by Riley Storm
“You haven’t been taught that. You don’t know what your power is capable of, how to use it, and—most importantly—how to not use it. All your inner being knows, is that you suddenly have been given a taste of this power, of this ability to not be pushed around anymore, and you like it. As would anyone. That doesn’t make you evil. It makes you human. As long as you want to control it, as long as you work to not let it rule you, then you’re still better than all the people that have accused you otherwise, and I will argue that with every breath in my body, no matter to whom, even if it’s you!” he finished with a fierce snarl, driving his point home.
“Oh. That makes a lot of sense,” she admitted.
Kasperi smiled, then reached out for her hand. She took it, and he lifted her to her feet.
Pop.
She turned, recognizing the distinct sound of a rent opening. The Magi stepped back into the room, looking pleased.
“Good,” he said, clapping his hands together, voice echoing out from under the hood of the robe he seemed to always be wearing. “Let’s go again.”
Amber opened her mouth, but Kasperi stepped forward, still holding her hand. “No,” he said, speaking first, and speaking with authority. “That’s it. We’re done for the day.”
Giving her hand a tug, he led her from the room. Amber fell in step with him, her short legs doing double duty for every one of his strides. They walked in silence for a bit, his hand holding hers, neither of them saying anything. Amber kept replaying the memory in her mind of that moment right before the magic cut off.
It had been firmly in control, twisting her desires, making them its own. She’d wanted to avoid Kasperi, but it had seen him as a threat to itself, and so it had attacked. She’d screamed at it impotently, locked in her own mind. Yet somehow, he’d come closer and closer, until she was staring into his eyes, watching his face.
Then he was kissing her. She remembered what it felt like. His hand on the back of her neck, strong fingers pushing through her hair. The searing heat of his lips as he covered her mouth with this. Strong, hungry, raw. He was all of those and more. On some level, Amber accepted that she’d like it. She, not the void inside her, but Amber, had enjoyed being kissed by him.
Great. Is this some sort of Stockholm syndrome bullshit? Or do I actually like being kissed by this guy?
No, it couldn’t be the former, she decided. Because she actually trusted Kasperi. He wasn’t the one keeping her prisoner. He was one the keeping her safe from her jailers. Of all the shifters living in the Manor, he was the only one actively trying to help her get to the point she would be allowed to leave. Even if it meant that he might never see her again, he was helping her. Kasperi was definitely different.
Giving silent thanks to the gods of fate for allowing Kasperi to be the first one to find her that day, she stayed close to his side. He was her protector. Together, they’d gone from being enemies, to being allies. Perhaps even a little more than that, she thought, touching her bare lips with her other hand, remembering the slight scratch of his stubble, the strength of his body as he held her tight.
Kasperi came to a stop. Looking up, Amber blinked in surprise. They were already back in the quarters, in her sanctuary, where she could let her guard down and just be herself. Where she could do what she wanted.
“No, please don’t,” she said as he moved to step away from her. “I…just stay?”
The tightness around his eyes eased, and he nodded silently, following her as she walked to the couch, kicking off her shoes as she went. His boots left a trail behind him. Amber pushed him down onto the couch, and then slipped into the crook of his body. They lay comfortably facing inward, her face at his level.
“It’s okay,” he said, flashing a smile, thinking that was what she needed to be told.
“I know,” she replied. “You make it okay. Thanks to you, I am okay.”
He blushed slightly at the compliment, but Amber wasn’t done. Leaning in, she kissed him. Softly, tentative, unsure of it, she held back at first. But he was so warm, so inviting, and as her lips parted to let him in, she fell into him.
Hands found shoulders and sides, hips, and even the thick mass of his bicep. They touched as they kissed, gentle, calming strokes, exploring the wonder of touch, of what it was like to simply be with one another.
Neither pushed. Amber wasn’t ready for more, and Kasperi never made a move to try and take it either. He was uncanny like that, able to pick up on her slightest change in body language and respond, keeping her calm and relaxed. There was an extra twinkle in his eye, visible perhaps in the slight dilation of his pupils, or perhaps in the way his gaze kept moving about her face, drinking in every detail.
He’d wanted this, thought about it beforehand. Amber felt caught by surprise at the sudden closeness between them, but not Kasperi. He’d been…anticipating it? Waiting on her to be ready, perhaps, though she couldn’t put a finger on it. What wasn’t he telling her?
“Getting hungry?” he asked, teasing her with a soft finger to her stomach as it rumbled loudly between them.
“Maybe,” she admitted lazily, enjoying the pattern his finger traced down her neck, across her shoulder and along her arm.
“I’ll go get us some food,” he said, leaning in and pressing his lips to her forehead. “What are you feeling like having?”
“Surprise me,” she said, rolling onto her back as he climbed over her to get off the couch. A yawn abruptly struck and she clamped a hand to her mouth, stretching in time with it.
“That’s a recipe for disaster,” he joked. “But I’ll see what I can do. No complaints though.”
She giggled and nodded her understanding. She wasn’t about to tell him, but any of the food would be fine. After months of living on next to nothing, the food at the Manor was still the closest thing to heavenly she could think of.
