Confidence Hacks

by Barrie Davenport

  35. Stop extraneous movements.

  When you speak, do you click your pen, adjust your glasses, or make nervous hand gestures? Whether you're talking in a personal conversation or making a speech, these nervous movements are distracting and reveal any discomfort you're feeling. Appropriate, well-timed hand gestures when you speak can make you look and feel more confident, but often people have no idea what to do with their hands when they speak. They resort to crossing their arms, playing with a prop, or repeating the same hand gestures over and over.

  Action Steps:Start to notice what you do with your hands when you're speaking to others. Just this awareness will help you eliminate distracting gestures. If you don't know what to do with your hands, create a neutral position by bending your elbows, with your hands slightly above your elbows and fingertips touching or clasped loosely in a hand clapping position. Take a look at this video on using hand appropriate hand gestures.

  36. Speak authentically.

  In personal or professional settings, you can't feel confident if your words aren't reflecting who you really are. If you're posturing, pretending to be someone you aren't, or using unnecessary jargon or language that's too formal (or informal) for the setting, then others will view you as inauthentic and unapproachable. The most confident people feel free to be themselves, to allow their personalities and even their emotions to shine through in their speech within the context of the setting. A person who is real and authentic is naturally attractive, more believable, and sets others at ease.

  Action Steps: The next time you speak in a group or one-on-one setting, remind yourself to be yourself and reveal your natural qualities. Resist the temptation to converse the way you think you "should" speak or to try to impress with pretense. Let go of trying to be perfect. Take a deep breath, relax, and speak conversationally, as you would with a friend. Natural authenticity is your goal.

  37. Use humor.

  Humor is a great way to diffuse tension and anxiety for yourself and those around you. It's hard to be funny when you aren't feeling confident, but all of us have been in funny situations or seen something amusing in a video, movie, or on TV. Sharing these stories or drawing out your listeners to share something funny themselves is a great way to lighten the conversation and connect the group. With practice, you can find ways to add levity into your conversations by tapping into your own natural sense of humor.

  Action Steps: Think about a recent humorous event or situation you experienced or heard about. Practice verbalizing the story in front of the mirror or share it with one or two people you feel comfortable around. Have a couple of funny stories in your mind and ready for the next time you're in a group. Just be sure the story is appropriate for the listeners!

  38. Pay attention to nonverbal cues.

  The people who listen as you speak provide great feedback on your confidence and communication skills through their own body language. Do they look like they're attentively listening and making eye contact, or are they distracted and disengaged? Are they smiling, or do they look annoyed? Are they leaning in or trying to back away? Do they seem confused, angry, or frustrated, or do you sense they appreciate and understand your message? You can use these nonverbal cues to adjust your message, delivery, and style when speaking in order to improve your communication in the future.

  Action Steps: Pay careful attention to the nonverbal cues others provide when you communicate with them. Watch out for any patterns you see consistently and begin to adjust your speaking skills accordingly. If you can accept constructive comments, ask listeners who are giving negative cues how you can improve your speaking style and message. This will help you to see more positive reactions from others which will give you a huge booster shot of confidence.

  39. Practice breathing.

  In nearly any situation, mindful diaphragmatic breathing can help calm you and restore energy. Also, abdominal breathing fills the lower lobes of the lungs, and it massages the abdominal organs by the movements of the diaphragm. When you feel anxiety about communicating, conscious breathing can be the refreshing pause that allows you to regain your confidence and poise and calm your nerves.

  Action Steps: Become aware of your own breathing style. Is it shallow breathing from the chest or deep breathing through the abdomen? Learn the techniques of proper breathing outlined in this article, and practice these techniques before any gathering, presentation, or speech or whenever you feel nervous or lacking in confidence.

  40. Know what you're talking about.

  As mentioned earlier, solid preparation is key to feeling confident, especially in communication. Whether you're having a discussion with a friend about politics or making a presentation, you'll feel much more self-assured if you know your facts and have thoroughly prepared. You need to make a worthwhile contribution to a conversation in order to appear (and feel) credible and on top of your game. If you have to communicate something difficult or complicated, be sure you're able to break it down so your listener(s) can understand your message. It's not just a matter of knowing your facts, but also learning how to present them.

  Action Steps: Do you have an upcoming conversation or meeting in which you must share information or ideas? How can you thoroughly prepare by mastering the necessary material, as well as adapting your message to the audience? What topics interest you that you might share in conversation? Read and research more about these topics so you feel knowledgeable and confident.

  Appearance

  "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched—

  they must be felt with the heart."

  ~ Helen Keller

  One of the main sources of low confidence for nearly everyone relates to appearance. Research has shown women have dozens (sometimes hundreds) of negative thoughts about their bodies and faces in the course of a week. It's no wonder the problem is pervasive, since the current media ideal for women's appearance is achievable by less than two percent of the female population.

