Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3)

by Stacey Mosteller

  The first thing I see when I unlock my phone is the earlier text from the unknown number.

  Enjoy your night with him. I'll be back in his bed tomorrow.

  I have a feeling I know who's sending these messages. The woman we saw earlier looked a bit crazy and more than a little upset at seeing us together. It seems I'm not the only one keeping secrets, and even just the idea that I might not be the only woman he's brought into this apartment guts me. He said he only stayed away from me to protect me, but how can that be true if there was someone else? Oh God...surely he hasn't been with someone else, has he? If his tongue was in her mouth...even the thought makes me sick. I barely make it to the toilet before I lose every bit of food I ate tonight, and I'm thankful I went for the bathroom in his bedroom, wanting the privacy it afforded instead of the one in the hallway. Avoiding the mirror, not wanting to see my reflection or the look in my eyes, I finally text Lyric, only instead of asking her what I'd originally planned, I only type one sentence.

  Can you come pick me up?

  She replies quickly asking for directions. Once I've sent the address, and she's assured me she'll text when she arrives, which should only be a few minutes since she was with David at Drench, I try to calm myself. I know I'm running away from my problems, but I need to think, something I can't do around Jeremy. Being near him clouds my judgment, keeps me from making good decisions, and even though I don't know how on earth I'm going to leave here without asking him what the text means, I need to get away. I'll deal with the consequences later.

  When my phone chimes with a text from Lyric saying she's here, I leave the bathroom, stopping short when I see Jeremy standing just inside his room, his arms folded across his chest, blocking my way out. His eyes narrow as he takes in the expression on my face, but he doesn't come closer. "What's wrong," he asks, concerned.

  "I need to go." Please don't ask me why.

  This time he does walk towards me, his eyes wide and fearful. "Why? What happened? Things were fine ten minutes ago." When I don't answer, he grabs my arms, keeping me from walking away. "What the fuck, Sarah? Ten minutes ago you were in my lap kissing me back, and now you're running away? Why?"

  Unable to take the hurt in his voice, knowing he's keeping secrets too, I can't keep myself from asking, "Who was she?"

  "Who was who?" he asks, confusion evident in his voice.

  I scoff, "Who was the woman, Jeremy. The one at the store that you didn't want me to see?"

  His face pales as he whispers, "Why? She isn't anyone you need to worry about, SarahBeth."

  "Bull. I've seen her before..." Even as I say the words, I remember where I've seen her before. She's the woman he went home with a few years ago on New Years Eve...he left me standing in the alley for her.

  Jeremy knows I've figured it out, and though I didn't think it was possible, his face pales further when I push him away. "SarahBeth..." he starts, but I shake my head, pulling my phone out of my purse and unlocking it to pull up the text messages. I shove the phone at him so he can see them. I've been getting texts from an unknown number since the first night. She typically only sends one a day or so, but they all have the same message. Jeremy isn't telling me the truth; he's hiding things.

  The expression on his face gets darker with each text he reads until finally he reaches the end, and looks up at me in disbelief. "You believe this shit? After everything we've been through, everything I said to you? You honestly believe someone who won't even tell you who they are?"

  Well, when he says it like that, it seems pretty ridiculous. "I don't know what to believe anymore Jeremy. Up until two months ago, I never would have thought you'd hurt me, but you did. It wouldn't be the first time you pushed me away and went straight to another woman." As soon as the words are out, I regret them. Deep down, I know it wasn't like that. Back then, he wasn't trying to hurt me, he was trying to keep from doing something he thought was wrong.

  Jeremy steps away from me and shakes his head. "I can't..." he swallows hard, balling his hands into fists as he squeezes his eyes shut briefly. When he opens them there's no emotion there. He completely shuts down, and his voice is flat when he says, "Just go."

