Making Peace

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Aren’t you angry at all?’

  ‘Not really. Sad, disappointed, frustrated. But I love him and I always will. I don’t blame him for wanting, needing, to see what else is out there – be true to himself.’

  ‘Did you ever realise he was gay? Surely there were signs.’

  ‘Probably, but I’m still not seeing them. Maybe it’s too soon.’

  ‘Hmm. Like you said, you’re probably in shock. I’m so impressed with how calm you are.’

  ‘Well, I’ve got a focus. That’s a huge help. In a few weeks I could well crumble.’

  ‘If you do, I will be there to help pick up the pieces.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  They stood in silence and stared at the bold abstracts.

  ‘I’m hoping he’ll realise he’s wrong and come back to us,’ Sam whispered. ‘Maybe I am in denial.’

  ‘You be whatever you want or need to be and I’ll be whatever and wherever you want and need me to be, Sammy,’ Hannah whispered back.

  They slipped back into silence for a few more moments before Sam spoke again.

  ‘Oh, I need to show you the artwork for the business cards I’ve ordered online – they should be here Thursday. Come on.’

  Chapter Seven

  Hannah had just fed Holly her tuna and chicken neck and was about to open a tin of tomato soup for an easy early Saturday dinner for herself when her mobile phone rang.

  ‘Hi, Sam, how’s things?’

  ‘Hann, can you come over?’

  ‘Are you or the boys hurt – do I need to phone an ambulance?’

  ‘No, it’s nothing like that. Oh, Hann,’ Sam said, and began to cry.

  ‘I’ll be right there.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Sam said with a sniff.

  ‘Sorry, Holly girl, change of plans,’ Hannah said, squatting down and patting the cat. She glanced at the cats’ bowls to make sure there was plenty of water and dry food and then popped the can of soup into her handbag and grabbed another from the pantry. Taking her car and house keys from the bowl on the bench, she headed out – careful to not step on any lurking kittens. They’d recently taken to leaping out from under things and jumping in front of passing feet. But at the front door she paused. Tomorrow was an early start. She might still be at Sam’s, depending how things went. She raced through to her bedroom and stuffed a clean set of underwear, a pair of jeans, a top and her electric toothbrush into a bag.

  As Hannah drove off she wondered what state she’d find her friend in.

  She didn’t have a chance to ring the bell before the door opened and Ethan’s little face appeared.

  ‘Hello darling, Ethan,’ she said, ruffling his hair.

  ‘Hello, Auntie Hann. I need a big cuddle.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ she said, putting down her bags and picking him up, trying to ignore how heavy he had become. ‘Where’s your mum and Olly?’ Hann asked against the slightly choking grip the small boy had around her neck.

  ‘In the kitchen. We’re having soup for dinner.’

  ‘Goodie. That’s what I was going to have,’ she said, nuzzling Ethan’s neck before kissing it. ‘Come on, then, let’s go see.’

  ‘I’m so glad you’re here, Auntie Hann.’

  ‘Me too, Ethan.’

  ‘I can get down now. Mum says I’m getting too heavy to carry. And I don’t feel so well. We’re all sick.’

  ‘Oh, that’s no good,’ she said, gently putting the child down and noticing for the first time just how hot he was. ‘You’re a big, strong boy now,’ she said, squatting down and taking hold of the boy’s two hands and looking deep into his eyes. ‘Ethan?’

  ‘Yes, Auntie Hann?’

  ‘You know how to use Mummy’s phone, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes. And the house phone,’ he said proudly. ‘Olly does too. We’ve practised calling triple zero – well, not for real, because Mum says that would be very naughty. But we know how to do it.’

  ‘That’s great. You’re so clever. And you know you can call me if ever you need me, don’t you? Whenever. Okay?’

  Ethan nodded. And his chin wobbled. And then big fat tears started to roll down his cheeks.

  ‘Oh, darling, what’s wrong?’ I know, everything.

  ‘I miss my daddy. And Mummy’s really sad too.’

  ‘I know, darling. I’m sure it will get easier, but for now we all have to be very brave.’

  ‘Like when Uncle Tris and Granny Daph and Grandad Dan died?’