  Men have similar anxiety about their appearance and resort to compulsive exercise, strict diets, laxatives, and even making themselves sick in order to lose weight or achieve a more toned body. Men often combat their body image issues by overtraining or even indulging in steroid use. A recent TODAY/AOL body image survey found that men worry about their appearance more than they worry about their health, their family, their relationships or professional success.

  Although most of the population is average looking compared to the media's standards, everyone still obsesses about obtaining that ideal. Ironically, both men and women find the quality confidence one of the most attractive in the opposite sex. But how can you have this attractive self-confidence if you don't like how you look?

  The key to confidence in your appearance is self-acceptance. Acceptance of yourself as you really are – flaws and all – creates a solid psychological platform upon which to develop a positive self image and confidence in the person you are, beyond how you look. Self-acceptance also liberates you from constant worry, comparisons, and negative self-talk.

  41. Pay attention to self-talk.

  In a Glamour magazine survey on body image, respondents shared their daily thoughts related to looking at their bodies. Some of the self-talk went like this: "You are a fat, worthless pig." "You're too thin. No man is ever going to want you." "Ugly. Big. Gross." The words we say to ourselves create our feelings, and our feelings cement our beliefs. If you constantly berate your appearance and see it as an impediment to your happiness, you will always feel uncomfortable and lacking. The first step toward confidence in your appearance is to cease saying negative words to yourself.

  Action Steps:For one day, carry a small notebook or use your phone to track how many times you have a negative thought or anxiety about your appearance. Once you notice how often you have negative self-talk, create a positive statement to replace the negative thoughts when they arise. For example, you could say, "I completely accept myself and my appearance just as I am." Even
if it doesn't feel true at first, continue to bump out negative thoughts with a new positive thought.

  42. Focus on your best.

  If you follow the same action mentioned in step 41, but instead made note of all the times you have positive self-talk about your appearance, you'd have a nearly empty notebook. We tend to focus on our flaws and bypass our positive qualities. Some people are genetically predisposed to focus on the negative, but when it comes to our appearance, most of us see our flaws more than our best features. What if you let your flaws fade to the background and allowed those attractive features to move to the forefront of your attention? Focusing on your best is a conscious choice to improve your confidence.

  Action Steps: Make a list of everything you like about your appearance—the texture of your hair, your eyes, how you dress, your strong biceps. Ask a close friend or family member what they think your best features are. Write these down and post the list where you usually look in the mirror. Mentally give more power and vibrancy to your best features and visualize them shining out for everyone to see.

  43. Improve what you can.

  Self-acceptance doesn't mean you shouldn't make positive change when you can, especially if it improves your confidence and self-esteem. Dressing well, wearing make-up properly, and getting an updated haircut will make you more self-assured and reflect to others that you feel good about yourself. If there's something glaring about your appearance that can be easily and affordably managed (a bad scar, problems with your teeth, acne, too much weight, etc.), then by all means take care of it.

  Action Steps: Is there anything about your appearance you don't like that can be changed without danger to your health or too much expense? How would it make you feel to change this area of your appearance? What are the first steps in making it happen? Take action this week to begin the process.

  44. Remember hygiene and grooming.

  Sometimes we feel so bad about ourselves that we stop trying. We believe we're unattractive, overweight, or too flawed to bother with looking our best. When you give up on basic hygiene and grooming, it could be a sign you're not just lacking confidence—your self-esteem is at stake. You might even be sinking into depression. Even if that's not the case, taking care of yourself by keeping your hair clean, your nails trimmed or manicured, your face shaved (if you shave), and your clothes neat and unwrinkled, will give you an immediate boost of self-respect.

  Action Steps: Have you stopped taking care of some of your basic hygiene and grooming? Why have you stopped? Are you feeling bad about yourself and depressed, or do you just feel like it's not so important anymore? If you're feeling depressed for more than two weeks, don't wait to see your doctor, as depression is a serious illness. Otherwise, recommit yourself to looking your best every day. What changes can you make with your hygiene and grooming starting today?

  45. Dress well.

  Styles change by the minute, and what's considered acceptable in one situation might be completely inappropriate in another. The first step in dressing well for any occasion is choosing clothes appropriate for your body type. If you're short or petite, keep things simple and streamlined without too much fuss or fabric that swamps you. If you're overweight, wear darker colors and smaller patterns. What you should wear for a wedding, dinner party, or date could be entirely different than your attire for a business meeting, a casual movie, or a day with friends.

  Action Steps: If you're not comfortable deciding on the appropriate clothes for your body or the occasion, do some research online about both. Here's a great article for men on body type and fashion, and an article for men on dressing for the occasion. Here is a body type article for women, and an article for women on dressing for the occasion. What do you need to change about your wardrobe to compliment your body and match your lifestyle?

