by Rae Earl
6.03 p.m.
GENES not jeans. Actually I’d like her jeans too. She only has Levi’s. Her bum looks amazeballs in them.
6.11 p.m.
Gran says MGK is like a Venus flytrap. Men get sucked in by the sweetness and die. She’s a teenage-boy trap!
I’d like to be a carnivorous man-eating plant!
10.12 p.m.
BEST NIGHT EVER!
Nicky took me to the cinema. The attendant woman said it would be OK to sit in the disabled seats but if a really disabled person came in we would have to move. They didn’t. The film was OK but Nicky was GORGEOUS. He’s REALLY funny. He knows ALL the boys at the back who throw popcorn and he’s REALLY popular. At the end – I didn’t even expect it to happen – we had this really odd fantastic kiss. I had to partly prop him up because of his crutches. He leaned against a fire exit and we snogged. We had to be careful though as we were worried that the fire exit would accidentally open and Nicky would break his arms too.
10.57 p.m.
Could I go out with someone from the Paralympics? Yes. If I loved someone I would even pick their nose for them.
11.06 p.m.
I can’t get over how Nicky kisses.
He could be THE ONE! SERIOUSLY.
TUESDAY 13TH APRIL
5.39 p.m.
Weirdo Jen asked me all about the date. I told her he was actually really sweet. THEN she asked if Nicky had any scars. Simon has no scars and Jen likes them. She is dark that way. She said she was basically trying to find ways to like Nicky. I told her he actually made me HAPPY and THAT should be enough.
There was a massive pause and then she said she liked Nicky’s crutches as they are cyber-punk.
I am better at thinking about other people’s feelings than people are at thinking about mine! EVEN JEN!
Certainly better than Goose, who STILL hasn’t been in touch.
WEDNESDAY 14TH APRIL
7.12 p.m.
Nicky came round tonight. He couldn’t get upstairs on his crutches so we spent (TOO MUCH) time in the lounge with Mum asking ridiculous questions. I didn’t even warn or tell her about him earlier because I KNEW she would interrogate him anyway! Mum seemed to think he was OK but said, “Be careful, Hattie – he’s from a tough side of the tracks. That’s not his fault but it can make him a bit – unpredictable.”
I KNOW, Mum. I KNOW! THAT’S what makes him SO FIT!!!
8.45 p.m.
I want to go and tell Goose about Nicky.
We need to make up. I miss him and just because he doesn’t want to be lovers doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Telling him about Nicky will put him at his ease a bit and I don’t think he’ll feel … lust pressure. Though part of me still wants HIM TO BE AS JEALOUS AS HELL.
That is a bad part of me. But I need to go and sort it out. Men never say sorry. I’ll have to say it first. It’s not feminist but it’s life.
THURSDAY 15TH APRIL
7.53 p.m.
It was weird with Goose today. His mum looked really pleased to see me and said, “Just go up, Hattie.” But when I did we had this really weird conversation…
ME: Look, Goose – I’m really sorry. I said some horrid things. And you know I don’t really mean them.
GOOSE: Are you going out with Nicky Bainton?
ME: Well … yes … I suppose so. Yes.
GOOSE: Well, I could see THAT coming when I took you to the cinema. You know what – when someone takes you out you should actually speak to THEM, Hattie.
ME: You hardly say anything any more though unless it’s about your gecko or boot sales or… Look, I’m sorry. I just thought you and me…
GOOSE: Look. Let’s just forget about it.
ME: What, me and you?
GOOSE: What do you mean, “me and you”?
ME: I mean, me and you. You know the old Power Rangers team. Good friends. I know that … I know…
GOOSE: Oh.
ME: So me and you are OK?
GOOSE: Yes, me and you are fine.
ME: Oh, Goose, I’m so glad because I’ve actually really missed you.
GOOSE: I’ve missed you, Hattie.
But he didn’t seem very happy at me and him being friends again. I don’t get it. It’s like a tiny part of him might in a tiny way fancy me but there is a wall in his head that stops him thinking that we can. Or this might be nonsense. He just never does ANYTHING about it. He never COMMITS. Nicky is on crutches and that hasn’t stopped him snogging me.
Anyway we are friends again. I think.
I don’t know. Who knows? I could read every book about boys going and not be able to understand this one. I would fail my boy GCSE.
FRIDAY 16TH APRIL
7.21 p.m.
Nicky asked me this afternoon, “What’s going on with Goose?” I said, “Er… NOTHING!” Then Nicky said, “I want you to spend less time with him.” I shouted a bit, “No, Nicky! Goose has been my friend since I was basically zero years old! I’m actually a feminist. I see who I want!”
What’s that about?!
8.05 p.m.
Gran says, “Nicky is jealous, Hattie. Men are very territorial. They are like tomcats.”
I think I like jealousy when it’s over me.
SATURDAY 17TH APRIL
3.52 p.m.
Nicky can’t see me tonight. He’s busy. I get that. I’m an independent woman. I’ll do something else exciting.
5.09 p.m.
I’m going round to Gran’s to watch Britain’s Got Talent.
8.12 p.m.
