The Good Mother
Page 27
She thought of the holiday to the Caribbean. It had been so long since Catherine had shown any interest in travelling anywhere. They used to travel every year once Richard had got his promotion, to beautiful countries such as France, Spain, Turkey, Italy. But after Alison was murdered, the holidays all stopped. They never spoke about it. Richard would have felt guilty even suggesting something so enjoyable as a holiday, while his elder daughter lay dead in the ground.
So, when Catherine had wanted to go all out, telling him she wanted to make it the holiday of a lifetime and that they all deserved it after everything they’d been through, Richard was happy. He hadn’t begrudged any of it. Catherine knew what Richard was thinking: that this is exactly what they needed and he should have persuaded Catherine to do it years ago.
Perhaps, she thought to herself now, she should have talked to Richard first about her plan. But then that would have put him in jeopardy and he would only have tried to talk her out of it. Besides, she needed him to be there for Helen. But whatever had happened to Alison, he wouldn’t have wanted her to go this far. Catherine knew that what she had done would destroy her family even further but she also knew Richard would cope. He would have to, if only for the sake of Helen. She knew he would be angry and she knew he would think her selfish. But as she lay in Michael’s blood, the knife glistening in her fingers, for the first time in twelve years, she was at peace.
Richard had practically raised Helen single-handedly after Alison died. Yes, of course Catherine had been physically present but it was Richard who had made sure Helen had someone to talk to, to sort out the problems at school, to make sure that she felt loved and supported, and to reassure her that the same thing wasn’t going to happen to her. Catherine just wanted to immerse herself in being busy. There was always something to do – a school fair to prepare for, a committee that needed forming, an errand that needed to be run. She kept herself so busy that somehow the human connection between them all became so vast. So while Richard and Helen were healing, Catherine was alone with her grief. They couldn’t say she hadn’t tried. Counselling, therapy, group sessions, support networks, even medication – there was very little they hadn’t done in the aftermath. But Catherine knew all along that the guilt would get to her eventually. While she hadn’t killed her daughter directly, she had brought Michael into their lives with her actions all those years before. The loss of her daughter combined with the excruciating guilt had broken her and now, finally, it was her turn to do time.
Chapter 47
Catherine
Picking up her pen, Catherine began her first letter to Richard. It would be the first of many, collected and sent by the prison guards. No rich, creamy writing paper with matching envelopes here. Against her fingers, the paper was practically see-through.
Dear Richard,
I know how angry and shocked you are that the terrible tragedy that took away our beautiful, precious Alison over twelve years ago has come to this. I have admired – and sometimes envied – how you have built a new life and maintained some sense of normality, if only for the sake of Helen. I am not as strong as you but I did try my best. I just couldn’t carry on any longer, especially when I learnt there was a chance he may be up for parole. I felt paralysed for so long and I had to do something to avenge our daughter.
I had felt optimistic about our fresh start in the Lake District, and for a while it seemed to be working. No longer surrounded by memories, each of us, in our own way, began to build a new life for ourselves. But while you and Helen seemed to move on, I found myself gradually sinking further and further into depression and I just ran out of energy to keep on fighting. It gave me no comfort that that man was being punished in prison. Just knowing he would be released eventually hung over me and I knew the only way to find peace of mind was death, either for myself or Michael. In the end, I chose Michael. Nothing else mattered. I was aware of the potential consequences but I had to take the risk. I do hope in time that you can – if not forgive me – at least understand why I had to do it.
I know you think it was selfish of me but I hope with time that you will come to understand that a mother’s love for her child is stronger than everything.
While I know you may not visit me for a long time, I pray that you eventually come to understand my actions and take comfort from the fact that I am not suffering here. I have always wanted to come home to County Durham and while Low Newton Prison has physically captured me, my mind is now free and justice has been done. I know I don’t need to ask but please look after Helen and I hope she also comes to understand one day, when she has children of her own, why I had to do what I did to finally become a good mother.
With much love,
Catherine
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Acknowledgements
I would like to thank my agent Luigi Bonomi for his encouragement and optimism. To my editor, Sarah Ritherdon who was simply amazing to work with, the talented copy-editing team Yvonne Holland and Sue Lamprell, and the digital team Nia Beynon and Yasemin Turan. Thank you to the whole team at Head of Zeus and Aria for believing in this book.
My novel writing journey started at the Emirates Airline Festival of Literature (EAFOL) winning the Montegrappa Novel Writing Award. Thank you to Isobel Abulhoul, Yvette Judge, and the whole team at EAFOL as well as Charles Nahhas of Montegrappa Middle East for creating such an opportunity for new authors.
To my parents, Sandra and Chris Whittle, thank you for always being there for me and supporting me in everything I do. I would also like to thank Murtaza Manji for his incredible mentorship and Tiffany Eslick for taking the time to provide so much valuable feedback. Special thanks also go to Noha Osman, Sian Fouracre, Rosalie Carlos, Samantha Armstrong, Jessica Jarlvi, and Emma Smalls. Your support was invaluable.
To all my family and friends turned supporters, too many to name and too important not to be mentioned, every word of encouragement helped another page get written.
Finally, to my amazing husband Fahad – thank you for making all my dreams come true.
About Karen Osman
Originally from the UK, KAREN OSMAN won the Emirates Airline Festival of Literature Montegrappa Novel Writing Award 2016 with her crime-thriller novel and now has a three-book deal with Head of Zeus. When she’s not writing novels, Karen is busy bringing up her two young children and running her communication business Travel Ink.
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Addictive Fiction
First published in the UK in 2017 by Aria, an imprint of Head of Zeus Ltd
Copyright © Karen Osman, 2017
The moral right of Karen Osman to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any fo
rm or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. All characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN (E) 9781786699015
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