The Bars That Hold Us

by Shelly Pratt

  ‘That’s great, man. I’m really happy for you.’ He does look genuinely pleased with this bit of information.

  ‘And that’s not the only good thing.’ I lower my voice to nothing more than a whisper. ‘I’m also lucky enough to get a female guard to supervise me the whole time.’ I have no qualms about telling my brother anything. I know his lips are tighter than Fort Knox and, like he does me, I can trust him with my life.

  ‘No shit!’ His voice raises several decibels and I have to put my finger to my lips to remind him to keep quiet. ‘Hang on a sec; she’s not some older woman with a dyke haircut and tattoos all over her arms, is she?’ He’s trying hard to keep the smirk off his face. If the Perspex wasn’t between us right now, I might be tempted to get him in a headlock and let him feel my knuckles running across his scalp until he relents. Hey, that’s what big brothers are for, right?

  ‘No, you ass! She’s about your age, and if you picture someone who more resembles a fitness model than a butch granny, you’ll be on the right track.’

  ‘Damn. I can see why you actually look happy today. It’s the first time in…’

  ‘Three years. I know, man.’

  The smile disappears. The guilt returns. I know he’s thinking about what I’ve lost in the time I’ve been imprisoned here at Silverwater. I always do my best to rid him of that. You know, tell him not to blame himself. But he can’t help it any more than I want to take back what I did.

  ‘I’m sorry, Saxon. I really am.’

  ‘It’s not your fault—it never was. I’m here because I’m a hot-head who’d do anything to protect the ones I love. Kind of a lethal combination I think.’ I laugh to try and add lightheartedness to our conversation, but I’m not fooling him.

  ‘Really, Jamie, I don’t want to you worry about me anymore. I’m happy, I’m content. Things are looking up on the inside and I’ve got less than nine months to go. At this rate that time’s gonna fly because I’ve got it good with this new gig. So please, for me, stop letting the guilt eat at you. Go out and get a life. Meet a girl. Run naked through the streets and jump out of a plane skydiving. Seriously, because life doesn’t get any better, okay? No sense putting your life on hold just because I’m doing time. We both need to let go of that night. I don’t think you realize this but if I see you happy, then I’m happy. I need you to move on, not just for your sake, but for mine, too.’

  ‘Been practicing that speech for a while?’ Snarky Jamie, now that’s the brother I remember.

  ‘Yes, yes I have, so you damn well better listen to me.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘No buts at all. This has to stop. You need a life and, besides, it’s time.’

  ‘Okay, I hear you, man.’

  He’s reluctant, unwilling to let go of the misery that has its grips on him. He wants me to know he cares, and I appreciate that, although it’s not healthy for either one of us anymore. It’s time to start a new chapter in our lives.

  We pass the remainder of our time talking about the family and his job. Even though they haven’t been to visit, it’s nice to hear what they’re doing on the outside. For a split second, I’m taken away from my reality. We could be back home—a coffee shop, or a park—just the two of us shooting the shit and enjoying each other’s company. I get the feeling that things are going to be better for him from now on. The worry lines seem a little less prominent than when he walked in.

  When Fisher signals it’s time to go, we say our goodbyes without touching each other. The barrier between us makes it pretty hard to offer him a hug or any kind of affection that would let him know just how much I love him. I watch him walk away, swallowed by the heavy door that separates the outside from the inside.

  All of the inmates who were lucky enough to join me for visiting hour are locked back in their cells. I’m surprised when Fisher leads me to mine too.

  ‘I’m not going to the library to work?’ I ask, disappointment blanketing me for the first time today.

  ‘Cole had to cover D Block this morning. She’ll be along after lunch to get you.’

  ‘Okay.’ I’m relieved, extremely glad that I’m not missing out on my time with Mercy altogether.

  ‘Miles?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Don’t get too comfortable with your little arrangement.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means that it can get taken away at any time.’

