State of Grace

by Foster, Delia

  “Although, I still can’t believe you two. Should have known the way you went at each other like cats and dogs.”

  Sean expelled a breath as Lucas took the small die-cast car from his hand. The pink, glittery die cast car. “I’ll never forget when we woke up that morning and she’d painted my entire fleet of hot wheels in pink and glitter nail polish. How old were we again?”

  “I think eleven,” Lucas murmured, as he stared at the object in Sean’s other hand. “You can’t blame her, though. She was a genius at retaliation.”

  Sean looked down at the short braid of thick, red hair he held in his hand and realized his fingers had been unconsciously rubbing the strands between his fingers. A rubber band held the hair together close to where it had been snipped, and a floppy pink ribbon tied the other end. Lucas was right. They’d been eleven. He’d tortured a six-year-old Grace mercilessly that summer, culminating in the ultimate offense. The night of a sleepover, he’d snuck into her room, and as she slept, he’d snipped off a few inches of the hair she was always whipping around in a long braid.

  Fear had overtaken him almost immediately, knowing the trouble he was bound to get into was going to be epic. But it had been worth it in his demented little brain.

  To her credit, she hadn’t ratted him out, even though she had to have known it was him. Her big brother would never have done something like that to his precious baby sister, and he was the only friend over that night. The morning after, she’d calmly told her parents she’d done it accidentally, when playing with scissors. They’d grounded her for two weeks. The morning after that, he’d woken up to all of his worldly possessions he’d brought with him to the Sinclair home covered in several coats of bubblegum pink and multi-colored glitter nail polish.

  “Why’d you do it anyway? Of all the torture you ran on her, I think that one was the worst. She cried so much after she had to cut her hair to even out that whack scissor job.”

  Remorse ate at him, twenty years later. Even as an eleven-year-old, he’d felt it, but he’d been selfish and stupid. He’d loved to torture her just as much as he’d been equally obsessed with the little girl with a snappy mouth and shiny dark hair that couldn’t decide if it wanted to be red or brown.

  A few moments lapsed in silence before he spoke. “I just wanted a little piece of her,” he said hoarsely. “Even then. I’ve been drawn to her my whole life. I never knew why, but I always needed her. Even when she was giving me hell.”

  Lucas looked at him strangely and was silent for a few moments.

  “That’s some pretty creepy stalker shit. Maybe I should beat your ass again.”

  Sean’s eyes widened momentarily before he realized his friend was joking with him. He relaxed as Lucas rolled up his sleeves.

  “Okay, let’s get the rest of this shit out of here.” He grunted as he hefted one of the other boxes, cursing under his breath at the weight. Sean heard words like bricks, shit, body, fucker, anchor, and bottom of the ocean.

  He swallowed a laugh before shoving the car and braid into his pocket and picking up the other box to follow Lucas out of the room.

  They weren’t going to talk about warm and fuzzy feelings, but Lucas’s presence (without kicking the shit out of him) spoke volumes.

  It was his green light.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  “I was impregnated by a monkey.”

  Grace methodically continued to erase lines on the whiteboard with room and doctor assignments for patients that had been discharged that day.

  “We’re having twins.”

  She finished erasing before picking up a marker to quickly write in changes to current patients on the roster. As she was finishing up, she felt a sharp jab in her rib. “Ouch,” she yelled, turning in the same direction as the injury to find her attacker.

  Leah.

  Of course.

  “You’re walking around like a zombie,” Leah huffed. “It’s even worse than before.”

  “I’m fine,” Grace muttered, turning back to her task.

  “I’ve been talking to you for five minutes!” Leah accused. “No, you’re not fine!”

  No, she wasn’t fine.

  Everyone had thought she was fine. Even she’d thought she was okay. Her brother and sister-in-law had been surprised when she’d moved so quickly in seeing someone else, but they’d liked Jack, and so they hadn’t said anything.

