by Addison Cole
Rob wrote something on the pad again and handed it back to Dane.
You couldn’t have stopped me.
“I’m still younger than you. I could have stopped you,” Dane said, but he knew that he couldn’t have stopped Rob any more than Rob would have been able to stop him if the tables were turned. “None of it matters. I’m just glad you pulled through. I’ve got you covered. Anything you need. You know I’m here.”
Rob nodded.
“Sheila,” Dane began, but words evaded him.
She came around the bed and embraced him. “You had a good run,” she whispered.
Their last dive together would haunt Dane forever. It was the defining moment that shaped his decision to move on alone.
“I backed out of this assignment and the next one. Now that Rob’s doing better, I’m going to sail Treat’s boat back to Wellfleet; then I’m taking off for a bit,” Dane explained.
“Where will you go?” Sheila asked.
Dane shrugged. He’d sent Lacy away so he could continue his career without the possibility of her getting hurt, but knowing she was no longer a part of his life crushed his passion to continue and hindered his ability to function. “Florida to start, to get my boat. After that, I’m not sure.”
Rob pulled his sleeve and pointed to the notebook. Dane handed it to him and Rob wrote, Lacy?
Dane ran his hand over his face, gathering the strength to say aloud the painful truth. He couldn’t do it. Instead, he shook his head.
Rob wrote, Because of me?
“No, Rob. It’s because of me.” It’s my career choice. My risk. My selfish need to do what I want to do and my desire to protect her from getting hurt, no matter how much it hurts me.
Chapter Thirty-Two
BACK AT WORLD Geographic, Lacy moved through her days like an automaton. Fred advised her of the hold that Dane had put on their assignment, and Lacy explained that if he requested that she run the program in the future, she respectfully declined. She kept in touch with Sheila and learned that Rob would be going home in a few days. The kids were elated, and Sheila was beyond thrilled, although worried about what Rob’s career change might mean for the family. She didn’t want him going back on the boat, but she knew he would never be happy working a typical land-based job. Lacy hadn’t thought about Rob’s love of the sea, much like she hadn’t thought about Dane’s love of his job in that way. Hearing Sheila talk about the sea as if it were Rob’s lover made Lacy realize why Dane could never give up his chosen career. If the sea was Rob’s lover, it was Dane’s lifeblood.
She’d had a lot of time to think in the week since the accident, and once the ache of Rob’s scare eased, the loss of Dane took over. She’d thrown herself back into work, and even now, as she tried to form a strategic plan for one client and a marketing concept for another, her mind waded back through that thick fog of pain to the memories of her and Dane together.
Dane hadn’t called her and she hadn’t reached out to him, although every night before bed she’d turned on Skype and set her cell phone by her bed, just in case. She longed to hear his voice, but each time she thought about calling him, she remembered Sheila standing at Rob’s bedside, not knowing if he’d live or die. That was enough to keep her from punching in his speed dial number.
“Can I see you for a minute, Lacy?” Fred asked from her office doorway.
“Sure, of course. Come in.”
Fred closed the door behind him and sat across from her desk.
“Lacy, were you there when Rob had his accident?” Fred asked.
“No. I wasn’t on the boat with them, if that’s what you’re asking,” she said.
He nodded. “And did you get really close to him while you were there?”
Lacy narrowed her eyes. “Rob? Not really close, but we became friends. We had dinner together. I spent time with his wife and children. Actually, yes, I guess I would say we were close.”
“Do you need some time off? I know you said you didn’t want any time off originally, but I’ve noticed your work hasn’t been up to your usual high standard.”
Lacy saw the worry in Fred’s serious gaze and the way he leaned forward when he brought up her quality of work, like he was saying something even he didn’t want to hear.
Yes. I’d like a lifetime off. I want to disappear and never have to think again. Or feel. Or be. “I’m sorry, Fred. I know my work hasn’t been up to par, and I promise to do better, but I don’t want time off. I need to keep my mind occupied.”
