A Fox's Maid

by Brandon Varnell

  Several seconds passed. A gentle breeze blew through the clearing, and several crows cawed in a most annoying manner. Finally…

  “Are you three into the Power Rangers or something?” Kevin asked. “It’s totally cool if you are, but you might want to think about not doing that in public.”

  The trio, who had remained in their weird sentai poses until that point, tripped and fell face-first onto the hard concrete. They quickly jumped back to their feet, however, and shook three menacing fists at Kevin―at least, he thought they were supposed to look menacing. They actually looked kind of stupid.

  “‘Power Rangers?’ ‘POWER RANGERS?!’” Nick shouted. Kevin noticed that he was holding a hand to his nose. Blood leaked between his fingers. “We don’t watch that crap! Power Rangers is just America trying to milk the success of authentic Japanese TV shows! We’re fans of Kamen Rider!”

  “You do realize we live in America, right?” Kevin was a fan of Japanese pop culture as much as the next manga-obsessed American teenager, but even he had his limits. “And it doesn’t change the fact that Kamen Rider is a show made for children under the age of ten.”

  Once again, Nick growled. With his deep voice, it actually sounded kinda menacing, even though he was, like, under four feet tall.

  “How dare you! Not only have you taken our Lilian from us, but you’re also making fun of Kamen Rider!”

  Kevin rolled his eyes.

  “I haven’t taken anyone from you. Lilian is free to do whatever she wants.” It just so happened that “whatever she wants” meant spending time with him. “And don’t talk about her like she’s some kind of object.”

  “Don’t think we don’t know what you’re trying to do! We don’t know what you did to Lilian, but we know you’ve somehow coerced her into staying with you!”

  “Yeah. Yeah. You’re probably blackmailing her or something!”

  “You make me so mad!!!”

  As the three began shouting at him, Kevin sighed and ran a hand down his tired face. “And they’re not even listening to me.”

  “That does it!” Marcus screamed out in comical anger. The quivering of his red-faced jowls reminded Kevin of this filler episode to an anime he once watched, in which Wendy Marvell ended up becoming a member of the Butt Jiggle Gang. This guy’s face was very reminiscent of those jiggling butts. “I’m not gonna let you get away with stealing our Lilian from us! You’re going down!”

  Wait. Did these three want to fight him? For real? Kevin wasn’t one for violence; he’d never been in a real fight before―unless he counted the time Chris Fleischer ripped his chest open. And he didn’t count that. Saying he’d gotten into a fight implied he actually fought, and he hadn’t fought Chris so much as he’d nearly been killed trying to defend Lilian.

  He could probably consider that time Kiara sent those three jabronis after him, but again, he hadn’t really fought. It was mostly a series of coincidental events and dumb luck that kept him from having his ass handed to him on a silver platter.

  Kevin was just about to try and talk his way out of this situation when something happened that shocked him speechless: the three high school boys began to transform.

  Marcus became even thinner than he already was, his arms melding into his torso as his hair sunk into his head, which took on the form of an umbrella. The fat one, Ian, grew even fatter as his facial features shifted from his face to his stomach. His mouth turned into a large, gaping maw that reminded Kevin of the Saarlac pit. The last of the trio, Nick, burst into flames before his form took on a spherical shape, like a ball of noxious gas that had been lit on fire.

  “You three are yōkai?” On any other occasion, Kevin would have smacked himself for asking such an obvious question. Of course they were yōkai. No human could transform like that, or at all, though he couldn’t figure out what type of yōkai they were.

  “That’s right,” Marcus said, “I’m a karakase-obake!”

  “And I’m a blob!”

  … Silence. Several crickets began chirping. A crow cawed somewhere in the distance. Kevin even thought he heard a bullfrog, which he knew for a fact didn’t even live in this park.

  “Seriously?” Kevin’s face looked as incredulous as he felt. “A blob? That’s the kind of yōkai you are?”

  “Don’t look at me like that!” The gaping mouth on Ian’s stomach flapped. By the gods, that was disturbing. “How would you like it if I made fun of you for being human!”

