Players of Marycliff University Box Set, Books 1–3

by Jerica MacMillan

  “What are we doing here, Matt? What’s the point? I won’t be responsible for you losing your job at the beginning of the summer, but I’m not going to turn down a summer internship at Eco Utilities if they offer it to me, either.”

  He raised his eyes to hers again, her face no longer angry or twisted, just sad. Bile rose in his throat, and he fought to swallow it down. “What are you saying?”

  She shook her head. “We’re at an impasse. You won’t quit, and I’m not going to destroy my career for a guy who won’t make any compromises for me. Who expects me to do all the bending. That means we have to break up by the end of May.” She lifted one shoulder and let it drop. “What’s the point, though? Why wait? This clearly won’t work out between us, and we’ll have a couple of months to move on and get over this before you’ll be one of my managers again. It’ll be cleaner this way. No wondering what happened or why. We both know what’s happening and why.”

  He was going to throw up. “That’s it? You’re just going to break up with me? And you think that you care more about me than I care about you? At least I’m trying to come up with a way for us to work out and stay together. You’re ready to throw everything away at the first problem.” He laughed, but it sounded mean, even to his own ears. “I tell you I love you, and you throw it back in my face. No, Hannah. You’re wrong. If anyone cares more, it’s me. I’ve been in love with you for weeks.”

  “Oh, Matt.” She shook her head, tears tracking down her cheeks now. “I’ve loved you since I gave myself to you that first time. But I can’t be with someone who expects me to do everything and gives nothing in return.”

  He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. There was nothing left to say. He watched as she moved to the front door, her head down, her hair hiding her face from him. The deadbolt slid back with a loud snick, and she looked at him again, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “I need you to leave now, before you break me more than you already have.”

  His eyes burned as he stepped toward her, and the corners of his mouth pulled down no matter how hard he tried to fight it. He cupped her cheek with one hand, his thumb wiping away some of the tears, but they kept coming regardless. Lifting her face, he pressed his trembling lips to hers one last time. He pulled back and blinked hard, forcing away the moisture that blurred his vision. “You’ve destroyed me, too.”

  She closed her eyes and turned the door handle, pulling it open. He left, and the tears spilled out, the dam holding them back finally breaking. He managed to control himself by the time he got to his truck, stopping at a liquor store on the way home, needing more than the three beers left in the fridge. He came home with a bottle of cheap tequila and drank until he could barely stand, stumbled into his bedroom, and passed out face down on top of the blankets.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  “Hannah?” Elena’s voice reached her in the bathroom, where she sat on the floor scrubbing at the baseboards.

  “In here!” She didn’t stop, even when Elena’s shoes came into her peripheral vision in the doorway.

  “What are you doing? You do realize our lease isn’t up for months, right? We don’t need to do a move-out cleaning any time soon.”

  Hannah sat back, blew a strand of hair out of her face, and looked up at her roommate. “It’ll make it easier then if we keep up with it now.”

  Elena stepped past her, sitting down on the lid of the toilet, chewing on her lower lip, her eyebrows creased with concern. “What happened?”

  “What do you mean?” Hannah turned, closing the door and attacking the corner behind it with the old toothbrush in her hand, scrubbing away the accumulation of eight months of dust and gunk from the baseboards in the bathroom. “Dammit! Hand me a paper towel, would you?”

  Elena grabbed the roll of paper towels off the counter and handed it to Hannah. “Why are you cleaning the baseboards? You barely keep up with the dishes and day to day stuff. Our apartment is spotless. I didn’t even expect you to be home. Where’s Matt?”

  Trying to seem casual, Hannah shrugged and kept her attention on scrubbing the baseboard. It didn’t need it anymore, but she didn’t want to look at Elena right now, knowing the pain from the question was written on her face. “We broke up.”

  She heard Elena suck in a breath. She stilled, waiting for whatever Elena would say next.

  “Shit. I’m sorry, Hannah. I was really hoping things would work out this time.”

  Hannah’s shoulders slumped, and she stopped scrubbing. Squeezing her eyes shut, she pushed her palms against her eyelids, trying to will the tears to stay inside. She’d cried enough over the last several days. She didn’t want to do it anymore. And when relief hit her at Elena’s words, she realized she’d been waiting for her friend to say, “I told you so,” or something along those lines. The compassion she offered instead brought out Hannah’s tears. Again.

  Arms slipped around Hannah’s shoulders, squeezing her tight, and she turned into Elena’s arms and let go. She cried for the girl she’d been when she’d met Matt the first time, for the way he’d broken her heart then, and the way he’d broken her heart again. She’d been afraid going into this that it would happen again. And she’d been right. She cried for that, too. And for the many times she’d been tempted to call him, tempted to agree to turn down the summer internship, wanting him so badly, but unable to bring herself to go through with it. Each time she thought about what he’d said, what she’d decided, the pain lanced through her again. She let it all wash over her and cried until she couldn’t anymore.

  When she stopped, she determined that this would be the last time. She wouldn’t cry for Matt anymore. Standing up, she wiped the tears off her cheeks.

  Elena stood too. “Better?”

  Hannah nodded and gave her the best smile she could.

