by Clare Ashton
“You’re not kidding.”
“Although,” Juliette’s eyes narrowed. “I could have sworn you admired my plunging neckline.”
“You have a nerve,” Maggie muttered.
“Well did you? Did Mrs Goodman perhaps sneak a glimpse of my chest?”
“Shut up.”
Juliette laughed that beautiful mirth so that Maggie had to kiss her. She traced a finger around Juliette’s chest.
“You do have the most appealing breasts. I always thought them the perfect size and shape. And your gravity-defying bosom is still wonderful today.”
Juliette laughed again, this time a good hearty one.
“You haven’t done badly yourself, Mrs Goodman.” Her expression softened, “Still my beautiful Maggie. So severe and intimidating one moment, so loving the next.” She caressed her forehead where Maggie realised there must be creases of time. “You have become more formidable with age, and it’s very sexy.”
“Really?” Maggie said, her tone heavy with disbelief.
“Really,” Juliette shot back. “It speaks of experience and maturity. And for some things experience, shall we say, makes things interesting.” Maggie knew what she insinuated. “Of course, vigour and gusto can get you a long way,” Juliette insinuated some more, “but apparently you still have those too.” Her grin was ecstatic.
Maggie grumbled.
“Do you remember,” Juliette’s smile faded from her face, “the last time we did this?”
She stroked down Maggie’s cleavage then circled her tummy, tracing the thin pale lines remaining from her stretch marks.
“I know we should expect the odd senior moment these days.” Maggie tutted. “But dear God woman, it was only half an hour ago. Of course I remember the last time we did it.”
“Maggie,” Juliette growled. “You know what I mean.”
Yes, she did, and they both watched Juliette’s finger trail around Maggie’s flat tummy. Juliette lay her head on Maggie’s stomach for a moment. “I’m sorry,” she murmured and she kissed her. “You looked so beautiful.”
Maggie lifted Juliette’s face to her, hating to see her melancholy. “This may amuse you,” Maggie said wanting to cheer her. “Eli, the cheeky bastard, when he was fifteen, asked me if women could have sex when they were pregnant.”
“It doesn’t surprise me. He loves to shock almost as much as you do.”
Maggie indulged in a look, but otherwise ignored the comment. “I thought I’d reward his impertinence with an unnecessary level of detail. So I told him: women could, were more likely to want to and when they did it was so gripping your belly went hard right up to your tits. In fact it was the most incapacitating orgasm possible.”
Juliette stared at her, mouth hanging open. “You told him that?” Then, “Of course you told him that. Was he appalled?”
“Very satisfyingly so. Shut the little bugger up for a while.”
Juliette giggled.
“Of course, he told the whole school the next day.”
And Juliette burst out laughing. “Eli is more than your match.” And she stroked around Maggie’s tummy. Suddenly she looked tired.
“Are you OK?” Maggie asked.
Juliette nodded slightly. “You?”
“I feel exhausted.”
“This visit has proved more of a journey than I anticipated. Perhaps more so for you, with Jude and Abby to come to terms with. ”
“I will talk to her and support them, and apologise too,” Maggie replied, having to breathe in sharply to calm her nerves. “Maybe Abby first. More often I seem to be able to reach her than Jude.”
“Jude will come round. She is a reasonable woman and won’t reject an olive branch when she sees one. Not dispassionate by any means, but ultimately reasonable, unlike her hot-headed mother.”
This time Maggie did give Juliette a firm nudge beneath the bed clothes.
“Hmm,” Juliette purred. “Be careful where you touch, Mrs Goodman. We may have to start all over again.”
“Oh don’t,” Maggie said. “I’m tired.”
She did feel exhausted, the current familial predicament now weighing heavily on her.
“Hold me,” she said, and Juliette drew her close, Maggie resting her cheek on Juliette’s chest.
“It will be all right,” Juliette soothed. “Jude knows your value to Abby. She will listen, no matter how much you tell them, whether an apology and support for their relationship or everything about us.”
