OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek!

by Rae Earl

  10.34 p.m.

  Keith just had a massive chat with us, explaining how grateful he was that we had come over and that he really wanted to get to know us as “individuals”. Then he said, “I’d like to think this is an opportunity for you 2 to become friends too.”

  I know this place has been a place of real change for you, Keith, but let’s not expect a miracle.

  11.01 p.m.

  I must say though MGK is NOT being the total nightmare I’d thought she’d be. She’s being quite … OK.

  SUNDAY 1ST AUGUST

  1.34 a.m.

  OMG – there’s something moving in my sleeping bag.

  1.46 a.m.

  It’s fine – it’s just my actual other foot.

  2.36 a.m.

  There is something moving outside. It’s HUGE.

  2.45 a.m.

  It’s Butterfly – she is going to wee in the bush as it helps the flora and fauna grow.

  3.03 a.m.

  Me and MGK are holding everything in till the morning – we’d rather be uncomfortable than suffer a comedy death being bitten on the bum by a poisonous something or other.

  4.10 a.m.

  Even MGK cannot sleep. She just asked me if blue-ringed octopuses can walk inland (she’s been googling dangerous stuff too). I told her I didn’t think so. Then I told her snakes give them a lift – it has been known.

  She believed it. She’s put her towel around her head.

  I’ve told her I was joking but she has kept the towel around her head. She says she is now doing it for a laugh. I can’t actually believe how much we are … gettting on giggling.

  I can’t write any more. While I’m writing I could be attacked by something!

  MONDAY 2ND AUGUST

  10.34 a.m.

  We are back from camping. We slept all day Sunday and all last night. Keith was a bit upset that we didn’t connect with nature more but MGK told him that we did connect with our sleeping bags AND HE LAUGHED!

  To be fair it was a bit LOL.

  I’ve offered to take the washing to the laundrette.

  12.35 p.m.

  NOW MGK is coming with me too! She has Butterfly’s green washing powder and the chance to ruin everything.

  5.35 p.m.

  The fit laundrette boy is called Lachlan!

  How do I know? Because he talked to MGK for 4 HOURS.

  4 HOURS of watching gorgeous people flirt and listening to tumble dryers. We are meeting again tomorrow too! It’s either go with MGK or join Keith and Butterfly for a meditation morning.

  You never know – there might be ANOTHER fit boy in Tasmania!

  TUESDAY 3RD AUGUST

  2.35 p.m.

  Lachlan is completely in love with MGK. While they were “getting to know each other”, I got lumbered talking to an 85-year-old called Janet. Apparently she helps out at the local old people’s home, even though it sounded like she should actually be living there. She had perfect eye make-up but mahoosive chin hair. That makes no sense to me! Whilst she was telling me about Mr Stephanopoulos (who has eaten nothing but sweet-and-sour-chicken every day for 6 years) Lachlan and MGK had already arranged to meet the same time tomorrow. GREAT.

  Another boy lost to someone more beautiful. When will my love life explode? When will someone want me more than their skater mates or their gecko?

  Goose would love it here. It’s full of lizards. They run off when they see you though. Good. It’s not like I’m their Number 1 Fan. Reptiles are the reason – OH, GOOSE, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

  WEDNESDAY 4TH AUGUST

  2.30 p.m.

  Lachlan is going to see his brother who lives somewhere with a name I can’t pronounce tomorrow. MGK and him had a massive goodbye snog when the washing machine was on its spin cycle! I started LOLing because it sounded like they were making all the sloshing noises with their actual mouths.

  They both stared at me as if I had officially ruined their farewell love session.

  HA!!!

  5.24 p.m.

  Texted Gran. Apparently fighting facial hair when you’re over 50 is like fighting weeds in the garden. It’s a constant job and sometimes in bad weather you can’t be arsed.

  I don’t ever want to get old. Ever.

  THURSDAY 5TH AUGUST

  4.32 p.m.