  “Good. Now, do you need me to go cut his balls off?”

  Hannah let out an unexpected laugh, and Elena smiled at her. “Seriously, though. What happened? You guys were supposed to spend the week together. It seemed like everything was going well. I don’t get it.”

  With a sigh, Hannah looked around the bathroom. “Can we talk about this in a different room? Maybe the living room, or the kitchen?”

  Elena chuckled. “Of course. Come into the kitchen. I’ll make you some breakup pie, and you can tell me all about what happened.” Elena made pies when she was stressed or working through something in her head, so they always had ingredients on hand in the apartment.

  So while she mixed together a pastry crust and found some berries in the freezer for filling, Hannah filled her in on the disaster that happened at dinner on Monday evening. Elena made appropriate sympathetic noises, and when Hannah finished telling her about their conversation on Tuesday, Elena looked thoughtful. After creating the lattice crust for the top of the pie in silence and putting it in the oven, she washed her hands and turned back to Hannah. “That really sucks, Han. I’m sorry. How are you doing?”

  Hannah blinked away the tears that threatened to fall again. She gave Elena a pathetic smile, but it was the best she could do. “Not great. I’ve cried every day since then. Like a lot. But I’m trying to stop. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. He obviously doesn’t care enough about me to be willing to work things out except by telling me that I have to give up on my life goals. Because keeping a job he barely tolerates is clearly more important than me having the chance to do something I love.” She shook her head, bringing her voice back to normal. “But whatever.” She pulled her shoulders back and straightened her spine. “I’m going to focus on myself and going after my goals. And I’m going to put myself out there more to meet someone new. It’s past time, don’t you think?”

  Elena opened her mouth, her brows crinkled and concern in her eyes, but then closed it without saying anything. She gave a short nod. “Sure. That sounds like a good plan.”

  “What?”

  Elena arched an eyebrow. “I agreed with you. What do you mean what?”

  Hannah
narrowed her eyes at her. “You were going to say something, and you stopped yourself. What were you going to say, Elena?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing. I’m just sad for you. And while I agree with you, it seems like there ought to be some way to fix this, but I can’t think of anything.”

  Hannah sighed. “I know. I’ve been over it a thousand times. But if he’s not willing to even look for something else in the two months before the conflict is back in place, then I can’t be with him. Even he told me I should stand up for myself and what I want to do. So this is me doing that. Even though it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

  Elena pulled Hannah into another hug. “I know. I’m sorry. Let me know if you need my help meeting someone new, and I’m there.”

  Hannah squeezed her back and let go. “Alright. Well, based on your picks earlier this semester, I don’t need you setting me up with anyone. But maybe some girls’ nights out would be good. In a couple weeks or so.”

  “Deal.”

  * * *

  Matt went through the rest of the week in a daze. He called off sick on Wednesday, too hungover to function. He knew Janine would give him shit about it the next day, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Nothing mattered anymore. He was shattered, and the best he could hope for was numbness.

  He didn’t drink as much on Wednesday night. Enough to dull the edge of pain caused by the hole in his chest, but not so much he wouldn’t be able to function the next day. He nodded through Janine’s lecture, making sure to keep his face impassive. Not that he had any trouble. He couldn’t give a shit about what she had to say to him or why she was mad. He knew it was because he’d called off sick twice that week, the first time to spend the day with Hannah. And she definitely didn’t approve of that relationship. But he didn’t bother to tell her they’d broken up. Partly because he still couldn’t believe it himself. And partly because telling her would penetrate the blanket of numbness he’d wrapped around himself to get through the day.

  Friday was more of the same, going through the motions at work on autopilot, relying on routine to get things done. Janine dumped all her grunt work for the day on his desk, glaring at him as she did so. Her admin normally took care of this stuff, but she was busy checking in with all of the interns that had been Matt’s responsibility. Janine had too much to do to bother dealing with them herself, which was part of why she’d been so pissed at him when she’d found out about Hannah and had to take the interns away from him.

  A bitter laugh escaped him when he realized how unnecessary it was. Hannah had broken up with him at the first chance. No matter what she’d said, she’d been looking for an excuse to break up with him all along, a reason to justify why they shouldn’t be together. She’d told him that she didn’t trust him when he saw her in January. He thought he’d won her over, gotten her to trust him again, but he’d obviously been wrong. She wouldn’t have been able to walk away from him so easily if that had been true.

  “Matt?” Janine’s concerned voice penetrated his grim thoughts.

  He raised his eyes to find her peering at him over the top of his cubicle. “Yes?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Fine.”

  She tilted her head to the side, her mouth pursed and her eyebrows scrunched together. “I don’t think so.” She shook her head slowly. “What’s going on? You’ve barely said three words today and yesterday combined. I’ve never seen you like this.”

  He shrugged, knowing that only proved her point. “It’s personal, Janine. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Yeah, that’s not going to work with me.” She crossed her arms on top of the cubicle wall, settling in for a long conversation. “If it’s affecting your work, then it does matter. And you’re not even filing things correctly. You’ve been here long enough that you know better, so either you can tell me here, or we can go in my office, and I’ll ask a million questions until I pull it out of you. Which would you prefer?” One manicured brown eyebrow arched up.