“I’m worried about you, Lacy. Are you sure you don’t want to go visit your sisters, or spend some time just relaxing? Tasha can handle covering for a few days,” Fred said.
Before going to Chatham, the idea of Tasha covering for her just to take time off would have knocked her from her seat. Now, sitting with Fred and begging him to let her do a subpar job to keep her mind off of Dane seemed ridiculous. Maybe she should take time off. Heaven knows that every time she walked by Fred’s office, she remembered finding Dane there. Maybe she should go visit Kaylie and the kids and immerse herself in them for a while. Or maybe she should take off work and stay home and wallow in her loneliness. Either way, having Fred look at her with pity wasn’t the answer, even if it meant Tasha earning the promotion she had wanted so badly. I don’t care anymore. The truth of her thought startled her.
She needed to clear the chaos from her mind. She glanced at the clock. “I really appreciate your concern, Fred. I’ll think about it while I’m at lunch. Can we talk later this afternoon?” Lacy promised herself she wouldn’t dwell on Dane while she was at lunch. She’d get a cold Diet Pepsi, a People magazine, and sit at the café down the street and just veg for a while.
“EVERYTHING SUCKS. THAT’s just the way my life is right now.” Lacy held the cell between her shoulder and ear as she pulled out of the office parking lot.
“I know it feels that way, Lace, but you’re really very blessed when you look at the bigger picture,” Danica said.
“Oh, I know. I have a great family, a good job that I might have just jeopardized, and I’ve got a nice place to live. I think I’m just tired and stressed. I’m going to grab a rag mag and chill for an hour. And I’m not going to think about Dane. Uh oh…hold on.” Lacy slammed on her brakes and dropped the phone in her lap. “Jerk,” she yelled at the car that cut her off. She looked down for a split second to retrieve her phone and stepped on the gas to cross the intersection. Lacy never saw the Honda Civic coming her way, and she never heard Danica’s scream coming through the phone when the sound of metal against metal sent her car spinning and her phone flying through the air.
Chapter Thirty-Three
IT WAS A typical New England evening. Dane sat on the deck of Treat’s bungalow, having decided not to return to Florida after all. He wanted to be able to visit Rob as he recovered and be there for Sheila. They were both doing much better. Rob was getting stronger by the day, and without the ventilator, he was able to speak freely, even if a tad gravelly. He and Sheila were looking forward to returning to their home in Florida, and they were grateful for Dane’s generosity, as he covered Sheila’s hotel stay and any medical bills that insurance didn’t cover. He’d offered Rob a job with Brave on the boat or in the office—the choice was up to him—and for as much as his friend’s life was coming together, Dane felt unglued within his own.
Every time he thought about going back to his boat, he thought of Lacy. He knew he’d see her in the cabin and feel her in bed beside him. He’d stayed in Treat’s cottage to avoid being in the cabin of that boat because the memories were too fresh, his emotions too raw. He’d done the right thing. At least he thought he had. Who was he to ask her to live a life surrounded by risk and worry when she’d so willingly been overcoming her own fears? He loved her too much to allow that. As he watched the sun set over the bay, he knew that another reason he’d stayed in Massachusetts was that the act of physically leaving would finalize their breakup. As silly as it seemed, somehow being in the same s
tate made him feel closer to her.
His cell phone rang. Dad. His family had been all over him for ignoring their calls after Rob’s accident, but in the end they’d all understood his need to be alone. He picked up the phone.
“Hi, Dad.”
“How are you doing, son?”
Hal’s voice wrapped itself around Dane.
Lonely. Sad. Feeling like taking a step on a boat might hurt too much. “Not bad. How about you?”
“Fairly well. I was down at the barn this afternoon with Hope. She’s doing well. Strong. Rex takes good care of her.”