  Two days ago, she’d been at their house for dinner. Explaining Jack’s absence had been rough, but she hadn’t seen surprise on their faces. After dessert, Sophie had hauled her into the bedroom to show off some new clothes. In hindsight, she should have known something was up, especially when Lucas just nodded instead of making a sarcastic remark. Feelings of dread seeped into her bones as she’d listened to Sophie speak. Since then, her sister-in-law’s words played through her mind on a continuous loop, even as she slept, she couldn’t escape them.

  Sean is leaving. He put his house on the market and it sold. He’s going to London.

  If you love him, you’ll go after him Grace. Push your pride aside, and you’ll just do it. Do you love him enough to do that?

  She knew the answer to the question almost the instant she was asked. She was a coward. It was plain and simple.

  He took her breath away. He made her heart race.

  He was everything she dreamed about and everything she was afraid of—all rolled up into one intensely hot, amazing package.

  He knew everything about her. When to push and when to comfort. When to give and when to take.

  And she was terrified that she wouldn’t be enough for him. That he would need more.

  What if she caved and begged him not to move to London and he rejected her and left anyway? The pain from that would surely kill her. What she was going through right now couldn’t be as bad as it would be if that happened.

  “Why did you just write coward next to Mr. Crabtree’s room? I mean, I’ve heard he’s not pleasant to deal with, but–” Leah’s voice filtered through, and Grace gasped when she realized what she’d done.

  “It was a mistake,” she mumbled, quickly erasing it.

  “You’re not a coward, Grace,” Leah said stridently. “We all have cowardly moments, but having a cowardly moment does not a coward make. Although, working two back-to-back shifts does a zombie make, and girlfriend, I love you, but you are at the bottom of your game right now. You can’t continue like this. Shift over, go home, get some sleep, and then go find your man and have hot makeup sex. And in case you’re confused, I’m talking about Sean, not Jack.”

  Finally looking away from the board, she turned stricken eyes to her friend.

  “What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he sees through me?”

  Irritation flashed in Leah’s baby blues before she grabbed Grace’s hand and hauled her off to a single women’s restroom. She pressed on the latch to lock the door and then whirled Grace around to face the mirror.

  “Sees through what exactly?”

  “Through me. Through my personality. Through how I look. What if he realizes I’m not what he wants?”

  At least she wasn’t crying. Here she was, confiding in Leah of all people, but at least she was keeping the tears at bay.

  Leah stamped her tiny foot impatiently. “And what if he does? What if you realize that he isn’t what you want? That he’s just some immature, overgrown frat boy, and you’re just hanging onto some crush on your big brother’s best friend.”

  The words flew out of her mouth before she could even think them. “That won’t happen. Sean can be a clown sometimes, but he’s the best person I know. He’s brilliant, and witty, and patient, and kind, and hot …” her voice trailed off.

  Leah squinted. “How long have you felt this way?”

  “I was five. Since I was five. Although the kind part didn’t always apply when we were kids, and the hot part only started when I was thirteen.”

  As she spoke, it hit her – she’d felt but she’d never analy
zed or thought about it. Realization began to crash through her—

  “So you want him because you see all these amazing things in him. Why can’t the reverse be true, Grace? What was he doing holed up with you in your apartment every night, blind to the rest of the female population? Playing Scrabble?” Leah asked sarcastically. “You are one of the most confident, self-assured people I have ever met in my life, but you suck at this.”

  Grace swallowed, hating herself for her insecurity, but she couldn’t prevent the next question from tumbling out. “I saw him with someone else a few days ago when I was grocery shopping. What if he’s moved on? What if I lose him?” she whispered.

  Leah’s mouth drew tight in a straight line and she put her hands on her scrub covered hips. Lucky Charms this time, with little leprechauns scattered about. “Honey, if you don’t do anything, you already have lost him.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  She pounded on the door after five failed attempts at ringing the doorbell. She felt weak and tired, but it was impossible to go straight home and to bed after her shift. After what felt like an eternity of pounding, she pressed her thumb to the bell again, ringing it furiously before deciding to add some vocals.

