Forever Blue

by Abby Wilder

  Melinda flopped back on the bed and gripped my hand as another contraction ripped through her body. She screamed and her fingernails bit into my skin. "Is it supposed to be this quick?" she yelled, as though trying to drown out her scream.

  "Everyone's different, love," the midwife assured her. "Are you the father?" She turned to Dad.

  He nodded, but didn't take his eyes from Melinda's belly which was twisting with each contraction.

  "Well, get over here to your wife." The midwife placed her hand on her hip and glared. When he didn't move, she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over to Melinda's side.

  "She's not my wife," Dad corrected the midwife in a hushed tone.

  I looked at him and shook my head.

  "Right," Dad said, mimicking my head movement. "Not important."

  Another contraction made Melinda tense. She screamed and Dad backed away again.

  "I can't do this," he said. "I just can't." And he walked out the door.

  Melinda looked at me wide eyed, her hair matted to her face. "Where's he going?"

  "I'll go get him."

  I found Dad sitting in the waiting area on one of the pink chairs. Around him, pictures of breastfeeding mothers plastered the walls. He hung his head and rested it in his hands.

  I stood in front of him and crossed my arms. "She needs you."

  "I can't, Lenn. I just can't." He shook his head and wiped away a tear.

  "And what about Melinda? Do you think she wants to go through this alone?"

  A great sob racked his body. "I can't stop thinking about Harrison. It frightens me. If anything should happen to this baby or to Melinda—" Dad's shoulders shook.

  I sat down beside him and placed my hand on his shoulder, not sure what else to do. It was warm in the hospital, too warm, and the heat radiating off my father made it even worse.

  "It's too early," he said, his voice almost a whisper. "She has another two weeks yet. What if it means something bad? What if it's Harrison all over again? I can't go through that. I can't lose another son."

  "Everything will be fine." I didn't know what else to say. Of course this frightened him. He was here the whole time with Mum. They went through the pain and agony together, convinced that it would all be worth it as soon as that little life entered the world. He watched as the doctors tried to revive him.

  Dad shook his head again and smiled feebly. "But what if it's not?"

  "It's different this time. The baby will be fine. Come on, Dad. She really needs you." I gently tugged at his shirt but he stayed still.

  "She's not strong like your mother was. Shelley was so excited about Harrison being born. She never even moaned, not once. She had this serene look on her face. It was me who was fussing. She laughed at me and told me to calm down, offered me the gas even." He laughed quietly and wiped the sweat from his brow. "It wasn't until after that things went downhill. She changed. The light was gone from her eyes. She didn't care about anything, least of all me. I didn't even come into the equation, not that I was perfect, far from it. While she was going through all the pain and pushing me away, I just let her. I turned to my work. I'll never forgive myself for that."

  Dad had never talked this openly before. He and Mum had never discussed the separation with me. It just happened. One day they sat me down and told me that although they both loved me greatly, they no longer loved each other. It was a rehearsed script. Mum hadn't cried, her face remained a perfect mask of indifference the entire time. Dad left with an overnight bag and Mum didn't talk about it after that.

  "But now you love Melinda and she needs you. You've got to go to her."

  Dad stood, wiped his eyes and smiled. "You're right. Thanks for listening."

  I wrapped my arms around him and he squeezed me back tightly, then looked over to Melinda's room. "I better go. Do you want to come back in, or just wait here?" he asked.

  "I'll just wait. To be perfectly honest the whole childbirth thing is freaking me out a little."

  Dad laughed. "Good." He took a deep breath, took his glasses off and wiped his eyes, then drew his shoulders back and walked down the corridor.

  I picked up a magazine and flipped through the pages. I was grateful to be out of that room. I preferred to think of childbirth as something special and wonderful, not scream-filled agony. I got out my phone and flicked Sienna a text to update her. I also sent one to Mum. I wasn't sure if she wanted to know, but I thought it best to keep her updated rather than arrive back home and announce I now had a baby brother.

