Breaking Dawn

by Donna Shelton

  ‘I thought you were in trouble,’ she says.

  ‘I am. But not the kind you’re thinking about.’

  I’m looking at the manuscript now. Brian couldn’t have read much, but there was enough in those few pages to condemn Perry to a living hell. If Brian speaks to Gary about this, then Perry’s little secret will be all over the school by morning.

  Now that it’s morning, I try to call Perry before he gets on the bus. I’m thinking that we can skip the bus and walk to school together. Or better yet, play hooky. My stomach is twisting in knots. I’m just dreading the sound of the bus horn.

  The walk down to the kerb to where the bus is waiting makes me feel as though I am walking into an execution chamber. A little vomit creeps up my throat that I instantly force back down.

  When I board the bus, I see Perry sitting in our usual seat, smiling at me and moving his bag to the side to make room for me. For a minute I want to sigh in relief that he isn’t mad any more. But he doesn’t know about the violation of his privacy yet. In less than 10 minutes, we will be stopping at Brian’s house.

  ‘I was going to ask what you thought about my manuscript, but you look as sick as a dog,’ Perry says. ‘I take it you had a busy night?’

  I know that he is referring to me going all the way with Brian – which I didn’t – but I really did wish he was right and that is all we have to talk about. I don’t know how to break it to him about the manuscript without a hysterical outburst that will draw attention from everyone on the bus. I look over to him but say nothing. His smile fades.

  ‘What did you do?’ He practically growls at me and it’s like he suspects the truth.

  I look around, making sure no one is paying attention. ‘Brian saw it,’ I squeak.

  For the first time in forever, I think that Perry is going to slap me. I wince in anticipation as I watch his expression turn from fury to embarrassment and back. I quietly explain how it happened and before he has a chance to respond, the bus is pulling up in front of Brian’s house. I watch as Brian boards the bus, walks down the narrow aisle towards us. Before he passes us, he stops and leans down to speak to me.

  ‘We need to talk,’ he says, glancing pointedly at Perry who is concentrating on the view beyond the window.

  I only nod. Indeed, we do need to talk.

  When we arrive at school and everyone is filing off the bus, I tell Perry to go on ahead without me and that I will catch up with him later. He goes on ahead without even acknowledging me. I walk with Brian, away from the crowds. We are far from everybody when he takes my arm. We stop and he looks me dead in the eye.

  ‘Dawn, I really like you,’ he says. ‘But if this is going to work out between us, Perry has got to go.’

  I shake my head without hesitating. How dare he make me choose him over my best friend?

  ‘You know I can’t do that.’

  He takes a breath and makes an effort to compose himself.

  ‘I can’t pretend that I didn’t read about Perry’s feelings for me. I feel dirty. I can’t act like nothing is wrong.’

  ‘You would never have known if you hadn’t been snooping in my room last night.’

  ‘It doesn’t change the facts,’ he spits back. ‘I am uncomfortable even being in the same school with him now. How do you think the rest of the guys in gym class will feel when they find out that there’s a fag in the shower with them checking them out?’

  In a panic I grab the sleeve of his jacket and with a voice that’s both threatening and desperate I say, ‘You can’t tell anyone about this. You will destroy him.’

  He jerks his arm out of my grasp. ‘His best interests are not my best interests. We don’t need someone like that in school. What if he tries to turn other guys gay?’

  All my dreams seem to shatter right here and now as I realise that Brian is an idiot. How can Perry ‘turn’ people gay? Does he think Perry is some kind of vampire-creature? I can’t believe my ears. I am furious.

  ‘Perry was my friend before you came along and he will continue to be my friend after you’ve gone.’ My jaw is locked so tight, it starts to hurt. ‘If you spread this around the school, you will destroy him and he doesn’t deserve that.’ Then without giving him a chance to respond, I turn and walk away. He doesn’t try to stop me.

  Later I think that maybe I shouldn’t have been so aggressive; I might have been more effective in persuading Brian to keep Perry’s secret. Too late to change that now.

