A Dance in Blood Velvet
Page 54
“I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I. It didn’t happen with Lancelyn, and you’re only the second.”
“You killed a frightened little girl!”
“Yes,” Lilith said with intensity. “I killed her, Holly, but she had to die!” In a quieter voice she asked, “Has it driven you insane?”
“I don’t think so. I feel different, that’s all.”
“This was different. Everything is new, I never know what to expect next...” Lilith was drawing away, mentally and physically. Lost in thought she stood up, becoming the dark goddess again. Holly knew she was leaving, and suddenly could not bear it.
“Don’t go!” she exclaimed, jumping up.
“Why not? A few minutes ago, you were petrified of me.”
“I’m not now. I - I want to know who you are.”
Lilith’s deep eyelids fell, making her eyes two black, feathery curves. She’d become distant in every sense. It seemed to Holly that although she was immortal, she was newborn; not yet in communion with her own nature.
“If you don’t know, who does?” said Lilith. “You bemoan the limitations of your second sight, but you can’t see because you won’t let yourself. You’ve been hiding behind Ben and Lancelyn, as if you need their approval to exist, but you can’t do so any longer. I won’t let you. Don’t you realise you helped to create me? Should I thank you or destroy you?”
Holly couldn’t reply. She could only think of the Book, and her visions of the Dark Bride, of poor Maud, of Andreas pressing his cold lips to her face as he thanked her for the gift of Karl and Katerina. And of vampires coming to her through the dusk as if approaching an oracle...
It was true. Everything Ben and Lancelyn had done, her visions had been the catalyst. Good or evil? Both - but it didn’t matter. The point was to take responsibility for her own visions from now on.
Lilith said more gently, “If I find out what I am, I’ll come back and tell you.” She took Holly’s elbow. “Sit down. Rest. You won’t die, and I don’t think you’ll go mad. But have I given you wisdom?”
Then she leaned forward and kissed Holly on the mouth. Startlingly warm and human, sending a flame of sensation through Holly - but as their lips touched, Lilith dissipated into the air. Holly was alone, staring at a strip of ashen light between the curtains.
Yet all her fear and anguish had gone.
A wonderful drowsiness overcame her, and she curled up on the sofa. The cat jumped up beside her. With one arm over him, his little rough tongue rasping her chin, she slept.
When she woke, it was to dazzling light and loud, excited voices. Sam had fled.
“Holly! Oh my God, look at the blood! Christ, is she alive?”
She shook herself awake, heart pounding. The electric lights were on and Ben was leaning over her, alarmed. Her shock passed and she sat up, easing her stiff limbs. Andreas was beside him but she only felt surprised to see him, not afraid. The drowsy calmness was still inside her and it felt delicious.
“Darling, thank goodness you’re all right! I thought -”
“Your Black Goddess paid me a visit,” Holly said languidly.
Benedict was aghast. “What?”
“She told me all about you, Ben. How eager you were to forsake me for a more thrilling companion?”
He looked stunned. He pushed his hair back from his creased brow, glanced at Andreas and back to her. “That’s a lie!”
“Is it? I think she was telling the truth.”
“Is this still about Maud?”
“No,” Holly said, exasperated. “Maud was nothing. All she did was make me see I had good reason to doubt you! It’s nothing to do with her, it’s the way you’ve always treated me. You and Lancelyn both used me to get the knowledge you wanted, then pushed me aside, patronising me. You never took my warnings seriously -but it was all right to hypnotise me when I was distressed, to leave me half-mad with fear while you dealt with more important business. You only love me when it suits you. You and Lancelyn have used me for years, and I suffered it like the child I was. But I’m not a child any more.”
From his expression, she knew that she’d hit the truth. He would never accept it; how many men dared view themselves in such a light? Ben was not deliberately wicked, but something demeaning that lacked all glamour: negligent and selfish.
“God Almighty,” said Ben. “Don’t go crazy on me, Holly. I’ve had all I can take.”