  “I probably wouldn’t care that much,” Kevin shrugged. “But, seriously, a blob? I didn’t even know there were yōkai like that, and I’ve watched Inuyasha and Nurarihyon no Mago.”

  “Whatever. It’s not like being a blob was my choice.”

  “I guess not.” Kevin looked at the flaming ball of… soul? He wasn’t sure. Could souls even catch on fire? “So what are you? A will-o-wisp?”

  “Don’t compare me to those inferior yōkai!” Okay. So, apparently, the great ball of fire took offense to being called a will-o-wisp. “I’m a hi-no-tama!”

  “Uh huh…” Kevin rubbed the back of his neck. “Aren’t you guys supposed to, I don’t know, not reveal yourselves to humans? I thought there was some kind of law against this.”

  “You’re the only human here,” Nick pointed out. Kevin blinked. He then looked around the park to note that, yes, he really was the only other person in sight.

  On a side note, hearing a voice come from a ball of fire was kinda creepy. It really didn’t help that Nick’s deep “Movie Trailer Guy” voice had become distorted, growing even deeper and more gruff than before.

  But there were more important things to worry about.

  “Eh? Where did everyone go?”

  Like the lack of people. Kevin knew for a fact that there had been at least six other people present when these three confronted him. Where was the family with that cute little girl walking her dog? What happened to that old fart with the cane? Even the guy behind the concession stand had disappeared! What the heck?

  “Who cares?” Marcus exclaimed. “The only thing that matters is that no one’s around to see us while we get rid of you!”

  Oh, this was just great. He was alone with three yōkai, all of whom hated his guts and wanted to “teach him a lesson” for something that was beyond his ability to control. And because there was no one present to witness it, the trio was free to use their powers with reckless abandon. Well, except for the hi-no-tama. Kevin really hoped that one would limit the use of his powers, as he had no desire to see damage done to the surrounding wildlife.

  Either way, Kevin knew that he was screwed.

  He moaned piteously.

  Why does crap like this always happen to me?

  ***

  Lilian had noticed Kevin leaving mere minutes after he disappeared. She’d felt his eyes on her throughout the game until then. It was the whole reason she had kept playing. Knowing that he was watching made her feel special, like he only had eyes for her, like she was the most important person in his life, just as he was in hers.

  Her desire to continue playing waned with his absence.

  Much to Lindsay’s chagrin, Lilian begged off playing another round, and went over to Kotohime. The kimono-clad femme looked up as she approached.

  “You played a most admirable game, Lilian-sama.”

  “Thanks,” Lilian said absentmindedly. “Where’s Kevin?”

  “He went out,” Kotohime answered swiftly, “I believe he was going to get something called shaved ice.” Lilian didn’t know what shaved ice was, and the look she gave her vassal made that more than obvious. “Do not look at me. The only times I’ve spent in the presence of humans these past one-hundred years is when you had me go out and buy manga. I do not what know what shaved ice is either.”

  Lilian decided to accept her maid’s words at face value. It wasn’t like she cared about shaved ice either way.

  “Which way did he go?”

  “That way.”

  Lilian looked at the dire
ction Kotohime pointed toward, and then dashed off at a quick trot. She hoped Kevin hadn’t gone too far.

  Muu, Lilian pouted as she crested a hill, if he was going to go somewhere, he could have at least taken me with him.

  ***

  It must be a curse god, Kevin moaned. There’s a curse god after me. I bet it’s a stupid little girl who wears a frilly red dress with green ribbons and likes to spin around a lot.

  It was the only logical explanation he could think of to explain his situation—never mind the illogicalness of blaming a curse god for his problems. It made sense to him. Not only was this the second time he’d been chased by yōkai in the past month, it was also the second time three people had wanted to beat him up, for one reason or another.

  Speaking of those three, Kevin looked behind him―

  “Holy crap!”