  ‘Yes. Just like that. You were so strong. Can you be strong like that again now, do you think?’

  ‘I can try.’

  ‘Good boy,’ Hannah said, hugging him tight while she blinked back the tears gathering in her eyes.

  ‘Now, tell me what sort of soup you’re having for dinner,’ she said brightly when she released him a few moments later.

  ‘Tomato. But it’s out of a can.’

  ‘My favourite,’ Hannah said, taking hold of Ethan’s hand and walking down the hall. ‘Hello, Olly,’ she said.

  ‘Hello, Auntie Hannah. I’ve got bugs.’

  ‘That’s no good. Are you too sick for a hug?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ he said, holding his arms out wide. Hannah held him tightly for a moment before letting him go.

  ‘Thanks so much for coming,’ Sam said, gathering Hannah to her.

  ‘Always.’

  ‘So, what’s going on?’ Hannah asked gently, holding her friend at arm’s length and looking at her. ‘Is it more than you all being sick?’

  ‘I can’t do it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Anything. Take care of the boys, create, do the market, survive without Rob. I can’t do it,’ she whispered, clearly on the verge of tears. ‘I’m trying to be tough for them, but I can’t. I’m falling apart, Hannah. I was barely coping before, but now I’m sick and so are the boys. And …’

  ‘Boys, how would you like soup and toast in bed?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘Well, off you go and hop into bed. I’ll be up soon.’

  ‘There’s only one tin – not enough for all of us,’ Oliver said.

  ‘I brought two more. I was about to have tomato soup too. Snap. So, go on, off you go. Mummy, have the dogs been fed?’ Hannah asked Sam as she noticed the two furry faces up against the glass doors, looking in from outside.

  ‘God. I completely forgot them. They need a scoop each of dry food – it’s in the bin in the pantry.’

  ‘I’ve got it. Go and hop into bed.’

  *

  Later, with everyone fed including the dogs, the plates collected and stacked in the dishwasher, the kitchen tidy, and a story read to the boys, Hannah joined Sam on her bed.

  ‘God, you’re a lifesaver,’ Sam said.

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘I’m okay.’

  ‘You can drop the act now. You don’t look okay to me.’ Sam looked terrible, even worse than when Hannah had arrived. Her cheeks were now inflamed.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘What are friends for?’

  ‘Oh, Hann, I’m miserable. I miss him so much.’

  Hannah leaned over and wrapped herself around her friend. ‘Of course you do.’

  ‘He’s never coming back to me as my husband, is he?’

  ‘No, darling, I don’t think he is.’

  ‘What am I going to do?’

  Hannah stroked Sam’s hair as Sam sobbed and Hannah tried not to give into the lump in her throat.

  ‘You’re strong, Sam, you’ll get through this.’

  ‘I don’t know how you did it.’

  ‘I had you. Now you have me. You’re not alone, Sammy. You don’t need to shoulder all of this yourself.’

  Slowly the tears subsided and Sam sat up a little. ‘I feel so inadequate.’

  ‘Why? What do you mean?’

  ‘Being so upset. Falling apart.’

  ‘What you’re going through is huge.’

  ‘But nothing compared to what yo
u had to deal with.’

  ‘It’s not a competition, Sammy,’ Hannah said. ‘I was a complete basket case for pretty much a whole year. Remember?’

  ‘You were not. Look at me. And you lost your entire family. Rob didn’t die, he just left.’

  ‘Which is a really big thing to deal with,’ Hannah said thoughtfully.

  ‘Oh god, I’m forever going to be wondering, hoping, aren’t I? Oh, Hannah, I still love him so much it hurts.’

  ‘Of course you do. You probably always will.’

  ‘And he loves me too. He rang earlier. Can you believe he still says, “I love you”? I couldn’t tell him how much it hurt to hear him say that. I’m sure this is all just as hard for him, but in a different way.’

  ‘I’m sure it is.’

  ‘Well, why isn’t he here then?’

  ‘You know why, Sammy.’

  ‘God, I so badly want to hate him, but I can’t.’

  ‘How is his family taking it?’ Rob’s family didn’t strike Hannah as the most liberal or open-minded of thinkers.

