The Good Mother

by Karen Osman

  ‘Perhaps some sort of conversation to let me know that you were seeing other people would have been nice,’ she retorted.

  ‘I’m sorry, really I am. I thought you understood it was just a bit of fun,’ he countered.

  ‘Well, I’m not someone you can just have a bit of fun with and then drop like a hot potato.’

  ‘Come on, Kate,’ he cajoled. ‘Where’s that girl I used to love meeting up with? Don’t be cross. Here, let me make it up to you. How about a drink tonight on me?’

  Kate looked at him in disbelief. ‘I don’t think so.’

  He shrugged, his mind already elsewhere. Kate realised it was neither here nor there to him if she had a drink with him or not. There were plenty of other women who would be happy to take her place.

  Turning to leave, she said to him, ‘I really hope I don’t see you again, Mr Barnes. You have taken advantage of your position and one day it’s going to come back and bite you.’

  He laughed but there was a sinister grin on his face. ‘I doubt it, Kate. I’m not the one who’s married and carrying on like I was single! Better hope your husband doesn’t find out.’

  Shaking, Kate knew she didn’t have a leg to stand on. He knew where she lived, where her family lived. How could she have been so stupid? Hopefully, he wouldn’t want the drama of causing any trouble, but for now, he had her over a barrel and he knew it.

  Whistling, he sauntered off with a quick throwaway remark over his shoulder. ‘Cheerio for now!’

  Kate could have slapped him, his nonchalance a perfect expression of the casual way he had treated their relationship, and the power he now held to destroy her marriage with one word to her husband.

  *

  It was 3:26 a.m. and Kate was lying awake listening to the sound of her husband sleeping. He was not noisy but she was irritated that he slept so easily when she had been struggling for hours. It had been a week since she had encountered Mr Barnes in the coffee shop, and she hadn’t been able to think about anything else since. She was living in constant fear that he would tell her husband about their affair, the consequences of which would fall on her, and fall heavily. She had broken her marriage vows, broken the sacred bond of trust, and she didn’t know how to fix it. She couldn’t concentrate and the fear seeped into her bones making her feel ill with worry. The irony was that her relationship with her husband was improving. Having become so preoccupied with Mr Barnes, she had inadvertently given her husband the space he so desperately craved from her. He had been promoted at work in the last month and while he was still commuting long hours, the extra salary had taken the pressure off their finances, allowing a few extra treats for the girls. Coming home one night, he had presented her with a bunch of flowers along with the news of his raise. Taken aback, Kate hid her surprise by burying her face into the lilies, smelling their scent.

  ‘I’m sorry I have been so difficult to live with these past few months,’ he said. ‘The job loss really took its toll and I felt useless and ashamed that I couldn’t provide for you. I know I haven’t made much of an effort lately but things will change from now on.’

  It was one of the very few times her husband had apologised to her in the last two years and she could have wept at hearing those words. If only he had said them a few months ago, perhaps everything would have been different. Holding him close, she whispered her thanks, trying to hold back the tears.

  ‘Hey,’ he whispered to her. ‘I know it was bad, but I hate seeing you cry. I promise I’ll make it up to you.’

  Sinking in to him, Kate hoped she hadn’t lost everything with her reckless behaviour. No matter how bad things had become she should have been stronger.

  ‘I’m sorry, too.’ Her words conveyed a deeper meaning than he understood. ‘I’ll try harder as well.’

  ‘You do more than enough, Kate. It’s me who’s been the idiot. I’ve just been so incredibly stressed and tired. It all started to get to me.’

  ‘I know. Me, too. From now on, I’ll try and be more supportive.’

  Hiding her relief, Kate went to put the flowers in some water, hoping that the lilies weren’t a prophecy of the death of her marriage.