  He nods at me before leaving, taking the wind out of my sails with him. I hate assholes like Fisher. They know they have the upper hand and they just love to show you that every single chance they get.

  What a dick.

  Passing the time without Mercy just isn’t the same. It draws out a longing in me I’ve never felt before. It scares me, because I don’t want to be so utterly reliant on her for companionship, yet I know I’d never seek it out from any of the other inmates. I’d rather be alone than start mixing amongst any one of their segregated groups.

  Chow time comes and I follow the other prisoners like ants towards the mess hall. When the guard leading us there goes through the doors before us, I’m shoved violently from behind. I pitch forward, smacking into the guy in front. He spins around, unimpressed that I’ve just violated his personal space. He’s an extremely thickset beefcake who looks like he’s on the ‘roids even though that shit is hard to get in here. His neck looks bigger than my torso and I’m sure he could make mincemeat out of me if he wanted to. I offer my hands up in apology before turning around to face the prick that just made it onto my shit list.

  It’s one of the guys from the Lebo gang-rape crew. His head is shaved and he’s got prison tats on his neck. His dark, bushy mono-brow is screwed up with the scowl that’s plastered firmly on his features.

  ‘Problem?’ I ask.

  ‘No, no problem,’ he smirks.

  The guard takes that moment to step back out into the hall to see what’s taking us so long to get our asses into the lunch line.

  ‘You ladies finished chatting by the water cooler yet? Move it or you can skip lunch altogether,’ he snaps.

  I move off, knowing that they’re not going to leave it alone. They’re pissed that I beat up two of their crew. Well tough shit, they’re just going to have to live with it.

  Thankfully the rest of the lunch break goes by without incident. It appears we have too many staff on today, and they aren’t any keener than I am to start something with that many cans of mace just waiting to be used by trigger happy guards.

  I have to admit, when I make it back to my cell unharmed, I’m relieved. The last thing I want in here is trouble, but sometimes trouble comes looking. If history proves anything, it’s that I’m not one to back away when it comes after me.

  I’m broken out of my reverie by the low, sweet voice of the one person I’m dying to see.

  ‘Are you ready to go?’

  Mercy Cole is standing at my bars, looking beautiful and resilient all at the same time.

  ‘I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.’

  ‘I’ll take that as a yes.’ A little smirk dances on her lips as she takes her chain of keys and unlocks my cell door. Never before have I welcomed the sound of that lock coming undone more than I have right now. Something about her demeanor tells me she’s pretty happy I’ve been let out of my cage too.

  #17

  I couldn’t really say where the old me left off and the new one started. Perhaps it was the night I decided to put the memories of Daniel to bed. Perhaps it was the very first time I laid eyes on Saxon—I’m not sure. Perhaps it was even the day Daniel died and I just didn’t know it at the time. But there is a new me, and today I fully recognize that.

  The weeks that have passed by since I started my new job have allowed me to place a little more of Daniel into the space in my heart that doesn’t feel the absence of him with pain. With letting him go a little at a time, I’ve managed to create room to breathe again. To feel again.

  As each new d
ay arrives, happiness starts to creep back in, spreading like fissures through a once unyielding rock. It permeates the exterior, causing it to crumble like grains of sand. It allows for things to look forward to; things to appreciate and cherish.

  The revelation of starting a new life is not lost on me. It’s scary and daunting to be suddenly thrust into the reality of what it means to be alone. It causes you to second guess yourself and question everything you believe. You wonder what happened to the independent woman you once were and I’m shocked to realize that I’ve allowed a little of myself to be lost along the way so as to make way for the man who stole my heart. Daniel became the solid wall standing behind me so if I ever wanted to fall apart, he’d be there to prop me up. I came to rely on that.

  Now all I can rely on are the moments I steal each day—moments that are spent with Saxon. These forbidden snippets of time are the only thing that put a thud back in my heart and a smile on my lips. I know they come at great personal risk to the both of us, but I doubt either of us could walk away, even if that were an option. We’re forced to spend our days together – him out of punishment and me out of circumstance. Despite this, there is nothing forced about the connection we have. It’s easy—simple. As simple as breathing in and as easy as exhaling. In. Out. Breathe. Live.

