by Rae Earl
I need to know about men! Not “Bertram the spiky bull and all his girlfriends”!
I didn’t say all this when Gran called me. I just thought it. I am OFFICIALLY calm and restrained.
7.02 p.m.
I’m fed up with being safe and nice. I need to be more edgy. I think I’ll start with my hair. Nicky will like it.
7.28 p.m.
Just told Mum I was shaving my head completely. She was fine with it.
8.03 p.m.
Gran says most boys don’t go for totally bald. That’s why Mum would be fine with it.
That’s a NO GO then.
WEDNESDAY 28TH APRIL
1.38 p.m.
It’s on! Today I was talking about going more edgy over lunch and Jade Montgomery said her sister needed models for her college course. She says I would be perfect as a model. So she’s cutting my hair straight after school. She’s only 4 years older than me but apparently she’s really good and does a lot of stuff for magazines.
When they say “magazines” she was actually in the local paper once. When I said, “What for?” Jade said, “A drawing competition when she was 7” – but it’s all artistic. That’s the thing. If you can draw a castle and a knight well you can do a decent haircut!
I’ve told Jade to ask her sister to be experimental. I think my face shape can take it. Jen thinks it’s exciting but Dimple said she likes my hair the way it is. It’s all been a bit tense since they told me they didn’t like Nicky. How can I trust people who’ve got him SO wrong?!
5.52 p.m.
OMG – it’s pretty OUT THERE.
6.08 p.m.
OK! OMG – it looks FOUL.
I can’t go out looking like this. If you want to achieve the Hattie Moore look…
• Put a bowl on your head.
• Close your eyes.
• Use blunt scissors.
• CUT!!!
I just sent a photo to Jen. She thinks it’s “brave”. I daren’t show Dimple.
7.28 p.m.
Mum says, “Amputees doing the London Marathon are brave, Hattie – not someone with a bad haircut.”
So it’s officially a BAD haircut.
Thanks, Mum.
THURSDAY 29TH APRIL
6.31 p.m.
Today I found out what it must feel like to be a celebrity with a wardrobe malfunction. Everyone was staring at me. Some were giggling in their hands. Some were LOLing (MGK – PREDICTABLE!). Dimple said, “If you don’t like it you can just wait till it grows back.” How long will that take??!
Didn’t see Nicky. I was pleased about this fact. I haven’t heard anything from Nicky. I am not happy about this fact.
7.37 p.m.
My brother thinks I look like a medieval monk! He keeps singing hymns behind me and every time I finish a sentence he says, “Amen”.
The sooner he goes travelling and gets stuck for ever on a bungee jump off a bridge in Thailand, the better. The idea of my brother boing-ing up and down for ever is a beautiful thought!
FRIDAY 30TH APRIL
6.25 p.m.
My hair is not the main thing people at school are talking about any more. It’s the fact that there’s a film of Laura Tynan doing a One Direction song at her mum’s wedding and screaming, “Harry, I LOVE YOU!” over and over. She has to be helped off stage by the best man as she “gets emotional”.
Rob said, “Hattie, your haircut is just a drop in the ocean.”
8.03 p.m.
Found out tonight that Gran has an arrangement with Mrs Braun over the road. If Gran’s curtains are not open before 8 a.m. she’s either dead or seriously ill. Mrs Braun knows to call an undertaker or a doctor.
She’d be dialling 999 every weekend if it were me! Why do old people get up when they don’t have to? When I retire I’m going to stay in bed for ever with my laptop and a box of crisps.
My husband can wait on me!
8.32 p.m.
Gran says, “Men don’t live as long as us. Always marry them younger, Hattie!”
Apparently male immaturity is a small price to pay for toast and marmalade in bed every morning.
9.14 p.m.
TEXT FROM NICKY!
C u tomorrow x
1 kiss?!
SATURDAY 1ST MAY
4.11 p.m.
I don’t want to write this … but Nicky is acting … horrible.
He came over, and the first thing he said was that I’ve put on a bit of weight. He called me Fatty 3 Seats.
I think he was sort of joking.
Then he hated my hair. He says it makes me look more masculine and less cosmic sexy goddess.
I don’t think he was joking about this. When we were kissing there was less tongue and I caught him looking over his shoulder at The Great British Bake Off.
I might just eat apples for the rest of this weekend.
SUNDAY 2ND MAY
9.57 a.m.
I can’t diet. It goes off your breasts first and THERE IS NOTHING THERE TO START WITH.
6.28 p.m.
And Rob did his spicy chicken and rice thing today. My body needs it. My A-cups NEED it.
MONDAY 3RD MAY
10.34 a.m.
Just spoke to Dimple. She’s gone mad at even the thought of Nicky saying I’m putting on weight. She said, “Hattie, you are like a stick insect – this is JUST what we tried to tell you about him. He’s all mixed up. Dump him!”
