Like Arrows (Cedar Tree #6)

by Freya Barker

  "I haven't had a fucking chance to."

  "Talk to me," Caleb says, slinging his arm around me and walking me back to where we were sitting before.

  So I do. I tell him about the MRI and how sick and scared she'd been and how I should've clued in it was more than routine. I tell him what little I've managed to glean from her in terms of her health issues and how she's been very reluctant in sharing. Of course, Caleb points out that what goes for the goose, goes for the gander and that I can't in all fairness expect her to be an open book when I haven't even told her about my own sordid history, my family, my sister's death, the dark path I followed after that. And he's right, of course he's right. Then comes Naomi's phone call and our meeting with her and the surgeon.

  "Wait. So let me get this straight, they don't know if it's cancer yet?" Caleb asks, surprise on his face.

  "They need to remove the tumor in order to do a reliable pathology, the surgeon said. But I have this gut feel—" A sharp jab on my shoulder cuts me off mid-sentence.

  "Fuck your gut feeling," Caleb bites off, his face angry now. "For once, feel with your heart, not your head or your damn gut. When it comes to people you love, your 'gut' seems to be in a constant state of denial. You know this. Smarten the fuck up and start praying instead of picking the worst goddamn scenario possible!" He emphasizes that with a smack upside my head.

  "She lied," I try, but Caleb's right on top of that.

  "She omitted some details. Minor infraction compared to you keeping your whole fucking life from her."

  I lower my eyes from his challenging glare. Truth is, I know this isn't really about lying, or omitting or whatever. I'm scared—of more than just cancer. I'm scared I won't be able to give her the support she needs if that's what this turns out to be. I'm scared I can't live up to the man I want to be for her. I'm scared she will be alone worrying about her mother, about herself, when I fail her. I'm scared to lose her...

  I can deal with the people who are out to harm her. But how do I fight an enemy I can't see, don't understand and can't control?

  Kim

  "Shhhh," Katie's voice quiets me as deep sobs have turned into silent tears that don't seem to want to dry up. She sits down beside me on the couch, pushes a mug of something warm in my hands and instructs me to take a sip. Warm, sweet tea with milk. It soothes and slowly relaxes the hold panic has on my chest. "Now talk," she says.

  I do. I tell her everything and before I'm even done, she's called Naomi, Emma and Kerry, who's been back at home since last Friday. I tell her about the drive to the hospital, Mal's reaction or lack there of—I still can't quite put my finger on it—and about the surgery scheduled four days from today.

  "Holy shit." Are her exact words. "That's exactly it, the cherry on top of an already steaming pile of shit you've had on your plate. Good news is, there is no other direction to go but up, 'cause honey, there's no way this can get any worse. No way in hell."

  I can’t stop the snort that escapes at the visual and that sets us off giggling.

  “I have to laugh, otherwise I’ll just start crying again,”I manage breathlessly.

  “Oh, honey,”Katie whispers, wrapping me into hug.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Kim

  The universe must've taken Katie's words as a direct challenge, because the days to follow are brutal.

  It hadn't taken long for Katie's living room to fill up with people I now comfortably called friends. It was a heart-warming gesture, but my eye kept wandering to the door, waiting for Mal to come in. About half an hour after the girls had arrived, though, it was Caleb who walked through the door. Alone. I caught up with him in the kitchen at one point and asked him where Mal had gone.

  "He loves you, you know," had been his somewhat non-responsive answer. "He needs a little time to come to terms with this."

  I started backing out of the kitchen, completely in shock. What does that mean? Come to terms with what? Tears welled up in my eyes as the hurt of having him walk out at a time like this tore through my soul.

  Caleb watched me, moving toward me the moment the first tear rolled down my face. He pulled me into his arms and simply held me. "My brother will be back, Kim. I promise. There is so much about him you don't know yet, so much you should know. But I have faith he'll find a way to tell you. It's not you," he assured me when I tilted my head back to look at him. "It's that he doesn't open up to people. Not ever. This afternoon was the first time the two of us talked about stuff we should've talked about a long time ago. Things that happened in our childhood. I've learned to talk through a lot of that with Katie, but he hasn't had anyone in his life he trusted enough. Until you."