He flashed a wink and then was gone, the door closing behind him with a dull click. Then she was alone.
“What have you done?” she asked herself, lying back onto the couch, staring at the ceiling and the beautiful crown molding in the corners with its intricate carved detail and multiple levels, all made from fine grain dark-stained wood.
She’d let him in. That was what she’d done. Opened the gates of her defenses and let him come walking in, thinking it was safe, without realizing what it meant for either of them. There was danger at every corner.
Kasperi might be right. The darkness in her might not be her fault. It may be within everyone. In that same context though, he was right. The darkness was there, and it was powerful, and currently uncontrollable. It had lashed out at him once, nearly killing him, all while she was trying to protect him. The…thing, that lived deep inside her, it had a mind of its own, its own urges. She couldn’t trust it.
And Kasperi couldn’t trust her. Not now, not until she was positive that the darkness brooding inside her wouldn’t kill him when given the chance. She would never be able to live with that sort of guilt. She had to pull back, to keep him at an arm’s distance. Kasperi would see that, he would understand, no matter how painful. It wasn’t because she wanted to.
It was for his own good.
18
Arms laden with bags of takeout, Kasperi had to actively force himself not to whistle as he returned to his quarters.
It was tough to keep his happiness down, however, and in lieu of that he found himself humming along, a smile plastered on his face, ignoring the strange looks he got from his fellows. None of that mattered right now. He’d broken through. They’d made a breakthrough!
To say that he’d been fearful about her reaction to being kissed, despite the situation, was an understatement. There was no rhyme or reason to why that of all things was the option he’d chosen to stop her, not without spilling the beans about Kincaid and what he’d seen between them. Amber wasn’t ready to hear that, to deal with that. She needed to sort herself out first, then she could consider him.
That didn’t mean they could
n’t become close. In fact, he hoped they would. All it meant was that he had to hold back information about knowing she was his mate, about them being destined to be together forever. That sort of pressure was a burden he could bear for her, until she was ready to hear it, to understand it. Until then, he would do his best to ensure she could focus solely on herself.
How far things progressed now would be up to her. Kasperi wasn’t going to push, to try and take something she wasn’t ready to give, despite how much he wanted it. Wanted her. It was tough, holding back, keeping his desires and urges in check so that he didn’t overwhelm her, but he’d fought down all signs of his burning lust for her, including staying calm and relaxed physically.
If she wanted to come to bed with him, Kasperi wouldn’t say no, but she had to make the first move. She had to show him that it was what she wanted, not what she was willing to do for him. It was an important difference on many levels.
“It’s me,” he announced with a knee to the door before reaching out awkwardly with bags around his wrist to twist the handle, giving her time to do whatever before he came back in.
Opening the door with a grin, his eyes went to the couch, where he’d left her. She wasn’t there, but that didn’t faze him. Instead, he saw she was in the study, looking at a book. Her face rose and graced him with a smile.
Kasperi flashed a grin back before swiftly turning to the small kitchenette off to his left. Ostensibly, he did it to start laying out the variety of dishes he’d procured, but in reality, it was to hide the frown on his face. Something was different. He could sense it. Taste it even. Yet he couldn’t quite identify what it was.
A second later, she spoke, a simple greeting as she came over to the table, and then he had it. The walls were back in place. Whatever vulnerability she’d shown, the closeness they’d had, it was back in the box now. Unavailable and closed off.
Kasperi cursed himself mentally for leaving, instead of bringing her with him. He should never have done that. What had happened while he was gone? Could it have been the Asps? Had one of them come and threatened her while he was absent?
“Did anyone come by while I was gone?” he asked, trying to sound casual, keeping his distance as he set out container after container.
“No.” She stood next to a chair, staring at the various options. “Did you order one of everything?”
He laughed, trying to sound relaxed. He failed. “No, but it was close. I wanted to make sure there was something you liked.”
“This looks good,” she said, opening a large container that had seared chicken, veggies and all the other fixings necessary to make tortillas.
Kasperi looked on wistfully as she stole his lunch. The one meal he’d gotten for himself, and it was the one she’d latched onto.
“Glad I found something,” he said, torn between going to get himself another serving from the kitchen and simply laughing it off and eating his choice of what was left.
“Something wrong?” she asked picking up on the twinge in his voice. Glancing at him, then at the container, she must have understood. “I took your meal, didn’t I?”
Now he did laugh. “Enjoy. I’m not going to go hungry.”
“Kasperi,” she said softly, trying to push it back, but he wasn’t having it. “Absolutely not. Though,” he said, opening a burger box. “If you try and take any of my fries, then we’re going to have a problem.”
The joke got through to her and she laughed and pulled the container back in front of her. “If you’re sure.”
“Positive. I’ll just make sure to get two of whatever I want to eat next time.”
She pouted slightly, but didn’t offer him the tray a second time. They both dug in, eating their first few bites quickly before slowing.
“Can I ask you something?” he said, trying to gently broach a subject that had been tugging at his curiosity for days now.