  2 MASSIVE things happened today:

  1. I SAW MY FIRST BIG AUSTRALIAN SPIDER this morning. Butterfly spoke to it like it was a dog. It WAS the size of a dog. MGK was asleep. She was probably dreaming about Lachlan.

  2. I had a massive conversation with Keith.

  KEITH: I know I haven’t earnt the right, Hattie, but can I give you a piece of advice?

  ME: Er … go on.

  KEITH: You’re a great kid … sorry – young woman. I love how you can take the mickey out of yourself.

  ME: Er… (SINCE WHEN?!)

  KEITH: But just one thing: don’t miss out on relationships – love, friendships. Don’t ignore it like I did. (I HATE HEAVY ADULT CHATS.)

  ME: Sounds like you’ve got someone you are thinking of…

  KEITH: Well, take Ruby, for instance.

  ME: OMG! You seriously don’t know the history. She has made my life actual HELL.

  KEITH: Well, I haven’t got the best record either – and we’ve managed to become friends, haven’t we? I mean, I know there’s A LOT to do…

  ME: That’s different. You’re my dad. She’s my…

  KEITH: Sister. Let her in, Hattie.

  Why is it ME who has to do the letting in? Why is it ME who always has to do the running and the chasing and the asking?

  Slightly – in fact TOTALLY – sick of it.

  FRIDAY 6TH AUGUST

  5.38 p.m.

  At the laundrette today I met a man who was in the Vietnam War (there was a war there apparently). He narrowly missed a “bomb in the bunker” and ever since has lived “day to day”. He was really friendly – but why is it that people want to tell you their entire life story when they’re cleaning their pants?! In fact everyone here wants to tell you their entire life story. They are very, VERY friendly. At first you think, “Are you weird?” or “What do you want?” and then you realize they are actually just being Australian and NORMAL.

  Whilst he was telling me about nearly dying MGK was slurping Lachlan’s face off. It’s wrong to hear giggles and kissing when a man is telling you about jungle rations.

  YES! I am jealous.

  SATURDAY 7TH AUGUST

  5.53 p.m.

  Finally there’s ANOTHER fit boy in the laundrette! He’s called Wayne! I know Wayne is the worst name on Earth BUT he has invited me out for coffee and cake in the mall on Monday. It’s the best invite I’ve had since I got here!

  10.12 p.m.

  I can’t believe I’m writing this but I just had a lovely night with MGK, Keith and Butterfly playing Scrabble. We had pizzas made with VEGAN CHEESE on the barbecue and then played a board game. It sounds like DULLSTER VON DULLSTER but it was really funny. MGK made the word “tooch” – which is another model word and means “to stick your bum out”. Keith said, “That’s not a word.” I said, “I’ve hardly got one and therefore I am banning it anyway!” and MGK started laughing like CRAZY but not in a horrible way. WHAT IS GOING ON?!

  SUNDAY 8TH AUGUST

  4.23 p.m.

  MGK disappeared TOTALLY today. Keith let her. He thinks you should trust adolescents completely and they will “surprise and reward you”.

  Keith has clearly never brought up anyone! Good job he’s had nothing to do with my brother!

  8.01 p.m.

  MGK has been with Lachlan all day. Apparently it’s serious. It always is with her till it’s not and she’s dumped them!

  MONDAY 9TH AUGUST

  4.21 p.m.

  Met Wayne in the mall! We didn’t really do anything but it was good to have a look round. I don’t think we fancy each other. I think we are both a bit … bored.

  7.34 p.m.

  Keith said today he’d like to spend more
time with us and that maybe we’re spending a little bit too much time with other people instead of him. I said, “I know how you feel! We’ve had 15 years of it!”

  MGK wet herself.

  This might be the greatest comeback EVER.

  Keith wasn’t cross. He just said, “Fair enough, Hattie – but let’s move forward, shall we? How about we just spend a bit more time together. What would you say to another Scrabble night?”