  ―and then squealed like a little girl when a nearby cactus spontaneously combusted after being struck by a fireball. He looked back to see the hi-no-tama preparing to launch another one at him. It flared brilliantly like a ball of, well, fire, almost as if the anticipation of being launched at him was exciting to it.

  Except it’s a ball of fire. Fire isn’t sentient―unless you’re a yōkai, I guess.

  “Would you stop throwing those things already?! You’re destroying the environment, idiot! Don’t you know that various animals make their homes in those cacti and—hiii!”

  Kevin quickly ducked when another ball of fire nearly smacked him in the face. The fireball missed, but ended up setting the bush it hit ablaze.

  “Don’t call us idiots! You’re the one who's an idiot! Just stand still and die like a man!”

  “You just proved my point! Who the heck would stand there and let themselves be―OH, MY GOD!”

  Kevin swerved at the last second and avoided another fireball, which nearly slammed into his back. He could feel the blistering heat sear into his skin, and the back of his shirt actually began to burn since the fireball was so close. That yōkai was really trying to kill him!

  Not good. This was so, so, so not good. Why did this always happen to him? He was a good person, wasn’t he? He’d never done anything bad before. He never drank, never did drugs, didn’t bully people, respected the elderly, and did all the things that a good, mature and responsible young man should do.

  So why the hell does this keep happening to me?!

  Because it’s funny.

  “Shut up, you idiot!”

  … A pause.

  “Wait. Who the heck am I talking to?! What the heck is going—oh, sweet baby Jesus!”

  Kevin dodged another fireball, which slammed into a bench and exploded in a shower of fiery splinters. He yelped when several of those splinters struck his shirt and burnt straight through to his skin.

  “Stop shooting those, dang it!”

  “Stop moving and I will!”

  “Like I would possibly believe that―EEK!”

  Another fireball. He swerved right, dodging it. The ground several feet in front of him burst into flames and Kevin swore.

  “Dang it. At this rate, that guy’s going to set the whole park on fire.”

  More than a third of the park was already up in flames. The fires were slowly spreading to the rest of the park, though, so it wouldn’t be long before the entire place turned into a giant cinder.

  He needed to think of something, and fast.

  “Holy flying—WHOA!”

  The blob came out of nowhere, flying straight at him. Kevin avoided being flattened like a pancake by rolling across the ground, but it was a near thing, and it hurt. He gritted his teeth at the jarring impact, feeling his shoulder pop out of place. Whoever said shoulder rolls were easy had obviously never tried one.

  I think I’m beginning to hate Link. He makes doing crap like this look easy.

  While the blob bounced along the ground like a rubber ball, Kevin found the karakase-obake standing a couple yards in front of him.

  Its umbrella top was spinning.

  It was also spitting… water?

  “Ga!”

  Kevin hissed as the water hit his skin and began eating away at it. Okay. It wasn’t water. Acid, then? Whatever it was, he couldn’t afford to get anymore on him. That stuff burned.

  He dove to the left, avoiding another fireball, which exploded against a bench. He then turned and ran off the cement path, using the cacti and trees as cover. He saw several birds, a couple of squirrels and even a poor little bunny running away from the melting, burning landscape.

  He winced.

  “Sorry, little woodland―desertland creatures. I really don’t want you guys getting involved, but I also don’t want to die.” A pause. “And I doubt this small habitat will last long with these three chasing me, regardless of where I go.”

  Moving faster than he ever had before, faster even than when he raced against Chase, Kevin wove through the desert landscape. This didn’t stop the trio of angry and jealous yōkai from chasing him, but it did slow them down, giving him some time to think.

  Kevin Swift had never been one for religion. He didn’t begrudge others who were religious, but he hadn’t been brought up to believe in one himself. He’d never gone to church or anything of the sort, but in that moment, Kevin prayed. He prayed for a miracle to get him out of this situation.

  “Oh, dear baby Jesus. Please, please, please don’t let these yōkai catch me, or light me on fire, or harm me in some way. Oh! And save the animals, too. They really don’t deserve having their homes burned down, especially not for a reason like this.”