Maggie’s heart twinged again. It felt like she’d carried a stone in her chest this last day.
“Jude hates me,” she said.
“No she doesn’t. She’s frustrated by you and who can blame her? She doesn’t understand you. How could she, not knowing you?”
Maggie averted her eyes, afraid she would cry if she caught Juliette’s gaze.
“And look at Eli,” Juliette continued. “He dotes on you. Even though you freak him out with stories of orgasmic pregnancies. And Abby has an affection for you that fills my heart whenever I see it.”
Maggie held Juliette tighter, grateful for her presence and wondering how it might have been over the years to have had her understanding lover closer.
“Get some sleep.” Juliette squeezed her. “I will hold you all night.”
Maggie closed her eyes, anxieties and fatigue flooding her head in swirls of colour and darkness.
“I love you,” she whispered at last, then drifted off in dreams.
Maggie woke warm beneath the duvet and to the mellow sound of Debussy. The bed dipped next to her as Juliette sat down. She was already showered and immaculate in a cream dress.
“Do you need to leave?”
“No, not yet,” Juliette said, smiling. “We have a little while. Here,” she said, offering a steaming mug. “Fresh coffee.”
Maggie shuffled up in bed and gratefully accepted her drink, arranging the duvet over her breasts.
“I’ve ordered some croissants and other pastries. They should be here in a moment.”
Maggie smiled at the indulgence and at Juliette’s impeccable beauty beside her in bed.
“I like this,” Maggie said. “Seeing you in the morning.”
“Me too. I hate to leave today.” Juliette reached out and cupped Maggie’s cheek. “Promise you will look after yourself. You’ve been under a lot of strain.”
“I will. Except for facing my estranged daughter, divorcing a husband, arranging a wedding, battling my neighbour and the council about housing and trying to get Ludbury to feed itself, all while trying to generate enough income to crawl towards retirement.”
“Good,” Juliette said, with a smile. “As long as it’s only that.”
A knock came at the door.
“That was quick,” Juliette said. “One moment please,” she called out.
Maggie put down the coffee and slid out of bed. She quickly dressed in her underwear, shirt and jeans and sat on the window seat as a respectable guest. She crossed her legs and put on a neutral expression before Juliette opened the door.
“Thank you,” Juliette started, but Maggie could see it wasn’t room service. The door opened to the expectant faces of Jude and Abby.
Chapter 41.
“Hi, we wanted to catch you before…”
The words died on Jude’s lips.
For a few moments, no-one moved – Juliette, her arm still holding the door open, Abby behind Jude’s shoulder, and Jude staring at Maggie’s bare feet, her bed hair, her makeup softened by the night.
Abby was the first to recover. “Sorry.” She reached for Jude’s arm. “We can call back later. We’re sorry to intrude.”
“What the hell?” Jude stepped into the room. “What’s going on, Mum?” Her voice was quiet. Injured.
Maggie’s hands shook as she clasped them in her lap. “Hi, Jude. Hello, Abby.” She didn’t want to explain. She didn’t want to tell them this.
Jude walked slowly past Juliette, her movements wary. “Why are you here
? What are you doing in Juliette’s room?”
Maggie closed her eyes, not wanting to see the disappointment and confusion in her daughter. Her heart pounded and cheeks blazed. And Abby? Even though Maggie squeezed her eyelids tight she could still see Abby’s expression – embarrassed, humiliated, let down. She looked like she wanted to hide.
“I’m sorry,” Maggie whispered.
“What is this, Mum?” Jude said, louder now. “What the fuck is this?”
Maggie flinched. She heard shuffling, Juliette’s entreaty to come in and the click of the door shutting. She opened her eyes to find Jude, her face darkened, and Maggie had never felt more ashamed.
“It’s not what you think,” Maggie tried. “I’m not being unfaithful to your father,” she offered. She could at least start there.
Jude’s quiet laugh of incredulity made Maggie wither.
