Attacking Zone (Utah Fury Hockey Book 4)

by Brittney Mulliner

  Wait, what did those girls have to do with it? “What do you mean?”

  “They came over. Uninvited and unannounced.” She smiled. “They talked some sense into me and I realized all the mistakes I’ve made.” She took a breath, scooting back into the couch. “I moved here so Uncle David wouldn’t have to watch me deteriorate. Then I met you.” She looked into my eyes and I felt her pain. “I never meant for us to happen. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone out here. I wasn’t planning on letting anyone else go through this with me.”

  I swallowed and kept silent. I didn’t know what to say. No one can really plan for the future. Did she want an apology for me ruining her plans? Should I say sorry for meeting her? Throwing her off? I wouldn’t.

  I didn’t regret anything about her. Yes, she was a heartbreaker sometimes. Yes, she made me second-guess myself more than any other woman I’d ever met. But she was also someone that made me realize there might actually be more to life, more to my world, than just hockey. She made me want to explore that possibility. See if I could have it all. The house, the family, the team, and the career all at the same time. But then she told me she needed space. She shut the door on that dream, and I was fine moving on. I was fine being the captain everyone could depend on. No distractions.

  No life.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say, Kendall. I didn’t plan on meeting you either, but we did. We both changed each other’s lives, at least for a little while.”

  She nodded, and I swear I saw a tear in her eye.

  “I was willing to try. I wanted to see what could happen, but you shut me out. Twice.”

  She tilted her head as her face contorted to show her pain. “I’m so sorry. Wyatt, I never meant to hurt you. I was scared and I pushed you away.”

  I understood. I did. She’d been through a lot in her life. She’d been through more disappointment and suffering than most people endured in their entire lives. I got that her default was being alone. She was a survivor. Independent. Self-sufficient. I admired her for all of that. But I couldn’t handle the back and forth.

  “I get it, Kendall but I want you to have exactly what you want and need. I wanted to be there for you, even before I knew about your kidneys. I wanted you to be a part of my life.” I tried to smile. “Even though you resisted. Even though we’re sworn enemies. I wanted to see what we could be.”

  She opened her mouth, but I wasn’t done.

  “I can’t do this though. I can’t be the one that gives us one hundred percent while you go from zero to one hundred in a day. I can’t handle the rollercoaster. I need my head to be clear. I need to focus right now.”

  She nodded.

  I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry. You can’t imagine how sorry I am.”

  “I think I can.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

  I shook my head. “I was willing to risk it all. I put myself out there for you. More than I ever have before. I tried. I made the effort. And you just walked away.”

  A few tears broke free and rolled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

  I sighed. “I know you are, but it can’t undo what’s already been done. We can’t go back. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want this to be so harsh, but I have to tell you what I need. Right now, I need to focus all of my heart, mind, and strength on the Fury and the playoffs. My team deserves that.”

  “I understand.”

  I really, really hoped she did. This was less about her and more about the timing and the realities of my life. I didn’t have the luxury of free time. I couldn’t show up to work and zone out on the computer in a cubical. I had to be completely present the second I stepped in the arena.

  “This doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I do,” I continued. “Way more than I thought I could care about someone else.” I swallowed again and reminded myself to keep it together. “But I can’t do this right now. My team needs me.”

  She slowly stood up. “I know.”

  I stood and followed her to the front door. She turned and looked up at me with a tear-streaked face. “I’m so sorry, Wyatt.”

  “Me too.”

  She stood up and pressed a gentle kiss on my cheek. She turned and let herself out before I had the mental capacity to react or move.

  She was gone.

  Again.

  This time, though, I had the chance to stop her.

  I could have.

  I probably should have.

  But I didn’t.

  Everything I’d said was true. I needed to be there for the team. The guys deserved that. But I could have let her in. Allowed us to try again but warned her that I needed time and space for the next few weeks. But I didn’t.

  I didn’t know if I’d regret that. I wouldn’t know until things settled and I had a moment to reflect on the decision I made.

  It took every ounce of strength to tell her no. To let her leave.

  It wasn’t the decision I wanted to make. I wanted nothing more than to jump across the couch and take her in my arms, but I couldn’t.

  My life, my choices, affected so much more than just me. If I was distracted, it hurt the team. We’d worked too hard to get where we are for me to blow it when it counts the most.

  If things were supposed to be different, if we belonged together, we would find our way back.

  What was that saying? If you love something set it free?

  That’s what I was doing. If we were meant to be, we would be. Eventually.

  As much as it hurt, I had to shove it down. Ignore that pain and focus on the days ahead. I went to the freezer and grabbed several bags of ice I had stored and moved to my bathroom for an ice bath.

  The second my toes hit the icy water, the physical pain took over. It was exactly what I needed.

  Each needle prick of pain was deserved. It was what I needed.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Kendall

  I was in shock. Of all the possible outcomes I’d imagined, that was not one of them. Colby and Emma had been so sure. They told me over and over again that Wyatt missed me. That he cared about me. That all I had to do was show up and let him know I’d made a mistake.

