Four Years from Home

by Larry Enright

  “That’s not what happened.”

  “Your Honor, we have Beth Williams’ testimony that they were engaged and that he had asked her to leave school and move to Canada with him. It’s a popular spot for draft dodgers, I hear. We also have the testimony of his sister, Mary and brother, Sam stating that it was Tom’s idea for him to go to Kenyon and investigate.”

  “No, that’s not right.”

  “For once, I agree with you, Mr. Ryan. It was not right that you somehow made your younger brother serve out your military obligation at the cost of his life. And it was definitely not right that you then killed him again for your own convenience and gain by faking his suicide.”

  “I should never have let him go. I killed him.”

  “Your Honor, this is a tragedy, to be sure, but not one born of a mental disease severe enough as to make Mr. Ryan innocent by reason of insanity. It was born of fear and cowardice. The state has submitted the reports of three board-certified psychiatrists concluding that Mr. Ryan was fully aware of the consequences of his actions in 1968 and, despite showing signs of severe depression, anxiety, and remorse, is not now and was not then unable to appreciate the wrongfulness of his acts. According to U.S.C. 18, in cases where the defense is insanity, the burden of proof is on the defendant and the evidence must be clear and convincing. The state does not believe the defendant has provided any clear and convincing evidence of either insanity or innocence by reason of insanity and asks, therefore, that the defendant be held over for trial.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Jeffreys. Mr. Canby, do you have a final statement to make before I pass judgment?”

  “Yes, your Honor. I would like to begin by reading for the record the medical definition of schizophrenia, which is the diagnosis of Mr. Ryan’s condition by the expert witness we have provided. And I quote,”

  Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness characterized by a disintegration of the process of thinking, of contact with reality, and of emotional responsiveness. It most commonly manifests as auditory hallucinations, paranoid, or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social or occupational dysfunction. Onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the patient's self-reported experiences and observed behavior. No laboratory test for schizophrenia currently exists.

  “End quote. The important points are that no laboratory test for schizophrenia exists and that the diagnosis is based on the patient’s self-reported experiences and observed behavior. Thomas Ryan has demonstrated by the lengthy and convoluted story that you so patiently and graciously allowed him to tell that he lives a troubled, delusional life. He is absolutely paranoid of everyone and everything around him. His reality is a constantly changing mix of what is actually the case, what he imagines he is doing as the hero of a TV show called Combat!, and what he perceives from his vantage point as the king of his imaginary universe. There is no connection between one event and another and no rhyme or reason for many of the things he does. That is why the psychiatrist has declared him insane and unfit to stand trial. He has demonstrated classic schizophrenia.

  “In addition, while it is true that Tom and Harry switched places and true that Harry Ryan served and died for his country in Vietnam, we do not agree with much of what the prosecution has asserted surrounding those facts. From what we have determined, it was Harry Ryan who approached Tom and told him he was not going to college. It was Harry Ryan who was determined to go into the Army despite the effect it would have on his family. And it was Harry Ryan who Tom tried to save by insanely offering up a boy’s challenge of honor to keep him out of the Army. We do not deny that he had himself tried to avoid the draft for a brief period, but Tom Ryan knew that he had to serve and was ready to serve. And somewhere in that twisted wreckage of delusion and reality, he also knew that sending two boys from the same family to Vietnam would be the wrong thing to do.

  “However the deal was done, it was not done from malice or cowardice. It was done out of one brother’s love for the other. I have a section of interview that I’d like to read. This is Tom speaking to the psychiatrist,”

  But I wasn’t about to let him get the better of me. He might have won the 1, 2, 3 shoot but I had a Plan B. I always have a Plan B. If I had to be Harry for four years, I was going to be the best damned Harry they’d ever seen. I’d be better than Harry. I’d do more in four years than he could ever dream of doing in a lifetime. I’d take everything he ever wanted to do and do it ten times better. Everything. I’d show him. I’d show them all. Then they could all be proud of Harry again and he could rejoin the family.

  What I never told anyone was that I liked being Harry. It actually felt good to be nice to people and have them be nice back — nice to the point where, after a while, I didn’t even have to pretend to be doing it. I had become Harry. I was Harry. I am Harry.

  “And we have all heard the account of his exemplary record at Kenyon — one published novel, numerous distinguished art works, some of which are currently on display at the Cleveland Museum, a 4.0 average, on track for highest honors in his double majors of Art and English, and he was still running his game design business from a library carrel. He was a driven young man, yet he was deeply disturbed. And for four years he had lost himself in the persona of his brother, had totally immersed himself to the point where he thought he was his brother. And when he received word of the death of Thomas Ryan, the fragile fabric of his life unwound.