“Oh, I know you and Dad are separated. I’m not stupid,” she snapped. “I suspected something after your reticence about the fire escape and apparently Eli twigged your arrangement a while ago. You can’t have expected him to keep quiet.” She laughed again and Maggie died a little every time. “We were waiting for you to tell us, if you ever were. But this,” Jude said, opening her arms to indicate Juliette and Maggie. “This is new.”
The sardonic realisation in Jude’s face was horrible. “You are so many things, Maggie. So many infuriating things. But I never thought you a hypocrite.”
That hurt. It all hurt.
“How can you tell me to leave Abby one minute then jump into bed with Juliette the next?”
“This is, perhaps, not as it appears,” Juliette said softly.
She walked past Jude, and Maggie was incredibly grateful when she stood beside her and took her hand. Juliette gazed down with love and affection and squeezed to reassure her.
“This isn’t new,” Juliette continued. “We have known each other a long time. We were lovers before your mother met your father. More than lovers. We lived together for several years at university and afterwards.”
Jude stared at them both as if trying to take it all in. “Is this true?”
Maggie clung to Juliette. “Yes,” she said. “Juliette was the love of my life. I thought we’d be together forever.”
“Then why?” Jude pleaded. “Why are you so homophobic, Maggie? I don’t understand. What made you so bitter?”
Maggie winced. It was like being dragged hard through the mud. She didn’t want to be here. Her chest ached and her heart was leaden. She wanted to blink and it all go away.
“Many things,” Juliette said, her voice heavy with regret. “We made so many mistakes. We were young and didn’t take care of our relationship, and of course others didn’t make it easy.”
“Is this why?” Jude said, her face contorted with grief. “Is this why you’ve always disapproved of Abby?”
“I wanted to protect her. I didn’t want her damaged like I was.” Maggie looked toward the door and Abby standing there, but the young woman stared at the ground, uncomfortable and upset.
“That’s all it ever was,” Maggie murmured.
“This is incredible.” Jude blew out a lungful of air. “You’ve excelled yourself this time, Maggie.”
Maggie again. She hated it when Jude used her name.
“It was a different time and different place,” Juliette said. “There were more strains on our relationship than I appreciated at the time.” Juliette hesitated, perhaps wondering how much to say. “We had no rights as a couple, no employment protection, and we had friends who were killed because they were gay. My mother was horrific to Maggie and poisonous with me. Although we loved each other very much, there were incredible strains on our relationship.”
“I know,” Jude snapped. “I’ve heard how difficult lesbian relationships can be all my life from my mother. This is no excuse.”
“We wanted a family,” Maggie blurted out. Her heart thundered in her chest. Her breath rasped. “I wanted a family.”
Juliette sagged at her side.
“We argued about it constantly,” Maggie said, barely able to look at Jude. “It tore us apart.”
“That doesn’t mean Abby and I will want children.”
Maggie didn’t know if she had the strength to carry on. “You may not. But what about Abby?” She checked towards Abby and a slight flush on her cheek told Maggie she was right.
“So what if we do,” Jude cried out. “Plenty of women manage. What the hell’s the problem?”
“You don’t know how much losing it all hurts. Juliette was everything to me. She was the wife I cherished and the perfect mother for my children. She was my world.”
“So why didn’t you just do it Maggie? Christ, you’re the bravest person I know. Why didn’t you try?”
“I did,” Maggie yelled.
“And what?” Jude said, almost petulant.
“She left me,” Maggie gasped. “She left me when I was fucking pregnant.”
Jude had frozen, but Maggie couldn’t stop now.
“She left me when I was eight months pregnant and it wrecked me. I had no job, no partner and I was terrified. When I started bleeding, I thought I was going to lose the baby. I fell apart when I thought the baby would die and it completely destroyed me.”
Maggie rocked in her seat she breathed so hard. Hot tears burned in her eyes. She clutched at her stomach, remembering her terror as she woke alone in the flat with the sheets bloody. Her lover gone, Maggie still raw at her departure and the flat cavernous in Juliette’s absence. The world was a more forbidding place without her at Maggie’s side, when she needed Juliette most of all.
