by Jo Ann Brown
“Go ahead,” she said when he didn’t speak.
“With what?”
“Your questions about why I went to Lancaster.”
“I don’t need to ask. I think it’s pretty obvious. You went to see the daed of your boppli, didn’t you?”
“I did.” She didn’t let her eyes shift away from his intense gaze.
He took a single step toward her, but she wouldn’t let him intimidate her. The thought startled her. When had Micah become her enemy? Their friendship had been destroyed when she stopped walking out with him, but he’d never been her foe.
Not as Austin had become.
No! She wasn’t going to let either man unsettle her more. Nothing had gone as she’d hoped, but she’d done her best. Yet, just as when she’d tried to take care of Daed’s house, her best hadn’t been gut enough.
“You’ve changed, Micah. You used to give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you assume I’m irresponsible.”
“It’s not that.”
“No?”
A flush rose out of the collar of his work coat. She’d made her point, but she didn’t feel any triumph.
His mouth grew taut again. “No, Katie Kay, it’s not that.”
“Then what?”
“How would you feel if someone you were responsible for went missing and you had no idea where he or she was?”
“You’re not responsible for me.”
“I’m not talking about me.” He gestured toward her middle. “What if your little boppli vanished and you didn’t know where to begin to look?”
Each word struck like the thunder resounding over the hills. She clasped her fingers protectively over her abdomen. The thought of losing the boppli made her stomach twist. Realizing what she was doing, she let her hands drop to her sides. She mustn’t give Micah—or anyone else—a clue to her greatest fear. The fear that, despite him not wanting anything to do with her or their kind, Austin might demand she turn their boppli over to him. What if he decided having a kind of his own made him look cool in his friends’ eyes?
“I’m sorry. I should have told Gemma. I’ll tell her I’m sorry, Micah,” she said in a cool tone she hoped he’d misunderstand.
When he did, she was torn between relief and regret. Relief that she’d refocused the conversation on the van instead of the boppli, but regret that he seemed eager to see the worst side of her.
“I’m not sure Gemma will ever trust you again,” he said.
“I know.”
“What was so important you couldn’t take time to jot a note to let her know where you were going?” His eyes narrowed. “Why were you eager to see the man who dumped you on the side of the road?”
She flinched. Micah said what he thought, but his comments used to be softened by her knowing he never meant to cause hurt. Today, she wasn’t so sure.
“I found out Austin was at home. I know I was a fool to rush to Lancaster to try to get my things. When I got there, he agreed to talk to me, but he didn’t let me into the apartment.” She lowered her eyes, not willing to see the pity in Micah’s.
She wasn’t going to tell him how embarrassed she’d felt to stand in the dirty hallway and beg for her possessions. Nor would she reveal how Austin had refused to give them to her. Vinnie, one of his friends, had sneaked down the fire escape with a small bag of her clothes. Not everything, and she guessed the rest had been claimed by others. Nobody had wanted the plain dress she’d brought with her from Paradise Springs, so it was at the bottom of the plastic bag.
“You hoped he’d ask your forgiveness for his outrageous behavior, ain’t so?”
“I don’t know. If I did, I was disappointed. He didn’t apologize, and then everything got worse.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “No, it went from worse to worst.”
“Why?”
For a second, she hesitated; then the words spilled out of her. “He told me if I wanted to get rid of ‘the kid’—that’s what he calls the boppli—he’d be willing to give me money to hire a lawyer to arrange for an adoption.” She couldn’t keep her rancor out of her voice as she added, “He said it was my fault so I should pay for most of it. Before he slammed the door in my face, he said if the boppli’s new parents gave me any money, he wanted half.”
“Is giving the boppli up for adoption what you plan to do? Or have you given that any real thought?”
For the first time, she met his eyes steadily. “Do you think so little of me, Micah Stoltzfus? This boppli is my responsibility, and I’m going to make sure it has the best life possible.” She released a terse laugh. “Besides, I know Austin was lying. He’ll never send me a penny for anything. I left and went back to the van. That’s when I found the dent in the front and the policeman.”
“It was hit while you were parked?”
She nodded. “The officer said the kid who hit it was going too fast in the wrong direction along the one-way street. When he saw another car pull in to the street, he panicked and tried to turn around. He hit the van. The officer said if Gemma had a more modern car, the whole front end would have been smashed like the kid’s car. Instead there’s a small dent.”
“Was the other driver hurt?”
“Not according to the policeman. I guess the gut Lord was watching over us.” She was astonished by the warmth surging through her at the thought. Was it possible God still cared about His lamb who had strayed so far from the flock?
As if she’d asked that aloud, Micah said, “None of us should ever doubt that, Katie Kay. No matter what we do or where we go, God is just a prayer away. You’re never alone.”
“It didn’t feel that way when I was talking to Austin.” She flung the remainder of the leaf into the pond. “I should have known he wouldn’t change his mind. He’s as stubborn as...”
“You?”
She glanced at his face, hoping to see the charming smile he had worn when he walked out with her. Instead he remained as serious as a deacon facing a miscreant who’d ignored the Ordnung.