  It WAS mahoosively hilarious.

  8.10 p.m.

  Mum called – am I having a good time?

  I am actually. I told her me and Ruby were getting on quite well sometimes.

  8.55 p.m.

  OMG – I just called MGK “Ruby”!

  TUESDAY 10TH AUGUST

  7.18 p.m.

  Wayne may have THE worst name in the world BUT 1) he can surf (he keeps falling off but he also stays on a bit), 2) he has his OWN CAR! FINALLY A POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND WITH 4 WHEELS AND A MOTOR!

  WEDNESDAY 11TH AUGUST

  7.12 p.m.

  Wayne introduced me to his car. He put newspaper on the floor when I got into “her” as he didn’t want any dust on the floor. I’m used to this. Rob is precious about his car. It’s totally the sign of a good man.

  Wayne dropped me off at home. MGK— Ruby thought he looked a bit “rough”. She means SEXY.

  I think I might fancy him. Might. He’s not … he’s not my type.

  He’s not a geek.

  OHHHH, WHY CAN’T I GET THE BOY OUT OF MY HEAD?!!

  THURSDAY 12TH AUGUST

  9.05 a.m.

  OMG – Keith and Butterfly have just dropped a BOMBSHELL.

  THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED AND WANT US TO BE BRIDESMAIDS!!!

  Apparently they’ve been thinking about it for a while and now we are here and “fit in so well” (?!) they want to celebrate their love with the people they love the most!

  I’d better tell Mum.

  10.01 a.m.

  Mum doesn’t care. “He can do what he likes!” she said. Then she said, “Hattie, it’s lovely to hear from you but couldn’t this have waited till the morning?”

  I forgot! It’s night back home!

  I’d better tell Gran.

  10.32 a.m.

  Gran doesn’t care either. She said, “Congratulations but I can’t chat, Hattie. I’m playing ‘Words With Friends’ on my iPad with a man from around the corner. I’ve not met him but I think he’s got more chance with his marriage than Keith has. Goodnight.”

  Well, Ruby and me are pleased for them. They are quite sweet really.

  5.23 p.m.

  Wayne picked me up in his car. He does not want to be seen as a “hoon” (boy racer) so he drives sensibly. This means very slowly. He says he is cruising and he needs to “treat her right”. He polishes her ALL the time. He calls HER “Adrienne the car”.

  Adrienne?

  It’s after the cat he had when he was 7.

  Is that cute or really freaky?

  I daren’t ask Ruby.

  FRIDAY 13TH AUGUST

  5.21 p.m.

  Wayne was late today as he was polishing “Adrienne the car”. I am beginning to understand how a mistress feels. Wayne is married to Adrienne. I’m a bit on the side. I’ve seen this on soaps – it never ends well.

  And I’m thinking all the time … If I had JUST perhaps said 1 sentence my life could be so different right now. I COULD be about to Skype someone who I just really LOVE and FANCY and LIKE and ALL OF IT. I could be in snog city not car mistress mist.

  I’m talking crap but I know what I mean.

  SATURDAY 14TH AUGUST

  9.24 a.m.

  Wayne rang my mob. Adrienne the car is ill. He couldn’t get her started this morning. I said, “No worries.” I’m going on a nature hike with my dad. Ruby is off with Lachlan – Dad is starting NOT to trust her. LOL!

  9.32 a.m.

  OMG – I just called Keith “Dad”! What is going on?

  6.32 p.m.

  Please note: leaves, ferns and fungi are more appealing than being with Wayne and Adrienne. That’s not a good sign, is it?

  SUNDAY 15TH AUGUST

  7.12 p.m.

  Wayne and I were going to kiss tonight but I accidentally scuffed Adrienne’s handbrake with my trainers. Wayne pretended it didn’t matter but said he had to deal with it immediately or it could be permanent.

  MONDAY 16TH AUGUST

  5.32 p.m.