  I could see the door to Melinda's room from where I was sitting. Already, one of the nurses had written out a card with her and the doctor's name on it and stuck it to the door. Nurses and doctors bustled in and out.

  I read magazines that were years old.

  I tried not to think about Ruben.

  I listened to music on my phone.

  I thought about Ruben.

  The cafe was a short walk down the corridor so I got a coffee.

  I thought about Ruben behind the wheel of the car.

  I paced the floor.

  I tried not to think about Ruben.

  I read the information on breastfeeding, post-natal depression and baby's first few months that were displayed in a neat pile of brochures.

  I failed at not thinking about Ruben.

  I sent a reply to Sienna's over-exuberant text. Mum didn't reply.

  Finally, a nurse approached and told me to follow. Her soft shoes squeaked on the linoleum, reminding me of Grams' nursing home.

  Melinda was lying on the bed, a drip hooked up to her arm and something white attached to her little finger. Her heartbeat sounded through the machine and the material wrapped around her upper arm sighed as it released air. She smiled when she saw me, her eyes burning with joy and exhaustion.

  Dad stood with his back to me, hunched over a small bundle in his arms. He turned. "Do you want to hold your little sister?"

  "Sister?"

  Dad smiled. "I guess she just wanted to surprise us."

  She was perfect. A little rosebud mouth that was deep red, a tiny button nose and eyes squeezed shut. She had soft, strawberry-blonde hair that was matted to her head and her skin was tinged blue. She was a perfect little carbon copy of Melinda. I was thankful that she hadn't inherited Dad's severely straight nose like I had. That, and my height were the only features I had inherited from him. I stroked her wrinkled fingers, and her hands jerked open then shut tightly into a fist.

  "She's perfect," I said quietly.

  "Isn't she?" Dad gushed.

  All the anguish was gone. His eyes shone with tears of happiness and he looked over at Melinda with such pride. Emotion welled as I looked at the perfect bundle in my arms and I had to swallow deeply. The baby nuzzled into my shoulder and I wrapped my arms protectively around her.

  "You did well, babe" Dad said, walking over to Melinda and brushing a strand of hair away from her face. He lowered his head and kissed her forehead.

  "What's her name?" I asked.

  Dad and Melinda looked at each other and laughed.

  "You know, I have no idea," Dad said. "We were so certain she was a boy, we never even looked at girls names. I guess we're going to have to get the baby name book out again."

  "It's in my bag," Melinda said, her eyes never leaving her daughter.

  The hospital room was soon flooded with family, friends and people just popping their heads in to peek at the addition. Melinda smiled the whole time, proudly showing off her little bundle. Flowers piled up on the windowsill and teddy bears and clothing lined the shelves.

  Dad decided to stay the night with Melinda and the baby, and visiting hours were long over so he handed me the keys.

  "Will you be alright tonight by yourself?" he asked.

  "I'll be fine, Dad. I'll come down first thing in the morning. Do you need anything?"

  "I've got everything I need in the bag," Melinda replied.

  "And I'll be fine. I'll pop home for a shower to
morrow. Right now I just want to be with my girls," Dad said.

  I swallowed the pain that lodged itself in the back of my throat and took one last look at them. Dad was perched on the bed with Melinda who was holding the baby. They made a gorgeous family, one that I wasn't part of.

  I fell asleep so quickly and so deeply it seemed no time at all before the alarm on my cell phone was beeping and I was making the trip back down to the hospital. Melinda was eating breakfast and Dad was sitting on the bed with the baby in his arms.

  "Morning little sis," I cooed. "Have you got a name yet?" My voice turned high and babyish the moment I talked to her.

  "Still not sure," Melinda said. The smile hadn't vanished from her face. "I was just so prepared for her to be a boy. Everything she owns, everything around her is blue!"

  Ruben flew to my mind. "It's a beautiful word," I said and was surprised at the emotion that stuck in my throat.

  "What is?" Dad asked.

  "Blue," I replied.

  "Blue," Dad repeated, without lifting his eyes from the baby's face. "It is a pretty word, isn't it, my sweet?" He cooed and pressed the baby's little fingers to his lips. "How about it, babe?" He looked over at Melinda who screwed her face up delightfully.