  I walk towards his cell, the loud chatter, swearing and foul stench around me fading into the background of my subconscious. I know he’ll be waiting – he always is. Our routine has become quite familiar to the both of us, neither of us wanting to think about the possibility of this all coming to an end.

  The grin that greets me sends my belly into flip-flops. I restrain my smile, knowing it’s dangerous to allow any emotion to be seen by inmates on the block. If there’s one thing I can’t afford to do is let my professionalism slip while all eyes are on me. One slip and it could cost me, and cost me dearly.

  ‘Ready?’

  ‘Yes, Chief.’

  I hate him calling me Chief. It annoys the crap out of me. He’s already seduced me into liking the way he whispers my name very much. Mercy seems much more at home on his lips.

  I unlock his door and watch him gracefully slink out. His eyes stalk me and I can see the restrain in his movements as he stands to the side, waiting for my instruction. Every bit of his body language screams at me. He wants to reach out and touch me. What unnerves me is that I want him to. So far he’s kept his distance, respecting the boundaries I’ve set between us. He doesn’t push the limits I preserve, knowing I need them more than I let on because it’s not easy to sever my heart from the ties that Danny keeps. He’s patient, although I can tell he doesn’t want to be.

  With already eating at home, I allow Saxon to eat his institutional breakfast in the mess hall. I stand in the far corner of the dining area, although with his stares on me, it feels like I’m just inches away.

  He eats slowly, methodically. It’s not for pleasure – just sustenance. His gaze lingers on me as the last mouthful reaches his lips. I’m grateful that the rest of the inmates are yet to surface for their first meal of the day. They would have just witnessed the foreplay that’s going on between us. I let out a sigh of relief when Saxon stands to return his meal tray to the service area. Being out of the watchful eye of others cannot come fast enough.

  Saxon follows like a well-trained puppy. It’s not that he’s submissive, as much as he’d have me believe that he is. That’s just the dynamics of our roles at play. I know better than anyone that he’s very forward when he wants to be.

  I lead us through the warren of doors towards the library. Normally I keep prisoners in front of me as we navigate the prison, but I know Saxon is not a threat. I allow him to trail behind, well aware that he’s hot on my heels. It’s a dance, and he does it well. I can hear him closing the gap. His scent starts to occupy my senses and I can feel the heat of his body closing in.

  With him breathing down my neck, I enter the code for the library door and step through to the harsh air of freshly painted walls and lacquered shelves. He follows and softly closes the door behind us with a click. We’re alone.

  I shrug off my jacket and sling it over the front desk. I feel the tug on my belt and turn towards Saxon. His look ignites something deep inside of me.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re waiting for.’ He looks confused, perplexed even.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’m waiting for you to give me the go ahead, sweetheart.’ His hand is now tucked down the front of my belt, grazing my stomach as he gently pulls me towards him. I offer little resistance, but it’s not what he wants. My mouth becomes dry, unable to say the words, as much as he wants me to.

  ‘Mercy, just ask me once. Please, you’re killing me here.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Can’t or won’t? They’re two different things, sweetheart.’

  ‘It’s hard… to let go. I don’t expect you to understand,’ I say without mirth.

  He pulls me closer and I find myself unable to look him in the eye. The dirty old carpet that still covers the floor looks pretty good right now. With gentle hands he lifts my chin so that there’s nowhere else to look but the deep, dark green of his eyes.

  ‘I’m perhaps the only person who understands. It’s natural to feel abandoned when you lose someone, especially when you’ve cared so much for that person. I just don’t want you to feel alone. I know it’s hard for you to believe anything I say, especially under the circumstances, but you can trust me.’