  They made it seem so easy.

  It turned out to be one of the hardest things I’d ever endured.

  I’d tried so hard to keep it together. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, but the moment he told me he had been willing to try. Past tense. Done.

  I knew. I knew my chance with him was gone. I’d had one of the most amazing men in my life and I shoved him away. I did it. I couldn’t blame him, or my disease, or anything else.

  I’d ruined what could have been the best thing to ever happen to me.

  I’d thrown away the perfect man.

  How was I supposed to live with myself after this?

  Just carry on with work, school, and treatments like I didn’t know what was out there? Like I didn’t know how much better life could be?

  There was no going back from Wyatt. There was no one else to look forward to. It might seem dramatic, but it was true. I knew in my soul, he was the perfect person for me. So why? Why? Why? Why had I tossed him to the side?

  I was afraid.

  I knew it, but I didn’t want to admit it. Not to him, not even to myself.

  I was afraid of being happy because I knew from past experiences that it didn’t last. Nothing good did. I thought it would be easier to end it now than endure his loss later.

  It wasn’t.

  I would have rather loved then lost than never loved at all. That stupid quote was so true. Now though, I didn’t have that option. I’d ruined it.

  I was walking through the lobby of his building when Colby called to me. I turned to her and she immediately ran over and threw her arms around my shoulders. “Oh honey. What happened?”

  I wanted to be mad at her. To blame her for making me go through with her crazy scheme. I wanted to blame her for the pain I was feeling, but it wasn’t fair.

  I’d done th
is. I made it happen. There was no one to blame but myself.

  She led to me a sitting area and sat with me on the sofa. “Kendall, what’s wrong?”

  I took a deep, shaking breath. The tears hadn’t stopped since I shut the door. I was breaking apart and past the point of caring who saw me. I didn’t care if I looked crazy. I felt it.

  “He told me it was too late. I’d put him through too much already.”

  She gasped. “He did? How could he do that?”

  “Because I have. He’s been nothing but amazing, and I kept pushing him away. I was running away from the possibility of us. Now, I’ve ruined it. My chance with him is gone.”

  She shook her head. “He’s just stressed because of the playoffs. He’s not in his right mind.”

  “I don’t think so, Colby. I think he’s had time to process everything and he made the right decision for him. He needs to focus on the team, and I’m a distraction. It’s fair. I deserve it.”

  She scanned my face and finally sighed. “You’re giving up?”

  I nodded. “I haven’t been fair to him. I shouldn’t have waited this long to get my crap together and tell him how I’ve felt. It’s all my fault.”

  She pursed her lips and nodded. “I’m so sorry, Kendall. If I ever thought for a second, this could happen I never would have mentioned it in the first place. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

  “I know.” I smiled. “It’s not your fault, or his. This one is on me.” I stood and wiped my face. “I’m going to go to the café to make sure I still have a job. I’ll see you later though.”

  I didn’t know if that was true. Colby cared about me because I was in Wyatt’s life. That changed, so did our friendship end too?

  She stood and gave me a quick hug. “I’ll see you later.”

  I turned and walked out before I lost my nerve and fell apart again. I walked the few blocks to the café and hesitated when it came into view. It had been almost two weeks since I’d last worked. Had Joey replaced me? She told me to rest, but was my chance gone here too?

  I opened the door and stepped inside. There were only a few customers sitting around, but no one in line. Matt looked up and nodded once. “Welcome back.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not. “Thanks. Sorry I was out for so long.”

  I really did feel guilty about that. I never meant for my problems to affect everyone else around me.

  He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you’re back though.”

  “Thanks, is Joey here?”

  He nodded and I walked around the counter to meet my fate. Joey was sitting at the back desk with bedazzled glasses perched on her nose.

  “Joey?”

  She turned and smiled when she saw me. She took off her glasses and waved me forward. “I’m so happy to see you, Kendall. I didn’t know if or when I would again.”

  We hugged.

  “I’m so sorry, Joey. I know I’ve let you down. I want to promise you it won’t happen again, but I don’t think I can.”

  Joey waved me off. “Life is unexpected and try as we might, we can’t control the future. I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”

  “I am. I’ve started treatments and I’m beginning to feel more normal.”

  She nodded. “But is this just a Band-Aid?”

  I didn’t want to admit it. I really didn’t want to tell her what was coming next. “In most cases, dialysis can be enough to keep people healthy and fully functional.”

  She tilted her head. “But in your case?”

  “Mine is genetic. I’m headed to complete failure.”

  “Meaning?”

  I sighed. “I’ll need a transplant.”

  “In the next ten years?" She seemed hopeful.

  I shook my head. “In the next six months is more likely.”

  “Oh Kendall.” She had me wrapped in her arms before I could protest. I didn’t want her sympathy. I didn’t deserve it or her kindness.

  I patted her back. “It’s going to be okay.”

  That was the most ironic thing about being terminally ill. I was usually the one comforting people about my condition. I didn’t mind, usually. I’d had my whole life to wrap my head around what was coming. It was a shock to everyone else.