  ‘He hasn’t said and I don’t want to open that particular can of worms.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘And, no, I haven’t told my mother. I’m far from ready to have my failings pointed out to me. God, Hann.’

  ‘Just one step at a time, remember, sweetie. Bite-sized pieces.’

  ‘I can’t do the market tomorrow.’

  ‘Of course you can’t. Anyway, you’re sick – you can’t go and breathe germs on people. Jas and I will be fine doing it. Your labels will be a great help, not that it wouldn’t be better to have you there in person. But right now you need to look after yourself and the boys. Remember what you told me – concentrate on getting through an hour at a time.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Maybe getting sick is a sign you’re meant to focus on yourselves and not art for a bit.’

  ‘I don’t think I believe in signs or the protection of the universe or any of that stuff anymore,’ Sam said sadly.

  ‘You’re just on shaky ground. Look at how the market stall became available right when you wanted to start getting your name out there.’

  ‘It’s not going to help.’

  ‘You don’t know that. It’s an opportunity. You’ve always said to look out for opportunities and to take them – that everything happens for a reason. Come on, Sammy, you have to stay positive.’

  ‘Hann, what possible reason could there be for you losing Tristan and your parents and suffering like that?’

  ‘I don’t know, Sam.’ Hannah had wondered this herself so many times. She’d never shared Sam’s conviction of the ways of the universe, but she’d nonetheless wondered if there was anything in it. She’d racked her brain for something bad she’d done to warrant such a karmic response, and come up empty.

  ‘Maybe,’ Hannah continued after a few moments of silence, ‘sometimes what happens to us is collateral damage. Like our loved ones getting in the way of a lesson or something happening to someone else. Maybe the accident was about the truck driver and his family rather than a lesson for me.’

  ‘God, Hann, how can you be so philosophical? I’m meant to be the airy-fairy one.’

  ‘I don’t know. My heart still aches so badly for Tris that I think I might die, and I might feel like that for years. But some good things have come out of it. I can see that now. I know it sounds silly, but I’m so grateful for some of the things I’ve done that I wouldn’t have before – like travelling to New York and especially finding Holly and her kittens. It’s made such a difference for me to have someone else to live for, to take care of. I’m just looking for the good. Otherwise my grief might drown me. You taught me that.’

  ‘Did I?’

  ‘Yes. Oh, Sammy, you’re so wise and such a wonderful, positive influence. It makes me sad to see you like this. I’m not saying I’m glad that what happened to me happened – never – but if I let myself wallow in it I might be sucked under …’

  ‘Wallow. Like me, you mean?’

  ‘No, Sammy, I’m not saying that at all. You’ve been badly let down. The life you thought you were going to live forever has been shattered. You’re allowed to be upset, disappointed, angry – everything in between. Yes, wallow for a bit. Just don’t let it drag you so deep it consumes you. You have to have faith that it will get better, easier – that there is still a life out there for you.’

  ‘Promise me you’ll tell me when enough’s enough?’ Sam said.

  ‘Well, I can’t know that, only you can. You’ll be okay, Sammy, you just have to believe that.’

  ‘It could be worse.’

  ‘It can always be worse.’

  ‘Maybe the boys will get a second dad and I’ll get a stylist,’ Sam said with a wry smile.

  ‘That’s the spirit.’

  ‘There’s no such thing as a normal family, is there?’

  ‘No. You and the boys and Rob can be whatever you want to be.’

  ‘I’ll be okay, won’t I?’

  ‘Yes, you will. And so will the boys.’

  ‘Rob can damn well explain homosexuality to them when the time comes, though, because I’m not.’

  ‘Okay. Noted. That’s probably best.’

  They lapsed into silence for a few moments before Sam spoke again. ‘Do you think this has all happened to stop me being an artist? That’s what I’m scared of, Hann.’

  ‘No, I don’t. But it might be a sign it’s not quite the right time.’

  ‘Everything’s connected, isn’t it?’

  ‘Well, that’s what you’ve always said. And I’m starting to see it.’

  Hannah tried to push the guilt aside. No, not guilt, exactly, Tristan’s death wasn’t her fault. Burden. That was what she was feeling – an overwhelming sense of burden at being at the centre of suffering. Of course her life had changed significantly and irrevocably with such a loss, but it seemed The Accident was proving life changing for many other people too. It was the butterfly theory or whatever it was called, wasn’t it?

