With Baby in Mind

by Arlene James

  Parker turned a corner and stepped down into the large room. The only lights were those hanging low over the pool tables, the one behind the bar and those that emanated from the video games. The place wasn’t particularly busy tonight, but Edward was at the bar tossing back peanuts and nursing a beer. He didn’t look around until Cathy slapped down her bar towel and called out a greeting to Parker.

  “Hey, handsome! Long time no see.”

  “Hi, Cath.” He dumped his coat and scarf on the bar and straddled the stool next to Edward, leaning forward to accept Cathy’s kiss on his cheek.

  “Well, if it isn’t the happy husband,” Edward quipped dryly. “Stepping out already, I see.”

  Parker ran his hands through his hair. “Shut up, Ed.”

  Cathy popped her gum and cocked her pretty head. “Hey, d’you really get married like they say?”

  Parker made an attempt to smile. “I really got married.”

  “God, I wouldn’t have believed it!” she gushed, then brought her hand to her hip. “What can I getcha?”

  “Bourbon—make it a double. Oh, and Patrick wants to see you.”

  “No prob. So how’s married life?” she asked, pouring the drink.

  Parker accepted the drink, swallowed a mouthful, grimaced and said, “Tricky.”

  “Seems like it would be,” she allowed. “Heard you got a kid, too.”

  “Uh-huh. Sweetest little girl you ever saw. She’s got a face that’s all eyes and pink mouth, dark hair and a temper like a volcano. I predict she’ll be running the world by the time she’s two.”

  Cathy giggled. “Aw, that’s sweet. Bet she’s a beauty.”

  “She is that.”

  “Bet her mom is, too.”

  Parker opened his mouth to explain, thought better of it and said simply, “Yes.”

  Edward made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat and jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “Hadn’t you better see what Patrick wants, Cathy?”

  “Oh, yeah. No prob. Be back in a minute. Have some more peanuts.”

  “Thanks.” He tossed peanuts into his mouth and waited, chewing, while Parker swallowed more bourbon. “So, you going to tell me why you’re here, or shall I guess?”

  Parker sighed and rubbed his temples with the thumb and forefinger of one hand. “She’s going to leave me, Ed.”

  Edward snorted. “I thought that was the idea.”

  “It was, for maybe ten minutes.”

  Edward moved his beer glass in circles on the polished bar surface. “So it has really happened. The great Sugarman is in love.”

  “I don’t know who ‘the great Sugarman’ is anymore,” Parker said. “All I know is that I am very much in love with his wife and I don’t want to lose her.”

  “Have you told her so?”

  Parker shook his head, drained his glass and set it down again, aware that Edward was staring at him.

  Ed swiveled sideways, never taking his eyes off Parker. “You’re scared,” he said, clearly shocked.

  Parker braced his elbows against the edge of the bar and put his head in his hands. “I’m not scared, Ed. I’m terrified.”

  Ed turned back to the bar and lifted his glass, saying nothing for a long time. Finally he asked, “She really sleeping with you?”

  Parker nodded. “Yeah.” It was just a whisper. “And you know something, Ed? It isn’t enough.” He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. “For the first time in my miserable life, it just isn’t enough.”

  Edward bounced a knee in agitation and turned his head away. Parker knew he was struggling to control his temper. “Look,” he said, “I’d take this to someone else if there was someone else to take it to, but...”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know,” Ed retorted. “You’ve about run out of friends and family.”

  Parker closed his eyes and took the jab. It was, after all, only too true. After a long while, he reached for his scarf and draped it around his neck. Ed grimaced and told him what he wanted to hear.

  “I don’t care what she said. She wouldn’t be sleeping with you if she wasn’t in love with you.”

  “You don’t know what I’d give just to believe that, let alone to make it true.”

  “I know her,” Ed said. “She’s not the kind who can separate sex from love. I tell you something, I wasn’t even sure love would do it. She told me once that sex was the least important part of marriage, and she used her own parents’ marriage as an example.”

  Parker’s head snapped around, brows drawn together. “She said that? I mean, did she actually say that sex was the least important part of her parents’ marriage?”

  Edward shrugged. “Pretty much. I even mentioned it to her father in a roundabout way once.”

  “And what did Dan say?”

  Ed pushed out a heavy breath. “He said that he had protected both Kendra and her mother from certain realities, that he regretted it, and that...well, hell. He said that Kendra needed a man who understood but wouldn’t let her off the hook. Huh.” He thoughtfully brushed his mustache with his fingertips. “I thought at the time that he meant I should just hang in there and not give up, but maybe...”

  Parker picked up where Ed left off. “Maybe he meant that Kendra needs a man who won’t let her set the priorities,” he said, a note of optimism in his voice for the first time that evening, “and maybe I need to have a talk with my father-in-law.”

  Edward canted his head. “I played the understanding gentleman and did myself right out of an engagement, didn’t I?”

  Parker clapped him on the shoulder. “I hope so,” he said, “because God knows I’ve played the son of a bitch all my life, and now it’s the only thing I can see that I might have going for me.”