When his mother had first become ill, his father had bought her Hope, a mare, and his father treated Hope as though Dane’s mother lived within her. Although that had always bothered Dane, he knew it brought his father comfort, and for that he was grateful.
“Good, Dad.”
“Dane, what are you doing out at Treat’s place? Why aren’t you back home?” his father asked.
“Home?” His father never pressured any of his children to visit, and his question brought a string of worry to Dane. “Is something wrong?”
“Home, Dane. Your home. On your boat.”
Dane sighed. “I’m headed that way, Dad. I just needed a little time to make sure Rob was okay.” And to make sure I was ready.
“All right. What have you been doing for the past week?”
“Uh, you know, going out on the boat.” The lie tasted like acid on his tongue. “Trying to get past Rob’s accident.”
“Treat’s boat?” his father asked.
Dane shook his head. He knew his father didn’t believe him. All it would take is one call from Treat to the resort to know that he hadn’t even sailed it back. He’d paid to have it returned.
“Dad.”
“Something you want to tell me, son?”
Dane pictured his father sitting in his favorite leather recliner wearing a flannel shirt and a pair of Levi’s, his face a mask of worry. “Not really,” Dane said.
“What’s your plan?” his father asked.
“I don’t know, Dad. I guess I’ll head back to Florida at some point and get back in the game. Right now I’m trying to remember what it all means,” Dane admitted.
“What it all means? Like what it means to save sharks?”
He knew his father’s inquisition could not be deterred. When Hal Braden set his sights on making a point, he made it. Dane wondered what today’s point would be and decided he’d better cut to the chase and fess up now if he wanted to get to the point of it.
“Life, Dad. Work, relationships, death. I’m trying to figure out the point of it all.” He closed his eyes and waited for his father’s wisdom to enlighten him. When his father didn’t answer, he said, “Dad?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“You asked me a question, and I answered. Don’t you have anything to say?”
“I was kind of waiting for you to tell me the answer. I never knew life, work, relationships, or death had a point,” his father said.
Dane kicked his feet up on the railing. “Good, then I’m not alone in this quandary.”
“Son, you’re never alone in anything. You know that. Your brothers and sister are worried sick about you. Max had to practically tie up Treat to keep him from chasing after you these last few days. He said you shouldn’t be alone, but your mother—” He took a deep breath. “I thought that you needed this time to think.”
Hearing his father stop himself from mentioning what his dead mother thought made Dane smile. He and his siblings were used to the messages their father received from beyond their mother’s grave. Dane didn’t know if he believed in his father’s supposed connection with his mother or not, but if she was what allowed him his privacy this past week, then he was thankful.
“Thanks, Dad. I think I need about a year, but since that’s not reasonable, I’ll take what I can get,” Dane said.
“Rob’s doing okay, I hear.”
Dane could always trust that Braden grapevine to ensure news traveled swiftly. He knew the information about Lacy wouldn’t be far behind.
“He is. He’s going home soon.”
“Glad to hear it. I’ve always liked Rob and Sheila,” he said. “And Lacy Snow?”
Dane stood and paced. He knew the question was coming, but it still hit him like a punch to the gut.
“She’s back at home. You know, work and all that.”
“Uh-huh. Son, did you ever figure out what your heart wanted?”
“Yeah, I did, Dad, but sometimes that’s not all that matters,” Dane said.
“Oh, no? I wish you had been around to tell me that when I was a teenager and fought to be able to date your mother. You could have saved me weeks of headache, and come to think of it, a black eye, too.”
Dane sat back down and leaned his elbows on his knees. “A black eye?”
“Sometimes love hurts, son. There’s no two ways around it. But it was worth every painful second, and I’d do it all over again if I could have her back in my arms,” his father said.
“I know you miss Mom.”
“Every minute of every day, but that’s because she was stolen from me. I’d never have sent her away. Like I said, I’d have done anything to be with her.”
Dane sat back again and looked out at the waves rolling in against the shore. His father knew what he had done. Thanks, Treat. He might as well face it head-on.