“You can always ask,” she said politely. “I might not answer, but you can always ask.”
“Okay.” He hesitated for a moment, then forged ahead. He’d come this far, backtracking now would be silly. “Can you tell me a bit more about what you were like…before?”
“Before.” It wasn’t a question, just an echoed repetition. “Before I started thinking I was nuts from magic.”
“Yeah, but that’s too much of a mouthful.”
She smiled. “Lazy.”
Kasperi kept silent, but his lips curled upward. She was lost deep in thought even as she spoke to him, and the last thing he wanted to do was interrupt that.
“I was always into food, growing up. At a young age, I learned to cook. It was a passion of mine. The tastes and flavorings, I wanted to see just what I could do with it. Eventually, I went to culinary school. A nice one. Worked my ass off for scholarships to be able to afford it.”
Sitting back, he watched her face, seeing the memories of these times etched in her features. The drive that pushed her to apply for every grant and bursary available, was visible in the way she clenched her jaw. The passion for life and food was apparent in the fullness of her mouth and the way it formed every word with care, ensuring she got it just right.
Deeper, he saw hurt, however, a pain that couldn’t be explained by anything she’d revealed to him yet. Something she kept deeper, locked away. Although he wanted to pry deeper, to find the hurt and help heal it, Kasperi bit his tongue. Whatever it was, now was not the time. She didn’t want his help, wasn’t ready for it. Not yet.
“Graduation was when I first started to feel it.”
It. Her magic.
“That’s incredibly old,” he remarked. “I’m astonished. You would have been what, twenty-one? Two?”
“Twenty-three. I took a year off to work. The scholarships didn’t cover everything,” she admitted.
“Most magic comes a little before the onset of puberty. I wonder what could have delayed it so long?”
Amber shrugged. They were both in the dark over this one.
“Anyway, I graduated, got a job here and there as a cook, or a server. Made some connections, one of which led me to a serving job at that high-end restaurant I told you about. It wasn’t cooking, but I wasn’t going to earn that kind of money anywhere else, so I took it. I was good at it. For nine months. Loved it. Met so many people.”
The pain became more etched on her face, twisting her lovely features as she spoke. Kasperi knew where this hurt came from, however. It was the ache of what she’d had, then lost. It was still fresh in her mind.
“Unfortunately, that feeling didn’t stop. It grew stronger. My emotions awoke it, every time I got worked up in any way. Angry, sad, scared, even happy. One day, it got the best of me. I lashed out with it, though at the time I didn’t know it. A prominent guests’ dinner exploded on him. He blamed me. So the wine bottle exploded in his direction as well.”
He longed to reach out, to grab her chin and tilt it back up, to stop her from staring at the floor, but she didn’t want that from him. Not right now. She needed an ear, someone to listen, to understand. Not to hold her. Kasperi would be whatever she wanted. Whatever she needed.
“I sold my stuff, moved. Got another job at another restaurant. Not quite as nice, less pay. Things were fine for three months. Then it happened again. Every time, I tumbled a little farther down. Until I was living in a dive, working at that shithole—Lola’s.” She expelled air heavily through her lips. “In the end, I couldn’t even hold onto that.”
Kasperi hated the haunted tone of her voice. It raked across his nerves. He wanted to share in her pain, to take some of the burden, but he couldn’t. The only thing to do would be to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t know what she possessed, but that wasn’t what Amber wanted right now. Right now, she just needed to be heard.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that alone,” he said slowly, choosing his words carefully. “I can’t imagine, or understand, how you must have felt. I won’t try and pretend like I can relate to it. But you’re h
ere now, and we’re going to help you learn to understand your power. You will be able to live a normal life, if that’s what you choose. I promise you that, by the time you leave, you won’t have to worry about that happening to you again.”
Amber smiled at him politely, but it was empty, guarded. That damn barrier was still there, preventing her from opening up, from allowing him to get close. He hated himself for going to get food, for leaving her alone. They’d had a moment.
Now it was gone, and he needed to figure out how to break through to her once more, before she decided never to let anyone else in again. There was one more question he couldn’t answer. How was he supposed to do that?
19
Another few days passed. The Magi didn’t come to them, and they didn’t go to him.
Despite the moat she’d constructed between them, the pair still spent most of their time together. She would go watch him train in the mornings. He would teach her some basics of how to fight with a sword. Then they went to the library. Kasperi was doing research on his own, and they were reading books that talked more about the practical side of magic, books that had never been proscribed to them by the Magi.
She felt she was starting to learn. One of the texts had a helpful breathing exercise to it, designed to calm a mage down, to help them clear their mind. She practiced it nonstop. Kasperi did as well, though she could tell he felt it was pointless for him, that he would never possess any magic of his own, never be able to call it like she did.
Little does he know it’s a blessing in disguise.
“Certainly looking forward to sunny weather. I’m about done hibernating.”
She scoffed with laughter. “Are you serious right now? You’re only half bear. You don’t hibernate.”
“Maybe not, but I certainly wish I did. Sleep for months on end? Yes please!”