  Chapter 40

  Alison

  It was with mixed feelings that Alison went back to her lectures. Her self-imposed isolation had changed her in some way but how, or in what way, she was unsure. She was grateful for the company of Laura and Mark as they accompanied her throughout the day. Although neither of them said anything, Alison could feel herself being observed closely, as if she was a doll that might break. She couldn’t make up her mind if their treatment annoyed her or comforted her, but either way, it was good to have the support. She hadn’t told them about the state of her relationship, although she suspected they both knew something wasn’t quite right. Perhaps it was the way Laura had started talking about feminism, the rights of women, how women didn’t need men and how they were just a distraction. Or it could have been the constant blaring of the Spice Girls from her room. Mark was subtler and showed his support by being with her as much as possible. He kept her distracted with his jokes and funny stories and accompanied her to all her lectures.

  Day by day, she felt herself become stronger and more confident. She met The Professor in a coffee shop in town once a week and so far, he seemed to be respecting her wishes to take everything slowly. He had briefly mentioned another holiday but Alison didn’t want to commit to anything yet, never mind a holiday, and he seemed to respect that. As the end of term drew to a close, the stress of exams kept everyone busy. Alison did the best she could and hoped it was enough, but these days she was sleeping at night rather than studying and felt more rested and laid-back as a result. Mark’s presence helped a lot as they studied together, and she found his rhythm of concentrated work with regular breaks and walks a lot more enjoyable than her previous frantic pace. Each evening she saw Laura and they chatted over a cup of tea. The ritual soothed her and once in her own bed, she fell asleep quickly. Neither Laura nor Mark pushed her for answers about her relationship and she was grateful for that.

  *

  After so much work for the exams, results day eventually came.

  ‘Oh my God, I didn’t sleep a wink last night, I was so nervous!’ said Laura over breakfast.

  ‘Why?’ replied Alison. It was the first time she had seen Laura looking less than perky.

  ‘The papers were sooooo hard,’ complained Laura.

  ‘But you’re set for a first,’ Alison reassured her friend. ‘You’ll be fine.’

  ‘I hope so. My parents will kill me if I fail.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure you’re a long way from failing.’

  ‘I know but still…’

  ‘Come on,’ interrupted Alison. ‘Let’s walk down together. We can each go and get our results and then meet for lunch. How does that sound?’

  ‘OK, I suppose I could always make myself feel better with some chocolate cake.’

  As the girls walked along the towpath, Alison remembered her race against Mark. She would like to start running again. It had made her feel invigorated and healthy, and gave her brain a break.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ asked Laura.

  ‘I was just thinking about starting running again over summer.’

  ‘That’s a good idea. Then you can join the running club here at the college in September.’

  ‘Well, I won’t be here in September most likely.’

  ‘What? What on earth are you on about? Of course you will! Why would you say that?’

  ‘Well, after a week off, I’m guessing my results aren’t going to be great today.’

  ‘A week off is not going to affect your grades. Besides, you were ill. There’s not a lot you could have done about it.’

  ‘Well, let’s see what the results say. See you at twelve?’

  ‘Yep – good luck!’

  ‘You, too!’

  As they parted ways on Elvet Bridge, Alison took in the beauty of the city. She was so
happy to call Durham her home but, at the same time, she also wondered what else was out there for her. Heading to the law faculty, she braced herself. Let’s get this over with then, she said to herself. There was a crowd of people around the notice board and as she waited her turn, she heard the shouts of happiness, the cries of dismay, and her classmates supporting or celebrating each other. When her turn came, Alison ran her finger down the list of names and traced it to the right to the corresponding result. That can’t be right, Alison thought to herself. Checking again, Alison came up against the same result. 2:1.

  ‘Hey, Alison! Congrats!’ Someone grabbed her in a hug before she was moved aside by the rest of the waiting students clamouring to get their results.

  There must be some mistake, Alison thought to herself, there’s no way I achieved a 2:1. She would have to go and check. Approaching the head of department’s office door, she tentatively knocked.