  By the time I get downstairs, my heart feels like a heavy weight in my chest, and I can't take a deep breath. In my head, all I can see is that night and him all over that woman. His lips were on hers right after mine, and here we are again...only this time it's my lips after hers. He professes to love me, to have only left me because he was trying to protect me, but he was with someone else. How is that possible? If he loved me as much as I love him, he wouldn't be able to touch anyone else. Just the thought of having anyone touch me the way he does makes me want to vomit; yet he had no problem.

  Lyric isn't the only one in the car when I walk out of the building. I freeze when I see my brother standing beside her in the parking lot, his jaw tight, anger rolling off him in waves. I can't hold back the tears when I see him, and I fly across the parking lot to throw myself in his arms and begin to sob like my heart's just been broken...which it has.

  "Shh sweetheart," he murmurs, stroking my back with one hand while holding me tightly with the other. He holds me until the sobs turn to sniffles before pulling back and wiping the tears from my cheeks. "Do I need to go kick his ass?"

  Lyric smacks him on the arm. "How are you going to kick his ass when you don't even know what happened?"

  "I know he hurt my sister again. Do I need to know anything else?"

  The tone of his voice says for her to back off, but Lyric doesn't. "Don't be a jerk. How about you find out what happened before you cause bodily harm to your best friend." She lowers her voice to say, "Jeremy's your family...just as much as SarahBeth. Quit taking sides! You should be Switzerland in this situation!" Her words should make me mad, but the Switzerland reference makes me laugh while my brother groans. She's on a Twilight kick - we've probably watched the movies ten times now.

  "Fine," he growls at her before turning to me to say in a long-suffering tone, "Tell me what happened."

  Taking a deep breath, I tell him. "I've been getting text messages from an unknown number warning me not to trust Jeremy and to tell me he's not being honest with me. We saw a woman tonight on our way here that freaked him out. He rushed me out of the store and into the car before she could come close, but he was obviously trying to keep me away from her. As we left, I got a text message that said I should enjoy my time with him because she'd be back in his bed soon. I recognized her as the one he went home with a year or so ago, and he didn't deny anything she said in the texts. He just asked why I believed them...he actually seemed hurt that I would. When I brought up how much he's hurt me recently, he told me to go."

  I fully expect my brother to take my side, to march up to Jeremy's apartment and beat him up. So, I'm understandably shocked when he says, "You're both fucking idiots, you know that?" My mouth drops open, and all I can do is stare at him. A minute ago he was offering to kick Jeremy's ass, and now he's calling us both idiots. How am I an idiot? David shakes his head, "You do realize that all the shit over the past few months is just as much your fault as his...if not more. Aren't you the one who wanted to hide your relationship? You admitted he wanted to tell me, that he didn't want to hide the relationship, but you convinced him to. Then, after everything went to hell, he backed off. He gave us both the time we needed to get our shit together. Hell, Sarah, he even came and told me that he wasn't giving you up!"

  I open my mouth to tell him that Jeremy changed his mind, but he covers my mouth with his hand. "Don't even go there." Once he's sure I'm going to let him talk, he drops his hand and continues, "He told you why he did that. I can be pissed off at Jeremy about a lot of things...but I'll never fault him for trying to do what he thought was best to protect you. Babe, I don't believe for a second he actually did anything with anyone."

  "But--"

  "SarahBeth," David sighs, "give him a chance to explain. Let him say what he needs to say. Then, tell him what you
need to say, that's how adults communicate." He looks pointedly at my stomach before raising an eyebrow, giving me a look that says, "You got me?"

  I'm still unsure. "What if it's true? What if he did do something with her...what if he slept with her, David?"

  "Then you deal with it, find out why, and move on. Yeah, it will suck; I'm not saying it won't. But, you have a baby to think about...a baby that's half his and he doesn't even know about it. What do you think he's going to do when he finds out you've been keeping another secret from him? You're twenty-one years old and about to be a mother, start acting like a grown up."