  Fine. She wanted to know what was wrong? He’d tell her and wait for her to gloat. He sat back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest, his eyes never leaving hers. “I told Hannah about our conversation on Tuesday.”

  “I take it that it didn’t go well?”

  “Ha.” It was supposed to be an ugly laugh, but he couldn’t even pull that off. It sounded like he just said a word. “Yeah. You could say that. She dumped me.”

  Janine’s other eyebrow raised up to match the first, but she didn’t say anything. He waited for something. An, “I told you so,” or an apology or something, but she just continued to stare at him. He held her gaze, waiting her out. She shrugged one shoulder. “It’s probably for the best. If she’s going to break up with you that easily, she’s definitely not worth ruining your career over. Count yourself lucky it ended now before you got in too deep.”

  He stared at her for a moment, blown away at her callous dismissal of their relationship. But instead of blowing up like he wanted to, he just grunted, making sure his mask of indifference stayed firmly in place.

  Hannah was right. He couldn’t stay here. He didn’t like this place enough to give her up for a career that he hated.

  Turning away from Janine, he went back to the pile of mindless paperwork and data entry she’d given him to do today. “Sorry for screwing things up. I’ll pay more attention from now on.”

  “Good.” She waited a few beats, still looking at him over the wall of his cubicle, but he refused to return her gaze, hoping she’d get the idea that he was done talking. He let out a breath when he heard her move away, heading back to her office. Thank God his chair faced away from the cubicle opening so he didn’t have to see her while she sat working at her desk.

  Now he just needed to figure out how to do what he’d always wanted and get paid for it.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  After work on Friday, Matt made a spur-of-the-moment decision to go home for the weekend. It would be a quick trip and lots of driving, but he needed the time and space to think and figure himself out. He’d lost Hannah from being too chickenshit to realize that he cared more about her than a crappy job that he didn’t even like. Sure, it paid the bills, but she was right. There were lots of ways to pay the bills. And lots of time to get stuck in a rut where paying the bills was the most important thing. He was twenty-two, almost twenty-three, and only responsible for himself. His parents had always taught him to save for a rainy day, so he had some money saved up, enough to get by for a while, especially if he kept his expenses about the same.

  The clock in his car read 11:49 when he got to his parents’ house. He’d called on his way out of town to warn them that he was coming. One lamp glowed in the window when he pulled his truck into the driveway, letting him know that his mom had waited up for him. She sat in her favorite chair reading a book, wearing a robe, ready for bed as soon as she saw that he’d gotten in safely.

  She stood when he walked in the door and gave him a hug. “Are you hungry?”

  He hugged her back, already feeling more grounded from the drive and the anchor his mother provided. The familiar smells of home surrounded him—fresh baked bread mixed with the lemony smell of cleaners and the scent of the fabric softener she used floating up from her clothes.

  Pulling back, he nodded. “Yeah, I could eat.”

  She smiled up at him and headed into the kitchen, getting out the rolls she must have baked that evening. “It’s a good thing I was making stew for dinner tonight. I always make a big batch and freeze half so your father and I can have it again later. But when you said you were coming I left it in the fridge.”

  Matt sat at the dining room table, happy to let his mom fuss over him. He hadn’t been home since Thanksgiving, and he enjoyed having someone take care of him. After she’d warmed up his food in the microwave, she set it in front of him, running her hand over his hair and down to his back in a show of maternal affection. He looked up into her face and noticed her concerned eyes
.

  “Is everything alright, Matt? It’s not like you to just up and drive across the state like this. Are you in trouble?”

  Swallowing down the first bite of stew, he shook his head, giving his mom a reassuring smile. “No, Mom. I’m not in trouble. I just needed to get away and clear my head. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”

  She nodded, covering a yawn. “Okay. Well, it’s late for me, so I’m going to bed.” She dropped a kiss on the top of his head. “Goodnight. See you in the morning.”

  “Night, Mom.”

  The next morning Matt woke up early, eager to get out on the water. That was the real reason he’d come. He planned on discussing everything with his parents, too, but first he needed to get his own head straight.

  March could be iffy for surfing in Westport, but the weather cooperated this weekend, thank God. After checking the surf report, grabbing a quick breakfast, his longboard, and wetsuit, he headed for the Jetties, not wanting to have to pay the fee to get into the state park today.

  He sucked in his breath when he got in the water, the cold permeating his wetsuit. It was just warm enough out today that he didn’t go for the drysuit, but it had been so long since he’d spent much time in the ocean that he regretted that decision. Not enough to get out and go home to change, though.

  Paddling out, he used the cold to focus his mind and spur him on, glad that there weren’t too many people out competing for the available waves. It wasn’t great surfing, but it felt so good to be on a board again, one with his body, fully present, moving with the flow of the ocean. The only other time he’d felt like this recently, this feeling of inhabiting his body instead of living in his head, was when he’d been wrapped up in Hannah. She did this to him, gave this to him, and he didn’t even think she realized how much he needed this feeling to stay sane, how much he needed her. He needed it like he needed air.