2.12 p.m.
Nicky wants me to go boarding with him on Wednesday at the skate park.
I’m sure he was just joking.
TUESDAY 4TH MAY
6.12 p.m.
I can’t even think past THIS week and school are MAKING us “consider our LONG-TERM futures”. WHY?!
Today we had to write our CV. Florence Morse – ultimate rebel – wrote a pee-take one!
I can breathe through my nose, I mastered walking at 18 months and can turn off my mind in order to carry out a brain-dead job every day. In my spare time I enjoy juggling kittens and pretending to be a moth.
Bet they all think it’s fantastic!
Nicky wasn’t at school today to write his CV. He hardly ever is! He says the future will “just happen”.
8.39 p.m.
Nicky just rang my mob. He wasn’t joking about the skate park. He wants me to meet him there after school tomorrow!
WEDNESDAY 5TH MAY
5.46 p.m.
I met up with Nicky at 4 p.m. He kissed me when I turned up and then spent the rest of the time basically grunting and stunting. I shouted, “Well done!” when boys did big loop things but I felt like such a doughnut standing there. In the end I just said goodbye and got Rob to pick me up after an hour. Rob said, “Getting into skating, Hattie?!” Er, no, Rob. I’m not getting into snogging either!
6.16 p.m.
Nicky sort of ignored me tonight. It was a bit bad.
6.39 p.m.
Or perhaps he just respects the fact that I can cope on my own! He may well respect me as an actual woman.
7.02 p.m.
Actually I just think he likes doing half-pipe aerial thingies more than he likes me.
THURSDAY 6TH MAY
4.12 p.m.
OMG! SCHOOL SHOCKER.
The school do not think Florence is brilliant and have said she has to have special career lessons. I can’t imagine Florence ever in a job. Unless there’s a job where being moody and grumpy is a good thing.
5.09 p.m.
Rob says the people who do these jobs are always miserable:
• People you have to deal with when you’re trying to claim insurance.
• People who work in banks when you are asking them for money.
• Traffic wardens.
• Moody people with guitars who sing about death from war, death from climate change, death from a broken heart or death in general.
I think Florence could do the last one REALLY WELL.
6.11 p.m.
Thinking of it, Florence and Nicky are quite similar
…
6.54 p.m.
No. They shouldn’t go out together. I still like him.
FRIDAY 7TH MAY
7.29 p.m.
I went round to see Gran after school. She was out the back watching her new young gardener in action. She said, “My engine has gone but my headlights still work, Hattie.” She is getting more happiness from Tyson planting some bulbs than I am from an entire relationship with Nicky.
SATURDAY 8TH MAY
1.48 p.m.
I met Dimple at her house this morning. I started to cry. The facts are that I have a rubbish haircut, a boyfriend who doesn’t treat me very well AT ALL and a gran who wolf-whistles at good-looking young men and then pretends it wasn’t her when they turn round. My life is a mahoosive MESS.
Dimple couldn’t really argue. It’s all true. She saw Gran whistle at the men who are working on the new shopping centre in town. They saw it was her, leant over their scaffolding and cheered.
Anyway Dimple gave me a big hug and promised to try and cheer me up. She’s asked her friend Nita to come over and give me some henna art on my arm this afternoon. It’s only temporary! I’m having a rose. It symbolizes growth, beauty and strength. Plus I know that Nicky likes tattoos on women.
6.02 p.m.
My rose looks like a cabbage. Nita said she thought petals were a bit of a “challenge”. They were. I’ve got leaves!!! Nita said, “Perhaps vegetables are a sign of dignity and rebirth.”
No, they are not, Nita – vegetables are a sign of your actual dinner!!!
8.02 p.m.
I just rang Gran. She understands things going wrong on your body. She tried everything on her Father Christmas diamante vajazzle bum. She said, “You’ll have to wear long sleeves, Hattie, till it fades.” That could be all summer!
SUNDAY 9TH MAY
10.45 a.m.
It’s quite warm today but I’m covering up. I’ve got no choice.
11.38 a.m.
Mum just said, “You’re quiet, Hattie. Is anything the matter?”
What could I say?! I just told her I was feeling like I was “getting something”.
Actually I’ve already GOT something. It’s a cabbage!
4.38 p.m.
I tried everything in the kitchen AND in the bathroom to fade my tattoo. Nothing is working. My arm now smells of Radox and Cif cream cleanser.
10.24 p.m.
Dear Nicky – you haven’t replied to any of my texts or called me and now I have a vegetable on my arm.
I am not happy. At all.
Every time I have texted Goose recently, he seems to be BUSY. When did HE get so busy?
MONDAY 10TH MAY
4.19 p.m.
People at school today were begging to see my crap body art! Dimple said she totally did not tell anyone. Nita did! AND she blamed me and said she couldn’t draw properly because I didn’t sit still!