“Ja,” she said with a sigh. The conversation wasn’t going as she’d hoped. She hadn’t expected Micah to take her in his arms and console her as he had before, but why did he have to be stonyhearted? “One thing I know for sure is that I can close the door on that part of my past.”
“Are you sure? He is your boppli’s daed.”
“Didn’t you hear what I said?” she asked, feigning irritation to conceal her deep fear that Austin would decide to claim the kind and take it away from her. “He wanted me to get rid of it. He doesn’t care about the boppli or me.”
He arched his brows. “People change their minds.”
“If you’re trying to scare me, Micah, don’t bother. I’m scared enough already.”
For a long minute, he didn’t answer. He sighed and said, “Let’s go. It looks as if it’s going to storm any minute.” He turned to leave.
She didn’t move. “Micah?”
“Ja?” He halted but didn’t face her.
Just as she hadn’t turned to him when he came to the pond. The barriers between them were growing thicker and more impossible to cross. Maybe he realized that, too, which was why he kept his back to her.
“Please,” she said as she walked to where he stood, “don’t tell Gemma and Sean what I was doing in Lancaster.”
“The van—”
“I’ll explain to them how the van was dented. I’ve got a copy of the accident report so they can contact their insurance company. That’s what the policeman told me to do. I don’t want them to know...”
“How your boppli’s daed shut you out of his life?”
“Ja.” It was humiliating. “Promise me, Micah, you won’t tell them.”
“I won’t.” Finally he looked at her. “I’ll leave that for you to do.”
As he
strode away, she remained where she was and watched him go. He always seemed to know exactly what to do. Meanwhile, she was foundering. She’d considered Micah’s well-mapped-out life to be boring. For the first time, she guessed there must be a lot of comfort in being prepared for what lay ahead.
Was it too late for her to find out? She hoped not.
Chapter Seven
The birthing clinic was in a low, white building that looked as if it had been built as an Englisch ranch house. Shutters the color of pine needles flanked the windows, but the flower boxes were empty. A wreath of autumn leaves and miniature plastic pumpkins was centered on the yellow door. To its left, a small plaque was etched with Paradise Springs Birthing Center.
Katie Kay sat in Micah’s buggy and stared at the clinic’s front door. She didn’t want to look at him. Was he thinking as she was of the night he’d told her about the future he envisioned with her? A future when they were married and had a family. Had he imagined himself bringing her to the midwife when she became pregnant?
How earnest and eager he’d been as he outlined every day of the life he wanted them to have together! So earnest and eager he hadn’t noticed her reaction. She’d been horrified. How could she be certain she wanted to spend her life with Micah Stoltzfus when there was much she hadn’t experienced? What if she missed wonders she couldn’t even imagine?
She’d interrupted him and asked him to take her home. Though he’d been startled, he’d complied. He’d loved her then. She’d known that, which had unsettled her more.
Once she got home, she’d told him they were through. He’d asked why, and she’d just said she’d decided she didn’t want to walk out with him any longer. It hadn’t been the truth. She hadn’t wanted to break up, but the only thing she’d been sure of was that she needed to sample what else life might offer her.
For days afterward, she’d tried to forget the pain on his expressive face when he turned without another word and climbed into his buggy and drove away. She’d wondered if she’d made the biggest mistake of her life but convinced herself the worst error she could make was always to question if a plain life had been right for her. Once she was baptized and married, there would be no escape without being shunned and losing contact with her family and the community.
But isn’t that what you’ve done to yourself? She wished the faint voice of honesty would leave her alone, but it was true she’d self-shunned by not letting her family know where she moved to in Lancaster.
Again the idea of her mapping out her future flitted through her head. Could she? Should she? If she set a plan in stone as Micah seemed to, what if something marvelous popped up in her life? She didn’t like the idea of having to pass it by because it wasn’t part of “The Plan.”
“The longer you sit there,” Micah said, breaking into her thoughts, “the more likely it is that someone will drive by and recognize you.”
His words jolted her, and she climbed out of the buggy, almost tripping over her own feet. As she regained her balance, she was startled to discover gentle fingers on her arm. How had Micah gotten around the buggy so fast?
“Danki,” she whispered as she stepped away from his touch, which scrambled her thoughts like a bowl of eggs.
Her hopes that he hadn’t noticed the tremor in her voice faded when he said, “It’s going to be okay.” He flashed her a smile.
She was astonished by the warmth stirring in her stomach. Lost in her despair, she’d failed to see how much power his easy grins still had to move her. They weren’t flirtatious, but seeing one made her think about how they’d laughed together after singings. Laughing was something they’d done a lot, and she realized how much she missed that simple delight.
Something else she’d thrown away when she tossed him out of her life.
“Tell me the truth, Micah,” she blurted. “Why are you helping me?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You’re pregnant and—”
“But you could let others help. You don’t have to feel obligated because you happened to be the one who found me.”
He shook his head, sadness dimming his eyes. “After all this time, Katie Kay, I thought you knew me better than that.”