  ‘Ah, Alison, how nice to see you. I know we’ve only briefly met before so thanks for coming at such short notice. I was a bit worried you wouldn’t get my email to be honest.’ Reaching out to shake her hand, Alison noticed the large desk name plate. Dr Taylor.

  ‘Email?’ Alison asked. She normally checked her emails in the afternoon.

  ‘Yes,’ replied Dr Taylor. ‘I sent it this morning, just wondering if you could come and see me after you picked up your results. Did you not see it? Either way, you’re here now. Have a seat, please.’

  So, it was a mistake, Alison thought to herself. She wondered how much of a mistake had been made and what her actual mark was. As Dr Taylor sorted through her papers, Alison took in her surroundings. Even seated behind an expansive desk, Dr Taylor was an impressive figure. Tall, slim and elegantly dressed, she looked in great shape for what Alison guessed to be the age of fifty. But what was most striking was her confidence. It wasn’t brash but more of an inner calm that resonated from her. She conveyed the appearance of being completely in control. I want to be like that, thought Alison suddenly.

  ‘Right, here we are. Yes, your papers. Alison, I brought you in here because I wanted to congratulate you on your results today. You are one of the few students who has really shown steady and continual improvement throughout the two years. We see all types of students here. Some start off strong and then crash and burn, some struggle in the beginning and eventually give up, but you, Alison, from what I hear, have worked consistently hard, and it shows in your results today.

  Alison stared, open-mouthed.

  Dr Taylor smiled. ‘Well, don’t look so surprised!’

  ‘I’m sorry, yes, th-thank you.’ Alison felt flustered. As Dr Taylor stood up, Alison started to gather her things. Seeing her out the door, Dr Taylor said, ‘We’re expecting great things from you, Alison. It just goes to show how hard work really does pay off.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  With a final handshake, Alison left the room and walked to the entrance. Standing stock still on the steps of the law building, she absorbed Dr Taylor’s words again.

  Smiling, she broke into run to meet Laura.

  *

  It was only when her parents arrived at the university to collect her for the summer that she realised one of her friends – she was guessing Laura – must have called them. How worried she must have been to go to the trouble of getting in touch with them, Alison thought as she took in her mother’s drawn and anxious looks, while her father’s face was set with worry. As she fell into the familiar comfort of her father’s embrace, ripples of relief rolled over her and she knew that her nightmare would soon come to an end.

  *

  They let her settle back in at home for a few days before they brought up the topic of her relationship, and while Alison knew it would come up at some point, she was content to relax in the familiar rituals of daily life with her parents. She barely even looked at her phone anymore and she could feel the anxiety dim each day.

  However, one morning she came down to breakfast to discover her father in his casual clothes sitting at the breakfast table with her mother. This was odd, as he had usually left for the office by the time she came down.

  ‘Sit down, Alison,’ he said gently, as her mother placed some coffee before her. ‘Do you want to tell us what’s been happening at university?’

  And slowly but surely, the whole story came out. The Professor, the holiday, her struggle with the course, her fear of failure… she left nothing out, except the violence she had endured. At certain points, Alison bowed her head in shame as she recounted the lies she had told. Her parents said nothing, just listened to her, and while she knew she had disappointed them, she also felt their support, simply by their lack of judgement. As she finished, tears rolling down her face, she told them how sorry she was, and as her father gripped her in a strong embrace, reassuring her and promising her on his life that he and her mother would sort this, she finally broke down as the huge racking sobs took over her body.

  *

  Over the next few weeks Alison slept a lot, but it was a peaceful, deep sleep that recharged her body. She had a plan and she was feeling good about it. By talking everything through, she could see that she couldn’t resurrect her relationship with The Professor, but the thought of not being with him any longer petrified her. In fact, she knew it would be a relief to have it sorted once and for all and to be able to concentrate on her work, her friends, and all the fun that came with university life. For two years, she had been consumed by The Professor but it felt like a lifetime. Unbelievably, she only had one more year of university to go and she wanted to make the most of it. The final year was also the most important one in terms of her final mark, of course.

