Just As I Thought

by Grace Paley

  My friend Myrt called one day, that is, called from the street, called, Grace Grace. I heard and ran to the window. A policeman, the regular beat cop, was addressing her. She looked up, then walked away before I could yell my answer. Later on she told me that he’d said, I don’t think Grace would appreciate you calling her name out like that.

  What a mistake! For years, going to the park with my children, or simply walking down Sixth Avenue on a summer night past the Women’s House, we would often have to thread our way through whole families calling up—bellowing, screaming to the third, seventh, tenth floor, to figures, shadows behind bars and screened windows, How you feeling? Here’s Glena. She got big. Mami mami, you like my dress? We gettin you out baby. New lawyer come by.

  And the replies, among which I was privileged to live for a few days, shouted down: —You lookin beautiful. What he say? Fuck you, James. I got a chance? Bye-bye. Come next week.

  Then the guards, the heavy clanking of cell doors. Keys. Night.

  * * *

  I still had no pen or paper despite the great history of prison literature. I was suffering a kind of frustration, a sickness in the way claustrophobia is a sickness—this paper-and-penlessness was a terrible pain in the area of my heart, a nausea. I was surprised.

  In the evening, at lights-out (a little like the Army or on good days a strict, unpleasant camp), women called softly from their cells. Rita hey Rita, sing that song—Come on, sister, sing. A few more importunings and then Rita in the cell diagonal to mine would begin with a ballad. A song about two women and a man. It was familiar to everyone but me. The two women were prison sweethearts. The man was her outside lover. One woman, the singer, was being paroled. The ballad told her sorrow about having been parted from him when she was sentenced, now she would leave her loved woman after three years. There were about twenty stanzas of joy and grief.

  Well, I was so angry not to have pen and paper to get some of it down that I lost it all—all but the sorrowful plot. Of course she had this long song in her head, and in the next few nights she sang and chanted others, sometimes with a small chorus.

  Which is how I finally understood that I didn’t lack pen and paper but my own memorizing mind. It had been given away with a hundred poems, called rote learning, old-fashioned, backward, an enemy of creative thinking, a great human gift disowned.

  * * *

  Now there’s a garden where the Women’s House of Detention once stood. A green place, safely fenced in, with protected daffodils and tulips; roses bloom in it, too, sometimes into November.

  The big women’s warehouse and its barred blind windows have been removed from Greenwich Village’s affluent throat. I was sorry when it happened; the bricks came roaring down, great trucks carried them away.

  I have always agreed with Rita and Evelyn that if there are prisons, they ought to be in the neighborhood, near a subway—not way out in distant suburbs, where families have to take cars, buses, ferries, trains, and the population that considers itself innocent forgets, denies, chooses to never know that there is a whole huge country of the bad and the unlucky and the self-hurters, a country with a population greater than that of many nations in our world.

  —1994

  Traveling

  My mother and sister were traveling south. The year was 1927. They had begun their journey in New York. They were going to visit my brother, who was studying in the South Medical College of Virginia. Their bus was an express and had stopped only in Philadelphia, Wilmington, and now Washington. Here, the darker people who had gotten on in Philadelphia or New York rose from their seats, put their bags and boxes together, and moved to the back of the bus. People who boarded in Washington knew where to seat themselves. My mother had heard that something like this would happen. My sister had heard of it, too. They had not lived in it. This reorganization of passengers by color happened in silence. My mother and sister remained in their seats, which were about three-quarters of the way back.

  When everyone was settled, the bus driver began to collect tickets. My sister saw him coming. She pinched my mother: Ma! Look! Of course, my mother saw him, too. What frightened my sister was the quietness. The white people in front, the black people in back—silent.

  The driver sighed, said, You can’t sit here, ma’am. It’s for them, waving over his shoulder at the Negroes, among whom they were now sitting. Move, please.

  My mother said, No.

  He said, You don’t understand, ma’am. It’s against the law. You have to move to the front.

  My mother said, No.

  When I first tried to write this scene, I imagined my mother saying, That’s all right, mister, we’re comfortable. I can’t change my seat every minute. I read this invention to my sister. She said it was nothing like that. My mother did not try to be friendly or pretend innocence. While my sister trembled in the silence, my mother said, for the third time, quietly, No.

  Somehow finally, they were in Richmond. There was my brother in school among so many American boys. After hugs and my mother’s anxious looks at her young son, my sister said, Vic, you know what Mama did?

  My brother remembers thinking, What? Oh! She wouldn’t move? He had a classmate, a Jewish boy like himself, but from Virginia, who had had a public confrontation with a Negro man. He had punched that man hard, knocked him down. My brother couldn’t believe it. He was stunned. He couldn’t imagine a Jewish boy wanting to knock anyone down. He had never wanted to. But he thought, looking back, that he had been set down to work and study in a nearly foreign place and had to get used to it. Then he told me about the Second World War, when the disgrace of black soldiers being forced to sit behind white German POWs shook him. Shamed him.