  Edward shook his head. “Isn’t that a hell of a thing.”

  “Just the opposite,” Parker said quietly. “If it works out, it’ll be the most heavenly thing ever to come my way.”

  Edward actually chuckled. “Talk about a lucky son of a bitch.”

  Parker managed a smile. “That remains to be seen. I could lose everything, Ed—Kendra and Darla, too.”

  Ed combed his mustache again. “Aw, she’ll stay with you until the custody case is settled anyway.”

  “Yeah, but then what? And what if the court doesn’t see it my way where Darla’s concerned?”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Edward said confidently. “Kate will do a good job for you.”

  “Kendra doesn’t think so.”

  “Kendra always did underestimate Kate.”

  “Kendra doesn’t like Kate, that’s true,” Parker said. “She’d rather have you representing us.”

  Edward met his gaze flatly. “You’re better off with Kate. I know too much, Parker.”

  “I’ve put you in an awkward position right from the beginning, haven’t I, Ed?”

  “It was my dumb idea.” He snorted. “It sounded so simple at first. Just get married. Maybe you won’t like it, but hell, who stays married anymore? I thought you’d dupe one of those bimbos you decorated the place with. I didn’t expect you to get into collusion with the one decent woman either one of us has really ever known.”

  “If it’s any comfort to you,” Parker said, “I regret the way I did it. I’m not sorry I married her. I’m just sorry I didn’t have sense enough to do it right, and now if I can’t make it right, I’m going to pay a hell of a price. I already have in some ways.”

  “Maybe so,” Edward said, “but you’ve still got a shot at it, and that’s more than the rest of us can say.”

  Parker looked down at his hands, picking his words. “I’m sorry, Ed,” he said. “I didn’t understand how it felt to love someone. I never dreamed... Well, I just had no idea what you must have been feeling. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have—”

  “Shut up, Parker,” Ed said, lifting his glass, “and go home to your wife.”

  Good advice. Parker decided he’d better take it. He backed off the stool and picked up his coat, slung it on and b
uttoned it up. He turned away, then turned back again.

  “Ed, I just wanted to say thanks. I mean it. Thanks for everything. You’ve been a good friend. I want to be a good friend, too, but first I think I have to figure out how to be a good husband. Then...maybe...”

  Ed slid him a glance over his shoulder. “Get out of here,” he said, but there was a smile in his eyes, a welcome smile that warmed Parker as the coat could not.

  “I’ll see you around.”

  “Yeah. See you around.” Ed turned back to his drink, his gaze going to the television high in the corner.

  Parker smiled and left him. Friends and family. Why hadn’t he ever known before what hell life could be without them? Why hadn’t he been better at either one? Just give me a chance, he prayed silently. Just one more chance.

  He wound his way through the tables in the outer room again, spying Cathy at the small bar with Patrick. “Thanks, Pat.”

  “Anytime. Hey, bring the wife in. We’ll buy her a drink.”

  Parker grinned. “She’s too good for this place, man.”

  Patrick pretended insult. “Huh! She’s too good for you, then.”

  “No doubt about it,” Parker agreed. The barkeep waved him off with a laugh, and he pushed through the glass door to the small foyer that fronted the street. “But I’m working on it,” he added softly. “I’m working on it.” And God willing, he’d be worthy of her one day. God willing.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Kendra.”

  Dan kissed her cheek and swept past her, unusually brusque. Kendra felt a tingle of alarm, a prickling of skin on the nape of her neck.

  “It’s awfully early for a visit.” Her hand went to her wet hair. “I’m still getting ready for work.”

  “We need to talk,” he said, his gaze elsewhere.

  She followed his line of sight and saw Parker standing on the dining room steps. He leaned a shoulder draped with a dishcloth against the decorative column flanking the entrance and folded his arms. Recalling their last argument, she knew instinctively that he had had something to do with this, and she knew what it was about: Kate. Anger flared up in her. What right did they have, either of them, to tell her who to like and who not to like? And what made Kate Ridley so wonderful, anyway? She was a tall, blond, aggressive female who’d spent her life cultivating a law practice instead of a family of her own. Kendra knew with righteous certainty that Kate Ridley’s interest in her father was purely sexual, not really love at all. The same, the hateful thought occurred, as Parker’s interest in you. But there’s Darla, too! her heart cried. Oh, yes, he needed her to secure his hold on Darla, but that wasn’t any closer to real love than sex for Parker. She glared that silent accusation at him but felt no satisfaction at all when he shifted his eyes away guiltily. Angry all over again, she jerked away her gaze and pointed it at her father.

  Dan had slipped off his coat and was in the process of draping it over the back of the couch. He halted suddenly, his hand filled with corduroy coat collar, and flashed another look at Parker before carefully completing the motion. He turned fully to Kendra, his hands smoothing the bottom of the dark green V-neck sweater he wore over a white T-shirt. “Let’s sit down for a few minutes. This is important.”

  Her first impulse was to tell him that it would have to wait, but she knew that would only delay the conversation, not eliminate it. Grudgingly, she wrapped her quilted robe tighter about her and dropped into a chair. “I don’t have much time.”