  "But—"

  "Give him a little bit of time. I'd like nothing better than to tell you what you need to know, but that's not mine to share with you. It's his. Trust me when I say my brother is worth waiting for, no matter how bad it looks right now."

  With a kiss on the top of my head he walked out of the kitchen.

  That was Friday. Today is Monday and I haven't heard from him yet. I even sent him a text, but he hasn't responded. The girls haven't given me a chance to drown in my worries. Just this morning Naomi was over before her clinic hours started. She'd brought a book about Hashimoto's for me to read. I'd done research online already and cried so hard when I discovered every one of my symptoms listed. Every last one, including my weight, the joint pain, the fatigue and the nightmares. They're all directly related to a poorly functioning thyroid. Naomi told me that there is medication to regulate the symptoms but that we had to wait for the surgery and pathology before we work on a treatment plan.

  How ironic is it that the moment arrives in my forty years on this earth when I finally receive a diagnosis, and I can't even be happy. I want to be. Hell, part of me is elated, but that doesn't last long. The threat of cancer is too real. Naomi mentioned that the longer the condition goes untreated, the more likely the chance is of developing some kind of abnormality. Sometimes in the form of a cyst, which is relatively easy to get rid of, but sometimes in the form of a solid mass.

  I try hard to keep my mind on what I can control right now, and that is absorbing as much information as I can about Hashimoto's. Knowledge is half the battle. I miss Mal though. Miss talking to him, touching him. I'm fighting to keep persistent insecurities at bay, reminding myself constantly of Caleb's words.

  "Mind if I make a pot of coffee?" Neil interrupts my thoughts, as he saunters into the living room where I'm curled up on the couch, with the book Naomi left me.

  "Of course," I tell him, wondering why he had no one to go home to. He'd picked me up at Katie's place on Friday afternoon and hadn't left my side since. Any hopes of going home to my own place in Cortez off the table for the foreseeable future. Gus's decree. He said I had the choice of an FBI safe house, until Damian Gomez and his crew could make sure there was no further threat to my life. Gus had offered up the alternative of my staying in Beth's house under GFI's protection. Since I was able to keep Boo with me here, I chose to stay. I didn't volunteer that I needed to be here in case Mal returns.

  "Actually, I think I changed my mind. I'll be out back with the dog," Neil says, his eyes focused on something outside the window.

  Mal

  I grab for the bottle, the only thing I brought with me into the kiva, and take a swig. The water is cold and helps wake me up.

  I've been holed up here for three nights and they've been cold ones. With nothing more than the clothes on my back, it's been a bit of a challenge to fight the cold and the inevitable hunger. Not sure what drew me here when I left Caleb sitting at the picnic table outside his house. I guess I needed the quiet to sort through my messed up emotions. Pain, anger, fear... love.

  More than once I'd been tempted to walk the forty-five minute trek back out to the parking lot to see if I could catch a signal so I could call—hear her voice—but each time, fear held me back. I'm still terrified. On a good day I'm not worthy of Kim's love, not the way I'v
e lived my life before coming to Cedar Tree. Sure, I can blame it on circumstances, but the truth is, both Caleb and I came from the same fucked up nest. A nest that used to be a loving family until cancer ate its way through. Not just taking my sister in an ungodly short amount of time, but tearing through the very fabric that had made us a unit. She was gone and my parents left shortly after, my father drowning in a bottle and my mother drowning in her grief. No room remaining for Caleb or I. No place safe from the loss of not only my sister, but our family too. I'd been the only one making the wrong choices though. Caleb joined the Rangers, moved away and found his path, when I persisted in sticking around, taking my anger out on the world and keeping my wounds raw. Cancer had become my number one enemy. One I still have no defense against. Which is why the thought of going another round with that bitch scares the fuck out of me. Why I needed to come here to find my courage. I'm a coward.