  She stepped back and nodded. “Of course, it is. Has your family been tested? Do you have a donor?”

  I shook my head. “A few soldiers volunteered, but they weren’t a match either.”

  She nodded once, determined. “Well, I’ll get tested, and I’m sure we can get the customers too. Maybe your friend Wyatt?”

  She looked hopeful and I hated to take that from her.

  “Donating a kidney is a big deal. I don’t want you to worry about it. We can’t both be gone. Matt would quit.”

  She laughed.

  “And I don’t think our customers or even Wyatt would be likely to donate to me.”

  Her eyebrows pulled together. “What happened with our captain?”

  I didn’t want to talk about this. I really, really didn’t. Joey deserved some answers though. “We’re not…” I paused not knowing what to say. We didn’t exactly break up, we were never really together. “We’re not friends.”

  She looked as confused as I felt. “Of course, you are.”

  I shook my head. “No, we’re done.”

  She mumbled something under her breath. “Well, we can worry about that later. In the meantime, are you feeling up to working?”

  I nodded. A distraction was just what I needed.

  I pulled on my apron and headed out to the front. When Matt saw me he actually smiled. “Oh good. I was getting really sick of working doubles. The temp Joey brought in is clueless. Can’t even make a regular cup without messing something up.”

  The guilt in my stomach increased. “I’m so sorry, Matt. I can’t imagine how hard that was with school on top of it.”

  He just shrugged. “You would have done it for me.”

  I smiled. Yeah, I probably would have, at least for Joey’s sake.

  It was easier than I’d thought to fall back into the routine of work. I helped all the customers that came in despite Joey and Matt’s offers to help. I owed them enough.

  “Matt, you should go home. I’ve got this.”

  He seemed hesitant, but once Joey agreed he was gone in a flash. Poor guy. He hadn’t had a day off in weeks. Hopefully he wasn’t too far behind in his classes. I’d hate to know he was failing because of me. That was more than my conscience could take at this point.

  The next day I came in to open and texted Matt halfway through the day that it was slow, so he didn’t have to come in. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but Joey agreed that he deserved it. I offered to cover for him a few days in a row, but he told me one day was plenty.

  My professors were still sending me the information I needed, and since I didn’t have a life outside of work, I was able to catch up at night.

  This was my life.

  Sleep, work, study. Repeat.

  This was what I wanted when I moved here. I was going to focus. Finish my degree and get back home as soon as possible.

  That wasn’t my dream anymore.

  Knowing what I could have had was agony, pure torture. Over the next few days, I found myself zoning out and thinking about what could have been. Where I could be at that moment if I wasn’t such an idiot.

  The Furies were in the finals. They’d made it.

  As hard as it was to see him, I watched every game.

  Uncle David was heartbroken the Harbor only made it to the first round, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him my allegiance had changed.

  I wanted to celebrate with Wyatt. I wanted to storm into his house, plant a kiss on him and tell him how proud I was.

  But I couldn’t.

  The girls had been calling and texting me with updates. Even Chloe called and told me that despite what Wyatt said, he wasn’t acting himself. He was playing his best, but he didn’t celebrate
with the team. After each game he went back home or to the hotel. Alone.

  As happy as I was that he hadn’t moved on, I was heartbroken I’d done this to such an amazing man.

  He didn’t deserve what I put him through. I just wish I could take it all back. Redo all my mistakes.

  It was game three of the series tonight, and the game was at home. The café was dead. We hadn’t had a customer in over an hour.

  “You should just head home.”

  I looked over to Joey and shook my head. “No, you go home. Watch the game.”

  She smiled. “How about we shut it down and head down to that restaurant on the corner? With all the TVs. They’ll have it on and we can watch together.”

  Not spending the night alone? In my tiny apartment? Yes please. Somehow Joey always seemed to know what I needed, even when I didn’t.

  We worked quickly to clean up and close out the register. “Ready?” Joey asked.

  I nodded and joined her at the front door. After we locked up, we headed down the street together. The sports bar was packed, of course, with fans watching the game, but that didn’t deter Joey. She walked past the hostess and to the bar. She waved at the man behind it.

  “Hey Danny. Have room for two?”

  The large, tattooed man looked up from the drinks he was mixing and nodded when he saw Joey. “For you? Always. Let me take care of you.”

  Within a minute he had two barstools cleared and we had front row seats to the large flat screen playing the game.

  “What can I get for you two?”

  He didn’t offer a menu, but I figured if I played it safe he wouldn’t bat an eye. “Chicken fingers and a Coke?”

  He nodded and looked to Joey. “Same.”

  He poured our drinks then left for the other end of the bar.

  “The Fury is up.”

  I looked at the score and sure enough they were winning by two. “It’s only the first period. We have forty-five minutes of playing time left.”

  “Our boys have this don’t you worry. We won’t see a game five.”

  I wish I felt as confident as she did. I was too stressed. I watched the puck and the players move across the ice without breathing.