  Yes, those were prayers. And, oddly enough, someone answered Kevin’s most unusual prayers. It just wasn’t answered by any god.

  “What do you three think you’re doing to my mate?!”

  “Lilian?!”

  It was, indeed, Lilian who found them. She stood some distance away, hands on her hips and a surprisingly intimidating glare marring her features. She stared daggers at the trio of yōkai chasing him. Her foxy ears had been let out, and they twitched violently as if to emphasize her displeasure. Her two white-tipped fox-tails writhed behind her like a pair of king cobras spitting venom.

  “My Lilian!” The three yōkai boys cried out in unison, happy tears streaming out of their eyes as they gazed upon the object of their obsession. It didn’t seem to matter that she looked ready to flambé them, or that her body was shaking in apoplectic rage. They seemed joyous merely to bask in her presence.

  Kevin would have shuddered, but another fireball came close to turning him into a pile of ash, forcing him to swerve.

  “Did you just say that I was ‘your Lilian?’” The redhead twitched, and the writhing of her tails became increasingly intense. Ominous shadows hid her eyes as Lilian lowered her head, long locks of crimson falling in front of her face. “You know what? I take my question back. I don’t care why you’re chasing my mate anymore. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you are, and I’m going to teach you three a lesson.”

  Oh boy. She was serious. In all the time he’d known her, Kevin had never seen such a severe and menacing look on her face. Was this what Chris went up against after he’d passed out from blood loss? Scary.

  “How could you say something like that, Lilian?” Nick seemed genuinely shocked. At least, his voice did. It was kinda hard to tell since he was a ball of fire and all. “He doesn’t deserve to have someone like you in his life! He’s just a human!”

  Kevin winced.

  “I’ll be the judge of that,” Lilian said as bright orangish yellow fox-fire burst into existence, hovering over the tips of her tails. “Now get lost!”

  With a ferocious shout, Lilian launched the fox-fire at the trio of supernatural creatures. The first one struck the blob in the face―um, stomach―while the second one hit the umbrella, setting it alight.

  "Uwa! I’m on fire! I’m on fire! Get it off! Get it off!"

  “Don’t you mean put it out?”

  “Shut up and help me!”


  “What do you want me to do? I’m a hi-no-tama. I light things on fire. I don’t put them out. Do a barrel roll or something.”

  “UWA! Hot! Hot! HOT!”

  While the blob was launched backwards and the karakase-obake began rolling along the floor—which did absolutely nothing to put out the fire consuming its umbrella head―Lilian threw a light sphere at the hi-no-tama, which didn’t even flinch and continued sending fireballs at Kevin.

  “Ha! Your Celestial powers may be devastating, but my elemental nature is fire. Something as simple as that won’t work on me—”

  “Then try this on for size!”

  SMACK!

  “OOOF!”

  Kevin watched in mute shock as one of Lilian’s tails extended and struck the hi-no-tama with incredible force. The fire-natured yōkai went sailing into air, screaming loudly. It ascended higher and higher into the sky, its form getting smaller with each passing second before it vanished in a twinkle of light.

  “And now for you two! Stay away from my mate!”

  An angry Lilian launched more and more light spheres at the two remaining yōkai, causing them to scurry away in fear. Kevin simply stood there like an idiot, watching Lilian thrash the three unusual beings that had given him so much trouble.

  He also made a mental note never to get on Lilian’s bad side. She was really scary when angry.

  When the three yōkai were gone, Lilian turned to Kevin, breathing hard, as if she’d just finished running a marathon. Her eyes scanned his body, searching for what he could only guess were injuries.

  “Are you okay? You’re not hurt anywhere, are you?”

  “Not unless you count my pride,” Kevin muttered softly. Lilian’s ears twitched.

  “Did you say something?”

  “… No,” Kevin shook his head. “I didn’t say anything. Thanks for the rescue.”

  Lilian beamed at him. “Of course. I’ll always come to your rescue whenever you need it.”

  Kevin tried to ignore the clenching in his gut. He looked around―and promptly sweatdropped.