by A J Rushby
Silent, I look up at him, not understanding, my eyes searching his. ‘I …’ I begin, shocked.
I can’t say anything else, however, because suddenly, his mouth is on mine.
It takes me a few seconds to register what’s happening.
He’s kissing me.
Steen is kissing me.
Confused, I pull back, and he retreats.
He shakes his head as he begins to explain. ‘I honestly thought I’d lost you. I really did. I thought you’d say yes, like them. I so thought you’d say yes,’ he tells me. ‘But I was wrong.’ He suddenly looks at me in wonderment—almost as if he’s never seen me before. ‘I’m so glad I was wrong.’
I stare back into his green eyes then, greener than I’ve ever seen them before against his scrubs. I thought I’d lost him as well. When he’d told me who’d replaced me and then Emily didn’t want to tell me anything about her … It’s me who grabs him now. I pull him back down to me and kiss him this time, harder, his lips firm and warm and unbelievably against mine again. I bring my hands up to hold the sides of his face, wanting all of him close to me at once. To make up for lost time. To make up for everything I’ve missed. Wires jostling against wires, he pulls me in even tighter, as if he’ll never let me go. Not again. Not ever.
Before I know it, the tears are rolling down my face again. I can’t stop them, even though I wipe them away.
It’s then that Steen sees the blood on my hand.
‘Miri! You’re bleeding!’
I bring my hand up to my head. ‘I know. I had an altercation. With Lauren.’
‘You can’t be serious. What do you mean? She hurt you?’
‘She pushed me. She was threatening me. To change my mind.’
‘That’s it.’ Steen stalks off towards the red emergency button on the wall.
‘No!’ I run over and grab his arm. ‘No, don’t. We need to think. Some of the things she said …’
‘Like what? What did she say?’
‘Just that the Society might not look favourably on us turning down their offer. Maybe she’s right.’
Steen thinks about this. As he does, he touches my jaw, turning my head a little so he can inspect whatever it is Lauren did to my head.
‘It’s a tiny cut. I don’t think it needs glueing at all. Stay here,’ he says. He runs into the bathroom and brings back a wet washer.
As he wipes my hand and dabs at my head, I keep talking.
‘My dad. He guessed where I was going over the summer vacation and he warned me. He pretty much told me he used to be a member of the Society and that he got out.’
Steen brings the washer down as his eyes search mine. ‘What? He didn’t try to persuade you to leave?’ But before I can even answer, he laughs. ‘Of course he didn’t. Because he knew you wouldn’t listen.’
I don’t rise to his bait, because my eyes are already spilling over again. ‘The thing is, I can’t stop thinking about what’s happened and coming back to my mom. What if they lied? What if she died down here?’
Steen dries my tears and then pulls me to him so I’m held fast. ‘No. Your dad would know.’
I’m not sure that’s true either. Or maybe he does and he’s lying to protect me? ‘I don’t know, but I think they’re covering all sorts of things up. Apparently there was a youth experimenter who died of a heart condition, but Lauren hinted that wasn’t really what happened. And what if she’s right? What if no wasn’t the answer the Society wanted from us? What if Marcus takes that answer back to whoever’s in charge and they don’t like it?’
‘Lauren’s just scared that if one of us says no they’ll pull the offer. You’ve got to keep calm. Remember you’re not entirely yourself.’
It’s then that I feel how warm Steen is. Too warm. His lips are too warm. His face. His hands as well.
I look up at him. ‘Steen. You’re way too hot.’
‘Well, thank you.’ He raises one eyebrow.
‘It’s not funny.’ I reach up and wipe his forehead. Oh, wow, he’s really sweating. ‘You need that appendix out now.’
It’s as if I’ve made him remember his altered condition, because he takes a slight step sideways now, off balance. ‘Here, sit down,’ I tell him. I guide him over and sit him down upon my bed and then kneel down in front of him. I give him a good once over then, feeling his forehead. Running my hands down his bare arms. And, oh … he’s worse than I thought. He’s hidden it well, I can see that now.