“I did the right thing, Dad, and I think that’s one reason I never allowed myself to get too close to anyone before. I never knew if I’d return after leaving. Think about it. Think about my job,” Dane said.
“You told me it’s safer than driving down the street and, son, if you tell me that, no matter how much bull I think it is, I’ll accept it as true, because you wouldn’t lie to your father.”
Dane closed his eyes again, trying to escape the truth and knowing he couldn’t. “Statistically, it is safer. But now…”
“Now you think otherwise?” his father asked.
“Now I see it from a different perspective. Seeing Rob’s family hanging on a ledge while he teetered between life and death, that’s perspective, Dad. I don’t ever want to be the cause of that kind of pain.”
“You’re a smart man, Dane, and I’ve been the one hanging on the ledge. Heck, I spent years hanging on the ledge,” his father began.
Mom.
“You know, if I could have loved someone else, maybe I would have. If I could have had some notice…You know that’s the thing that stinks the most. There’s no advance notice to stuff like what happened to your mom or to Rob. It just happens. If we could have had notice and avoided it, that would have been great. Then I could have…I don’t know…divorced her? Sheila could have run away from the pain of it? Right, son? Is that the answer?” Hal’s voice rose as he spoke.
“That’s not what I meant,” Dane said.
“That’s exactly what you meant. Why love someone if something might happen to you and you’ll be the cause of their pain?”
Do you always have to point out the obvious? “I made my decision.”
“I know you did. But is it one you can live with?” his father asked.
Dane didn’t answer.
“Dane, we all come with an expiration date. We just don’t know when our number’s gonna come up. But I can tell you this, and you can bet your butt it’s true. Loving your mother was the best darn thing that ever happened to me aside from you children. And maybe she’s even better than each of you, because without her, you wouldn’t be alive. And even though we had years of too many hospital stays and teetering on ledges, in those few years we had together, that woman filled my heart enough to hold me over for my whole life. Heck, she filled my heart until it overflowed. How do you think I found the strength to carry on and raise all of you nitwits?”
Dane smiled at the term. His father had called them that as kids when they did stupid things like trying to sled off of the barn roof. Tears pressed forth again. He was so lone
ly for Lacy, and so sad without her, he was beginning to get used to the brutal emotions that plagued him.
He mustered the courage to speak through the longing that ripped at his soul. “Remember when Mom died?” he asked.
“That’s a time I’ll never forget.” His father’s solemn voice coalesced with the memory of his mother’s passing and the first few weeks of getting used to a house where when he yelled, Mom, no one would answer.
“It hurt so bad.” Dane sobbed silently into the night, swiping at hot tears and wishing his father were there to wrap him in his strong arms, as he had so many years ago.
“I know, son,” his father said softly. “You needed time alone then, too. Do you remember running away?”
“Yes,” Dane whispered through his tears.
“That’s always been your way. Climb into your shell until you think it’s safe to come out. I’m sorry, Dane,” his father said. “You know your mother would want me to push you one way or the other, but I’m not going to do that.”
Dane ran his hand over his face, remembering the dream he’d had about his mother doing just that. Pushing him forward.
“I wish life were easier, and I wish love came with guarantees. But sometimes the only right answer is the one with the most risks. It’s the one that scares the stuffing out of you but won’t let you go.”
“I love her so much, Dad. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love Lacy. She’s always right there on my mind. I can feel her beside me when she’s not there, and I can hear her voice in the middle of the night. Dad, am I losing my mind?”
“No, you’re not losing your mind. You’re in love, and love does strange things to a man. I think you have your answer,” his father said.
“I feel like going home without her will kill me. I can’t even leave the state,” Dane admitted.
His father took a deep breath, and when he spoke, the strength had returned to his voice. “Luckily, the woman you love is still on this earth. You have a choice to make, son. Can your heart live without her?”