  These thoughts made her very uneasy. But they also made her a little curious to know now how the truck driver and his network of family and friends had fared.

  ‘Can you stay the night with me?’ Sam asked.

  ‘Of course. I brought clothes. I can leave from here in the morning.’

  ‘Good. Thanks for everything.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Try and get some sleep.’

  As Hannah lay in the darkness unable to sleep, she thought of how similar this night was to that Christmas night a little over a year ago. Thank goodness she’d had Sam with her then. Hannah doubted she was as capable, but she’d do her best to look after Sam.

  Chapter Eight

  ‘Now, are you absolutely sure you’re going to be okay on your own taking care of the boys?’ Hannah said as she and Sam finished loading the car with pieces to sell at the market.

  Thankfully Sam said she had got some sleep and was feeling much better, as were the boys who were already up and running around the backyard in their pyjamas, chasing the dogs. Nonetheless, Hannah felt uneasy about leaving them.

  ‘Yes, we’ll be fine. Thanks. I’m okay. And as you can see, the boys being sick may have been more about missing their dad and being clingy and not wanting me out of their sight than any actual illness.’

  ‘Okay. Fair enough. But I can always call Caitlin or Joanne to come around. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘I know. Thanks, but I think what we need is a quiet day in, just the three of us. Thanks again for dropping everything and coming around. It really helped.’

  ‘Any time. I’m glad it helped. Remember to keep up with the vitamin C – all of you.’

  ‘Yes, Mum,’ Sam said, hugging Hannah. ‘Good luck for today, and thanks again.’

  ‘Sammy, you need to stop thanking me. It’s my pleasure. You have done the same for me, don’t forget.’

  ‘Well, it’s just that I really appreciate everything you’re doing.’
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  ‘I know you do. Now, I’d better get going.’

  *

  Hannah picked up Jasmine and then Auntie Beth, where she longed to race into her own house and give Holly and Lucky and Squeak a cuddle. She hoped they weren’t feeling abandoned.

  ‘Don’t worry, dear, they’ll be fine,’ Beth said as she climbed in with her picnic basket, clearly catching Hannah wistfully gazing across the road. ‘I popped in again just before to check on them. They had plenty of food and water. And they can wait until this afternoon for another cuddle.’

  ‘Oh thank you. God, I missed them.’

  ‘Hi, Beth,’ said Jasmine.

  ‘Good morning, Jasmine, dear.’

  ‘I love your basket,’ Jasmine said.

  ‘Why, thank you. It was a wedding present from my dear Elliott. We have tea, coffee and sandwiches, as ordered. And a jubilee cake for good measure.’

  ‘You’re wonderful,’ Jasmine said.

  ‘Yes, thank goodness you don’t sleep and I can call you any time of the night and you’re prepared to get up and cook,’ Hannah said.

  ‘It’s nice to feel useful. Now, do tell what’s going on that means the star of the show can’t be with us.’

  ‘Yes, you’ve been very mysterious, Hannah,’ Jasmine said.

  ‘I didn’t want to say anything until it was okay with Sam for me to tell you. So, here’s what’s going on …’

  *

  ‘Oh dear, poor Sam,’ Beth said when Hannah had finished telling them all about Sam’s upheaval.

  ‘Yes, that’s huge,’ Jasmine said.

  ‘We’re not to say anything against Rob – that would really upset her – she still loves him,’ Hannah said.

  ‘Of course she does,’ Beth said. ‘He’s a very lovely man who can’t be blamed for finally being unable to carry on living a lie. Unfortunately tragedy can shine a light on things that need to change.’

  ‘You’re so wise and open-minded,’ Jasmine said with awe.

  ‘For an old duck, you mean, dear?’ Beth quipped. ‘Don’t worry,’ she added, turning from the front seat to look at Jasmine to reassure her. ‘I am an old duck. I live under no illusions. You know, there’s so much pain in the world these days. I look at you kids and it all seems so serious for you. I’m sure at your age we were all having a lot more fun. Your generation seems to have so many more worries.’