“I am not crazy. I’ve never felt more reasonable. Lilith didn’t hurt me. Quite the opposite.”
“But the blood! And the marks on your neck! The state she left Lancelyn in - She could have killed you, anything!”
Holly retorted, “But you left me here at her mercy.”
He gaped; she rose and pushed past him. In the mirror over the fireplace she looked at her sallow face, untidy hair, the faint crescent-bruises on her neck; she looked awful, but she’d never felt more clear-headed.
“I’m sorry,” said Ben with genuine contrition. “I wasn’t thinking straight. I had to go to Lancelyn, I had to...”
“There seem to be many things you’ve had to do at my expense.”
Andreas looked over her shoulder; she met his lovely jade-green eyes in the mirror. “But we’re back, Holly. Don’t be angry, mein Schatz.”
“What do you mean, ‘we’?”
“Don’t you want me to stay?” There was of note of surprise in the soft, seductive voice. “I have nowhere else to go... and I love you both.”
Turning cold, she laughed in amazement. She saw Andreas exactly as he was: an alluring pearlescent shell whose charm masked a self-obsessed ego. A vampire in every sense, who would feed not only on their blood but on their minds, their relationship, their very selves.
“You can’t possibly stay. Your kind of love would kill us.”
She felt cool-headed as she spoke, untouched by Andreas’s dismay. And for Ben, for the first time, she felt nothing. It was the most exhilarating sense of freedom she’d ever had. No, more than that. Her first sense of freedom!
His approval, Lancelyn’s and even her parents’ approval, no longer mattered.
“So,” she said, turning to Ben, “after everything, you go meekly back to Lancelyn as if it were all a mistake? What did he offer, to make you cave in so easily? Some vague promise of bedding Lilith, and you were ready to abandon me?”
“It wasn’t like that!”
“But you’d already deserted me, hadn’t you, for something more important. You only came back because it went wrong! Well, you needn’t go to the trouble of leaving me, dear. I’m leaving you.”
His face dropped. Suddenly he was the child, and that woke her sympathy. “Don’t say that. Holly, I’m sorry. I’ve been a total fool. I love you.”
“We loved each other once,” she said. “We almost had perfection. Until you staked it through the heart.”
When Ben came to her and hugged her, she broke down. They both wept, because they knew there was no going back, and no reason to argue any more. Eventually Holly pulled away from him and walked blindly out of the room.
His voice followed her, distraught. “When will you come back?”
She paused. “Not before we’re ready to stop acting like children,” she said softly, “and live as grown-ups.”
Later, she closed the front door behind her and stood on the step with her suitcase in one hand and Sam in a cat basket in the other. How sweet the air smelt, how vividly the frosted leaves and rooftiles glistened along the street. She had no idea where she was going. All she knew was that she was free.
* * *
Benedict stood disconsolate in the centre of the parlour as if rooted there. He couldn’t believe she’d gone. Not Holly, who’d always been there for him.
That’s the point, though, isn’t it, he told himself grimly. Because she was always there, I thought there was no limit to how badly I could behave. And she was right, our love has died... and I was too busy chasing Lancelyn even to notice.
He would have changed everything to have her back.
He wanted to scream, to lash out at the cruel powers who’d taken his brother and his wife away. All he did was lean on the mantelpiece, put his head on his hands, and sob until his heart broke.
Andreas stood watching, saying nothing. How broodingly pale he looked... There seemed nothing angelic or inspiring about vampires now, only a shadowy-silver, thirsty darkness.
“That’s it, then,” Ben said eventually. “I really am alone. One minute I have everyone around me, everything happening. The next, deserted. Hard not to feel sorry for oneself.”
Andreas unstoppered a decanter and poured a glass of whisky. “Sit down and drink this,” he said. “I remember how comforting human remedies can be.”
“I don’t want a drink. It won’t help.”
But he let Andreas push him down and give him the glass. “You’re not alone,” Andreas said, sitting beside Ben, crowding him. “You need me now. We need each other. A sip... and a sip.”