  This is where Caleb found me last time. Where I had holed up when my previous life chewed me up and spit me out. I still carried a huge chip on my shoulder then, one that I'd been able to whittle down bit by bit since I've started over in Cedar Tree. Maybe that's it, maybe that's why I needed to come back here. To find the right direction again. Another crossroads. Another choice. But the three nights in the dark stillness of the kiva has made it clear there is no choice. There is no walking away from the first person I have dared give my heart to voluntarily. The pain that would come with the prospect of losing her to cancer is no more substantial than the pain leaving her altogether would cause.

  The cold sip of water seems to have cleared away any lingering uncertainties. Life is just like that, unpredictable, painful at times, but with possibilities so heartbreakingly beautiful, it would be a sin to leave them behind.

  Suddenly I'm in a hurry. I've left my girl to deal with a lifetime of nightmares all by herself. When she needed me most, I snuck off like a coward. Fuck, I'm an idiot. I can't blame her if she turns me away. Not that I will go. I'm ready to fight this time. Fight for the life she deserves. The life we deserve.

  I scramble up the ladder out of the kiva and am momentarily blinded by the mid-morning sun warming the day ahead. This place, this haven in the middle of the Arches National Park that we discovered many years ago on a family vacation when life was still simple, has worked its magic on me once again. A little weak from lack of nutrition and reeking after days without a shower, I start my trek to the parking lot, where I hope my car is still parked.

  -

  "It's me."

  "Finally," Caleb says on the other side of the line. "I was about to come and drag you out of that hole in the ground again."

  "Figured you'd know where I went."

  "Brother, I know you as well as I know myself. If I didn't believe you would come out of there with your priorities sorted, I wouldn't have been so patient. How are you?"

  The simplicity of his straightforward honesty hits me. My brother trusts me to do the right thing. He trusted me before I trusted myself.

  "I'm good. A bit rough on the edges, but good."

  "Need a pick up?"

  "Nah, I'm on my way. Just coming through Monticello. How badly have I fucked up?" I ask tentatively, trying to get a lay of the land before I wade in. Caleb's responding chuckle is kind of reassuring in itself.

  "Nothing that can't be fixed, but buddy, you best come all the way clean with this woman. Despite her shy ways and soft little body, that girl is made of strong stuff. Katie and her posse have not given her a chance to be alone much, but from what I hear and can see for myself, she is hanging tough."

  "I love her, Caleb."

  "Not news to me, Malachi. No other reason for you to struggle so hard. She's worth it."

  "I know," I admit softly.

  When I pull into the driveway, I see Neil framed in the window, staring at me, before he disappears from sight. I thought about stopping at my apartment for a quick shower, but ended up driving right by. I need her to see she is first and foremost on my mind—in my heart.

  Neil is hanging over the back gate when I get out of my truck, waving me over.

  "Done communing with the universe?" the smartass asks.

  "Yes, not that it's any of your business," I bite off, but it only makes the idiot smile bigger. "How's she holding up?"

  "The women-folk have not let up much. They've run down the door. When no one's around, she's either at the computer, researching the hell out of her condition or she sits staring out the window. Other than the cry-fest she had on Friday, she's been quiet."

  Guilt churns in my stomach at the thought of having caused her further pain and I know I have some work ahead of me. "Think she'll kick me out?"

  "Nah man, figure you've got a bit of grovelling to do, but she's not gonna kick you out. Unless maybe cause you stink and look like shit."

  I back away from the gate and straighten up, taking a deep breath in. "Thanks. You're a pal. Still, best stick around until we're sure. I want to get an update too, but first I have some crow to eat." With that I turn toward the house.

  -

  "Get out!"