‘I just have to hang on a bit longer,’ he says.
‘How much longer?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe a few more hours.’
‘No. It’s too long. Everything’s changed …’ I shake my head.
‘We should just leave. Seriously. It’s not worth it.’
I freeze, my hands still on his arms. ‘But your appendix. There’s no time to leave. And I’m scared if we asked … would they even let us?’
‘I don’t know. But we can’t stay. Not like this. Not with what’s going on. Even staying means we have a part in it, doesn’t it? And I can’t. I won’t. I’ve thought about it and I’ve got to do something.’
Slowly I nod. I know what he means. But if we can’t leave and can’t stay, what can we do? The Society is obviously okay with this scenario. As is Marcus, who might not be entirely behind it, but is willing to toe the party line, which I take as the same thing. The only people who seem to think there’s an issue at all are Steen and me.
Steen looks at the f loor, a frown creasing his brow. ‘The thing is, I’ve got to do something. I know I have to. The question is, what?’
ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN HOURS AWAKE
My next round of testing being due to start, Steen leaves. At first I’m hesitant about keeping on going with my experiment, especially after I show him my tremor, which is getting steadily worse, as are my dizzy spells, but Steen encourages me to continue. After all, we don’t have a plan yet. Until we do, everything needs to carry on as normal.
I’ve taken my drugs and have almost finished my round of testing when everyone in my lab begins to notice the raised voices outside. They get louder and more insistent as the minutes pass, until it’s obviously quite a heated disagreement that’s going on outside. I race through my final three tests so I can go and see what’s happening.
As it turns out, it’s Lauren, Andrew and Steen arguing in the corridor outside the labs.
When I see Lauren, I don’t leave the safety of my doorway.
Steen turns to me. ‘Lauren’s just told me what her proposal is. She’s going to attempt to reanimate as many parts of his body as she has time for. Concentrating particularly on his spinal cord. She’s put it in her application early. Can’t wait to get started, obviously.’ He shakes his head, his attention moving back to Lauren then. ‘Would you want someone to do this to your body?’
‘No,’ Lauren says. ‘But I’m not dead, am I?’
‘You’re disgusting. You don’t actually have a conscience, do you?’
‘Stop being so emotional,’ Lauren counters, her dark eyes flashing. ‘Why not use his body? He’ll never know. He’ll feel nothing. It’s wasteful not to use it. Think of all the people that might benefit from my being offered this opportunity.’
‘Surely we’re all organ donors, or have decided to leave our bodies to science?’ Andrew adds, weakly.
‘It’s not the same,’ Steen says, through gritted teeth. ‘And you know it. You must see that. Anyway, neither of your proposals has been accepted and, tick tock, time’s moving on, isn’t it?’
With a wave of one hand, Andrew walks off.
‘This is the opportunity of a lifetime,’ Lauren says when he’s gone, her voice cold. ‘If you can’t see that, maybe you need to be made to.’
‘Oh, really? And how are you planning on doing that?’ Steen says. ‘Going to beat me up too?’
Lauren’s mouth twists as if she finds this amusing. ‘You know, I think I should speak to Marcus again. I met with him before and w
e discussed at length your being in and out of each other’s labs. Who knows what you are talking about? Planning? Perhaps you shouldn’t be allowed to leave your lab if you’re only going to discourage Andrew and myself.’
There’s a look on her face that makes the blood run cold through my body. That’s her plan. To get Marcus on her side and to keep us locked down for the rest of our time here. Locked down and quiet so she has free rein down here. And she thinks she can get the Society on her side too.
Marcus rounds the corner at this point looking tired and dishevelled once more. I seriously doubt he’s had any sleep at all. ‘I’ve just heard there’s some sort of a disagreement going on,’ he says as he approaches us.
‘You could say that.’ Steen doesn’t take his eyes off Lauren.
‘Perhaps if you could return to your lab, Lauren? I’ll come and see you in a moment.’
Lauren gives Marcus a pointed look before turning on her heel and starting down the corridor.