  46. Use the mirror technique.

  When you deny reality or refuse to accept certain aspects of your appearance, then you create a mental block hindering your self-development and growth. You don't have to force yourself to "like" the things about yourself you don't like. The goal is to avoid giving more power to low confidence by denying or harshly judging reality. The mirror technique is effective in helping foster self-acceptance related to your physical appearance and learning to love yourself completely for who and what you are regardless of your flaws.

  Action Steps: Stand before a full-length mirror, completely naked, without the use of any complimentary lighting, makeup, etc. As you gaze over your face and body, make note of your feelings and thoughts. You'll find some aspects of your face and body are harder to look at than others. These aspects have acquired such negative power in your mind that they might impact self-esteem and confidence. Take a deep breath and try to focus on the parts of you that cause you pain. Make a conscious effort to overcome the urge to look away. As you focus on these parts, look in the mirror and repeat out loud, "I completely accept and love myself as I am, whatever my imperfections may be." Repeat the statement with meaning and conviction about ten times. It will be hard at first, but with practice you'll become more relaxed, accepting, and comfortable in your own skin.

  47. Maintain healthy weight.

  Maintaining a healthy weight for your height definitely makes you feel better about your appearance. You fit better into your clothes and feel less self-conscious about your body in general. There are many health benefits to maintaining a healthy weight. Aside from having more energy, having a healthy weight motivates you to work out more, according to recent studies published in The International Journal of Obesity. A healthy weight also improves heart health, decreases the risk of breast cancer and diabetes, leads to better sleep, and increases longevity.

  Action Steps: Learn what your ideal weight should be based on your height and body frame. You can use the calculator here to help you find your ideal weight. How many pounds overweight (or underweight) are you based on your ideal weight? If you need to lose weight, a healthy amount to lose is about one or two pounds a week. There are 3500 calories in one pound, so you need to either expend or cut out (or a combination of both) 500 calories a day to lose a pound a week. How you can cut back on daily calories and increase movement or exercise every day? Here's a list of 25 ways to cut 250 calories to help you. If you're underweight, you need to add calories to your diet—but don't skip some amount of daily exercise, as it has so many other health benefits.

  48. Exercise.

  I can't underestimate the power of exercise for improving your confidence. Exercise boosts endorphins, the chemicals that make your feel happy and euphoric. It reduces stress and anxiety, lifts depression, boosts brainpower and memory, combats a variety of health conditions and diseases, controls weight, improves your sex life, and promotes better sleep. According to a University of Florida study, people with a poor self-perception boosted their confidence simply by committing to a regular exercise program.

  Action Steps: If you aren't exercising at all or just exercising sporadically, you need to make a mental commitment to daily exercise as part of your life—no excuses. It is so important to your confidence and health, it simply cannot be ignored. If you start small and build slowly, you can create an exercise habit that is fun and injury free. Check with your doctor to confirm your fitness level if necessary, and choose an activity you enjoy and that supports your fitness goals (losing weight, building strength, etc.). Determine the optimal amount of time you want to exercise and the best time of day. Begin with just five minutes a day the first week, and perform your exercise immediately after a trigger (an established habit like brushing teeth or looking at email). Build up your time slowly so you allow the activity to form as a habit. You can read more about creating habits in this post.

  49. Get perspective.

  One of the most destructive things we can do to our confidence is compare ourselves to others. We measure ourselves against those who are more attractive and fit, who dress better, who have more hair, and who are younger. We also look at models and actors and wonder why we f
all so short of their physical perfection. However, the people we measure ourselves against don't reflect the vast majority of people in the world. Most people are quite average in their appearance and body type. Highly beautiful people represent less than two percent of the population. When you have perspective on the reality of "normal" appearance, you feel more confident you aren't the exception. You are better able to accept yourself and those things about your face and body you don't like.

  Action Steps: The next time you are out in a crowd of people, begin to notice the appearance of the people around you. Count the number of exceptionally attractive people. Do this in a variety of settings over time. Unless you work for modeling agency or a Hollywood production company, you'll see how few people meet societal standards of beauty. Remind yourself of this every time you find yourself demeaning your physical flaws or feeling self-conscious about your appearance.

  50. Avoid media.

  The media is a propaganda machine when it comes to our perceptions of attractiveness. Newscasters are stylishly coiffed with perfectly symmetrical features and shiny white teeth. Magazine covers are adorned with stick thin models who've been airbrushed to perfection. Advertisements celebrate extremely young people with flawless skin and glossy hair, wearing elegant clothes and looking bored. Rarely does the media portray anything "real"—unless it's a tabloid trying to catch a movie star without make-up or with a few extra pounds.