  "I thought you didn't like strange names?" she teased.

  "Blue," he said again. "I like it. Little baby Blue."

  "Blue," Melinda echoed. "It's very celebrity-like." She smiled and clapped her hands together gleefully. "Blue it is."

  "You want another hold?" Dad asked.

  "Hey little sis," I whispered to the baby as Dad handed her over. "How are you? Had a pretty traumatic day yesterday, didn't you? But you're all good now." Blue screwed up her face which grew redder and redder, defying her name, until a little cry escaped. "There, there," I hushed her, pulling her to my shoulder and patting her back. It seemed to calm her and she flopped against me. "Welcome to the family, little baby Blue," I whispered. "We're a pretty messed-up one, but things are going to be better with you here. I can just feel it."

  Blue screwed up her adorable face and fell to sleep, resting against my shoulder. When three o'clock rolled around, it was time for me to say my goodbyes. Melinda hugged me tightly and thanked me over and over, though I wasn't sure exactly what for. Blue bunched up her little face when I pecked her cheek and her finger clasped around mine.

  "Thanks for all you've done this weekend, Lennon," Dad said as he wrapped me in his arms. Again, tears stained his eyes. I had never seen him cry so much. It was as though having Blue had turned him into a baby himself. "You'll come down again soon, won't you? Blue will grow so fast and I really want her to know her big sister."

  Chapter Thirty

  Lennon

  I pulled up at home, unsure of the greeting I would receive. Mum never replied to my text and I was afraid of what state of mind I might find her in from the news of Dad's new baby. Flynn's car was in the driveway and laughter greeted me before I even opened the door. Mum was at the kitchen table, sitting on Flynn's lap. She jumped up, eyes gleaming, and hugged me tightly. "You're home!" she squealed excitedly.

  I stood motionless, bags still hanging from my hands, and slightly confused, as she pulled me close. Over her shoulder, I noticed Cara sitting in the lounge, glumly watching the TV, Grams with an equally glum expression, sitting beside her. Cara looked at me briefly, scowled, then turned back to the TV. There were boxes all over the table, the kitchen was half empty, and Flynn had the same grin on his face that Mum did.

  "What's going on?" I asked, once Mum finally released her grip. Cara looked up and rolled her eyes. Grams shook her head dismally. Mum and Flynn stood hand in hand, grinning stupidly, and my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I knew what they were going to say. Involuntarily my head started to shake and I took a step backwards, dumping my bag on the floor.

  Mum started to speak, but I interrupted her. "Did you get my text?"

  She blinked a few times, the smile gone from her face, before plastering it on again. "Yes, wonderful news. But I have some news of my own." She squeezed Flynn's hand again. "We have some wonderful news," she said, looking only at Flynn.

  "They called her Blue," I said, talking overtop of her.

  Mum frowned momentarily and Grams snorted. "What sort of a name is Blue?"

  "A colourful one," Flynn joked, and Cara groaned.

  I walked over to the table, shoving a cardboard box out of the way and slumped down on the seat. "She was pretty cute," I said, watching Mum closely, but her expression didn't change. It remained as a frozen smile.

  "I've got some news," she announced loudly, and I knew I couldn't avoid it any longer. I thought it was obvious, Dad's news was too much for Mum to handle and she'd promised Flynn we'd move in with them. But to my dismay, it was far worse than that. "We got married!" Mum shouted gleefully and held up her and Flynn's joined hands where a thin gold band was looped around Mum's finger, replacing the ring Dad had given her years ago.

  "No," I said, my eyes stuck on the gold band.

  Grams laughed and slapped her thigh. "You got married? You never cease to amaze me, daughter dear." She laughed again until she started coughing.

  Cara got to her feet, fists clenched at her sides. "No," she said quietly but firmly. Flynn walked over to her and placed his arm around her shoulders, but she pulled away, eyes straining in disbelief or anger. "No," she repeated and shook her head. "It hasn't even been a year," she said through gritted teeth.