  She had agreed with her parents that she should use the summer to recharge and relax. She would need to speak to The Professor to tell him her decision and her parents had also suggested she go on holiday with Laura for a week in August for a change of scene. Her parents kept a close eye on her but gradually, with the warmth of the long summer days, she felt like she was returning to her old self. Alison also realised that she had a lot to look forward to and she had an opportunity to make a real difference in her chosen field of law. She had met Dr Taylor again and talked through some of her worries with regard to the work load for the final year. Dr Taylor had given her some suggestions as well as some reassurances about her progress. She accepted she was not going to be the best student in the graduating class of 2000 but she knew she was a long way from being the worst. Dr Taylor had also helped her set up a short law internship in Newcastle for a few weeks over the summer. It was the perfect antidote to the dryness of the lectures. The lawyers were young, passionate, dynamic and eager to prove themselves. They believed in fighting for causes, justice, and using the law to make a better world. During her few weeks there, Alison remembered why she had chosen law as a profession. Each intern was given a mentor and Alison’s was a partner in the firm, called Amanda. Her reputation as one of the best solicitors in the city preceded her and Alison soaked up everything she could. Amanda was highly sought after as a mentor and there was a lot of envy from the other interns.

  ‘You’re so lucky,’ said Kelly, a law student studying at Newcastle. ‘She’s amazing!’

  ‘Yes, she is rather, isn’t she? Today, she let me attend one of her client meetings and tomorrow I’m going to court!’

  Alison couldn’t believe her luck. Every day, she sprang out of bed, eager to see what Amanda had in store for her. She felt she had learnt more in those few weeks than she would in a lifetime of studying books. When the internship came to an end, Alison was crushed. But on her last day, Amanda had called her into her office.

  ‘Alison, I just want to thank you for all your hard work over these past few weeks.’

  ‘Thank you so much! I’ve really enjoyed it!’

  ‘So, Durham, huh? I went there, too. It’s tough, but keep persevering because I know you can make it. And who knows? I may meet you in the courtroom one day soon.’ And with that, she swept out of he
r office, leaving Alison her business card and asking her to get in touch if she wanted to intern again next year.

  On the train back, Alison turned the business card over and over in her hand. Under Amanda, Alison had flourished and for the first time in a long while she felt excited about her future. All she had to do was get through the final year and then she could get on with her career. In the meantime, she had her girls’ holiday to look forward to.

  Alison hugged herself, urging the train to go faster so she could tell her parents about her day.

  Chapter 41

  Kate

  The doorbell rang and Kate’s heart started pounding. It was 7.15 a.m. and her husband still hadn’t left for work. They both looked at each in surprise, wondering who could be at the door so early. Kate had been living in fear ever since Mr Barnes had made his parting veiled threat to her. Her secret had started to burn her brain, making her paranoid, and the thought of being found out preoccupied her mind, both day and night. Her husband went to the door, bringing back a parcel that was too big to go through the letterbox and had come by special delivery.

  ‘Addressed to you, Kate. I wonder what it could be.’ His smile, however, gave away the fact that he knew exactly what it was. It was February, Valentine’s Day, she realised now, looking at the calendar hanging in the kitchen. The date had utterly escaped her. They hadn’t bought presents for each other in the last few years and she had an awful feeling she was going to be upstaged. She opened the parcel to find the contents much smaller than the packaging. A ring box rested amongst a cloud of tissue paper. As she lifted the lid, she took an intake of breath as a small diamond gleamed back at her.

  ‘I never did get you an engagement ring,’ he said to her, giving her a long kiss. ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.’

  Overcome, Kate heard the girls shriek in delight as her husband slipped the ring on her finger. It fitted exactly. The moment would have been perfect had it not been for the piercing terror inside her that had escalated to epic proportions when she’d heard the doorbell ring.