  All day, Perry avoids me while I avoid Brian and just about everyone else in Brian’s crowd. It is a long day. When the time comes to board the bus, I sit alone. Perry must have chosen to walk home. The entire ride, I continue to ignore Brian and everyone else. I just want to get home.

  CHAPTER 4

  I wake up the next morning hoping the past events were just some horrible nightmare and that I still have my handsome boyfriend and my best friend. I follow my usual morning routine, get dressed, brush my teeth and hair and go down to breakfast. Everything seems normal.

  When I get on the bus, Perry is not there. I sit alone in my usual seat as the bus continues to pick up its students. When it comes to Brian’s house, he boards the bus and walks down the aisle. He hesitates and then slips in beside me. As the bus jolts forward, Brian leans in to me and speaks in a low voice.

  ‘I’m sorry for freaking out on you and for the ultimatum,’ he says. ‘I want to be with you Dawn. If you’re happy, I’m happy.’

  This catches me so off-guard, I just stare at him like a dumb-ass. When finally I speak, I have only one concern. ‘Did you tell anybody?’

  He shakes his head. ‘No.’

  A wave of relief washes over me. Now if only I can find Perry and let him know. I’m sure he’s playing hooky because he thinks his secret will be all over the school by today. I need to find him, to tell him that everything’s okay.

  ‘Where is Perry, anyway?’ Brian asks, looking up and down the bus.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  What I do know is that I need to get off this bus and find Perry.

  When the bus drops us off at school, Brian wants to come with me, but I tell him that it wouldn’t be a good idea. Instead, I have him take my bag and put it in his locker for me. I make my way off the school grounds without being noticed by any of the school staff and over to the city bus stop a few blocks away. The city bus takes me across town, where I get off at a stop about ten blocks from Perry’s house. I shove my hands in the pockets of my parka and walk along snow-covered pavements. At least the wind isn’t blowing bitterly today.

  I make it to Perry’s house safely enough and knock on his door. There is no answer. I knock again, this time even harder. I see the blinds shift and wait impatiently at the door.

  ‘Come on, Perry!’ I am cold and I’m not above begging. ‘I know you’re home!’ I knock again, even harder. ‘Come on, I’m cold, let me in!’

  The metal locks click and snap and the door is pulled open an inch. I push it wide and step inside. Perry is walking back towards the sofa, still in his pyjamas. I close the door behind me and go over to the sofa to sit with him. There is a half-empty bottle of whisky on the coffee table with a shot glass sitting next to it. I can’t tell if it is left over from his mom or if Perry is drinking this early in the morning. He definitely looks like hell.

  ‘I talked to Brian this morning,’ I start to say, watching him roll his eyes to the heavens. ‘He’s not mad any more and he didn’t tell anyone.’

  Perry just smirks. ‘That’s the least of my concerns right now.’

  Now I am confused and very concerned. I’ve never seen him so troubled before.

  ‘My mom is getting married again.’ He looks over at me. ‘To some asshole she met in the pub.’

  ‘I didn’t know she was dating anyone.’

  ‘She’s been off and on with him for almost two months.’

  Perry is looking around at everything except me.

  ‘Last time I saw him, he slapped me right in fron
t of her and she didn’t say a word.’

  I can’t believe it. Why hasn’t he told me this before? I thought I knew everyone and everything in his life. Why didn’t I know this? Then almost like he’s reading my mind, he turns to me with a sickened look on his face.

  ‘You didn’t know because you were busy hanging out with Brian and his crowd. It’s been going on since then. That’s why I’ve been so moody.’

  Now I’m feeling guilty. I’ve been wrapped up in my own world, and I just didn’t see it when my friend needed me most. That just isn’t like me, and I hate myself for it.

  ‘Do you want to stay with us?’ I ask. This is a topic we’ve talked about before, but only as a ‘what if’ scenario. This time I am serious.

  ‘I don’t know, Dawn.’ Perry seems to be too weary to think about anything at all. ‘We would have to talk with your mom and dad first.’

  ‘Perry, they see you as a son.’