She winced. His quiet, sorrowful words hurt as much as if he’d yelled them. She realized how much her question had wounded him. It hadn’t been intentional. She wanted to know the truth about why a man whom she’d treated poorly would step up to help her.
No, it was more than helping. He wanted to be certain she and the boppli were taken care of and remained healthy. He was a gut man. A better man, she acknowledged, than she deserved, because she wasn’t sure that if their situations were reversed, she would have been as forgiving.
He didn’t say anything else as he opened the door and motioned for her to go inside ahead of him.
Katie Kay was relieved to see the waiting room was empty. It was long and narrow with six plastic chairs along each side of the space. A desk at the far end by a closed door was empty, but she guessed the receptionist usually sat there. Everything about the room exuded happiness and excitement. Too bad she didn’t feel either. Uncertainty was the one emotion roiling within her.
When Micah closed the door, he drew the curtain over the window. The others were shut, she noticed with relief. Nobody driving by and looking into the clinic would see them.
“We might as well sit,” he said. “Beth Ann told me we’d have to wait while she finished the day’s paperwork.”
She chose a red chair. “There must be paperwork for me to fill out. Do you know where it is?”
“It’s been handled.”
“What?”
Taking the chair beside hers, he leaned toward her. “When I explained the situation to Beth Ann, she assured me you could take the paperwork with you and fill it out before your next visit. It’s not as if you have health insurance as Englischers do.” His brow threaded in bafflement. “Or do you?”
“No. My jobs in Lancaster were part-time and paid under the table because I didn’t have a social security number card.”
“I assume you don’t have any savings then.”
“Nothing.” She looked at her clasped hands. “I know it’s not cheap to pay for a midwife. That’s why I’m going to talk to Beth Ann about how long it’ll be safe for me to wait on tables.”
“You’re planning to get a job?” He regarded her with narrowed eyes.
“Of course. The costs of these visits and the delivery will be my obligation, and I need to repay Sean and Gemma for the damage to their van.”
“I can fix it. It’ll take just a few minutes. Don’t worry.”
“But it’s my fault.” Waving aside his argument before he could speak it, she added, “Besides, I’ve worked all my life, Micah. I’m not doing anything other than helping Gemma keep the house clean, cook a few meals and watch over the kids.”
“Which the Donnellys appreciate. Gemma has told me the house has never looked better.”
But it wouldn’t meet her older sister’s standards. She sighed as she imagined Priscilla’s comments about the mess Katie Kay found herself in. Her exacting sister held everyone up to her ideas of perfection, and Katie Kay had longed to meet them, so her daed and the rest of the family didn’t have to worry about the house. She’d failed time after time.
Not wanting to admit that to Micah, she said, “Maybe so, but the tasks at the Donnellys don’t keep me busy enough.”
“No matter how busy you get, you can’t escape your thoughts.”
She stared, stunned. Was that what she was doing? Working hard so she was exhausted enough to sleep the instant her head touched the pillow? Focusing on tasks to keep her mind from wandering to her troubles? She had thought her yearning for a job was so she could pay for what she and the boppli would need during the next nine months.
Now she wasn’t
sure.
She was relieved when the door across from the empty desk opened, and a woman stepped out. She didn’t have to reply to Micah’s too-insightful comment.
The woman introduced herself as Beth Ann. Much taller than Katie Kay, she wore a Mennonite kapp like the ones Katie Kay had seen at the Central Market in Lancaster when she went to get fresh vegetables for Austin and his roommates on the few occasions when she had money for such luxuries. Beth Ann’s dark blue dress reached below her knees but didn’t hide the plastic brace she wore on her right leg. She walked with a hint of a limp as she asked Katie Kay to come with her.
“I’ll wait here,” Micah said.
Words failed Katie Kay when she stood. For a moment, she wanted to ask him to come with her. Talking to a midwife made the boppli real, something she couldn’t pass off as a bad dream she’d soon wake up from.
“It’ll be fine, Katie Kay,” he continued in the same gentle voice. “You will be fine.”
Was the emphasis to reassure her, or was he talking about both her and the boppli?
She had to stop trying to find ulterior meanings in every word everyone around her said, especially Micah. Easier said than done.
Following Beth Ann through the doors, she thanked the midwife for staying late.
“I don’t mind,” Beth Ann replied. “But I can do this only once in a while because I’ve got a daughter at home who frets if I’m late often.”
Katie Kay nodded. She hadn’t expected that Beth Ann would see her after regular office hours every time, but what she said complicated matters. Coming during the day meant being seen by someone who knew her or her daed.
You could go home.
The words were as clear in her mind as if Beth Ann had spoken them, but the midwife was silent until they paused by a set of scales with a digital readout. Katie Kay stepped onto them. Beth Ann noted the number and also ascertained her height before motioning to come farther along the silent hallway.
Going into an examination room painted a warm cream, Beth Ann pulled on a white coat and settled a stethoscope around her neck. She smiled as she motioned for Katie Kay to sit.