  “Yes, I know,” her father said, sinking down onto the sofa next to his coat, “but I’ve been thinking about this a long time, and I want to get it off my chest.”

  “Sounds ominous,” she quipped, crossing her legs.

  “No, no, not that,” Dan said. “It’s just that I should have done it long ago, even before your mother died. Afterward, there didn’t seem any reason to rehash it all. I guess I just wanted it left between her and me. Then Kate...”

  “Then Kate,” Kendra echoed cryptically.

  Dan wove his fingers together and let them fall to his lap. “Why don’t you like her?” he asked.

  Why didn’t she like her? She shrugged, pretending that it didn’t matter. “She’s...cold.”

  Dan’s eyebrows rose. “Cold? Funny, I’d have said she was, well, hot.”

  Hot. Kendra came to her feet, suddenly agitated. “I guess we just see her differently.”

  “Let me tell you just how I see her, then,” he said. “She’s smart. She’s successful. She’s beautiful. She’s passionate, about everything and everyone she values. She’s tough. She’ll fight fiercely for anything she believes in, and she believes in me. I don’t know why, but she loves me. She loves me like I never expected to be loved...as I haven’t expected to be loved since I married your mother.”

  Kendra cut him a sharp glance. “Are you implying my mother didn’t love you?”

  He leaned forward and braced his elbows on his knees, his movements almost painfully slow. “Your mother loved me as well as she was able to, Kendra. I always knew that. It was one of the reasons I stayed.”

  Stayed? She advanced a step toward him, her heart pounding with the weight of a terrible truth so long suspected, so long denied. “You’re telling me that you wanted to leave her?” she asked in a small voice.

  He tilted his head back, fixing her with sad eyes. “I wanted to live with her as husbands and wives ought to live together,” he said. “I think you know what I’m talking about, Kendra. Maybe when you were small you thought it was normal that we didn’t share a bedroom together. By now you ought to know better.”

  She thought of Parker standing behind her on the steps and deeply resented that he was hearing this. Of course she had known her parents’ marriage was not like that of her friends’ parents, but they had seemed happy. They hadn’t fought. They hadn’t divorced. They had, in fact, been unfailingly polite to one another. Too polite, came the thought. She tried to push it away, but experience was suddenly lending it credence. Two people couldn’t live together without occasionally rubbing each other the wrong way. Look at her and Parker. Look at... No, they weren’t like her parents. None of the people she knew were like her parents. Desperately, she fought to right her thoughts.

  “M-Mother was a light sleeper. You...you used to snore.” He was shaking his head. “S-someone had to stay by me when I was small! Someone...”

  “No, Kendra.”

  “It got to be a habit. Mother told me once. She couldn’t...” He got up and came toward her. Kendra watched him come closer and closer. “She couldn’t... Mother couldn’t get used to sleeping with someone...else.”

  He put his hands upon her shoulders, looked down into her face, solemn, sad. So sad. “She didn’t want me, Kendra. She never wanted me. After she got pregnant with you, she said there was no reason, no need, for me to bother her ever again.”

  Kendra’s eyes filled with tears. She saw his anguish, saw his grief. But she couldn’t have said that to him, not her sweet, kind, soft-spoken mother, not to him. And yet... She closed her eyes.

  “I know that she loved you.”

  “Yes. In her way. But not that way, and it wasn’t enough, Kendra. I want you to understand that it just wasn’t enough.”

  She looked up at him in confusion. “But you stayed.”

  He sighed and nodded. “I thought at first that she would change her mind. Then later I hoped counseling...” He smiled lamely. “Then there was you. She was a good mother. I couldn’t take you away from her. I couldn’t give you up. She was a good wife in every other way.”

  “Oh, Daddy,” she said. “It didn’t matter then, did it? It stopped being important to you.”

  “No,” he said. “It never stopped being important to me, Kendra. It doesn’t work like that. I gave up, yes. I resigned myself to living without...real love. But it never stopped being important to me.” He dropped his hands, sliding them down her arms. “Then...then she died, and I looked in the mirror and I saw an old man whose lif
e had passed him by while he’d waited and he’d hoped and finally given up.” He stepped back, hands moving to his hip pockets as if looking for something. “You were grown, off at college. There was the business, a few friends. I got a dog. You remember that old cur I adopted?”

  Kendra smiled, blinking back tears. “That crazy old thing? He was scared of his own shadow, that dog. Couldn’t even pet him.”

  “Useless,” he said. “Stupid. He ran right out in front of that car. Didn’t have the heart to get another after that.” He looked at her. “Do you know what it’s like to be alone, sugar, so alone that even a dumb old scaredy-cat dog is company?”

  “Oh, Daddy,” she whispered, stepping up to put her arms around him. She laid her cheek against his shoulder.

  “I know,” he said, stroking her shoulder blades. “But you had your own life to live.”

  “Daddy, I’m sorry.”

  “Not your fault. It was just over, that’s all. My life was over, Kendra.” He pushed a hand under her chin and lifted it, tilting her head back. “Then I met Kate, and Kate changed everything.”