He pushed his fingers under Ben’s collar, leaned in and nipped his flesh, taking only a sultry swallow or two of blood. How horrible this is, Ben thought, unable to stop him. How lovely and how horrible.
“Oh, God,” Ben groaned, and closed his eyes.
* * *
There was a hard frost on top of the snow, and the world glittered.
Charlotte stood leaning on the balcony rail, aware of the cold as a pleasant needling as frost dissolved under her bare forearms, melted by the heat of stolen blood in her veins. It was so sweet to be home again... or should have been, but all pleasure was tempered by loss. Relief that Katerina was gone; then guilt, because of Karl’s sorrow. And jealousy, regret, and relief again...
This was not an end. It was only a change.
The Alps stood white against the sapphire sky, and the forest was a cobwebbed fairyland. A huge moon floated above the Jungfrau. She imagined how Salzburg must look with the river frozen, the church spires and domes crisply sugared, ice crusted on the roof and windowsills of Ballet Janacek’s almond-green house; the mountains flowing upwards in white veils all around.
Almost a month had passed since she and Karl had come home. Stefan had seen Rachel, Malik, John and Matthew, and reported that they’d gone their separate ways, dispersing into the ocean of humanity. But no one had seen Violette since the time by the railway line. Charlotte was haunted by premonitions that she would never see her again. A newspaper report brought her worst fears into being: “Mysterious disappearance of world-renowned ballerina.” Madame Lenoir was believed to be suffering from exhaustion; no one knew her whereabouts.
Charlotte was doing her best to let Violette go, as a mother must let go of her child... but it was impossible not to think about her.
Where are you, what are you doing and feeling? I wish I could speak to you, Charlotte thought. I wish you would tell me.
Movement inside the house, a flitting shadow. Not Karl; Charlotte thought it was Ilona, arriving so subtly. Then the glass doors opened, and Violette stood in the doorway, outlined by light. She wore a long, heavily beaded black dress, a white coat trimmed with black fur, white silk lilies in her hair. A creature of crystal and velvet.
Charlotte laughed in pure amazement. “You must have read my thoughts,” she said.
“I can read some people’s. Not yours.”
“I’m so glad to see you. I was afraid I never would.” Charlotte gazed at her, not knowing whether to laugh or cry; simply overwhelmed by pleasure. “You look wonderful.”
“You will be pleased to know I’ve gone back to the ballet. I told them I’d been away for a ‘rest cure’.” Violette’s mouth curved in irony. “They were worried; God, if they only knew! Anyway, I came to give you back your money.”
“What money?”
“The loan after Dans le Jardin. You can’t have forgotten.”
“I don’t want it back.”
“But I can pay it now. With profits.” The flex of her mouth was almost a smile.
“Keep it,” said Charlotte firmly. “Unless you no longer wish to consider me a business partner.”
“What has business to do with anything?” Violette said, her voice low. “We will always be partners in something far darker, whether we like it or not.”
Violette came forward, and Charlotte caught her hands, and they embraced. Violette bowed her head on Charlotte’s shoulder; Charlotte softly folded her hand on the nape of her neck, relishing the glossy richness of her hair. And she longed to kiss the slender throat and taste the intoxicating liquor of Violette’s blood... but the desire was sweeter for being held back.
“I’ll continue to dance,” said Violette. “It’s still all I care about. And you were right, I can dance and dance and never grow tired.”
“I’m so glad. But do your dancers realise that something has happened to you?”
“Of course not. I hide it, as vampires can.”
“Aren’t your doctors astounded at your recovery from an incurable condition?”
“What is my condition now, if not incurable?” Violette gave a soft laugh. “I shall not be seeing any more doctors, believe me.”
“I’m so happy that you’re staying with the ballet.”
Violette drew back and looked at her with serious eyes. “Why? Does it ease your conscience, to know that you haven’t wrecked my life and turned me into a perpetually murderous demon?”
“That isn’t fair.”