  “He buried the letter from the Army under a rock in the woods and attempted suicide by jumping from the Kokosing River Bridge, but all he succeeded in doing was injuring and further disorienting himself. Somehow he made his way south and was taken in by a kind waitress. He stayed with her a week, then rented a car and drove back to Pittsburgh for Christmas, all memory of the past four years gone. He had become Tom again, and only Tom. The psychiatrist’s report indicates that he believes that Tom was suffering from traumatic amnesia, which for you and I means that his mind, no longer able to deal with the memories, simply shut them out. He was just Tom Ryan, game designer, Tom Ryan, the sarcastic oldest sibling who at twenty-six was still the bully in the family and still in competition for the title of favorite son. As far as he knew, his brother Harry was at school having totally ignored his family for the four years he was away from home.”

  “I killed him. This is all my fault. I let him go. I could have stopped him. I should have stopped him. It should have been me carrying that satchel charge.”

  “It’s all right, Tom. Let me finish, please.”

  “Don’t bother. I’m ready for the firing squad. But I’d like to be in uniform for this. I’m not a spy and it’s not right to execute a soldier out of uniform.”

  “At ease, sergeant. That’s an order.”

  “All right lieutenant. Have it your way.”

  “I apologize, your Honor.”

  “Continue, Mr. Canby.”

  “When the news came of Harry’s disappearance and presumed drowning at school, Tom was just as shocked as everyone else because he truly did not know. His mind had not yet lowered its defense to allow him back into that dark area of his memory that he had been unable to deal with. Ironically, he was the one chosen to go to Kenyon to find out what had happened. The administration people he met thought he was Harry. Though they were not twins, there was a striking family resemblance that would superficially explain the mistaken identity, but Tom knew there was something wrong. Only his mind was not yet ready to let him see why it was all wrong. So he decided to play along with it and pretend to be Harry.

  “But with each contact with a person he had known as Harry, the fabric of the wall of amnesia was being torn apart thread by thread: first Mrs. Hoople, with whom he had lived for four years, then fellow students, his friend at the pool hall, then finally Beth. And this was all exacerbated by the confrontation with the local police to the point where he snapped and his mind wandered back into one of his fantasy worlds where he was a soldier in World War
II France escaping from the Nazis. But his mind would not let him simply escape. It drove him back to the trestle bridge and back to the letter he had buried weeks before. And after it made him read that letter again, he again tried to kill himself by jumping off the bridge. But this time, the police and his fiancée were there to stop him.

  “Your, Honor, these are not the actions of a sane man trying to avoid the draft. These are the desperate measures of a tortured, deluded mind.”

  “You’re the one who’s crazy.”

  “Tom, please. You shouldn’t say any more.”

  “Why not? This is all wrong. Harry died because of me.”

  “Tom…”

  “Shut up for a minute, will you? I can tell him that, can’t I, your Honor? He is working for me, right?”

  “That is correct, Mr. Ryan, but usually it is wise for a defendant to listen to the advice of his attorney. Anything you say now can affect the judgment I am about to pass.”

  “Good, that’s the way it should be because this is just so wrong, what you’re saying, the two of you — Mr. State and Mr. Canby. You think you know everything. You think you’re so smart and you can piece everything together, and make it make sense. You think because you got one plus one to equal two that you have the answer? You don’t even know what the problem is.

  “Sure I didn’t want to go to Vietnam. But who did? It was a stupid war that we shouldn’t have been in. Every day, the papers had the stories about how many had been killed and how many wounded and how many lost legs and arms and how many had gone nuts. Was I afraid? You’re damned right I was afraid. I was scared shitless. Especially after they sent Bobby Fey home in a body bag. Sure, I did a couple of dumb things to try and get out of it. All my friends did. But one by one, they all went in. I was next and I knew it.

  “I never said a word to Harry about it. There was no way I was going to let that twerp know I was a punk coward. But somehow, he knew. Damn him, why didn’t I stop him?

  “Anyway, I was headed in around the same time he was going off to school. It’s not like I had a choice anymore. The day he left, all he said to Mom and Dad was, ‘Don’t worry about me, Mom, Dad. I'll see you later. I love you.’ I’ll always remember that, but I’ll never forget what he said to me. It was the last thing he ever said to me. He handed me an envelope and said, ‘You’ll need this where you’re going. Good-bye, Tom.’ I just figured it was some kind of gag he was pulling, you know, something stupid to take with me when I went into the Army, so I just threw it on my dresser.

  “I didn’t open it until the next day. I think I was missing that stupid kid already. Inside there was a letter, his driver’s license and his birth certificate. The letter was pretty simple. I remember it word for word.”

  Dear Tom,

  You’re afraid of what is to come, but you shouldn’t worry. God looks out after us all. I know you don’t believe that, but He does, especially in times like this when you think you are facing death. I’ve been praying to Him for guidance and this was the answer to my prayer. I’m going to take your place in the Army. I’ve taken your passport and birth certificate and left you two pieces of identification you will need when you go to Kenyon. I’ll be you and you’ll be me. Four years from home. That’s not so long. Make the most of it, you big oaf.

  Love,

  Harry