MGK was saying that she wants a tattoo with “Hattie Moore is not my sister” on it. A permanent one. She says she will NEVER regret it.
7.12 p.m.
What I have I turned into?! I’m not a feminist – I am a TOTAL DORK DOUGHNUT!
Things I have done for Nicky:
• Got a new haircut that’s craptacular.
• Got a henna tattoo that’s craptacular.
• Spent time with his grunting skateboard friends.
• Let him come to Skegness.
• TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM!
Things he has done for me:
8.35 p.m.
I’m going to go to the doctor tomorrow morning to see what he can do about this henna thing. It’s not fading. I’ll tell Mum I’m going because I’m getting headaches.
8.51 p.m.
Told Mum I was going to the doctor’s tomorrow. She said, “You’ve not moaned about headaches. What are you really going for?”
When I said, “Headaches – honestly. Perhaps I need contact lenses”, she looked at me with her “I don’t believe a word you are saying” face.
Mum has a TOTAL radar when it comes to my lies.
TUESDAY 11TH MAY
8.55 a.m.
I’ve been ringing the doctor for an appointment since 8.29 a.m.! 26 minutes AND it’s still engaged!
9.17 a.m.
Finally got through and the receptionist bit my head off! She wanted to give me an appointment in 2 weeks’ time till I told her it was an emergency. She asked what sort of “emergency” it was. I said, “An arm one.” Then she laughed and said, “See you at noon!”
NOON! My arm could have fallen off by then!
9.45 a.m.
Mum is NOT happy that I am missing school today but then she said, “Better to go than to …. not go, I suppose. With your …. head.”
3.01 p.m.
The doctor’s was a nightmare. Everyone there was sneezing or coughing or huddled up in a ball of pain. There was 1 magazine in the entire waiting room and that was Agriculture Today! I now know everything about the new breed of tractors and what to do if your cows are depressed.
Why are cows depressed? All they have to do is eat grass, hang around with their mates and get milked whilst they listen to Radio 2. I’d love to be a cow.
Except for the ones that become burgers. That’s bad.
Anyway the doctor said I was stupid for having a henna tattoo and even more stupid for treating my arm like a kitchen worktop. I’ve got a special cream and a bandage that covers it all.
Got home and Mum was practically WAITNG by the front door (she must have finished at the cafe early). Then we had this really weird “chat”.
MUM: WHAT DID YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR’S FOR?
ME: Headaches.
MUM: Don’t lie, Hattie. I need to know about the big things that are happening in your life. We need to talk about any … big decisions that you’ve made. Big decisions have consequences, you know, and some things … well, you have to take them REGULARLY for them to work. Perhaps I could remind you every morning so you never forget. Medicine is important! (WHAT IS SHE ON ABOUT??!)
ME: OK – I had some henna art done.
MUM: What?! Show me!
ME: It’s terrible. Don’t yell at me.
Then I showed her and SHE LAUGHED and said, “Oh, Hattie – only you could have a vegetable painted on your arm. Don’t worry – it’ll fade. My friend’s little boy had a dolphin done on holiday in Mykonos. It only lasts a few weeks!”
She almost seemed RELIEVED! I will NEVER understand my mum.
WEDNESDAY 12TH MAY
5.17 p.m.
OMG – Nicky has SENT me flowers and written me a song. He emailed me the file! It’s him rapping.
Give me love, Hattie,
I’ll fight your corner.
I just want to hold you.
I let Goose listen because he of all people should understand OTHER men.
He just said, “It’s Ed Sheeran’s ‘Give Me Love’. I could do better than that… Anyone could.”
He’ll never get over his anti-Nicky-ness.
9.12 p.m.
OK – I was checking Goose for jealousy. There wasn’t any. He was just slagging him off and checking his phone lots.
THURSDAY 13TH MAY
5.34 p.m.
Goose was checking his phone lots?!
WHAT FOR?
Gecko tips OR TEXTING A GIRL?!
Gecko tips I hope.
And what do I say to Nicky? He’s a TOTAL pig then he does the HUGE, BIG, MAX ROMANTIC stuff I have ALWAYS wanted.
FRIDAY 14TH MAY
7.52 p.m.
I told Gran tonight about the song. She said, “Don’t mess with a man’s heart, Hattie. When you have them in your hand you don’t play with them.” Gran clearly thinks I’m some sort of evil boy-controlling queen. She started wagging her finger at me! “In my day men didn’t write a song – they bought you chips and, if you were lucky, a decent piece of cod.”
Fish is NOT romantic!
SATURDAY 15TH MAY
8.01 a.m.
Nicky
has emailed me again. Did I get his song?
I don’t know what to write back!
1.13 p.m.
Gran says NEVER in the history of time have men splashed out on flowers saying, “Well done. You’re quite nice.” She says Nicky LOVES ME but, like many men, can’t say it.
Like all the men in my life ever.