  I know my parents won’t have a problem with Perry moving in. I just don’t know if his mom would actually let him go. ‘My mom and dad think the world of you.’

  ‘I know.’ Perry stares fixated at the whisky bottle. ‘I need to think about this first.’

  ‘Do you want me to talk to them?’

  ‘No.’ He looks back to me, his eyes bloodshot. ‘Not yet.’

  I heave a sigh and sit back, reclining into the sofa. I won’t say anything to my parents until he wants me to. I don’t want to give him another reason to be mad at me by opening my mouth when he’s asked me not to. He reclines back into the soft cushions of the sofa too, and somehow our heads roll in together until they’re touching.

  ‘How about if I just hang out with you today?’ I say as I feel his hair mingling with mine.

  ‘Yeah. I like that idea.’

  We won’t be going to school.

  On Valentine’s Day, Brian and I are having lunch together at school and at some point during our conversation, Brian tells me that Perry has been ditching gym class all week. I think that this is odd because Perry has never mentioned it when we’ve been together. Come to think of it, he doesn’t talk to me about much either at school or on the bus. Normally he would make comments about gym class or the boys in the shower or how Brian now showers with a towel wrapped around his waist. That’s always amused him, especially as the other boys tease Brian about his insecurity.

  On the way home I ask Perry how gym is going and he suddenly goes quiet.

  ‘Brian told you, didn’t he?’

  ‘He said you haven’t been there all week.’

  I wait patiently for him to respond. He is hesitant, and maybe a bit irritated, staring out of the window, but not really seeing what is out there. After a few minutes I realise that he isn’t going to answer me. ‘Why can’t you talk to me?’

  Suddenly he swings his head around. His face is flushed and his eyes flash with rage.

  ‘Back off Dawn!’ He screams for the whole bus to hear. ‘You haven’t given a shit about me since you’ve been seeing Brian. You blow me out and ignore me just to be with your new friends. You have no idea what’s been going on with me, so just back off.’

  I jump back in shock. Where has this come from? This isn’t like Perry. I’m shocked and before I’ve thought about what I’m saying, I’m shooting right back at him.

  ‘I’m tired of you getting at my friends. You don’t want anything to do with them. I can’t even talk about them around you. Are you just jealous, is that it?’

  ‘Don’t flatter yourself, it isn’t jealousy.’ His eyes are lined with tears of frustration. ‘Do you think those people would have given you the time of day if you weren’t involved with Brian?’

  ‘Don’t even pretend you hate Brian,’ I say through grinding teeth, ‘when we both know you’re ticked off because Brian’s doing me and not you.’

  The entire bus falls silent. Perry’s face goes pale. Even through my anger, I know that I’ve screwed up; I shouldn’t have said that. Not here, not with Brian just three seats behind us, not on a bus full of kids that we have to see everyday.

  Then, out of the silence, Gary stands up and pointing to Perry, he shouts, ‘I knew it! You were checking out his ass!’

  Brian grabs Gary and pulls him back down into his seat as the whispers and giggles and comments start to rise. At the next stop, Perry grabs his bag and climbs over me to make a run for the door. I sit back trying to absorb all that is happening, hearing ‘gross’ and ‘fag’ comments from the other kids; some of them are supposed to be my friends – from Brian’s crowd. I look back at Brian, who shoots me a dirty look before turning back to Gary. I can’t hear what he is saying, but I think that Gary is teasing Brian about the time he caught Perry checking out Brian’s ass.

  God, what have I done?

  Brian has got off the bus at his stop, and he hasn’t spoken a word to me. It feels like the bus driver is taking an age getting to my house. When we do get there, I just can’t seem to get off the bus fast enough and as I step down onto the pavement, my foot hits a thin sheet of ice. Next thing I know, I’m flying forward, my bag leaving my hand, and I hit the ground with a thud. From behind me I hear a roar of laughter as I push myself up off my belly, then to my knees. I wait here, embarrassed, as the bus pulls away, taking the mocking laughter with it. My hands ache from the fall and the clumsy attempt to catch myself, and the ice at my knees is beginning to melt through the fabric of my trousers. I can’t help feeling that I deserve it.