‘If the three of us could talk in your lab, Miri.’ Marcus nods to the door behind me.
‘Of course.’ As Steen passes by me, I give him a warning look. I don’t want him to say too much. I don’t trust Marcus.
Thing One and Thing Two are still busy inside, inputting some data. When they see Marcus, they both stand. ‘Should we leave?’ Thing One says.
‘No, please, carry on.’ Marcus waves a hand. ‘We won’t be a moment.’
Looking unsure, they both sit back down again, but continue on with their tasks.
Meanwhile, remaining close to the door, Marcus looks at Steen first, then at me. ‘Is there something you’d like to discuss? You don’t want to change your minds?’
Steen and I look at each other. ‘No, we don’t want to change our minds. I mean, I don’t. Do you?’ He glances at me.
‘No.’
‘You’ll be continuing on with your own experiments then,’ Marcus continues.
Steen pauses momentarily, his gaze flicking to meet mine. ‘Yes. Yes, that’s right.’
Thing One and Thing Two approach.
‘There’ll be a change of shift after this,’ Thing One reminds me as she passes by.
‘Thanks,’ I tell her as they both leave, the door closing behind them.
‘I don’t think the Society should allow it.’ Steen’s words spill out as soon as the door closes. ‘The experimentation on the fifth student. I’d like to have that on the record. You know and the Society knows that this student has an ethical right to decide what happens to his body and that this needs to have been documented. You can’t make that decision for him. It’s the same as any of the horrific experiments of the past. From the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment to the Aversion Project in South Africa—I can’t believe the Society would sanction it. This is a real human being we’re talking about. You don’t own him. He’s not your plaything.’
I close my eyes for a second, feeling dizzy again. And, ugh, I knew it. I knew Steen wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut. I know a little about both of these experiments. The Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment studied syphilis in African American men in the 1930s. They were never told what the study was about and when penicillin became available in the 1940s and it was known that it was a treatment for syphilis, they weren’t given the drug. This meant that many of them died or passed on the disease to their wives and children right up until the 1970s, when information was leaked to the press and the experiment ended.
The Aversion Project occurred in apartheid-era South Africa when national service was compulsory and it was a crime to be homosexual. Many homosexuals in the armed services were sent to Ward 22, where they received electric shock treatment and hormone treatment in an attempt to ‘cure’ them.
Steen and I glance at one another, waiting for Marcus’s reply.
But it’s the way he can barely look at us that tells me the truth. ‘She got to you, didn’t she? You think Lauren’s right.’ I’d been hopeful that Marcus was on our side—Steen’s and my side—but, no. He isn’t. It’s only that he doesn’t want to say anything because he’s not supposed to sway our decision. He’s supposed to be impartial.
Marcus only takes a step back. ‘I’ll pass your concerns along. Is there anything else?’
‘No,’ Steen says, firmly. ‘That’s all.’
With this, Marcus leaves.
Steen and I stare at the closed door when he’s gone.
‘What scares me,’ Steen says, ‘is that somewhere there’s a room full of Laurens who are controlling all of this.’ He runs a hand through his hair and exhales. ‘I can’t believe it. It’s like … It’s like a bad dream.’ He winces then, his abdomen clearly hurting.
‘You can’t go on like this,’ I say to him.
‘Just five more minutes.’
‘Very funny. At least try to get some sleep.’ As I say this, I have to fight hard to remember what time of day it is and if what I’m saying is correct. I’ve lost track now, days and nights blending into one.
‘I can’t sleep,’ Steen tells me.
I grab his elbow and begin leading him slowly across the lab and over into my bedroom. I sit him down on the bed and when he still doesn’t look any better, I take both of his shoulders and guide him so he’s lying down, his head on the pillow.
The fact that he doesn’t argue makes me quite sure he’s really feeling sick now.
‘Just close your eyes,’ I tell him, my hand wiping his forehead. ‘Take some deep breaths.’