  That's Kim's first reaction when she looks over her shoulder to see who walked in the door. Next she gets up off the couch where she's curled up with some mammoth sized book, which she carelessly tosses aside as she turns toward me, hands on her hips. Her eyes squint down to slits as she looks me up and down and slowly I see the anger in her eyes change to concern. I can't get a fucking word out. I'm just standing there gaping at this beautiful woman who I'd gladly lay my life down for and still no words will come. A thick lump is stuck in my throat and it takes everything from me not to bawl like a baby at the thought I'd walked out on her.

  "Mal? Are you okay?"

  I watch her slowly moving toward me and I stand dead still until she's within reach. My hand shoots out and I pull her to me, sinking down on the floor, taking her with me. Lack of food and sleep, and emotional exhaustion finally taking its toll. Kim simply twists around on my lap until we're face to face, her hands on my neck.

  "What happened to you?" she whispers, confusion in her eyes.

  "You." My voice cracks. "You happened and I can't..." I curl my body around hers and shove my face in her neck, taking a deep breath. "I had a sister, Nasha. She was the middle one in the true sense of the word. Always stepping in when Caleb and I would fight, which happened quite a bit." I allow myself a few happier memories before I plow on. "At first I guess they hadn't wanted to worry me, and then it was too late. I was worried already when she just got sicker and sicker, but by the time my parents finally told me Nasha was dying, her spirit had already left. A week after that she was gone, and I never really had a chance to say goodbye."

  My eyes lift to find Kim's eyes wet with tears, but it's only when she reaches to wipe at my cheek that I realize I'm crying too.

  "She had cancer, right?"

  When I just nod at her question, she gets off my lap and stands, pulling me up by my hand. Wordlessly she leads me upstairs to the bedroom and pushes me to lie down, curling up beside me. I roll over to face her, stroking my fingers down her profile and letting them rest between her breasts. On her heart.

  "Nasha's death devastated all of us. Mom, Dad, Caleb, as much as me. We were so broken individually that none of us had it in them to hold the other up. Mom's grief turned into apathy, where she would wander around the house, a picture of Nasha clenched in her arms. As if she was searching. My dad wasn't much better, except he numbed himself with alcohol. Caleb and I...well we raged for a bit and then Caleb left. Joined the armed forces, and I... I couldn't tear myself away from the anger. I was twelve when she died and I was barely fifteen when Caleb took off. I don't blame him. We all had to save ourselves or we'd all go down together. But it was hard."

  I want to look away. I know I can't avoid letting her in completely, but I hesitate showing her the darkest side of me. The risk is not insignificant.

  "I made choices that weren't the right ones."

 
"That's understandable." She smiles and I love her for it, but she has no idea.

  "I've done bad things, Kimeo. Things that should've landed me in jail for a very long time. Bad things that have harmed others." I see her wince, before she regroups and smiles a tremulous smile in encouragement. I'll take it. Even if it's all I'll get. "Ending up in Cedar Tree, I saw the family my brother had built for himself, and rejected it at first. But there's no way to keep these people at bay, as I'm sure you've now learned. Once they decide you're part of the family, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.” She chuckles at that and smiles, almost nostalgically. “I didn't stand a chance,” I continue. “But really trusting? Real trust, where you put your faith in someone, give yourself completely? I never wanted that. Never believed in it. And then you happened, " I say and reach out to cup her face, because I need to feel her soft skin. "Like a fucking tsunami you wiped out my carefully constructed barriers until every last emotion was floating around aimlessly." I can't hold back the chuckle of self-derision that slips out. "To think I thought I was beyond feeling seems funny now. Truth is, I'm a fucking mess, Nizhóní. I spent the last almost seventy-two hours holed up in a kiva in Utah with only a bottle of water for a companion. I probably stink, am dirty and the only thing I was able to get clear in my head is that nothing is worth anything if it doesn't have you."

  I roll Kim over on her back and brace myself over her. "So you see, I'm not anything like the man you thought." I see emotions swirling in her eyes and hold my breath for what comes next.