  “Hey, open up!”

  A loud crash sounded from within, momentarily drowning out the sound of the bell when the door swung wide open, and her brother stood before her, slightly out of breath.

  “Grace, what the hell? Are you okay?” His dark brow furrowed.

  She gaped at her sibling.

  It couldn’t be helped. He stood in front of the doorway, clutching the lapels of a silk purple robe clearly several sizes too small.

  Her mouth opened and closed several times before she uttered, “What are you wearing, Lucas?”

  At her question he seemed to realize his predicament, and he grabbed her arm, yanking her inside. He’d just slammed the door shut, when his wife appeared.

  “Lucas, baby, what—” Sophie rounded the corner from the hallway, in a similar state of dishabille when Grace caught sight of her. She looked from her brother to his wife, before she lost it. The lack of sleep, caffeine, and the small flame of hope that started to burn once again made her absolutely giddy.

  Sophie looked at her with concern. “Honey, are you okay?”

  Grace laughed harder, a hand halfheartedly flailing in her brother’s direction. “Have you seen what my brother is wearing?” she wheezed.

  A smile flirted at the corners of Lucas’s mouth. “We were, ahhhh, interrupted.” He mock glared at his sister.

  She kept giggling, but as Sophie moved toward her husband, and he encircled his arm around her waist, she began to sober.

  “Let’s go in the living room,” Sophie suggested.

  Grateful at her brother’s disarming appearance for breaking the ice, she kept a smile on her face but shook her head. “I won’t be here that long, it’s okay, we can talk here.”

  She inhaled a deep breath before continuing. “Lucas, you are my big brother, my protector, and my hero. And I was so afraid of disappointing you, that I made a lot of mistakes. I still don’t want to disappoint you, but I love Sean, and I don’t think it’s the kind of love that’s going to stop anytime soon, and I need you to accept that.”

  “Grace—” he interrupted, but she held her hand out.

  “Please let me finish.”

  He pulled his lips between his teeth but nodded. “I know he’s your best friend, and he’s like a brother to you, and if I could have chosen a path for love, it wouldn’t be one that would hurt you. And I told him no, I told him no because I was scared of what I was feeling, and I was scared of how you’d react, and now I get that that was wrong. I pushed him away, but I’m going to hope that he loves me as much I love him, and he’ll take me back. And you’re going to have to deal with that. Everyone is.”

  As she spoke, her gaze bounced from her brother to Sophie to her hands then feet, and back again. Finally, she stopped rambling and stared at them both nervously, twisting her hands.

  “Okay.”

  Her brows drew close together as she stared at her brother.

  “What did you just say?”

  “Okay. Go get him, tiger.”

  Stunned, she stared stupidly at her brother while her sister-in-law smiled widely.

  Lucas took pity on his sister. “Look, I know I had a pretty, umm, strong reaction.” He paused, running his free hand through his thick hair, but not once did he drop eye contact with his sister. “He’s a good guy. You could do worse,” he said gruffly.

  Her eyes glistened with moisture. “Thank you. Thank you so much. You’re the best brother. I would hug you, but I suspect you’re not wearing much under there, and I don’t need confirmation.” She gave him a watery smile.

  Sophie burst out laughing as Lucas turned a few shades of red. “You’re probably right,” he muttered.

  “I love you both—so much. I am so thankful to have you in my life.” Her smile wavered. “By any chance, do you know where Sean is right now?”

  Lucas glanced at clock in the hallway. “He’s probably on a flight to London at this minute.”

  She turned pale. “Oh shit. I have to go.”

  She whirled and almost ran the short distance to the door when she heard Sophie call out. “You’re still coming to dinner tomorrow night, right?”

  Hand on the doorknob, she paused mid-bolt and blurted what came to the forefront of her mind. “I don’t know, I might be moving to London. I’ll let you guys know!”