Gran has a crush on David Walliams! She said, “He’s a lovely boy! All that swimming for charity – and he takes his mum everywhere!”
SUNDAY 18TH APRIL
5.19 p.m.
I’ve decided that me and Nicky are serious. Jen has MAX reluctantly given me the full MGK list of tips on how to treat a boyfriend. Basically back off and snog hard. You can try to change them but you have to do it gently – they don’t notice if you do it slowly. I don’t know if I can do that. It took Mum years to get Rob to put the toilet seat down. It’s better to get things sorted now!
MONDAY 19TH APRIL
7.13 p.m.
Nicky is SO mature. He plays poker. He says he’s a high-stake gambler. My gran wants him to come round for a game. How can Gran afford to gamble?! She says she’s too poor these days to eat fresh vegetables!
7.49 p.m.
Then again I have heard her say, “I’d rather live on Aldi baked beans than miss bingo.” Food means nothing to Gran when it comes to the regional full-house jackpot.
TUESDAY 20TH APRIL
8.23 p.m.
Gran is now actually taking jobs and money off young people! She won £5.36 tonight off Nicky at poker. She said he was too easy to read. She’s been giving him lessons in her poker face. She says he’s perfected it too quickly. She whispered at me, “Watch him, Hattie – he plays his cards close to his chest. Too Close!”
Anyway Gran has invited Nicky to Skegness on Sunday. I don’t think I want Nicky to see my family at the seaside. They turn even more mental than normal! My mum still thinks she can get on a donkey. She can’t.
8.55 p.m.
It’s a bit weird. Normally Goose comes with us to Skegness.
He used to.
That makes me sad.
Does it matter that Nicky holds his cards close to his chest? What does that mean?!
WEDNESDAY 21ST APRIL
5.23 p.m.
Gran didn’t mean literally. She meant he was a private person. Gran doesn’t understand people who don’t gossip. If she gets a juicy titbit she actually has a special list of people she rings.
5.45 p.m.
To be fair so do I!
6.04 p.m.
Perhaps slagging people off is genetic. I hope hairy nostrils aren’t. How do you wax the inside of your nose?!
8.42 p.m.
Tonight I told Nicky I loved him. I am fully in control of my feelings and can share them openly. It’s not pathetic. Nick
y didn’t answer back but I’m sure he will.
THURSDAY 22ND APRIL
5.24 p.m.
Today at work Gran told a trainee in the supermarket to wear a top that “didn’t show her lungs” (that means her breasts in Gran-speak) and she got away with it! She says a woman cannot be taken seriously when the entire shop is talking to her boobs. The trainee THANKED Gran for her careers advice! This is Gran, not Alan Sugar – her employment history includes sewing the elastic into knickers and packing Marmite into boxes. AND WHY CAN’T A WOMAN WEAR WHAT SHE WANTS?!
6.33 p.m.
Gran is now considering becoming a union representative. This means you get to shout at your boss and NOT get sacked! Nicky thinks this is really cool as authority needs to be challenged at every level. I’m just thinking, “Will she lose her discount card and have to pay full price for DVDs?”
Stuff the workers, as Gran calls them! I want everything with Robert Pattinson in for £7.
FRIDAY 23RD APRIL
5.52 p.m.
Dr Richards set the essay question “I love” today. He called it an exercise in self-discovery. Dimple said, “I bet MGK’s answer is one word – ME!” LOL!
Then Jen looked across and saw the first part of MGK’s answer!
I love my friends. They’ve got my back and I’ve got theirs. I love shopping and my fave label is Prada.
Superficial or what?!
Florence Morse – ultimate rebel – wrote:
I love the way teachers set these exercises thinking that we’ll tell them everything about us so they can control us via emotional blackmail and mind control. No. I cannot be enslaved by the modern tactics of mass education. I am a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.
I know she is always in trouble BUT she always sounds dead clever.
What do I love? I LOVE NICKY! But I can’t write that. He’s busy again tomorrow. Doing what? Not asking. I am not turning into a psycho-girlfriend.
7.12 p.m.
Gran says Florence is copying Winston Churchill. Bet the teacher doesn’t notice.
SATURDAY 24TH APRIL
3.23 p.m.
Went to see Goose but he seems to be in a bad mood constantly at the moment. It’s like a massive man period. If I mention Nicky at all he changes the subject or says, “She just wants kissy-kissy with her boyfriend.” It’s almost nasty. It’s so not like Goose. He’s doing well at school, his mum is lovely and his gecko is eating properly – what’s the problem?!
I think the problem may be… No. I am SICK of going OVER and OVER it in my mind.
You think Nicky holds his cards close to his chest, Gran! Goose has swallowed his cards!
We are going to Skegness tomorrow. I’m slightly dreading it. Rob isn’t coming. He was born in South America and knows what real beaches are like. He’s taking Goose to a boot sale.
SUNDAY 25TH APRIL
5.05 a.m.
Gran has just turned up 2 HOURS EARLY. She says she can’t sleep these days anyway so she’d rather wait. This actually means sitting on the sofa like the queen, saying “Are we going yet?” and looking at her watch every 5 minutes. Sorry, Gran – I’m going back to sleep.