  His look haunts me. He’s sincere and I know it. What I have trouble with is that my head and heart are telling me to do two different things. I can feel the heat of his hand, still on my belt and burning a hole through my shirt. My body craves any intimate touch he offers, yet my head screams at me not to get hurt again. He can see I’m caving, giving over to my desire. Softly he starts to stroke his finger over my belly, sending my heart all aflutter. He never takes his eyes off me, lulling me into submission with his demands.

  ‘Why are you so afraid of falling?’

  I think about this for a second, trying hard to come up with an answer that is both honest and true.

  ‘It’s not the falling I’m afraid of,’ I whisper. ‘It’s the end that scares me.’

  ‘Does it have to end?’ He smiles sadly, not really wanting to hear my answer.

  ‘It always does.’

  He leans in close and kisses the top of my head, holding me close for the briefest of seconds.

  ‘I better get started on this next lot of shelves or the warden is going to think I’m wasting tax payers’ dollars.’

  He breaks our connection and I hate that I’ve pushed him away with my words when all I want to do is pull him close with my body. I watch him shrug off his jumper, his arms flexing as the material comes off over his head. Watching him walk away from me physically hurts. I don’t want to feel hurt anymore. I need to feel something—anything other than the pain that’s enveloped me for so long.

  ‘Saxon?’ It’s not a shout, but it stops him all the same. I feel like Baby in Dirty Dancing, calling after a man for reassurance. He halts immediately and turns towards me. He comes as close as he can without physically touching me. His presence makes me pant a little, as though the air has become too sparse between us. We’re both fighting to take deep breaths.

  ‘Just say the word, sweetheart.’

  My mouth opens but my lips can’t move, although my eyes desperately plead with him. They beg, knowing exactly what they’re asking for, and sorely needing it.

  ‘Good enough,’ he says, not hesitating in the slightest as he lifts me clean off the ground. Firm hands grip my ribs as his tongue finds mine. His breath is hot and choppy as he struggles to show some restrain. I grip his waist as hard as I can with my legs, crushing my pelvis against his own. His need can be felt against me and just the thought of him inside of me makes me ache with want.

  He walks us in a grappling mess towards the kitchenette at the front of the library. It’s th
e only space that can’t be seen directly if someone were to walk through the main entry. The only thing that’s keeping the rest of the prison out is the keypad on the external wall.

  I’m startled by the loud crash as Saxon scrapes the kettle and mugs off the bench and into the sink. In one fluid movement he places my ass in their place without breaking his stride.

  It’s dark enough in here without the light switched on to believe I could be anywhere. Not in a prison; not restrained by bars of any sort. It’s a lovely illusion I keep with my eyes closed.

  His mouth mauls my neck, eagerly tasting my flesh as his fingers fumble with the buttons on my top. When he gets to my waist, he teases the tails of my shirt out of my pants before easing it off my shoulders. After wanting to be numb for so long, all I want to do now is feel every single nerve ending ignited and set on fire.

  Saxon’s mouth blazes down the column of my neck, fully intent on seeking out my breasts that are barely contained within my bra. He roughly pulls the material to the side, irritated by the distraction of his onslaught. When they fall free, his mouth sucks greedily on my taut nipples that have pebbled hard in response to his touch. His wet tongue lashes out, teasing me and making me grab his head in response, crushing him to me so that he can take more of me in.

  There’s no stopping him now, and I don’t want to. All rational thought has left me. It’s just me and him – no ghosts, inmates or other demons lurking as a distraction. He has my complete attention, and I he.

  His mouth finds my belly, planting eager kisses down towards my crotch. He discards my belt with the same eagerness as the rest of my garments, wanting to delve deeper beneath the confines of my clothes.

  I lean back against the wall, shoving my ass closer to the edge of the bench so that I can get as close to him as possible. He buries his head between my legs, nipping at the apex of my thighs with his teeth, sending me all kinds of crazy. I run my fingers through his hair, knowing that despite my lack of words earlier, he seems to know exactly what I want.