  * * *

  About fifteen years later, in 1943, in early summer, I rode the bus for about three days from New York to Miami Beach, where my husband in sweaty fatigues, along with hundreds of other boys, was trudging up and down the streets and beaches to prepare themselves for war.

  By late afternoon of the second long day, we were well into the South, beyond Richmond, maybe South Carolina or Georgia. My excitement about travel in the wide world was damaged a little by a sudden fear that I might not recognize Jess or he, me. We hadn’t seen each other for two months. I took a photograph out of my pocket; yes, I would know him.

  I had been sleeping waking reading writing dozing waking. So many hours, the movement of the passengers was something like a tide that sometimes ebbed and now seemed to be noisily rising. I opened my eyes to the sound of new people brushing past my aisle seat. And looked up to see a colored woman holding a large sleeping baby, who, with the heaviness of sleep, his arms so tight around her neck, seemed to be pulling her head down. I looked around and noticed that I was in the last white row. The press of travelers had made it impossible for her to move farther back. She seemed so tired and I had been sitting and sitting for a day and a half at least. Not thinking, or maybe refusing to think, I offered her my seat.

  She looked to the right and left as well as she could. Softly she said, Oh no. I became fully awake. A white man was standing right beside her, but on the other side of the invisible absolute racial border. Of course, she couldn’t accept my seat. Her sleeping child hung mercilessly from her neck. She shifted a little to balance the burden. She whispered to herself, Oh, I just don’t know. So I said, Well, at least give me the baby. First, she turned, barely looking at the man beside her. He made no move. So, to my surprise, but obviously out of sheer exhaustion, she disengaged the child from her body and placed him on my lap. He was deep in child-sleep. He stirred, but not enough to bother himself or me. I liked holding him, aligning him along my twenty-year-old young woman’s shape. I thought ahead to that holding, that breathing together that would happen in my life if this war would ever end.

  I was so comfortable under his nice weight. I closed my eyes for a couple of minutes, but suddenly opened them to look up into the face of a white man talking. In a loud voice he addressed me: Lady, I wouldn’t
of touched that thing with a meat hook.

  I thought, Oh, this world will end in ice. I could do nothing but look straight into his eyes. I did not look away from him. Then I held that boy a little tighter, kissed his curly head, pressed him even closer so that he began to squirm. So sleepy, he reshaped himself inside my arms. His mother tried to narrow herself away from that dangerous border, too frightened at first to move at all. After a couple of minutes, she leaned forward a little, placed her hand on the baby’s head, and held it there until the next stop. I couldn’t look up into her mother face.

  * * *

  I write this remembrance more than fifty years later. I look back at that mother and child. How young she is. Her hand on his head is quite small, though she tries by spreading her fingers wide to hide him from the white man. But the child I’m holding, his little face as he turns toward me, is the brown face of my own grandson, my daughter’s boy, the open mouth of the sleeper, the full lips, the thick little body of a child who runs wildly from one end of the yard to the other, leaps from dangerous heights with certain experienced caution, muscling his body, his mind, for coming realities.

  * * *

  Of course, when my mother and sister returned from Richmond, the family at home wanted to know: How was Vic doing in school among all those gentiles? Was the long bus ride hard, was the anti-Semitism really bad or just normal? What happened on the bus? I was probably present at that supper, the attentive listener and total forgetter of information that immediately started to form me.

  Then last year, my sister, casting the net of old age (through which recent experience easily slips), brought up that old story. First I was angry. How come you never told me about your bus ride with Mama? I mean, really, so many years ago.

  I don’t know, she said, anyway you were only about four years old, and besides, maybe I did.

  I asked my brother why we’d never talked about that day. He said he thought now that it had had a great effect on him; he had tried unraveling its meaning for years—then life family work happened. So I imagined him, a youngster really, a kid from the Bronx in Virginia in 1927; why, he was a stranger there himself.

  In the next couple of weeks, we continued to talk about our mother, the way she was principled, adamant, and at the same time so shy. What else could we remember … Well, I said, I have a story about those buses, too. Then I told it to them: How it happened on just such a journey, when I was still quite young, that I first knew my grandson, first held him close, but could protect him for only about twenty minutes fifty years ago.

  —1997

  Peacemeal

  Because I believe in the oral tradition in literature, I have been opposed to cookbooks. But I must concede I missed my chance. My mother and grandmother died silent and intestate—as far as borscht and apple pie are concerned. Or is it possible that I wasn’t listening, that I was down the block drinking chocolate sodas and watching gang fights, which, in my part of the Bronx, raged between the kids of the Third and Fourth International?

  After that, there was the war, then at last the daily life of grown-ups for which supper is prepared every night. I entered that world without a cookbook, but with an onion, a can of tomato sauce, and a fistful of ground chuck. If I have progressed beyond that worried moment, it is not due to cookbooks but to nosiness and political friendships.

  I know lots of these recipes, because in the forty-five minutes between work and a Peace Center meeting I have often had to call Mary or Karl and ask, “How the hell did you say I should do that fish?” I have also gathered some hot tips at the Resistance dinners, which we served once a week at the Peace Center to about a hundred young men who were not going to be part of the U.S. plan to torment and murder the Vietnamese people.