  At home I go straight up to my room. Dad is still at work and Mom is in some room vacuuming. I just want to hide a while.

  I change out of my wet trousers and into some baggy jogging pants. In my mind I go over the fight with Perry. I just don’t have the energy to do anything more than that.

  Sitting on my bed, I look out of the window where the world is covered in a blanket of white glistening snow. The sky is grey and murky with the promise of more snow. This winter seems to be lasting forever. Why does time seem to drag so much when it’s cold outside?

  As I go to lie down on my bed, I see Perry’s manuscript on my desk. I never have got around to reading the whole thing. And although I really don’t feel like reading right now, or doing much of anything for that matter, I take it off my desk and sit down with it anyway. I have to do something to pass the time.

  CHAPTER 5

  I end up falling asleep before I can finish the manuscript. But I make a point of finishing it over breakfast. It is actually a good read. I bet he could get it published if he tried. I know about a lot of the things he writes about, but there is some stuff he writes about that surprises me. I realise that I don’t know him as well as I thought I did.

  I put the manuscript in my bag, with every intention of talking to Perry and working things out. I need to try to fix everything and attempt to get our friendship back to normal.

  I stand by the window by the front door looking out for the bus. The snow is coming down in thick flakes, with almost two inches on the ground adding to the four inches that still lies from the previous fall. The bus is running late and I am secretly hoping that school will be cancelled. This would be a good ‘snow day’. Then just as I start getting my hopes up, ready to pull off my coat, the bus appears, slowly making its way to my house.

  I mush through the snow on the pavement, being extra careful of the tricky patch of ice that caught me before, and make sure I have a firm grip on the handrail going up the steps. I don’t want to look stupid again.

  I’m not surprised when Perry isn’t on the school bus. I want to think that maybe he’s stayed home because of the snow. Or his mom gave him a ride to school. And although his mom has never given him a ride to school in the past, I remain hopeful. There is a first time for everything.

  My mind is racing. Surely the entire school can’t know what happened on the bus yesterday afternoon? There hasn’t been enough time, I tell myself.

  I sit alone in our usual seat. A couple of my so-called friends ask where Perry is and some mak
e ignorant comments. I ignore them at first, but enough is enough and I tell them to shut up because they don’t know what they’re talking about.

  When Brian gets on the bus, he walks right past me without even acknowledging me. That stings, but I have more important issues to concern me.

  I make sure I’m the first off the bus so that I can get to our locker and see if Perry’s been there. Digging through my bag, I am looking for the small piece of scrap paper with the locker combination written on it. I can never remember those numbers. Finally I find it and open the lock. Perry’s leather bomber jacket isn’t hanging there, so I guess he hasn’t come in to school today. I linger at the locker for a while, taking my time, struggling out of my heavy parka and selecting books and other stuff. I’m hoping there’s a chance that I might catch him before first class. But that doesn’t happen.

  Halfway through the day it’s obvious that Perry just isn’t coming to school. By lunch time, I bag up my locker and grab my parka. I just can’t finish the day. I dodge the school staff and head outside and off school grounds to take the city bus that will get me within walking distance of Perry’s house.

  At the end of the line, I step off the city bus into the fresh snow, knowing what a fretful trek this is going to be. The once-shovelled pavements are now covered in snow, making the walk difficult, especially once my socks start getting wet from the melting snow falling into my shoes. I should have worn my boots. At least dry socks would have made the walk a little more bearable.

  By the time I reach Perry’s house, his mom is pulling out of the driveway, probably going to the cafe where she works as a waitress. I slow my pace. I don’t want her to see me. As she drives off in the opposite direction, I go on up to the house.

  I knock on the door, hard enough to hurt my knuckles through my gloves. I wait and watch the drawn blinds for any movement. Perry always looks out of the window to see who’s knocking before he answers the door. When there is no answer, I knock again, even harder.