  Lyric smacks him on the arm, "You can be such an ass." Then she turns to me, "I honestly don't think he did anything with her. Maybe he thought about it...but I seriously doubt anything happened. Have you seen the way he looks at you? I have...and it's not the look of a guy who's going to cheat. Remember how alone you felt, SB? You still have your brother; you have me, your friends. Jeremy hasn't had anyone but Tyler. I don't know much about his family, but from what I do know, they suck. You and David are his family, and after everything happened, you still had your brother. He didn't have anyone. That's a very lonely existence. Go a little easy on him, give him another chance."

  She has a point. When I look up at my brother, it's obvious he agrees with her too, and I can see a hint of pain in his eyes, pain that he's left his friend to deal with everything alone, knowing all the crap his family has put him through over the years. "You're right. If nothing else, I need to tell him about the baby. And, I need to apologize to him for everything I've done."

  "Good girl," Lyric says with a grin. "Now, go get your man. We'll see you later. Call if you need us, okay?"

  I nod, "Thanks, guys." I hug both my brother and Lyric before turning back to face Jeremy's apartment building. My stomach is full of butterflies as I walk back inside, and when I get to the door I turn one last time to look back at my brother. David smiles at me before shooing me inside to talk to Jeremy. By the time I make it to his door, my stomach is in knots, and I wonder if he's even going to let me talk. I keep screwing everything up, and what I have to tell him may be the end of us. I'm not sure how I would deal with that. I knock timidly, waiting for him to open the door.

  Jeremy

  Why does this shit keep happening with us? Everything is fine; we're getting along, things seemed almost normal. Then, she jumps up, disappears into the bathroom, and everything changes. Those texts...fuck! They make me want to commit murder. Candace better be damn glad she's a woman. Otherwise I'd beat the ever-loving shit out of her. The bitch is crazy. That's the only explanation I have. I can't believe she sent text messages to SarahBeth...how did she even get her number?

  Shit. I was trying to text SarahBeth that night...trying to tell her I missed her, wanting to tell her I was sorry, that I loved her. Candace took my phone, offered to text her for me and read our message thread. She must've memorized the number and kept it so she could make my life a living hell, especially after I turned her down in her apartment, and left before I could make more bad decisions.

  Sitting on the edge of my sofa, I run my hands through my hair, pulling on it to the point it's sticking up everywhere in complete disarray. I've got to figure out how to make things right, how to tell SarahBeth what I did...and make her understand that I wasn't able to go through with it. Hell, I was pretending Candace was SarahBeth, which makes it even worse. I was only using her to make me feel better.

  A light knock on the door grabs my attention and I have to wonder who's knocking this late. It could be David, although he probably would have banged on the door, trying to break it down. I doubt Melanie would be coming over considering she knew I was inviting Sarah over tonight, and Tyler wouldn't knock so light either. The only other option is Candace, and I really hope it's not her.

  When I finally open the door, SarahBeth's tear-stained face is staring up at me. My heart clenches painfully at how sad she looks, and it takes everything in me to not pull her into my arms and beg her forgiveness. I can't do it though. Yeah, I've made a lot of fucking mistakes, but for her to believe I'd choose anyone over her, that I would do anything to jeopardize my relationship with her...I just can't.

  "Can we talk?" she asks softly. Moving aside, I gesture for her to walk past me into my living room, and she takes a seat on the edge of the sofa, twisting her fingers together in a familiar way. Taking a seat in the chair instead of next to her, I wait for her to speak. SarahBeth takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did about that night, and I should have told you about the text messages when I started getting them. I was just afraid of what they meant, and I didn't want to know if it was true."

  I sigh, "Sarah, I love you. I don't know what Candace's deal is, but I do want to be honest with you." Wanting to be closer to her when I say what I need to say, I move over to sit beside her, taking her hands in mine before she hurts them with all the twisting she's doing. "A few weeks ago, after I found out that my mom had given your name to the assholes she owes money to, I felt like shit. I'd been staying away from you, hurting us both with the intention of keeping you safe, and then it turned out it was all for nothing. I couldn't do anything but see the hurt in your eyes every time I shut my own and I wanted to drown myself in liquor to forget. I had already decided I was going to do whatever it took to get you back, but I had no idea what I was going to do. I wasn't even sure if you would speak to me if I tried. I was just in a bad place. I went to a bar, and just started to drink...I even tried to text you that night, to tell you I missed you, but I couldn't get the words I wanted to say out. Candace was there. She saw me trying to text you and took my phone away, offering to text you for me. I told her no, that I didn't want her doing that, but she started going through the messages. I assume that's how she got your number."