5.35 a.m.
Just woke up to Gran at the end of my bed staring at me. She said, “When are we leaving, Hattie?” When I said, “Don’t know – I need more sleep…” she started talking about how you can get 3 for 2 on flavoured sardines in her shop. I don’t need to hear about cheap Omega 3 before 6 a.m. in the morning – if EVER!
5.49 a.m.
Dear Princess – please stop eating my pillow. I will get up.
6.13 a.m.
We are leaving early. Mum can’t put up with Gran talking about special offers any more. We are picking up Nicky on the way. I’ve never been to Nicky’s place. Basically because I’ve been playing it cool. Better text him to tell him we are going to be almost an hour early.
9.52 p.m.
OMG – I AM NOT GOING TO SKEGNESS AGAIN. EVER.
To start with Mum forced us all to go to “Natureland”, which was EMBARRASSMENT TO THE MAXIMUM. Gran freaked out like she normally does in the butterfly house. I always forget they have lovely wings but big fat hairy bodies. THEN Mum made me and Nicky have our photos taken with the goat in Pets’ Corner. Nicky thought it was LOL! It was not. The goat had a massive slobbering tongue and I am not 6. All I could hear was Princess whimpering outside for Gran. We couldn’t take her in. If she saw a seal perform she’d jump in and try to catch the fish.
Gran and Nicky kept giggling at everything. They played mini golf and then spent 4 hours in the arcade, gambling. Nicky knows EVERY fruit machine and how to get the best from them. Gran and him spent about £40 but got £26 back! With our sort of winnings we all had fish and chips, though we had to leave Princess outside. Gran took her out some bread and butter.
At one point I said to Gran, “Any chance I can have some time alone with Nicky?” Gran was really moody and said, “You know he’s had a tough time, Hattie. Why not give him a nice family day out? Bet he’s never had one in his life.”
She’s right but I wanted a bit of snogging.
Nicky does seem to be a bit ashamed of his family. When we went to pick him up he was looking for us through an upstairs window and sprinted down before we’d even stopped the car. I thought he was going to let me in and introduce me to his parents – but he didn’t. He couldn’t wait to get out. I think his parents are a nightmare.
10.53 p.m.
The worst thing my mum did today was paddle in the sea and scream how cold the water was.
11.02 p.m.
Oh, and put candyfloss on top of Princess’s head and pretend she had hair.
It was quite funny. Princess didn’t think so – she doesn’t like anything pink. Mum let her eat it though so she was fine!
11.41 p.m.
Gran just called me. Apparently Princess has been chasing her tail and barking for the last 2 hours. She said I was always the same after Skeggy – they could never get me to sleep.
I have just been compared to the world’s most mental dog.
11.53 p.m.
Text from Nicky:
Gr8 day. Thanx XXXXXX
6 KISSES!!! 6!!! I love him.
MONDAY 26TH APRIL
5.18 p.m.
Dr Richards DID notice that Florence Morse has quoted Churchill! She got bonus marks for quoting the greatest Briton on Earth.
Nicky was off school today and hasn’t texted. Perhaps I need to be less Skegness and more Vegas.
Tried to tell Dimple and Jen about Sunday but they just seemed bored and kept giving each other strange looks. At one point I think I saw Dimple roll her eyes! It was totally rude. I have had to listen to them go on and on about their boyfriends but apparently I’m not allowed to go on about mine. Thanks very much, my so-called 2 best friends!
TUESDAY 27TH APRIL
4.19 p.m.
IT ALL KICKED OFF TODAY.
Dimple and Weirdo Jen admitted they have tried but they actually HATE Nicky.
Jen said, “Look, Hattie – he has a really negative vibe. You can feel it through a wall. Dimple feels the same.” Dimple nodded and started going on about how she doesn’t like the way Nicky speaks to me and that he “picks me up and leaves me where he wants to”.
Dimple thinks because she has been out with Bhavin she knows everything about relationships. Bhavin, who just let her DUMP him because her mum was having a baby! As for Jen! She goes out with a total freak who has picnics in public, with aliens. Or something. I’m TOTALLY furious! How dare they tell ME that Nicky treats ME badly. They don’t even see us together. They are BOTH too busy these days with their own lives and their own families. Nicky is lovely to me in his way. Just because he’s not buying me presents every week like Simon (VOM!!!) or “being respectful”. That’s not what I want. I want a REAL FULL-ON RELATIONSHIP and sometimes love does cause you a little bit of unhappiness. That’s NORMAL. Someone who makes it OBVIOUS he likes YOU and takes a bit
of control of the situation. Unlike … other people.
I didn’t say all this. I just said, “Well, I love him and he’s from a difficult family.”
5.08 p.m.
I know they just say all this because they love me.
5.15 p.m.
I’m sick of being understanding.
5.43 p.m.
Dear Gran – I am so bored with the saga of your hedgehogs. I don’t care that you can hear them “doing it”. Prickly porn is not what a nearly 70-year-old woman should be talking about. I do not care!