  At his sister’s declaration, Lucas turned to look at his wife, confusion marring his expression. Fighting a smile, she loosened the knot in her silk robe and slowly walked backwards into the hallway. “Should we resume—?”

  She didn’t get a chance to finish her question, but she did feel him groan as he crashed his mouth down on her laughing one.

  And for the next hour, Grace, Sean, and London were all but forgotten.

  Chapter Twelve

  She hated flying. Turbulence often scared her, even though she logically knew that the most likely times for a plane to crash were during takeoff and landing, but she couldn’t help it.

  She was in a giant aluminum tube in the sky with no escape or way out.

  When the cocktail cart came around, she ordered two glasses of cabernet sauvignon in one sitting to quell her anxiety. Even though the flight attendant blandly swiped her credit card, the elderly woman sitting next to her sniffed judgmentally.

  “I get nervous on airplanes,” she said defensively, taking a sip of her wine. It would be a shame if her plane crashed, and she never got a chance to tell Sean how she felt.

  But then of course, if he rejected her, she’d be wishing she was swimming with the fish at the bottom of the Atlantic.

  Even though anxiety coursed through her veins, the two glasses of wine on an empty stomach combined with the little amount of sleep she’d gotten in the past couple of days, resulted in her promptly passing out.

  Six hours later, she jolted awake when the wheels of the plane touched the ground. She stared out the window as the plane taxied on the runway, and the pit in her stomach grew.

  What if this was all a big mistake?

  It got worse as everything came crashing down. She’d hopped in a taxi after she left Lucas and Sophie’s and headed straight to the airport. She’d cringed when she bought her ticket at the counter and had to sign the receipt. At least she’d had her passport with her, but that was all she literally had. Her purse, some credit cards, and a passport. No clothes or makeup, and she probably looked like shit after pulling a double and not sleeping at all.

  Between de-planing and getting into a taxi at Heathrow, she grabbed a few minutes in the ladies’ restroom, wincing when she caught sight of her face. She hadn’t been eating much in the last month and a half, and her cheekbones seemed a bit more prominent. It looked strange on her. Not to mention the rest of her face and body … she looked so … tired.

  ”Bags under my
eyes to rival Gucci’s spring line,” she muttered.

  No time to dwell. Excitement and fear made her move quickly, and by the time she was well on her way in a cab her palms began to sweat. Sophie, that valuable, wonderful sister-in-law and fount of information, somehow was in possession of Sean’s hotel and room number and managed to text her the information before her plane had taken off.

  What if he didn’t want to see her? What if he had already moved on?

  Nails dug into her palms as the driver pulled up in front of the hotel. She peeled a few notes out of her bag and slipped it into his hand as he held the door open for her.

  It was go time.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Sean startled in surprise when he heard another knock at the door. He looked at the woman in the corner of his room and back at the door.

  “One second,” he murmured.

  Everything that happened afterward seemed to be in slow motion. He swung open the door and stared open-mouthed at the sight that greeted him.

  He drank her in, his Grace, standing before him. She looked tired and harried, tendrils of hair escaping her ponytail, but he’d never seen her look more beautiful. His mouth worked wordlessly as he stared into those huge gray eyes he adored. Eyes full of want and hope.

  Eyes that widened with dismay as she looked over his shoulder into his hotel room.

  Eyes that brightened with moisture before she turned tail and ran in the opposite direction.

  He turned around and saw the room service attendant waiting expectantly. The young, very blonde, very pretty room attendant.

  Holy fuck.

  He scrambled with agitation for his wallet and nearly threw a ten-pound note at her before he took off.

  “Grace, wait!” he yelled in a stage whisper as he rounded the corner. It wouldn’t do to get kicked out of the hotel, but he knew she heard him. There was no one else in the silent hallway, and her pace picked up speed.

  “Grace!”

  He sent a prayer of thanks up to whatever deity it was that compelled him to run every day as he matched her speed and then some before he crashed into her near the elevator.