It Only Happens in the Movies

by Holly Bourne

  LouLou made me tilt my head to one side while she dribbled a trail of fake blood down me. “Almost done… Okay, zombie bride. You are as pretty as a picture.”

  Alice removed the towel around my shoulders and I stood up, examining myself from all angles. I looked the oddest mix of beautiful blushing bride, but also, well, a zombie – my long hair ringletted up with daisies, my cheeks flushed, make-up dewy…and a bit of brain dribbling down my head, blood spilling from my rosebud smile. Because I’d managed to do my turning scene in just one take, I had the gorgeous blood-free spare wedding dress on.

  “You guys are miracle workers,” I announced to my reflection. “It’s perfect. Harry’s going to go ape-shit.”

  I saw them all beam in the mirror.

  “Well, I couldn’t have done any of that fancy-pants proper make-up,” LouLou said, taking a sip of her tea.

  Alice looked at her in thanks. “Well, I couldn’t have done any of your stage make-up. We make a good team.”

  The air fizzed with different people getting on and I grinned.

  “Now…” LouLou said. “I have to make myself look like a zombie wedding guest.” She plonked a chair down in front of the mirror, budging me to one side. “If I do all the gore, will you help me look more like a lady?” she asked Alice.

  “Sure.”

  They both got to work and I reached out to finally enjoy my tea. I picked up the many layers of my wedding dress in my spare hand and shuffled onto Alice’s bed, next to Charlie and Becky.

  “Will you take my photo?” I asked. “I want to show Harry.”

  Harry was at the church, setting everything up. LouLou planned to zombify his face at the last moment, “In case the vicar sees and doesn’t let us film there any more.” Needless to say, he wasn’t filming in his parents’ church.

  “You sure you guys don’t want to be extras?” I asked the girls, taking my phone back to pick the best one to send.

  “We were all for it until you mentioned the guts,” Becky said. “But, funnily enough, we’d rather go see a movie than get intestines thrown on our heads as confetti.”

  LouLou twisted away in the mirror. “Oi, where you seeing a movie? Flicker is closed this week.”

  “Uh oh. You’re in for it now,” I murmured, smiling as Becky stuttered out an apology.

  “It’s only because you’re closed. And I don’t think you would show it anyway. It’s just that new film, The Last Days of a Broken Heart. You know, the weepy one?”

  LouLou winked. “I’m only winding you up.”

  My phone buzzed.

  Harry: How do you look that beautiful with half your brain hanging out?

  The blood cracked on my cheek as I smiled. Charlie leaned over and read it before I had a chance to snatch it away.

  “Oh my God, you two are SO IN LOVE, Audrey. What happened to the cold angry cynic who hates romance films?”

  I was cowering too much to stop her swiping my phone and showing it to everyone else. They all cooed, apart from LouLou, who stuck her tongue out.

  “Hey, I still think romance films are unhelpful.” I stood up to retrieve my phone. “I interviewed an expert and everything. But yes…” I felt myself get red. “I may not be as…umm…anti love itself as I used to be.”

  Their squeals were very high-pitched. I flopped back onto the bed, my skirts exploding beneath me as air rushed up them.

  “Has he said he loves you yet?” Alice asked.

  I twisted my hands around each other. “Not quite. But he has said he thinks he’s falling in love with me.”

  More squealing.

  LouLou put her hand up to stop it. “Please,” she begged. “This is too weird for me. I know them both too well. And, well, this is not the sort of thing I want to know.”

  They ignored her though.

  “Oh my God, I bet he says it soon.”

  “Do you love him? You’re blushing, you do!”

  “Seriously, today is, like, your practice wedding.”

  “Maybe he’s waiting for tonight? When the filming is over?”

  “You HAVE to message us when he does.”

  Soon the make-up got finished, the tea got drunk, LouLou and the girls even swapped numbers.

  LouLou and I sat on a wall, waiting for our taxi. She didn’t say anything while I just kind of smiled and felt warm from my friends, and the message from Harry, and also a tiny bit sad that this was the last scene I’d ever shoot as the zombie bride, but also, stupidly, thinking it was kind of magical that Harry and I were sort of getting married today. And, with Rosie killed off, she had to film it for us. That should get the message across without me even looking like I was trying to get a message across.