He closes his eyes and I smooth his hair back, letting my hand rest on his head. I don’t say anything more, but sit and watch him instead, thinking about what he’s just said to Marcus. He’s right. So right. What Lauren and Andrew are proposing is tantamount to torture.
As I continue to smooth Steen’s hair from his face, I see how lucky I am that he’s here to show me this clearly. I also see all the terrible choices I’ve made in the past. The hasty decisions. Like my running from college. I should have trusted him. I should have trusted myself. How could I have put my faith entirely in an organisation that exists in the shadows and so readily leave behind the one person who lit up my entire life?
Let’s face it. I know why. I was desperate to be as great as my mom.
Steen’s eyes flicker open now to look at me and I can’t help but voice my thoughts.
‘I should never have run,’ I tell him.
He smiles back at me. ‘What can I say?’
‘How about I told you so?’
He laughs. ‘Yeah, well, I told you so.’
I bend down then and kiss him softly and gently, his bottom lip lingering between mine. I’ve missed him so much. Every inch of him. Every smell, every touch, every taste. As our kiss deepens, he reaches up behind me and pulls me closer, down on top of him, but then he moans in pain.
I immediately pull back. ‘That’s it,’ I say, holding his head in my hands. ‘The appendix comes out now.’
‘But what are we going to do about Ryan? And what if Lauren really does manage to get you locked up?’
‘I don’t know, but leave it to me. I’ll try to think of something. The most important thing is that appendix comes out.’ Steen looks like he’s going to start arguing, so I cut him off. ‘Now. You’re no good to me dead.’
‘Thanks,’ he replies. ‘I think.’ He sounds miserable, knowing he doesn’t have much choice here. ‘Promise me you’ll be careful.’
‘I promise. So, how long since you’ve eaten?’
‘Haven’t been able to face food all day,’ he says, as I rest his head back down on the pillow.
It’s then that I see the book sticking out beneath it and remember what’s in its pages. I consider telling him what’s inside, then think better of it. He’s too sick to worry about it right now. Instead, I pull the book out from under the pillow and place it in the drawer in the bedside table.
‘Are you ready?’ I ask him.
He can only nod. But after a moment or two, he grabs for my hand. ‘I didn’t care, you k
now. If they found out. I didn’t mind. I would have given it all up—the Society, I mean. It didn’t matter to me.’
‘You’re delirious,’ I tell him.
He tugs at my hand harder, pulls me back to him. ‘No, I’m not.’ He kisses me again. ‘I’m not. It’s the truth. I never believed in it like you did. I would have been fine without them. We both would have.’
I believe him now. If only I’d believed him then.
My eyes not moving from his for a second, I reach up and push the red emergency button beside the bed.
I can’t lose him ever again.
ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN HOURS AWAKE
Just as it had done with Ryan, the emergency alarm sounds and everyone comes running. Marcus is in my bedroom in less than a minute.
‘It happened after you left,’ I say. ‘He started to look terrible.’ Steen’s face is a deathly white now and beads of sweat gather at his brow. He’s been holding himself together for far too long.
Marcus turns to the masked medical staff who have gathered behind him. ‘Right, let’s get this appendix out. Theatre one.’
A trolley is wheeled in beside my bed and Steen is lifted onto it with a ‘one, two, three’. He barely opens his eyes and when he does, he can’t focus on anything for very long before closing them again.
Steen is wheeled from the room and I follow the convoy through the lab and into the corridor. I see Andrew and Lauren further down, in front of their labs, but say nothing to them.
Outside the door to the pre-operative holding area, I give Steen’s hand a surreptitious squeeze. ‘I’ll check in on you,’ I tell him. He squeezes my hand in return.
And then he’s gone, the doors swinging closed behind him.
I make my way back to my lab, Lauren and Andrew still standing in the corridor where they were before.
‘His appendix?’ Andrew asks.
I don’t answer him and I don’t look at Lauren, instead swiping my card and entering my lab once more.
I go back to my bedroom and sit down on my bed, picking up my pillow to see if it still smells like Steen.