  "Cara," he said, reaching out to her again, but Cara stormed outside, slamming the door behind her.

  "No?" Mum repeated, looking at where I sat at the table, too shocked to walk out like Cara did, though I felt the same. She lifted her chin. "I thought you'd be happy. You were happy about your father's news." Her chin wobbled.

  "But you hardly know him," I said quietly.

  "I know enough to know that I love him." She leaned back and planted a gentle kiss on Flynn's cheek, who returned to her side the moment Cara walked out, placing his hand protectively on her shoulder.

  "Can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked, nodding my head over to the hallway. Mum had clearly lost her mind. I didn't think it was even possible to get married on a whim. Wasn't there legalities that stopped this sort of foolishness?

  "Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Flynn. We are a family now."

  "Well, shouldn't one of the 'family' go after Cara?" I asked pointedly and lifted my brows at Flynn. He shuffled away from Mum and moved over to the door, blowing her a kiss before leaving, which she caught and placed over her heart. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

  "Lennon," Mum said, mustering as much admonishment she could in her tone. "I expected better from you."

  "From me?" I exploded, getting to my feet and standing over Mum. "I'm not the one who got married on a whim! I'm not the one who suddenly committed us to a family I never wanted to be part of!"

  "Well, that was my choice, not yours," Mum replied, letting the tears gather in her eyes.

  "A choice you made simply because you couldn't handle Dad moving on."

  "Lennon," Grams warned from her place on the couch. She pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

  "You can't smoke in here," Mum said to her, gaining control over her quivering chin and jutting it out defiantly.

  "I feel this qualifies as an adequate exception." Grams drew in a deep breath and let the smoke out in a thin stream from pursed lips. "There is no popcorn, after all."

  "Mum, you can't," I said, letting some of the anger deflate.

  "But I did. And it wasn't on a whim. We'd been discussing it for a while now. The divorce from your father was made official months ago. There is no reason I can't. And I don't want to hear another bad word about it. I love Flynn. He makes me happy and he loves me. There is nothing you can do. Renters are all set to move in in a couple of days, and we are moving into Flynn's house now." I started to protest but Mum held up her hand. "I don't want to hear another word. I understand no
w why Flynn wanted to get married without telling anyone."

  I groaned exasperatedly and turned to Grams, willing her to talk some sense into my mother. "Grams?" I said, jerking my head over at Mum, who was placing the contents of the fridge into a box.

  Grams shrugged. "What?"

  "Say something?" I pleaded.

  "Like what? Your mother is a grown woman, Lennon. If she wants to get married, she can. It's hardly any of my business."

  "None of your business? She's your daughter," I hissed.

  Mum looked over at Grams and placed her hands on her hips, waiting for her reply. Grams blew another slow stream of smoke into the room. "Mother is a title I gave up long ago. If Shelley wants to marry the man, who are we to stop her?"

  Flynn opened the door. "She just needs a little space to think," he said, referring to Cara. "Everything okay in here?" He looked over at Mum, then at me, and finally at Grams, who just shrugged and said, "Fine and dandy."

  "Well?" Mum asked, glaring at me. "Aren't you going to at least congratulate us?"

  I stalked towards the door, throwing it open and muttering, 'congratulations,' over my shoulder. Just before the door slammed shut, Mum burst into tears and Flynn engulfed her in an embrace.

  "Hey, sis," Cara said sarcastically when I found her sitting in the gutter at the end of the drive.

  "Did you know?" I asked.

  "I would have tried to stop them if I had."

  I sighed and sat down beside her, hugging my legs and resting my chin on my knees. At my father's house, I almost felt peace. It was as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again, despite the hectic and unexpected event. But as soon as I crossed the boundary back into Puruwai, the weight of my life pressed down again. And Mum had just made it worse.

  "You know I think you're crazy, right?" Cara said suddenly.

  I sighed again. "Yeah, I know."

  "I thought we should clear that up before we end up sharing a house, just so you're under no illusion that this little tryst between our parents will somehow endear you to me."