  Then LouLou said, “So he said he thought he was falling in love with you?”

  I grinned, feeling more dried blood crack across my cheek. “Yeah.”

  More silence.

  “I thought you didn’t want to hear about it anyway?”

  She tilted her head. She looked so cool as a zombie. I mean, she looked uber-cool all the time anyway, but having blood splattered all over her really polished it off.

  “I don’t…I didn’t…I just…”

  “What is it?”

  “I shouldn’t get involved. I said I wouldn’t.”

  “LouLou…?”

  “It’s just, well. He only thinks he’s falling in love with you? Audrey? Are you sure that’s romance, and maybe not just a cop-out?”

  LouLou’s words haunted me for the entire cab journey. She apologized, but she’d still said it. And it had still seeped in – turning what had been a happy memory into a confused one. I mean, saying you think you’re falling in love is the natural precursor to the actual drop, right? Not a cop-out. And it’s not like I’d said it to him, even though I felt it. I was waiting for him to say it first… I knew he did. I mean, he must, right? He was caring and affectionate and honest and loyal and…and…right now looking SO GOOD in a tux that every single thought that wasn’t I LOVE HARRY, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH evaporated the moment I stepped out of the taxi and saw him.

  Jay, Tad and Rob all cheered when they saw me. Jay and Rob put their hands up to form an arch and whooped out the tune “Here Comes the Bride”. LouLou and I gave each other a look and she took my arm, like she was my proud father, and walked me underneath. Towards Harry. Who was waiting there, beaming… In front of Rosie. Who was standing there, glaring. When I reached Harry, he leaned over and kissed me, smearing my bloody lipstick and everyone cheered. It was a bright winter day, the sun throwing gorgeous wintery light onto everything. The air buzzed with the high of it being the final scene. Oh, and the fact Jay opened up his suit jacket to reveal a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

  “What?” he asked, when LouLou made a disapproving face. “It’s our last day. The wrap party starts here!”

  Harry took my hand. “Here, let me show you the set-up,” he said, leading me into the church. I lifted my skirts to scuttle after him, keeping a hand over my face as the bright sunlight made my eyes water. Behind me, I heard LouLou say, “Now, who wants to be attacked by my make-up brush first?”

  Harry led me through the giant double doors, that were so huge and old it was like being in the Hogwarts great hall. Stone pillars held up the high arched roof and the sun flooded through all the stained-glass windows, casting rainbows that bounced off the walls. At the front stood an ornate altar with a stone-carved angel.

  “Harry, it’s perfect,” I whispered.

  There was film equipment everywhere. Two cameras stood on tripods, three big professional lights were erected around the front – there were even two silvery umbrellas.

  He grinned and squeezed my hand. “Isn’t it? I blew all my savings on hiring the extra camera and lights. But I had to make the most of the set.”

  “It’s so nice of the vicar to let us use it.”

  “Yeah, well. He won’t be happy if he ever asks to see the finished footage. I told him we were filming a Save Yourself For
Marriage education video.”

  “Harry!”

  He laughed and dragged me down the aisle to show off the rest of his handiwork. “It’s fine, he won’t ask. He’s a vicar, he’s trusting! God, this church is something, isn’t it? Anyway, you’ll stand here… Let me check the lights are okay.”

  I stood on the small bit of Sellotape he’d put on the floor as a marker, and listened to his clattering noises echo around the high walls. In a blast, I was plunged into bright lights that made me blink and feel instantly hot. Harry pushed another button and another light glared at me. I blinked several times more, knowing Alice would murder me if I let my eyes water and wreck her make-up.

  When I’d finished blinking, Harry stood right in front of me, a smile so wide I could hardly see his eyes.

  “You’re so beautiful.”

  “Even with half my skull missing?”

  “Yes.”

  He stepped forward and we were on the verge of kissing, there, bathed in light and stained-glass rainbows, when…

  A cough, just as he leaned in.