“Fair or not... The fact remains that I’ve changed. Yes, I can pretend to be the great Lenoir, and pretend very effectively, even to myself. But when the thirst comes, I am Lilith, and I don’t stop being her until the thist is sated. And I hate it, Charlotte. I hate it.”
Charlotte was silent, still holding her. Then she said, “But is it better than fading away into mortal sickness? Is it a price worth paying, so that you can still dance?”
“You want me to say yes, so you can stop feeling guilty.”
“Don’t play games with me!” Charlotte’s hands tightened. “It doesn’t matter a damn whether I feel guilty or not, to you or to me. You can’t have it both ways. You consented, remember?”
A gleam of vulnerability in her face. “I had no idea it would be like this.”
“Neither did I, nor Karl! No one ever knows, any more than we know what we are when we’re born.”
Violette fell quiet. “I don’t blame you, Charlotte. You did your best for me. It’s God I blame.”
“There is no God!” Charlotte said, exasperated.
“How can you be so sure? Where did the three angels come from, if not from God? Why do I remember events that are meant to be myths?”
“Because the Crystal Ring gave birth to them! Man wasn’t born from God’s mind; God was born from ours. Raqia is swimming with myths and ideas that any vampire can absorb, especially if there’s a resonance with our deepest fears or desires.”
“How can you prove it? Does that make God real or not? The Crystal Ring, you say, is only a sea of dreams, yet it’s real. And so am I, and so were the angels!”
“Are you still afraid of them?”
“No. They have no power over me. And I don’t hate God, or whatever aspect of God seemed real to me, but I can’t love a being that insisted on oppressing me. Yet I can’t escape, can I? Whatever I do I am playing out a role. Lilith, Mother of Vampires,” Violette said contemptuously. “Outcast forever, because there must always be a scapegoat.”
“There is no God,” Charlotte said helplessly. “You’re doing this to yourself, for some reason. If together we try to work out why -”
“What, we’ll all live happily ever after? I don’t think so. But at least the Devil loved me.”
“I don’t think you have ever called me that before.”
“I mean Lancelyn. I regret harming him. He asked for it, wi
th his arrogance... but still, I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s the only one who ever saw me as more than I am... saw me as I could have been. He didn’t dismiss me as a fearful demon, which is how Lilith is seen. He called me Dark Goddess, Cybele, Sophia of hidden wisdom... as if to say that darkness isn’t simply evil, but a gateway leading to knowledge, good and bad. I needed his vision. But he’s gone.”
Charlotte had no idea how to reach Violette or console her. She barely understood her passions and griefs. How could she, or any vampire, cope with the wild spirit of Lilith?
“Do you need his approval to be what you are?”
“No, but I need guidance!” Violette said fiercely. “They call Lilith child-killer, but I must tell you this. An odd thing happened after I left you. I was compelled to find Benedict’s wife Holly. I didn’t even know where they lived, but something led me to her. I nearly killed her; she made me so angry in her submissive devotion to him! But when I drank from her, she neither died nor went mad. Yet part of her died... I believe it was her childlike dependency. I changed her. She sees more clearly, no longer cares blindly for men who have used her.”
“And that includes her husband?” Charlotte was faintly shocked, out of her depth.
“I set her free. At what price I don’t know. That’s the point, the price may have been terrible. I’m not even sure why I had to do it. It was repulsive and painful for us both... but it had to be. I can only let Lilith guide me, you see. Right or wrong, she is all I have.”
Tilting her head, she placed her hand along Charlotte’s cheek and paused as if wanting to ask a question.
“What is it?” Charlotte said.
“You drank my blood, darling. Now I want to drink yours. It’s only fair.”
Charlotte saw malevolent sweetness in Violette’s eyes. Apprehension filled her. God, how do I cope with this monster I’ve made! How bizarre, to love her and yet fear her so deeply. Out of love she wanted to say yes - but a deeper instinct said, No. Don’t let her.
“Does it happen to vampires too?” said Charlotte.
“What?”
“You suggest you killed the infantile aspect of her, the part that needs reassurance and love. What would it do to me?”