  Certainly this cookbook is for people who are not so neurotically antiauthoritarian as I am—to whom one can say, “Add the juice of one lemon,” without the furious response: “Is that a direct order?” This leads to the people who made this book. We are a local Peace Center in a public neighborhood. We have lived and worked in basements and lofts, churches and storefronts, and are now at St. Luke’s Church.

  Although I have not been very useful to the writing and editing of this cookbook, I now see it as a sensible action—since it’s impossible to invite everyone to supper.

  —1973

  Other Mothers

  The mother is at the open window. She calls the child home. She’s a fat lady. She leans forward, supporting herself on her elbows. Her breasts are shoved up under her chin. Her arms are broad and heavy.

  I am not the child. She isn’t my mother. Still, in my head, where remembering is organized for significance (not usefulness), she leans far out. She looks up and down the block. The technical name of this first seeing is “imprint.” It often results in lifelong love. I play in the street, she stands in the window. I wanted her to call me home to the dark mysterious apartment behind her back, where the father was already eating and the others sat at the kitchen table and waited for the child.

  She was destined, with her meaty bossiness, her sighs, her suffering, to be dumped into the villain room of social meaning and psychological causation. When this happened to her, she had just touched the first rung of the great American immigrant ladder. Her husband was ahead of her, her intentional bulk kept him from slipping. Their children were a couple of rungs above them. She believed she would follow them all up into the English language, education, and respect.

  Unfortunately, science and literature had turned against her. What use was my accumulating affection when the brains of the opposition included her son the doctor and her son the novelist? Because of them, she never even had a chance at the crown of apple pie awarded her American-born sisters and accepted by them when they agreed to give up their powerful pioneer dispositions.

  What is wrong with the world? the growing person might have asked. The year was 1932 or perhaps 1942. Despite the worldwide fame of those years, the chief investigator into human pain is looking into his own book of awful prognoses. He looks up. Your mother, probably, he says.

  As for me, I was not paying attention. I missed the mocking campaign.

  * * *

  The mother sits on a box, an orange crate. She talks to her friend, who also sits on an orange crate. They are wearing housedresses, flowered prints, large, roomy, unbelted, sleeveless. Each woman has a sweater on her lap, for coolness could arrive on an after-supper breeze and remain on the street for the summer night.

  The first mother says, Ellie, after thirty you notice it? the years fly fast.

  Oh, it’s true, says the second mother.

  I am so shocked by this sentence that I fall back against the tenement, breathing hard. I think, Oh! Years! The next sentence I remember is said about twenty minutes later.

  Ellie, I’ll tell you something, if you don’t want to have so many children, don’t sleep in a nightgown, sleep in pajamas, you’re better off.

  Sometimes even that doesn’t help, says the second mother.

  This is certainly an important sentence, I know. It is serious, but they laugh.

  * * *

  Summer night in the East Bronx. The men are inside playing pinochle. The men are sleeping, are talking shop. They have gone to see if Trotsky is still sitting on a bench in Crotona Park. The street is full of mothers who have run out of the stuffy house to look for air, and they are talking about my life.

  At three o’clock in the autumn afternoon, the American-born mother opens the door. She says there is no subject that cannot be discussed with her because she was born in this up-to-date place, the U.S.A. We have just learned several words we believe are the true adult names of the hidden parts of our bodies, the parts that are unnameable. (Like God’s name, says a brother just home from Hebrew school. He is smacked.) The American-born mother says those are the worst words of all, never to use them or think of them, but to always feel free to talk to her about anything else.

  The Russian-born mother has said on severa
l occasions that there are no such words in Russian.

  At 3:45 the Polish-born mother stands at the kitchen table, cutting fine noodles out of dough. Her face is as white as milk, her skin is so fine you would think a Polish count had married an English schoolmistress to make a lady-in-waiting for Guinevere. You would think that later in life, of course.

  One day an aunt tells us the facts, which are as unspeakable as the names of the body’s least uncovered places. The grandfather of the Polish mother was a fair-haired hooligan. He waited for Easter. Through raging sexual acts on the body of a girl, his grief at the death of God might be modulated—transformed into joy at His Resurrection.

  When you’re home alone, lock the door double, said the milky Polish mother, the granddaughter of the fair hooligan.

  On Saturday morning, at home, all the aunt-mothers are arguing politics. One is a Zionist, one is a Communist, one is a Democrat. They are very intelligent and listen to lectures at Cooper Union every week. One is a charter member of the ILGWU. She said she would leave me her red sash. She forgot, however. My friend and I listen, but decide to go to the movies. The sight of us at the door diverts their argument. Are you going out? Did you go to the bathroom first? they cry. We mean, did you go for everything? My friend and I say yes, but quietly. The married aunt with one child says, The truth, be truthful. Did you go? Another aunt enters the room. She has been talking to my own mother, the woman in whose belly I gathered flesh and force and became me. She says, There’s real trouble in the world, leave the children alone. She has just come to the United States and has not yet been driven mad by all the requirements for total health and absolute sanitation.