  Wayne doesn’t think he can come to Dad’s wedding – whenever the date. He can’t get Adrienne near the venue. He doesn’t want to leave her somewhere that isn’t monitored.

  This is getting weird now. I thought geckos were weird. They are not. They are fine. Gran was right – world travel does open your eyes.

  9.24 p.m.

  I have seen Butterfly’s wedding dress. It’s made of eco-friendly material. It’s sort of … brown.

  OMG – what if our bridesmaid dresses are like that? Ruby won’t wear it.

  9.45 p.m.

  If Ruby doesn’t then I’m not either. I’m just going to say it’s SISTER SOLIDARITY.

  Also Ruby is basically Vogue and I am NOT.

  TUESDAY 17TH AUGUST

  3.23 p.m.

  Wayne has put a “Ninja Love Machine” sticker on the back of his car.

  This is not going to work.

  WEDNESDAY 18TH AUGUST

  1.32 p.m.

  Wayne says he has to replace Adrienne’s engine.

  I told him I understood and to contact me when he’s finished.

  Hopefully it will take a long time!

  Cars are just grown-up skateboards. Wayne is just an Australian version of Nicky. I have swapped one disinterested boy for another.

  I know who I want really.

  Just came home to find Lachlan and Ruby having

  the world’s biggest snog.

  2.34 p.m.

  It is still going on!

  3.34 p.m.

  It is STILL going on! Don’t they need actual AIR?!

  6.14 p.m.

  Ruby has been kissing for HOURS. Occasionally they eat, drink and giggle. Then they start again!

  7.39 p.m.

  After Lachlan went tonight Dad asked Ruby if she wouldn’t mind NOT seeing him for a couple of days as he wanted to spend time with us!

  Ruby got a bit annoyed but agreed.

  11.35 p.m.

  I can’t sleep. Ruby has been talking to Lachlan for 3 hours since she just gave him “a quick ring” to tell him she couldn’t see him for a few days.

  He calls her “KB” – it’s short for Koala Bear. VOM!!!

  THURSDAY 19TH AUGUST

  8.23 a.m.

  We are having an eco-friendly hen night tonight for Butterfly. I am actually scared what this might mean.

  11.12 p.m.

  The eco-friendly hen night consisted of a vegan buffet and homemade alcohol created from potatoes that me and Ruby were not allowed to drink!

  After Butterfly and her friends tried it most of them ended up singing about how the sky gives women strength, sisters are doing it for themselves and a song called “Mary was meant to be hairy – be brave, don’t shave”.

  Ruby could not understand this. She asked Butterfly’s friend Sky if she’d ever had a Brazilian. She said, “No, but I travelled with a man from Peru once who owned a llama farm.”

  Then one of Butterfly’s friends did fortune-telling. They told Butterfly her marriage would be very happy as she transforms others and brings a healing love to everything she is near. Yes, total crap, BUT she actually is really sweet and you can’t laugh at someone on their hen night.

  Butterfly then told everyone she was desperate for a decent steak. The atmosphere turned a bit weird. I said, “She only wants a bit of meat – it’s not like she’s having an affair or anything.” One of her friends said, “Better to engage in free love than to eat the soul of a living creature.”

  No wonder my dad fits in here! LOL!

  No that’s not fair. Dad HAS changed. H
e’s actually lovely and that’s everything you could want in a man. Someone you can depend on and you’re good friends with and – OH— WHY HAVE I BEEN SUCH AN IDIOT?! YES! YES! YES!!! I KNOW!!!!

  FRIDAY 20TH AUGUST

  10.02 a.m.

  Butterfly thanked me this morning for sticking up for her when she was really drunk. She actually remembered what she had said about steak! I told her not to worry – it would all be forgotten now. Butterfly said it wouldn’t be – Rosehip didn’t speak to her own mother for 6 months when she caught her eating a tin of tuna. These people are SERIOUS. Apparently it’s better to say f*** than veal.