  We looked up and Rosie was standing at the end of the aisle, scowling. “LouLou wants you for make-up,” she told Harry.

  “Ahh, cool.” The moment evaporated and Harry took off, calling to us to turn the lights off.

  The doors swung shut, leaving us alone. I smiled with my mouth closed and walked into the harsh rays of the nearest light to try and turn it off. I couldn’t find the switch though. “Ouch!” I accidentally touched the bulb and burned my wrist.

  “Hang on, I’ll help.” Rosie walked down the aisle. She turned the light off easily then jumped over and did the other one.

  “Thanks,” I said, still cradling my wrist.

  “No problem.”

  Big awkward silence.

  “Is your wrist okay?”

  “Oh, yeah, I think it’s fine.” I was surprised she even cared.

  Big awkward silence. Rosie stood right where the sunlight hit the floor through the stained glass and her face was a paintbox of colours. I tried to think of one thing to say to her, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed, “I like your jumper,” just as she said, “That dress is cool.”

  We both smiled at the jinx before remembering who we were smiling at.

  “Thanks,” I said. “Er…it’s great that you can film today. What with everyone else in the scene.”

  She didn’t reply straight away, just looked up at the window. “Well, Harry killed me off.”

  “Hey, Rosie,” I found myself saying. “Can I ask why you have a problem with me? It would be nice if we could get on. I mean, I know you had a thing with Harry once…”

  Both her eyebrows went up. “Is that what he told you?”

  “Yeah, well… He said you guys…you know…” I was already regretting starting this.

  Her eyebrows drew higher and she smirked. “I always wonder what he tells you.”

  “So you didn’t?”

  “Oh yeah. We did.”

  “Right. Okay then.” The twist of jealousy in my gut was instant – like someone had just shoved my intestines into a spiralizer. In my head the sex was incredible between them – panty and sweaty and she did all the right things. Her smirk confirmed my suspicion that she wasn’t finding this awkward at all – in fact, she was enjoying herself. The rush of dislike overwhelmed me, made me incapable of speech.

  She laughed. “Harry and I go way back, that’s all. We lost our virginity to each other.”

  I almost choked on her revelation.

  “Didn’t he tell you that?”

  “No.”

  “You just have a connection when you share something like that.” She picked off her nail polish. “We’ve always been very on again, off again, you know? It’s like, no matter what happens, we always come back to each other.” She was talking to me like I was a friend and we were reapplying make-up in the loo. Not like I was Harry’s girlfriend. What did she mean by on again, off again – they wouldn’t be on again, surely?

  She examined her nails, looking bored. “So, yeah, sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but we’re in each other’s lives, Audrey. I’ve known him since he was seven. You’ve known him, what? Four months?”

  “I’m his girlfriend.” It was supposed to come out as a statement, but it came out more like a plea.

  She smiled. “For now. Yeah, I guess you are.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I couldn’t keep the disdain out of my voice. How dare she? Come here and tell me that about Harry and her? Knowing it would upset me. Implying their relationship was closer than ours. I was only trying to clear the air. But before I could have it out with her properly, everyone burst through the doors.

  “We’re ready!” Harry yelled. His face was the epitome of childish excitement and all zombified. He stopped when he saw Rosie and I glaring. I may’ve imagined it, but he looked momentarily concerned. Then he clapped, grinned and said, “Amazing, they’re actually getting on!”

  Rosie gave me the fakest smile the universe has ever seen. And all I could do was grin inanely back whilst I was dying inside.

  It took a while to get the shot set up. I had to stand on the Sellotape for ages while they fiddled with the lights. With nothing to distract me from Rosie’s words…

  They’d lost their virginity to each other.

  That was huge. Or was it? It wasn’t like Harry had lied. Just, er, withheld the whole truth. Oh God, the visuals. The visuals of them sleeping together – his hands on her body, mouth on her neck…

  Rosie smirked, well aware of the internal hell she’d unleashed. Harry was totally oblivious – all fired up and barking demands and smiling like it was running out. I tried to get into character. I imagined how happy the zombie bride would feel, to finally get what she wanted, the man she loved, on her own terms… Oh God, was Rosie better in bed than me? I mean, the first time with Harry had been…fumbly…but we were good at sex now. Sort of. Whatever that means… Whoops. No. Zombie bride, zombie bride… How does she feel? What’s her motive? Did Harry really love me, or was it a cop-out? Like LouLou said?