Maggie had lay rigid in terror, cradling her swollen belly. The baby shuffled and a little foot nudged out a bulge in her side. She stroked it tenderly with trembling fingers, her whole being filled with despair thinking this could be the last time she felt her baby alive.
Maggie had cried out in an attempt to stand, the weight of the baby straining her back. She needed the phone on the other side of the room and what might have been a few easy strides months ago seemed impossible while the baby pressed down on nerves and her legs collapsed from beneath her. The fall jarred her knees, tore at her back and hit her baby so hard it made Maggie nauseous with fear. She wept in the dark and silent flat, her cherished child in trouble and her heart torn apart, feeling like the last person in the world.
Maggie barely heard Jude’s response.
“What baby?”
Maggie’s heart pounded inside her imploding chest and her head fogged.
“Maggie,” Jude shouted. “What baby?”
“It was you,” Maggie whispered. “You were our baby.”
“But,” Jude seemed far away, “but Dad?”
“He was the donor. That’s all he was meant to be. You and Juliette were my family and I thought I’d lost everything.”
Maggie’s mind went black for a moment. Then when the light came back it swirled around in her head. Her aching chest. It wouldn’t ease. She clenched her teeth when the pain shot to her jaw. She felt the old grief all over again, now razor sharp with Jude’s disapproval.
Maggie didn’t hear Jude’s response, but she was aware her daughter had left the room and Juliette no longer held her hand. Was she alone again?
That loneliness. It seemed to crush her chest with great force. The emptiness of that night when Juliette abandoned her had forever left its mark. Even though she didn’t stop pining for Juliette for months afterwards, ever hopeful that she’d somehow come back, she never did.
Her lover gone, good friends dead, then others quietly staying away after the baby was born, suspicious of Richard’s presence. Maggie found her world entirely changed through no choice of her own. All she had was a young baby and a kind man, and devastated she turned her back on her old life, with wounds that never healed.
“Maggie?” It was a soft voice. Abby’s. “Talk to me, Maggie.”
She felt an arm encouraging her to lean back. Maggie re
ached out wanting to hold dear Abby. “I’m sorry,” she tried to say.
“That’s it. Keep talking, Maggie.”
“I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to go through this.” Maggie broke off as pain stabbed her chest. “It hurts.”
Abby’s fingertips circled her wrist. “Keep breathing, Maggie. Please keep breathing.”
“It hurts so much,” Maggie gasped. “I can’t stand it.”
“Stay with me, Maggie. Keep talking. Keep calm.”
“I’m so sorry. This unbearable agony. I didn’t think you would get over it.”
“I know.” And for the first time she noticed Abby’s voice trembled. “Tell me more. Just a little longer.”
Maggie clutched at Abby’s arm. “Don’t go,” she gasped. “Please.”
“I won’t let you go, Maggie. You’re going to be OK. I’m not going to lose you.”
And everything went black.
Chapter 42.
Jude sat breathing into the cavern of her hands, intent on listening to the air rush through her fingers to calm her panic. She closed her eyes to the glare of the hospital corridor and steadfastly ignored the rising dread inside.
“Dr Goodman.”
She opened her eyes to the senior registrar she knew by sight from her house officer days. She was flattered the woman remembered her name.
“Your mother’s out of surgery and is recovering on the ward. Would you like to come through?”
“Yes, of course.” Jude leapt to her feet and joined the registrar, her legs light with nerves.
“The surgeon’s very happy with how the angioplasty was performed and we’ve inserted a stent.”
Jude nodded, spending every ounce of energy on listening to the clinical information rather than panicking about the state of her mother.
“And thanks to Dr Hart’s quick intervention and persistence on arrival at A&E, your mother has escaped quite lightly.”
Jude had to suppress a sob at the mention of Abby’s name and her care of Maggie. “Good,” she whispered.
“Of course,” the registrar continued, “we’ll keep her in for a few days since it was an emergency operation, but the prognosis is very good.”
