the chance to do any of that because at the same time a hand touches my back, SarahBeth sucks in a breath and steps back, her eyes brimming with tears even while she glares up at me, betrayal all over her face. I want to explain, to tell her what I'm doing here with Mel, to reassure her that it's not what it seems, but in the back of my head I think this is a good thing. I want her to let go of me, to begin to move on, to find someone that deserves her. Letting her think I've replaced her, no matter how much it hurts us both, is probably for the best.