  “Audrey? Audrey?”

  “Yep?” I shook my head to try and dislodge the insecurity spiral.

  “We’re ready for you to walk down the aisle.” Harry tilted his head. “Now, I know you probably want to wait until we’re older or something, but I’m afraid zombie love waits for no man.”

  I smiled thinly and got into position at the back of the church.

  Harry kept grabbing the camera lens off Rosie, leaning over her to explain the shot. “So, you need to hold it tight on Audrey’s face for this take, got it? Are you okay walking backwards? Here…like this.” At least eighty per cent of their bodies were touching. She raised an eyebrow at me and the surge of hatred I felt almost bubbled over. I narrowed my eyes, so noticeably that Harry said, “Woah, Auds, it’s your wedding day. You’re happy, remember?”

  With a final whoosh of instruction, everything was set up. Rosie stood with the lens right in my face. The aisle was empty, ready for me to walk it. I ran through my lines under my breath.

  “I, zombie bride, take thee, undead. To have and to maim, for richer times of brains, and poorer times of brains, in sickness and in general zombieness, to love and to cherish the brains, till undeath do us part…”

  LouLou gave a thumbs up.

  Harry yelled, “AAAAND ACTION.” The red camera light bleeped on. “Walk, Audrey, walk.”

  I found one foot stepping in front of the other but I didn’t feel like the zombie bride. I felt squidged and confused and conflicted. When I got to the top of the aisle, I turned, paused, and found Harry at the end of it, his smile erupting at the sight of me. And, because I wasn’t acting, because I wasn’t lost in my part, I felt this surreal mist descend down on me. I was in a wedding dress and walking down the aisle to my boyfriend. My boyfriend who said he thought he was falling in love with me. Who was grinning like I could mend his life. My boyfriend who had picked up the jagge
d pieces of my humiliated and shattered heart and glued them back together with jokes and care and tenderness, but had also withheld the truth from me. I was supposed to be smiling. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my zombified life.

  I loved him…

  Each step towards him made me surer of that. The ache in my guts, the jealousy pumping around my body. I was in love with Harry. I’d tumbled back down the rabbit hole and swallowed ten tiny bottles of love potion. More steps, the congregation of zombies grew closer. Harry grew closer, his smile unwavering. I’d made myself so vulnerable to him. This boy. This one boy. And, in that moment, I wasn’t sure if I was delighted about that or horrified. I walked and walked, clutching my bouquet of wilting flowers we’d nicked out of a florist’s bin. He got closer and closer. Within seconds I’d get to him and we’d film the service. The zombie bride’s special day. Her happy ending. The happy ending she’d chosen. A lifetime of being undead shared…

  And I was supposed to smile and simper beneath my veil…

  …

  But I found myself screaming and knocking Harry to the ground, attacking his face.

  The whiskey bottle was almost empty.

  “I’d feel bad drinking in a graveyard,” LouLou protested.

  “NONSENSE.” Rob was already wasted. He was wasted before Harry had even called “Action”. “People drink wine in church every Sunday, remember?”

  Harry’s face was already very red. “Dude, it’s not really wine though, is it? It’s the blood of Christ.”

  “Oh, shut up, Catholic boy, you’ve had the most.”

  The last shot had been filmed, the equipment packed away, the blood and fake intestines washed off the stone floor outside. Everyone was so wired that I hated to point out that I was still covered in fake blood. It was matted into my hair, it had sunk into my wedding dress and dried hard against my body. We stood in the winter sunshine, huddled around the car, and poured the rest of the whiskey out into plastic beakers.

  “A toast.” Harry’s smile was so huge I’m surprised it didn’t have its own gravitational orbit. “To Audrey! The zombie bride who COULDN’T EVEN STAND HER ZOMBIE WEDDING.”