  Her eyes are on me, wide and fearful, and I know that what I'm about to say has the possibility of severing any hope we have of being together, but I'm through with secrets, with lies, with all of it. She'll be with me knowing the truth, or she'll walk away. "Dammit. I'm not proud of this Sarah, but I did kiss her. I was miserable and drunk, and I know it's no excuse, but all I could think about was you. She was just blonde enough for me to pretend she was you. I know that makes me the worst kind of asshole, but I needed you...I only wanted to be with you." Her eyes glisten with tears at my words, so I hurry to get the rest of it out. "I went back to her apartment with her, and when she touched me, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to be with her, and fuck SarahBeth, not even my dick wants anyone else. I left right away, hell; I called Tyler to come get me, ran out of the building and hid from her. I was sick over what I'd almost done. I don't even want to tell you about this...I don't want to ruin any chance we have, but I don't want to keep any more secrets from you."

  "I love you. Do you get that? Is there any way for us to move forward from this? Baby, I promise I don't want anyone else but you." I'm begging, something I never thought I'd do for any woman, but for her I'd do anything. "You're everything I need...even when I shouldn't want you." SarahBeth covers her mouth with both hands, letting out a muffled sob before she throws herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and sobbing into my neck. The fact that she's even touching me shocks me at first, and I'm unable to move, but as she continues to cry, I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly and murmuring soothing words into her hair.

  Her sobs quiet and she pulls back to look at me. "So, you really didn't do anything with her? You didn't have sex with anyone else?" I shake my head, still feeling shitty because I did kiss her...I did let her touch me; I just didn't take the final step.

  SarahBeth

  He's staring at me, his eyes full of remorse, and I know I should be pissed about the fact that he kissed someone else, but I just can't. It's probably twisted, but the fact that he missed me enough to try to pretend someone else was me, even if it was her of all people, makes me feel better. Especially when he tells me that he couldn't even get it up, because
right now I'm practically sitting on his lap, and it's definitely "up". That thought reminds me that I still have a confessions to make, and I know I need some distance from him in order to do that.

  I move out of his arms, and he looks at me, "What? What's wrong?"

  "I have something I need to tell you too." Oh God, how do I tell him? How do I say the words that are going to change everything for him the way they already have for me? "Jeremy..."

  He scoots closer to me on the couch, cradling my face in his hands as he stares into my eyes, worried and not sure what I'm about to say. "What baby? What is it?"

  "I'm..." I swallow hard, trying to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. My stomach feels like it's about to revolt, and I want to take it all back. I can't though. The time has come to tell him everything. "Jeremy, I'm pregnant." The words are barely a whisper. I thought I'd feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders after telling him, but I don't. If anything, I feel more weighed down, scared of what he's going to say, how he's going to react.

  Jeremy freezes; his eyes are locked on mine and his hands begin to tremble. "You're what?" He looks horrified. My heart sinks into my stomach and as I wait for him to tell me to get out I start to pull away, but he doesn't let me. He moves his hands down to my shoulders, gripping them tightly and keeping me place. "Pregnant? Holy shit." He's reeling, completely lost as he tries to put the pieces together. Suddenly, he drops his hands and moves away from me, his eyes locked on my stomach. "If you're pregnant, that means you're at least two months along. Were you ever planning to tell me?"

  There's so much hurt in his voice. I rush to reassure him, "Of course I was planning to tell you! I just..." My voice trails off because I know that if I tell him the reason I haven't told him yet, he's going to be even angrier.